Screen names...

Screen names are very important.  They tell a lot about a person - good and bad.  Maybe I'm the only one who really pays attention to them, but I really doubt it.  We use screen names EVERYWHERE, on our emails, every site we log into, and even dating sites.  As usual, I will concentrate on dating sites as this is what this blog is actually about.  If you didn't know that already - you obviously haven't been reading closely enough! 

As you already probably know, I belong to many dating sites.  As my feeling goes, if you can meet the love of your life in a bar completely shitfaced, you can meet someone online.  But online  you rarely "meet" people based on their real name.  Instead you are greeted with an alias, some made up name that the guy decided on. 

Now, these screen names can be something that mean something to the guy in question.  I once dated a guy that called himself Salzmanfan (not the actual screen name to protect the not so innocent!).  He also referenced he was a fan of a music arranger named Salzman in his profile.  When I questioned him about his screen name he got very sensitive and asked me if I had read his profile.  Woah!  Would you have connected the two?  I didn't.  Don't be so sensitive!  Just answer the question, and be happy someone was interested!!!

On the opposite end are the screen names that so many of us have seen, ones that have phrases such as "69" "Ramrod" "Hung"   You know the type, the ones that make you groan (with disgust).  These are the types of guys who you know instantly want one thing: sex.  They don't care about the "getting to know" you phase.  They are also the guys who ask up front if they can "get to know you" by sticking it in you.  (Yes, this has actually happened to me!)  FYI, I recommend staying away from anyone whose screen name includes these phrases, that is unless you are just looking for sex, then by all means - look for these guys.  What's even worse is the guys with profiles that are looking for long term relationships and still have screen names with these types of phrases.  The most common excuse I hear is that they made up the screen name when they were much younger (same goes for guys with emails with these phrases).  One word of advice, change it.. or get a new email address = they are free!

Another screen name that I find really annoying, and I say that only because it's really confusing for me is those that include a proper name that isn't yours!  For instance, your name is Jeff, but the screen name is Adam_Dunn.  I've seen this a lot, people like to take screen names that are from character names or something else, but they are names of something (I have no idea what) but they aren't their own name.  It pisses me off because I start thinking that's their name and I get totally confused.  Maybe it's just me.  But I really don't need to be calling someone by their screen name Adam when their real name is Jeff.  So if you want to use a proper name in your screen name, use your own name!

Do you have any other particularly bad screen names, or stories you'd like to share?

Craig's List - Personals!

I have to admit it, I have a strange and strong addiction to the Craig's List (CL) Personals section.  Nearly every day I look through the ads and just have to read them.  So don't be alarmed if more than once I post a blog with funny postings.  Tonight shall be my first. 

Tonight I'm looking at CL Personals because you just never know what you'll find there.  If you can find love in a bar, why not CL?

Anyway....  how about a gay man, looking for his first woman?!?

Fun Gay male looking to experiment - 29 (Fairfax)

Hello ladies-I am a gay male who I guess is bi-curious. I've never been with a woman before and would be willing to try.

Not into anything rough- would be interesting to see if I gain any satisfaction from it.

I am clean, safe, d& d free, very sensual guy with great hands at least.

Location: Fairfax

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Yes, a gay man looking for a woman.  Please, please.  I'm right on top of that one.  He's probably going to be scared of your pussy! and run away.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some gay men - but take your gayness and run with it! 

SUGA DADDY SEEKING - 40 (NOVA, DC)

SUGA DADDY SEEKING ....For a Suga DD to keep his woman satisfied he must spend at least $860 a month on her food, mortgage/rent, credit card bills, insurance, cell phone, cable, internet, car payments, "the business" .... Reply with your cell number along with your photo and let's get this thang started. THANKS

How about a "Suga" daddy.  Not a sugar daddy, a "suga" daddy.  Apparently I don't know my terms correctly - but I see these damn ads all the time.  Who really answers them?  Are there women out there who really look through Craig's List for a man to pay their bills in exchange for sex?  And really, this guy has put out a figure.  But $680?  That seems kind of low for me.  If I was going to have a suga daddy I would want much more, especially if that sucker were married or something, I'd need to save up money in case the wife found out!  And how is one going to cover all that stuff he listed - food, mortgage/rent, credit card bills, insurance, cell phone, cable, Internet, car payments, all for $860???  No way!  Not in this area.  This guy better up his payments!

These ads crack me up and will continue to crack me up!

Spelling in an online profile

I can't spell.  I admit it.  I grew up in the land of technology where one never really needed to learn how to spell.  That is with the exception of that silly spelling tests in grade school.  In my younger years I had an electronic spell checker dictionary, which I used very liberally.  Anytime I needed to spell a word, or look up a definition that sucker was well used! 

Technology caught up with me, and I started using the computer.  These is this AMAZING tool called spell check.  I use that sucker for everything.  Even if I have to copy and paste text into word and spell check it and copy and paste it back I will. 

All of this into, and it brings to me to what I'm here to talk about.  Spelling in an online profile, or spelling in an email.  Hell, spelling in any type of communication between a man and a woman!  Like I said before, I'm not a good speller.  I'm sure I've made many misspellings in this very post already (even using spell check!), but spelling and grammar is very important to some extent in online communications. 

It might be a double standard, but I cannot count how many times I've skipped over a profile or deleted someone's email if they had a high number of words misspelled!  When words are the only way you communicate with a person if there are words misspelled it just makes you look like you lack intelligence.  And grammar mistakes are even worse!  I'm not talking about proper grammar sentence - because obviously this blog isn't written in proper sentences - but big mistakes like "I aint gone none" or "She be gone." Yes, those grammar mistakes that are like scrapes on a chalkboard.  I just can't handle them.  I just can't! 

So, what do I say?  Spell check, and just make sure the grammar makes sense.  That's my PSA for the day.  And that goes for everyone!

To Pay or Not to Pay?

Dating is a freaking minefield.  There are so many "rules" known and unknown that is is hard to decide even what to do with the basics.  Personally, I freak out when the stupid check comes.  My heart starts to pound, my palms sweat, and panic sets in.  Everyone has different "rules" when it comes to paying for a date - ESPECIALLY in the first couple of dates.  Lets examine....

1. He Pays. 
Hate to say it, but this is the old standard.  You go on a date, have a good (or bad - god forbid) time and the man picks up the bill.  Gotta say, this is a hold over from when men made all the money and women couldn't afford to pay the bills - time they are a changing.  I've gone out with plenty of guys that I make more than, and sometimes I even feel badly about having them pick up the bill.  OK, back to the issue at hand!  He pays.  Many say this plays into a man's ego.  Men like to be in control, they like the feeling of taking take of women.  I see in the background man pounding on his chest - in caveman outfit - bonus points if he's hot and built and I can watch!  Most men love taking care of their woman, even if it's just paying the bill.  On a negative side, this can get mighty expensive for the guy.  Negative points if this turns into a long term thing for you and you depend on the combined income!  And it can feel like the women is not "paying her way".  Personally I feel guilt.  And dont' even get me started on the whole, if I pay for our date it means that you owe me something on your knees or back.  Yeah, right!

2. Going half and half, or "dutch".
First of all, I don't like the term, going dutch, but because I'm nice I will provide you with a little history lesson.  Going dutch actually originates from the Netherlands where it is not unusual to pay separately when going out as a group.  Nor is it unusual to order your hookers from a window, so I'm not sure we should be using their slang.  But on to the issue at hand (I've obviously been very distracted today!)  Sharing the cost of the bill is fine with me.  I actually prefer it, I don't feel like I'm making the man pay and I don't feel like I'm being a gold digging whore.  But, I have been told my many of my well meaning male friends that even offering to pay is an insult to men everywhere.  It means that you are not interested in the man with whom you've just shared a date.  Yes, I will repeat that, offering to share a check, means that you are not interested in the man.  Umm, really?  Apparently, I've been playing the game wrong, if I don't like the guy, I DON'T offer to pay.  Serves him right for giving me such a bad date.  If I want to see the guy again I will fork up some cash because I want to do it again!

3. Girl Pays. 
Apparently, this is the kiss of death.  I just like to be equal.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE me some old fashioned woman roles - I want the man to be in charge, all that BS - but hell, money is money.  None of us have all that much of it and there is no need for the man to pay all the time.  Oh hell no, apparently I'm wrong!  Men pay, or men freak out.  Learn, absorb.  Lesson done.

Dogs and Dating

I have two dogs, a medium sized one (a corgi) and a extra large one (mastiff).  Neither are kick-dogs nor are they push overs.  In fact they probably aren't the "typical girl" dogs.  The corgi, might look a little fluffy and more female friendly - but he can be a bad ass and will fight to the death.  But that's beside the point. 

My point is that there is a double standard when it comes to the genders, dating, and dogs. 

Yes, believe it or not. It is true.  Lets explore the issue further. 

1.  Women love dogs (especially puppies).  Women love men.  Hence, by the transitive principal - women love men with dogs (especially puppies).  Seeing a man with a furry little creature makes women oohh and awww.  It's an instant draw and an instant ice breaker.  Many women bend over (often showing cleavage!) and want to pet the dog.  Could it be a subconscious thing that we are attracted to a man who has accepted the responsibility to take care of something more than himself?  Who knows! (Personally, I have a strange attraction to a man with a child - any man who is good with kids just makes me hot - yes, it's embarrassing, but I can't help it!) 

2.  Men see dogs as baggage.  This might just be from personal experience (which I have a lot!) But I've found that men, who don't have dogs, see dogs as baggage.  If you have dogs  you know what I mean.  Going out after work is no longer possible. You got take them for walks after work.  You can't take impromptu trips, and you can't be away from your house for long periods of time.  Never mind the guilt you feel for leaving them home alone (maybe that's just me!) 

3.  Women LOVE the squeaky little kick dog.  While not for me, and you'll never ever, ever hear me condone this practice - women LOVE the little fluffy yappy kick dog.  These dogs are the ones that were bred to do nothing but look "good."  (Good is relative to me)  These are the dogs that when you see a man walking it you laugh to yourself and know that it's his girlfriend/wife/significant other's dog and know he's only doing it to get pussy.  No wonder most men aren't attracted to a girl with a dog - when most of the time the dog is like this!

My experience is two fold.  When it was just the corgi - I had much less of a response.  Men didn't seem to care very much.  He was kind of a non-issue.  If they liked dogs, he was a-ok.  (except you'd have to understand him - he's a big special)  If they didn't he was a bit annoying.  Now, as a small woman - get a big dog... The response changes.  Men flock to the dog... let me say that again, men flock to the dog.  I believe that's were the difference lies between men and women.  Women flock to the dog and stay and talk to the man-owner.  Men flock to the dog and only speak to the women-owner to get the basics on the dog.  The dog is the main focus.  The woman is the after thought.  Big dog is the star.  So, get a big dog - feel like second fiddle, get ignored - BUT at least you get a lot of eye candy close?  Does it work?  Yeah, works for me.  It's not helping me get dates - but I'm thinking of renting him out to my brother, I'm sure it will work for him.

The Best Escape for a Lonley Girl

I admit - I have a problem.  I have shelves full of cheesy romance novels.  Actually as of late, I had to switch over to the Kindle and my Kindle reader is FULL of these cheesy romance novels (FYI, for those who are interested, Amazon.com has a TON of free romance novels for the Kindle, which just about makes it's price worth it!)  Now I'm sure you are thinking, what the hell is a 20-something girl reading those stupid romance novels with some bosomy woman on the cover gasping in the arms of Fabio.  I'd tell you - I'm not!  Those ones are horrible.  I hate period romance novels - the ones you used to see in the line at the grocery store - those are just bad. 

But, there a ton out there that are set in the current day, with actual believable story lines.  Well, when I say believable - I mean as believable as any romantic comedy.  If you can believe any Sandra Bullock or J-Lo movie where she falls and the man catches her and they fall in love - you'll believe this.  And don't tell me you don't love those romantic comedies! 

The average romance novel is about 200 pages, and I read pretty quickly.  So I can get through one in a couple of hours if I'm not interrupted (highly unlikely).  Usually I can read one in a couple of sittings.  Burying yourself in a book is a great escape for any single girl.  You aren't just sitting in front of the television stuffing yourself with the closest food item and you can actually fool yourself into thinking you are the main character in the book.  So for a couple of hours you can get a great escape for reality.  So, like a really great buzz you are high for a couple of hours - unfortunately the crash is a bitch when you realize it was all a book!

Dating while Short.

It's true.  I'm short.  In fact, I'm very short.  I like to say that, I'm 5'1" - on a good day, with shoes on.  But in reality I probably just barely break the 5 foot barrier - but you'll never hear me say that out loud.  I can't bear to say it out loud - that would make it real. 

Now there are some true advantages and disadvantages to being short in the dating world.  Some - believe it or not are both advantages AND disadvantages! 

POSITIVES:

1.  I can ALWAYS wear heels.  No matter what the situation, the man, nor the location - I can always wear high heels!  Any height from a little tiny kitten heel to a sky high hooker platform boot if I wanted.  All is fair game when you are so short that you need a step latter to get to most guys lips!  It's great too because I love me some good shoes, and even more - I love me some heels!  Flats are great and all, but they just don't carry the sex appeal that a nice heel does.  So for dates, give me a nice hot stiletto and we are good to go.  Unfortunately, I have gone on a date (actually TWO!!!) where unannounced to me the guy was shorter than I was - in flats - needless to say this was quite a shock (and a story for another time). 

2.  Men will never feel intimidated by my vertical size.  No man will ever feel intimidated by my vertical size.  There is no man on Earth who will ever be scared by a 5'1" blond girl. Ever. 

3.  Nearly always I will feel "little" to the man I'm with.  I like feeling smaller and protected when I'm with a man.  As I'm smaller in stature - I often feel this way.  If I ever feel bigger than a man, it's just not gonna work.  Even if a guy is over 6' but skinny as a rain - he's not gonna be able to protect me.  If I have to fight for my own honor in a bar fight (god knows, that I'm the type of girl that will be getting into one!), that man will not last.  I'll be picking up the former football player in the corner and taking him home - bye bye skinny. 

NEGATIVES:

1.  I grow horizontally.  Short people can't eat.  Yes, we aren't allowed to eat.  All food that we do consume doesn't help, and surely didn't help us grow vertically - instead it just settles on our midsection.  We have succumb to gravity and instead of the ideal rectangle shape, most of us have grown into a more circle or true square.  It's great for teaching shapes to youngsters - but not great for dating prospects.  Try hiding 5 lbs on a 6' person and a 5' person - there is a lot more surface area on that 6' person!  Yup, thank you very much!

2.  Boobs.  Like I said above, I'm a bit round.  I also was blessed with very very large breasts.  I have no idea how I was so blessed as my mom was skipped in this round of blessing.  To her "nearly A's" I'm a solid D/DD.  Try hiding these giant head like appendages in anything!  It's nearly impossible.  Bras aren't made pretty for big girls!  They are large sling slot like molds.  I used to pretend I was smaller, but then I would get the dreaded, "double boob"  or spillage over the top of the bra.  Yes, it used to be great to wear cute little bras, but the double boob is just ugly!  Anyway, when you are short, and have big boobs - any shirt/dress/top you wear tends to be a bit lower cut.  Lower cut = cleavage.  When you have cleavage and you are short, you are always BELOW eye level for men.  Hence they have a great view.  Yup, the downward view of your cleavage.  Try going on a date - talking to a man when they can look down the freaking Grand Canyon between your chest - it's hard to keep their attention!

3.  Kisses.  Yes, kisses.  I'm short.  It's hard to meet up with a man's lips.  Enough said.  Gotta sit down (which can lead to laying down) or lay down (which can lead to worse!)... Or you can stand up and stretch those toes - and I was never in ballet! 

All in all, I'll take short over all any day!!

The Bad Date Corner . . .

Most people have had a bad date or two.  The locations of those dates have some major bad juju!  I feel for these people, I really do! 

I don't just have a restaurant with bad juju - I have a "bad date corner."  Arlington, VA has a great little neighborhood called Clarendon - it has awesome restaurants that are super fun and it a great little walkable area - perfect for a date!  Rewind a couple of years ago, when I was much younger (and maybe a little bit more naive), and I had a series of three dates in Clarendon - all three went HORRIBLY wrong.

DATE 1: BOULEVARD WOODGRILL

During my first couple years in DC, I made many trips back to Michigan.  On one of these many flights, I saw a very cute guy in Detroit waiting for our connection.  So cute in fact that the next day I even posted a missed connection on Craig's List.  Low and Behold - Sean - saw the post and emailed me back!  I was shocked - who knew that CL Missed Connections really worked.  We talked over email for a couple of days and presto a date was scheduled. 

Fast forward a couple of days, and we met at Boulevard Woodgrill.  The date was great, conversation seesawed back and forth, there even was touching of the arms.  The end of the meal, bill was paid for.  Time to leave.  Both of us head to the bathroom.

I exited the bathroom and he wasn't there.  No big deal.  I waited, and waited, and waited.  I walked to the front door, looked outside - nothing.  I tried calling and texting his phone - and no answer. 

I waited 30 minutes, and nothing.  He had disappeared.  Yup, he went into the bathroom and never came out. 

STRIKE 1.

DATE 2: WHITLOWS ON WILSON

Date 2, Whitlow's on Wilson (WoW)... not as exciting a story. WoW is actually directly diagonally across the street from Boulevard Woodgrill.  I met a guy online, we connected and it was cool.  He was fresh out of a relationship - but according to him he was ready to date again. 

After a awkward date, we said good-bye.  I didn't feel too badly about the date, there wasn't a big spark, but it was a typical first date.  I could see him again. 

But... the next day, I get the "Dear John" email.  In black print I read the words that I still laugh about today, "Going out with you made me feel like I don't want to date again."  Umm, really?!?  Was I that bad?  Apparently!

STRIKE 2!

DATE 3: CHEESECAKE FACTORY

Last, but certainly not least, is date 3 at the Cheesecake Factory, while technically not on the exact same corner as the last two, the Cheesecake Factory is only about a block away - so it counts (at least for me - I'm not great with directions!)

I have a bad habit of posting Craig's List ads when I'm bored, usually they go like this, "I'm bored, please email me and distract me from sitting alone and watching tv."  You wouldn't believe the emails that poor in from men from all over the metro DC area.  It's cheap entertainment for an entire evening!  Now, usually I put conditions on my posts - for instance what age I'm looking for and typically that I'm also looking for someone to date.  Not everyone follows these "rules" and date #3 has taught me to be very cautious!

I had received an email from an unknown suitor (that makes it sound good).  We had corresponded briefly.  Thinking he fit my criteria I had originally put in my email - general age, etc restrictions. I was feeling pretty confident about speaking to him via email.  So when he asked me out for dinner I hesitated, but gave in when he pushed - BIG MISTAKE.

Arriving early, I sat there with my cell phone in an empty place.  In walks a rather old, bald, fat man - coming RIGHT at me.  Wait, WTF - THIS is my date.  Yes, stupid me - I had never gotten a full history on him, never asked his age (43), his background (RETIRED from the fire department and divorced with 2 kids in college and 2 in high school), or why he responded to my ad (he was bored in class - training to become a fire trainer - or some BS like that). 

I really wish I had made a backup plan, but I was screwed.  I never ate dinner so fast.  But he wanted desert and ate it S-L-O-W, and actually asked me to visit his hotel afterwards. Needless to say, I didn't.

Strike 3!!!


I like Clarendon, It's sad that I've been ruined.  But I also think my bad date karma has been filled for a lifetime, and while all these stories did happen years ago, the big karma guy in the sky has let me live really bad date free for the last couple of years - lets keep it that way.  I'm good with the general uncomfortable date, but bad dates - the only thing you get out of them is good stories!

The best profile pictures?

As many of us are these days - I'm on a couple of online dating sites.  God knows, I'm not going to pay for that crap!  It's like being a dating prostitute - and for me I just can't justify it.  Hell, why pay for meeting someone online when you get get it for free, and then spending the money on dinner?

As to that point, one of these free sites I belong to is OKCupid.com.  It's decent - not too many crazies.  I've actually gone on a couple of dates and haven't felt like I was going to get attacked or want to run away scared - to me that is a good date.  I actually don't ask for too much with my dating, and in particular my online dating.

But as of late, my profile has been a bit quiet.   I get a lot of views - but no one messages me or anything!  Oh well.

Just last week, OKCupid announced a new feature - http://www.okcupid.com/mybestface.  My Best Face actually allows you to upload a number of pictures and other users (of the My Best Face system) to decide which profile picture (or uploaded picture is the best).    It  wasn't exactly what I thought it would be.  Once you uploaded the pictures you had to look through a number of other pictures and decide which man you'd date. 

Very interesting - except the profile picture it chose for me was a picture I took back in 2005.  Umm, really?  That's a bit depressing!!! 

Types of Women

There are three types of women according to Loni Love, a female comedian:t: the head woman, the heart woman, and the penis woman when it comes to our thinking about sex.  It's a simplistic way to look at females - but it's perfectly true!

1. The Heart Woman 
The Heart Woman thinks with her heart.  She won't sleep with a man unless she feels a strong emotional connection with him.  The woman who thinks with her heart forms strong attachments and doesn't have sex lightly.  She is also prone to stalking  following a mistaken one night stands as she forms emotional attachments even when they aren't there to justify what has happened. 

2. The Penis Woman
The Penis Woman is much like a man.  She can have sex with no emotional attachment.  She is an independent woman who can handle her own in any situation: social, work, or the bedroom.  The penis woman knows how to handle a man - and in that, she can use, abuse and then throw him out of bed so she can get her sleep.  The Penis Woman has no attachments, nor does she need them.  She only needs men for their cock. 

3.  The Head Woman
The Head Woman is the mix of the above two.  She is thoughtful about her partners and can form emotional attachments - but she understands the fun of a romp in the sack every once in awhile.  She doesn't use and abuse men, but rather enjoys repeat appearances by the same man.  She sees the advantages of both the relationship and the fuck buddy relationships. 

Sadly, I must admit I fit two of these categories.  Even more unfortunate - they are the two extremes!  I'm a rotating Penis and Heart Woman.  I can either take them and leave them or an a emotional wreck over men.  It just depends on the day, the attidude and the man.  How is it possible to fit into two total opposite categories?  Yeah, you tell me?  I'm a medical mystery. 

What do you fit into?  It also works for men, except I would assume most of them are penis men :)