The Bitch's guide to online dating

So, I've been online dating for years... maybe too many to admit. And in the style of Aaron Karo (Ruminations on College Life email list author and comedian), I shall include some random thoughts. 

FYI, whatever happened to Aaron Karo and his emails -- they used to crack my shit up and I haven't seen them in years.  I had to do a random google search to try and figure out his name and all that, but I found it again, apparently the guy has been writing other books, and developing sitcoms (otherwise known as, he's a struggling writer...) 

On to my own thoughts...

1.  Be Respectful:  Boys, you don't have to be a total gentlemen, but don't be overtly sexual in your first email.  Not too long ago I received a response to a personals ad that went like this: "God girl, you got some big titties"  Do you really think I'm going to respond to that? 

2.  Stop using text languages: Absolutely nothing turns me off like a guy who can't write.  I hate text lexicon!  U B good 2, was marginally ok when we had RAZR phones and you had to press the buttons multiple times to get the letter you wanted, but boys and girls we have these great things called QWERTY keyboards on phones these days and it's quick and easy to spell it out.  And god forbid you actually use text lexicon on a real computer keyboard - that's just lazy. 

3.  READ the requirements first!: So any personals ad or profile online states clearly what you are looking for, right?!?  But I cannot tell you how many times I've had responses that show clearly that the dude responding didn't even take time to read past the first line or look at your pictures.  If I say I want a man between the ages of 30-35, not married, for a serious type relationship and a 50 year old married guy emails me looking for a fwb - do you really think I'm going to respond?  And guys, if you don't fit the "requirements" know they aren't always hard and fast - but make sure you give a good reason why we should consider  you.  And when putting your own requirements into your personals ad... think carefully!  Chicks, by nature don't tend to want to fuck around.... You put that you are just looking for something casual, a one night stand, or even looking to date, but nothing serious you are going to get a whole hell of a lot fewer responses.  Not every girl is looking to jump into a long term relationship right away, but we want to know the possibility is there. 

4.  Please stop it with the cock shots: Guys, I know you are obsessed with your own junk.  Congrats, it's what you were born with, and we are going to want to see it... eventually.  But those pictures of your cock in the first emails aren't really going to turn us on.  I know as men you are visual creatures, but girls take a little more than that.  Granted, if the exchange is just looking for a quick fuck or something similar, junk pictures are totally appropriate.... because if a girl wants a quick lay, she's really concerned about your performance and what you are bringing to the table.  But if she's interested in something more **read #3 ** your cock is not necessarily the ice breaker.

5. Profile pictures are important, chose wisely: Don't just go and throw up any old picture you can find in your phone, the pictures you post are important.  Personally, I think NOTHING is worse than the ol' picture in the bathroom mirror shot.  Really, very little is attractive about a bathroom (especially if your mirror is filthy) and the odd pose where you are holding up your phone is just not attractive.  It's simple and easy to have a friend or someone just snap a quick picture of you when you are out, etc... and that picture is about a million times better.  Also, please avoid pictures of you in costume, I don't want to see that you were Elmo for Halloween or your picture dancing in your native Ukrainian garb (true story told by a friend).  And lately, chose WHO is in your pictures carefully.  This doesn't mean just crop out the offending person (we can tell a bad crop job).  I don't want to see you with your ex girlfriend or your hot friend.  And god forbid avoid pictures of you with your children - it's kind of creepy like you are using them as women - bait.  I don't care if you have kids, but don't use them to get women. 

6.  Timing is everything: Did you recently break up with your girlfriend, did you recently separate from your wife?  Yeah, now is NOT a good time to look for a chick.  The last thing we want to be is a rebound.  If you did just recently break up with a girlfriend, fine - but don't tell us it was recently.  And if you are separated.... wait until the divorce is final to seriously date.  Not only do you need the time to get over your ex, but it's kind of skeevy to be dating when you aren't yet divorced.  And girls, if you are dating, specifically ASK the question, are you married or are you seeing someone... because God knows how many douchebags are out there on personals websites who are actually in committed relationships (trust me, I know....)

7.  Meet quickly and in a public place: One of the biggest mistakes I've made is to carrying on too long of a conversation online - whether it is via email or instant message.  Absolutely nothing is worse than getting along great with someone behind your computer screen and then meeting them in person for the first time and there is nothing there.  If nothing else, have a phone conversation early in the courtship (yes, I know this is an antiquated word), but even though online dating is great.... there is a lot to be said for that connection in the real world.

8.  Choose your platform wisely: Where you post your ad makes a huge difference.  Don't go looking for a long term relationship on Adult Friend Finder (guilty)... Post on jdate if you are looking for a Jewish significant other, and if you don't want to date a girl who isn't jewish don't post on any ol' site (guilty of dating the Jew who didn't want to date a non Jew).... Don't post on Craigslist if you are looking for someone serious and real (super guilty of this one).

9. Be considerate: I write a lot of responses to personals ads I see online.  Like way too many.  And way too often I don't get response (this doesn't count for those stupid sites that let you join for free, but then charge you for the messaging services).  If you aren't interested, write a quick response back (it can be canned and used for everyone!) saying a quick, thanks... but no thanks.  Don't leave us hanging!

10. Have fun: You know, dating is supposed to be fun.  It honestly can't hurt to email someone back who doesn't necessarily fit your "perfect 10 criteria".  If nothing else, you might find someone to email back and forth once in awhile.  Some of the men I've meet online I have never met in person - but they've turned out to be great sounding boards.  And you never know, that "6" girl might actually be your perfect match.

Please share any of your hints, stories (good or bad), or anything in the comments!  (I'm sad that no one comments on my posts!)