Spice things up in the bedroom...

This morning I was listening to the radio on my way into work and the DJ's (The Kane Show - if you are interested) were talking about how crazy you should get in bed, especially on night (or day) #1.  The argument was whether you should lay all your cards on the table and use all your tricks on the first night, or if you should hold back some for later.

Personally, I can see both ways.  You want the guy/girl to call you back so you want to be good time #1.  But at the same time, should you leave it all on the table and have nothing (except more sex, and that's NOT a bad thing) for later?  I dont' have a definite answer.

BUT, all this lead me to a whole other world of sex positions.  They were citing stuff to try or hold back, and I had no idea what they were talking about.  Have you ever heard of the "Butter Churner" or the "Stairway to Heaven"?  If so, you are much better off than me.

So, trying to figure out what the hell they were talking about, I sat off on a bit of Internet Research.  And came across THE site for sex positions...  Men's Health has a section called The Big Book of Sex - Sex Positions.     Not only do they have illustrated how to's, you can group what you are looking for by the following:

1.  Head to Toe
2.  Kneeling
3.  Man on Top
4. Oral
5.  Seated
6.  Side by Side
7. Standing, front entry
8. Standing, rear entry
9. Woman on top
10. 1 Star
11. 2 Star
12. 3 Star
13. 4 Star
15. 5 Star

So, pick and choose, decide what you want to try, and dang it try it (or all of them.)  And you can thank me later.

I will also note that there is a "test your skills" portion of the website, and for full disclosure, I got 7 positions correct and 5 wrong, which makes me:

You are a sex position SOMEWHAT OF A SEX MACHINE

Not bad at all! You scored right in the middle part of the curve (puns not fully intended). And even if the more exotic positions had you stumped, that’s nothing to be ashamed about. Once you get the Men’s Health glossary committed to memory, you’ll be ready to graduate to the next libidinous level.

 

Enjoy and you can thank me later. 

 

And oh, by the way, the Butter Churner...  Have your partner lie on her back with her legs raised over her head. This is not a plain Jane position! Squat over her and dip your penis in and out of her. Be extra careful to thrust lightly to avoid stressing her neck

All about those little Spermies!

So today - thanks to a friend on facebook - I read an article about the largest sperm bank in the world.  Apparently the sperm bank has turned away the sperm of our ginger headed friends.  According to Ole Schou, Director of Cryos International, "I do not think you chose a redhead, unless the partner - for example, the sterile male - has red hair, or because the lone woman has a preference for redheads."  So yes, they don't want your sperm redheads!  Sorry about your luck.  As of right now the sperm bank is on overload - with 600 men WAITING to donate.  As of current time, the sperm bank has 70 Liters of sperm on hand - with each man ejaculating only 2 - 6 milliliters each time.  that means they have between 11,000 and 35,000 "samples" depending on how much junk men have. 

So, of course... on the page is linked to an article called Sperm: Crazy Things you Should Know.  And you know I'm going to jump all over that one.  So listen and learn...

Crazy Thing #1: Abnormal Sperm, That's Normal. 
90% of the sperm in a single ejaculation is deformed.  For instance, it can have two heads, two tails, huge heads, pinheads, coiled tail... Oh yeah guys it's deformed.  Sorry about your luck.

Crazy Thing #2: Half  Teaspoon.

Yup, men who think  you are shooting out a BIG load.  Nope, sorry... a typical man only ejaculates a half a teaspoon.  (Although, I have to question that myself, because damn...)

Crazy Thing #3: Sperm Wear Hard Hats
Each sperm has an oval-shaped structure called the acrosome - it contains control chemicals that are released if and when the sperm attaches to an egg.  The chemicals are what allow the sperm to melt the egg's outer surface and penetrate the egg. 

Crazy Thing #4: Sperm vs Semen
Did you know that sperm does not equal semen.  Sperm cells are only a part of semen.  Semen also contains substances from the prostate and a pair of rabbit ear-shaped organs inside the pelvis called the seminal vesicles. Sperm get the fuel they need in the form of sugar fructose supplied by the seminal vehicles, and Fluid from the prostate allow for semen to liquefy once inside the female.  And yes, that's a whole lot of technical terms, I apologize.  I'm just here to educate.

Crazy Thing #5: One Testicle is Enough
Just ask Lance Armstong - he's fathered 5 children since losing his nut.  Granted, 3 were from sperm banked prior to the surgery, but 2 were done the natural way.  Granted there are two baby mommas, but that's not part of this ...

Crazy Thing #6: 200 Million Competitors. 
As we all learned in sex ed, it only one takes one sperm to fertilize an egg.  But did you know that with each ejaculate there are 200 Million Spermies released?  It's a bit amazing that we don't all have multiple children!

Crazy Thing #7: The Factory Never Closes.
You've heard those (horror) stories of women getting pregnant at 50, 60.  And it's because men produce sperm all the time, every day, all day for their entire lives.  Unlike women who are born with a set number of eggs that once they are gone, they are gone.

Crazy Thing #8: Sperm are Tiny
Each sperm measures only about 0.002 inch from head to tail. or about 50 micrometers.   You better get our your microscope if you want to see one.  BUT, if you lined up each sperm, end to end, from one ejaculate it would measure about 6 miles - ewww.

Crazy Thing #9: Sperm need protection!
The immune system doesn't like the way sperms only have 1/2 of the DNA of other cells.  So to keep the immune system from killing off all the sperm - the testicles employ speczied cells to surround them with a soft of "picket fence"  ahh, how all American.

Crazy Thing #10: Dead Sperm can make live babies.
Well, shit.  Non-swimming sperm can still fertilize and egg with in-vitro fertilization.  The only thing that matters is the sperm inside the egg...

Things to quit by the time you are 30...

So I found a list of things to quit by the time you turn 30.  It's a year later, so how do I measure up?

1.  Buying clothes from the junior section. Done and done.  Have you seen the Juniors section these days?   It's like they are advertising for the prostitute.

2. Forgetting her parents’ birthdays. May and December (I even know the dates)  As far as sending a gift, humm...  But I rememer to call!

3.  Making out with her BFFs at bars for attention. Ugh, I HATE girls making out with girls at the bar for attention - and I've never done so.

4.  Making out with her boyfriend at bars for attention. Not a huge fan of PDA, and who really wants to make out in a nasty bar?

5.  Filling her bed with stuffed animals (really, even one is too many). Do dogs count?  Like real dogs?

6.  Carrying a torch for anyone she hasn’t seen in the last five years. Never regret, always learn from your mistakes.  And they are in the past for a reason.  But I have to admit, sometimes I wonder, what if...

7.  Rebelling against her parents for the sake of rebelling against her parents. I'm one of those strange kids that never really rebelled.

8.  Declaring an entire gender “all jerks.” Can I declare them all assholes or bitches? 

9.  Holding a grudge against anyone who wronged her in high school. I don't think the author went to my high school.... if so she'd understand

10.  Skipping regular gyno exams. I dont care what age, you should never skip it!

11.  Going to bed without washing and moisturizing her face. OK, I'm bad at this.  I get TIRED.  I guess I'm lucky I look like I'm still a teenager, acne and all. 

12.  Being “that person” who had a bit too much to drink at the office party. Trying.  Sometimes that's the only time I drink.

13.  Crushing on Justin Bieber. Seriously, really?  If I was a teen mom I probably coud have been HIS mom.  YUCK.

14.  Thinking she’s got it all figured out. Hell, the more I learn the more I realize I know absolutely NOTHING.

15. Calling her father “daddy.”  He's Dad.  I think he always has been

16.  Engaging in sibling rivalry. Humm, we all still have our moments. 

17.  Trying to get by on her looks. Ha.  Not gonna happen.  I'm no ugly girl, but I definately am not going to win any beauty contests.

18.  Living paycheck to paycheck. Oh shit.  Now why do you think I need someone to pay me to write this blog.  Any takers?

19.  Expecting a man/knight in shining armor to swoop in and save her. Oh wait, this isn't going to happen.  Well, fuck, shit damn!

20.  Aimlessly jumping from job to job. I'm one of the few people who has already stayed at a job nearly my entire working career.

21.  Using MySpace to pick up guys. What's myspace :)

22.  Expecting a man to do all the wooing. Hey, obviously this person has never met Patty Stanger.  She says all men should be doing the wooing.

24.  Wishing she had someone else’s life. My life is pretty damn good.

25.  Expecting everyone to drop everything because it’s her birthday ... What?  They aren't supposed to?

26.  ... or because her “boyfriend” of two weeks dumped her. Hey, we all need support!

27.  Measuring her self-worth by a number on the scale. I assume we are talking weight.  No. no. 

28.  Being cheap. Wait, how are you supposed to not be cheap and still not live paycheck to paycheck.  Wait a damn second, you can't have it both ways.

29.  Quitting a job without having a new one lined up first (especially in this economy!). PAYCHECK.

30.  Blaming her mother for all her issues. I blame genetics and both my materal and paternal genetics.  Damn health issues.

So?  What do you think?

Craig's List Strikes Again.

So, as I do nearly every day, I checked the "missed connections" section of Craig's List.  It's always good to look through the ads to see if one is about you, or someone you know.  And once in awhile I find a great ad that is just too good to be true. 

Yes, I found one of those ads today:

Cute Mugger - m4m - 22 (Georgetown)

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Date: 2011-09-11, 12:39PM EDT
Reply to:
Reply To This Post
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I was walking along the canal, and all of a sudden you rushed me and tried to mug me. I don't think you knew that I'd been taking karate for the past fifteen years or so, so I liberally defended myself. Eventually I let you run away, and I realized that you had a really sweet ass. I also realized(a little too late, considering that I'd pounded at your face for a good two minutes or so) that you used to have really nice teeth, and were kinda cute.


I won't press charges for the mugging, but I'd love to get together some time and maybe get a coffee. IDK how likely you are to read this, but I'm kinda just throwing this out there. Hope to hear from you soon. If you see this, tell me what you used to try to mug me with.

Location: Georgetown


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2593136777

So... hey, dude.  You tried to mug me, but damn you were hot.  Lets do this again, and this time we can just play mugger.   Wouldn't that be so hot?  And oh yeah, don't worry if you need money, I'll pay you for your trouble. 

SERIOUSLY?  Maybe I need to look into this way to meet guys.  I'm going to try mugging them and hope they write a messed connection about me! 

Hey bitch... hands off!

We all are aware that body langugate means a lot.  But how about a woman projecting to others to keep their hands off their man?  Oh yeah, it exists and I'm sure you see it all the time - especially in celebrity phtographs. 

Body Language expert Judi James says the pose where a woman rests her hand on her man's torso is a very protective stance.  "This is a possessive barrier gesture.  Although it is a sign of affection principally it is a signal to other females, who may be potetial rivals.  Basically, what the woman is communicating to the others is, "I've got him, hands off"

So examples?  Oh yes, look at these!

5 Things you should NEVER do in the bedroom.

I found this list of 5 Things you should never do in the bedroom today, and I cannot help but share - because they are so true!  At least with me...

1.  Surprise butt sex.
So yes, the vag and the anus are close together, and in the passion of the moment there can be slight - shall we call them "slips" - BUT, there is a huge difference between slips and as the article on CollegeCandy.com calls "a clearly premeditated anal sex attack which includes a whole lot of feigned ignorance."  I've personally been -shall we called it - attacked in this way.  And seriously dude, you can't tell the difference?  One has lubrication and is soft and giving - the other, no lubrication and no give.  Don't lie, you were going there - and we don't like it (or most girls don't... - I don't know many girls that like it.)  If you want anal sex, talk about it and for god sake - don't do the surprise attack, it's just not going to end well for you.

2.  Body Shaming
Being completely butt-ass naked in bed with someone is revealing all your imperfections (and perfections - damn it!)  Being naked is venerable.  So, be nice!  Don't point out something you see as a flaw (this goes for girls AND guys!)  Don't pinch an extra roll around the middle or arm or ass or whatever, because we already know it's there and we don't want to be reminded - nothing is more of a mood killer.  And for the girls, be careful about a guy's junk.  Don't make a face when you see it and definitely don't make negative comments - a guy is very sensitive about that area - in more ways than one.

3.  Pressuring.
When you are in bed, naked, and all that the last thing you want to do is be pressured into something you don't want to do.  See #1, anal sex.  These kinds of conversations should take place in a non-sexual setting.  You know, ideas you want to try, toys, etc so that your partner can have the right of refusal!

4.  Comparisons.
For gosh sake - NEVER do comparisons out loud!  yes, we all know that we do hundreds, even thousands of split second comparisons of our partners in bed.  I like how so and so touched me, or he was a much better kisser, or she had much better boobs, but you say that out loud and you are screwed.  Talk about a feeling of inadequacy....

5.  Unwanted aggression.
As "college candy.com says" the practice of pushing a woman's head down during a bj - it's not cool.  Guys get a clue, no one wants to choke on your cock.  From experience I can say once I've gagged I'm done.  I just feel like shit.  While I have developed techniques to stop you from pushing my head down - I don't want to!  I don't want to gag, I don't want to feel the bile rise in my throat (because hey dipshit - it does!).  it also goes in any other sex acts, if the person seems reluctant, don't force her (see #3 Pressuring!). 

Thongs, boyshorts, briefs.... what a girls underwaer says about her...

First, let me say that I don't like the word "panties."  I'm not sure why, but I really despise it.  So from here on out, at least for me, what a girl wears on her girly parts are called UNDERWEAR.

So, what does a girl's underwear say about her?  I've done a blog on boxers, briefs and boxer briefs ... it's time for the girls.  I found this article on thefrisky.com.  Do I agree?  Do you agree?

WHITE

Attitude: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time. Tricked you, sucker!

Pro: Men love white undies, even the cheap brands that come in a bag. If you ask dudes bout their pantie preference, 9 out of 10 will say white. In related news, if you Google “white panties,” all the results are porn sites. No other type of lingerie holds this distinction. Consider yourself warned.

Con: How do I say this delicately? It’s the most, um, stainable choice you can press up against three orifices.

Ahh, yes the good old Hanes white underwear.  I have to admit, I have quite a few pair.  A nice pair of cotton drawers is great.  But cons are seriously true!  Girls appear to be 100% clean, but on white EVERYTHING shows, no matter how clean you are.  And so, I googled "white panties"  and damn.  be warned!!!  Or be excited, take your picture.  But I did it just for you, and to get this picture - because I know how ya'll love examples.

BUTT CLEAVE


Attitude: Happy Birthday to you!

Pro: Show off your booty cleavage.

Con: Anal.

I have to admit, this is a new one for me.  And I would have to also say, it's not a preferential pair of underwear.  Seriously?  You want butt cleavage?  Now, there are good kinds of cleavage associated with your boobs, even toe cleavage can be cute... but BUTT CLEAVAGE?  All that reminds me of is a plumber's crack and the  last time I checked that wasn't sexy....ever!

FANCY


Attitude: These should make you pounce me like a tiger, but they cost a day’s pay, so please don’t tear them off me, literally.

Pro: Makes you feel like a million bucks.

Con: Will you get enough bang for your buck?

Yeah, we are not talking about Victoria's Secret here - we are talking about bras and underwear that cost in the HUNDREDS of dollars - think La Perla (gifts of La Perla readily accepted = thanks!)  This is stuff you'd only buy for yourself if you had a huge influx of money, And I would be so worried about ripping it that where would be the fun in ripping off your clothes? 

GRANNY PANTIES


Attitude: An interesting dichotomy:

If you’re in a relationship: It’s not like I’m going to get any.

If you’re single: I’ve hit rock bottom/laundry day and am about to have a one-night stand.

Pro: They’re comfy.

Con: They’re about as sexy as seeing grandma in her knickers. No offense, Grams!

And after all that, you know what I think?  Granny Panties are awesome! They are comfortable as hell, they don't ride up (or down) and who cares if they aren't attractive!  The boys are going to take them off anyway.  So screw it, I love my big girl underwear, and I don't care!

VINYL


Attitude: Tonight baby, I’m gonna get freaky with you.

Pro: You look like a super bad mofo.

Con: Plastic fabric can easily lead to that not-so-fresh feeling.

Seriously, vinyl?  Guess not everyone is concerned about comfort as I am.  So if you are going the vinyl direction - please don't wear it very long (which I guess is the point).  And guys, get a new fetish - no one wants to sweat out a day's worth in a couple of minutes because their lady parts (top AND bottom) can't breathe!

HIGH-CUT OR STRING BIKINI


Attitude: I work out and I also lived through the ‘80s.

Pro: Shows off your perfectly toned hips and thighs.

Con: Who has perfectly toned hips and thighs besides Jane Fonda?

Really? A string bikini is reminiscent of the 80's?  And I thought underwear was timeless!

CROTCHLESS


Attitude: I’m shy about flashing my body, but I’m perfectly fine with flashing my tunnel of love.

Pro: Cheap, cause there’s no material.

Con: Pointless.

Let me tell you, it's not easy to find a picture of crotchless underwear that's not completely inappropriate!  So here you go.  And if you chose this type, seriously, I hope your man (or woman) enjoys it, because you certainly aren't!

BLACK


Attitude: I’m elegant and sophisticated. Or, I’m on the rag.

Pro: Sleek, dark, stain-proof and slimming.

Con: Tends to show through clothes.

Well, shit... the frisky let out the secret.  Black underwear doesn't stain (if you know what I mean)  It also is just easy, black feels like it goes with everything.  But if you take down a girls pants and see that black underwear you might want to double check what's going on down there.... 

BOYSHORTS


Attitude: Let’s get comfortable on the couch.

Pro: Soft, cotton, and flattering on the thigh.

Con: Can sometimes be too masculine. If you and your man got the same brief on, party over.

Boyshorts are oh so comfortable.  and I have to say, I've sure met a lot of guys lately that love this style.  Maybe a nice pair of boyshorts, and your pants button down shirt - to me that sounds sexy, but then again maybe I'm just weird.

LACE


Attitude: I’m so into you, I don’t mind a little chafing.

Pro: Peek-a-boo!

Con: The aforementioned possibility of chafing.

Umm, if you have that much chafing with lace underwear - you are getting the wrong lace!  Nice, comfortable lace doesn't chafe and it is oh so sexy. 

PINK

Attitude: I’m feeling like a Playboy Bunny: flirty and high-maintenance.

Pro: Pink!

Con: Pink!

I have to say I don't think much about the color of my underwear if it's not white or black  -  although sometimes I will admit to matching my underwear to my outfit.  Does pink really make that much of a difference?

SATIN


Attitude:Rub me for good luck, er, to get lucky.

Pro: Glamorous.

Con: Snags easily, and can make things, temperature-wise, pretty hot—as in satin burn.


Like vinyl, satin doesn't breathe... and I'm BIG into breath ability (apparently!)  personally, I don't find satin any more sexy than anything else - but then again I might be wrong

CLASSIC COTTON


Attitude: Straight-up chillin’.

Pro: Comfortable to wear. Even better, soft to rub.

Con: Nuthin’ special to see here.

Cotton, the fabric of our lives!  Maybe it's not so sexy, but it's great and comfortable for every day use...  And if just happen to get it on during an every day situation - it's not going to cause panic!

 

ANIMAL PRINT


Attitude: Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson or future Mrs. Robinson.

Pro: Unleashes your inner sex animal.

Con: Always makes you look older than you actually are. Luckily, some guys are into that!

I might have an unnatural obsession with animal print.  I have every type of animal print shoes - leopard, snake, giraffe, etc...  When it comes to underwear, I do have less - but I think animal print is sexy  -- now what I think is sexy and what guys think is sexy can be totally different things - but it's all about YOU feeling sexy, the guy is going to do you regardless of what he finds you are wearing for underwear. 

RUFFLES


Attitude: Put me over your knee and spank me!

Pro: Pinup girl flirty.

Con: They’re all kinds of bunchy and will make you look like you’re wearing a diaper, unless you’re in a puffy skirt with lots of crinoline

Ruffles are cute, but cute... not sexy.  And if you have a bigger bum, the last thing you want to do is add on extra bulk!

Lesbian update....

So, maybe my family member had the right idea....  Maybe I should "go lesbian"  ** But as a side, note, I'm not sure one can "go lesbian"  I'm a believer that you are born with your sexuality, be it gay, straight, lesbian or transgendered (which I find so interesting... I have been watching a show on Discovery Fit and Health called Sex Change Hospital - it's a good one) **

Back to my go-lesbian thingy.  So, my family member asked me if I was a lesbian.  I'm not.  But in the last couple of days two things have happened!

#1 A rather beautiful bi-sexual girl viewed my personals ad. 

#2 I think I got hit on by an obvious lesbian at Starbucks who brought me my coffee. 

Humm... so maybe I'll think about it. 

Ahh... so you are a lesbian?

So last week was my birthday, and I turned the dreaded 31.  I'm not sure about you, but for me this means I'm ** gasp ** over 31.  You know, at 30 I can justify that I'm still just "30," but at 31 I'm technically over 30.  Wow. 

So anyway, a family member who shall remain nameless, called me to wish me Happy Birthday.  How sweet!  But mid conversation I get THAT question. You know, the one where you get asked if there is someone special in my life.  Well, there isn't. And the lovely family member then asks me very seriously - "Are you a lesbian"  Yes, because being 31 and single automatically means you don't like guys - duh!  After trying to convince said family member that it is totally legit to be 31 and single - especially in a large metro area - he still doesn't believe me.  Yup, I'm obviously a lesbian.  I really wanted to tell him about how I'm definately NOT a lesbian - but I didn't think that was appropriate.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think lesbians are GREAT, I just don't really like girls in that way. 

Now, to give you a bit of background, I'm from Michigan - and from a very small town.  Hell, some of the people I know from highschool are on marriage #2.  It's a bit odd for someone to be not only single over 30, but without kids too!  Most of the girls I went to college with, got their MRS degree.  (granted, I must say that a lot of them are still working - wait, not that I have any disrespect for stay at home moms - hell, it's awesome they can afford it - in DC that would be difficult!)

Makes me think, at my age my mother had 2 kids (and dad was "fixed").  I was going into kindergarten and my brother had just turned 1.  They had the house, the kids, and the fence (granted, it was brown and around the pool - but that counts, right?). 

So I must question - am I "behind"?  Is is wrong to be over 30 and still single?  I don't believe so... but one still questions their choices in life. 

I must conclude that I'm (1) DEFINATELY not a lesbian - I like men just too much, (2) that I'd much rather be single than working on my second husband (and divorce!) and (3) ... well, I can't think of a #3 right now.  You might have to help me. 

Oh yeah, I know you want this...

So over the years I've been with a couple of men.  Just a couple, now...  And no matter what the guy, no matter what the size of his equipment - he's obsessed with it. 

I cannot count how many times I've heard, "You know you want this"  And sometimes, I do, but often I really don't.  And lets be honest guys - there is always someone bigger, harder, and wider out there.  So get over your obsession with your "big fat cock" and just learn how to use it.

Because boys, it's not about how big, fat or long it is (well, within reason - boys with pinky cocks might just want to explore other options...)  It's really how you USE it.  Some of the biggest cocks are some of the worst - just jamming that in there isn't going to provide a win.  Learn some techniques, and for gosh sake, give up the phase "I know you want this big hard cock in you."  It's overused! 

Now, don't you get me wrong.  I love a good penis - it does great things.  But it's not the end-all-be-all. 

Girls don't go around worshiping our pussy - that's your job guys.  And the same for your cock.  We shall worship you, you worship us.  But being obsessed with your own junk is something I will never understand!