Killer Phrases for online dating

I can't help it, I'm a bitch when it comes to reading online dating profiles.  Reading through if I find something I dislike I automatically click off the profile.  And yes, I don't even give the guy a chance.  This might be why I'm single, but I don't care.  At least it weeds some of the really bad ones out first.

 

So what do the "experts" over at Time Magazine think are no-gos when it comes to online dating profile phrases (try saying that 3 times fast....)

 

“Down to earth.”
Well, first of all, I don’t even really know what it means. It’s going to vary from person to person, so the term is meaningless. I guess they’re trying to say they’re humble, but that definition is going to vary. It shows a lack of thoughtfulness about the profile that you’re writing. You’ve just filled in a bunch of catchphrases that you’ve heard. Even the most superficial, narcissistic person in the world thinks they’re down to earth, so that one is particularly ridiculous.
I'm with them on this one.  What the hell does down to earth mean?  Lets dissect the phrase.  Down means "on the floor (or something)" and earth is this big thing we are standing on.  So you are down on earth?  Yeah, try using something a bit more descriptive.  Like, hey bitch, I'm not all stuck up or anything, but I will call you bitch, so you better be ok with that....

“I love to laugh.”
Who doesn’t love to laugh? It’s another thing that’s completely meaningless. You think it shows that you might have a good sense of humor, but it’s just universal pulp.
If someone can find me someone who doesn't like to laugh, I might pay them.  Granted, some kind of laughing are kind of painful - think the giggling/laughing when someone is tickling your relentlessly or even when you are laughing so hard that you can't breathe.  I don't like either of those kinds of laughing, and someone who does might be a bit of a sadomasochist into weird pain.

“I just want a nice guy.”
The truth of the matter is, from what I’ve seen in my time here, women don’t really want a nice guy. They want him to be a nice person, but men who are just nice aren’t very interesting to most women—not for very long anyway. He needs to have something about him that’s compelling. He doesn’t need to be a bad boy or edgy, but that phrase on a dating profile doesn’t give a guy much information.
Not me, I want a total asshole.  But then again, I've had some of my best dates with guys who responded to a Craig's List ad looking for a guy with a slight douche-bag complex. 

“I love life.”
That doesn’t help me anyway. What do you love about life? Sometimes people will say they love music. That’s just worthless. If you like punk bands, if you like Black Flag, tell me about that. Tell me about a show you went to, or how the music makes you feel. Give me a look inside your head because that’s what’s going to make you stand out. It’ll also give me questions to ask you when we finally do get together.
Umm, if you didn't.  Wouldn't you rather be dead?  And who wants to deal with a dead boyfriend/girlfriend.  Besides, have you seen the price of funerals these days?  You don't want to get into a relationship and have them want to off them self - you'll feel responsible and want to help with the funeral costs and that's just too damn expensive!

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
Somehow, to this day, people still want to include that in their profile as a way of saying, “You know, I really don’t need this online dating thing. I really have a line of people who want to date me.” It’s a silly thing and it kind of degrades the process, and I’d love to see that go away.
No shit, none of us are real proud that we are looking for a partner online.  It's like we failed to meet someone in the real world and have to go online to find someone like that desperate fat couple down the street that found themselves online