How to use the phone, in 9 easy steps!

I grew up in the 80's - a kid was REALLY cool if they had their own phone in their room - or god forbid - their own phone LINE!  These days, all the "kids" have cell phones.  Hell - we ALL have cell phones.  But - do we really know how to use them, especially when it comes to dating?  I have to tell you, I'm not good at it.  Granted, for full disclosure ... I'm not a real fan of the phone.  Although I'm loving the new smart phones.  I don't have to talk on this shit!  It's awesome, instead I can use this thing to get on the internet, email, text, and all that.  And guess what... I don't even have talk on it! 

1) Don't hang up on someone and expect her to call you back.

   No shit!  Seriously!  Only hangup if you want to end the conversation.  If you want to continue it - stay on the phone.  Hanging up on someone is just childish and pointless.  Besides, with a cell phone you cannot make that slamming down sound that we did with old school phones anyway so the whole thing is a moot point

2) If someone doesn't pick up the first 19 times you call, do everyone a favor and leave a message on the 20th try.
Or here is a novel idea - just leave a message on the FIRST call!  If you are anything like me, you don't answer the phone if you don't know the number -- so you are going to rely on those messages anyway (well, that is if you ever get around to listening to them...)  So don't leave people in the dark, I know talking to an answering machine or an answering service or whatever is not the easiest thing to do in the world, but suck it up. 

3) If you text someone on three distinct occasions and she doesn't get back to you on any of them, it's probably time to delete that number.

I guess this is part of the age old question of how many times do you try to contact a person following a date.  And texting is no different!  Of course, this is some advice I need to learn to follow myself... I have to admit I have a slight problem accepting that a person might just be upset with me or not want to talk to me, and I might just want to know why or what I can do or...  Yeah, probably not a good idea.  And texting has just made it a little too easy to contact a person quickly. 

4) If you're in a relationship with someone, even if it's on the bricks, you should respond in a timely manner to voice mails and text messages, unless the leaver of the message has abused you, banged your best bud or in some other way put you through the proverbial ringer.
I'd like to clarify this statement slightly and it is all based on the word "relationship" which can be defined in many ways.  Lets just say, relationship is very broadly defined here - if you have any type of tie with a person - but it romantic or just friendly it is still a relationship of sorts and you should respond in kind following a voicemail or text.  Now, you don't have to follow a voice mail with an actual call -I prefer to answer questions left in voice mail in a quick text or even email.  But the more time elapsed since the original call the more the relationship will suffer. 


5) At the very beginning of a relationship, if you haven't responded to someone's text or voicemail after three tries AND they keep pinging you, you should probably have a "we're not anything to each other" or "your attempts at communication are making me uncomfortable" conversation. See point 4 for established relationships.
I guess 3 is the magic number there (like many places).  And on each side, if you are pinging (email text, voice mail) and have done so three times without reply it's a lost cause (I'm sorry!).  If you have pinged and received no rely then it might be time to move on (I have to keep reminding me of that right now - and I have to say it's NOT an easy thing!)

6) Everyone has drunk-dialed someone / been drunk-dialed and, unless what was said was wildly inflammatory, we should just sweep it under the rug. Also, anything hilarious may be brought up at a later date, with points being scored based upon the casualness with which it is referenced.
Ahh, the drunk dial.  I just so happen to be a master of the drunk dial - or did when I was actually consuming alcohol.  These days I try to be much more careful.  I have old friends that seriously worry about my well being after getting one of those lovely calls from me, and men that I'm sure are thrilled to get that phone call, but a little shocked at what they find. 

7) Don't keep the other person up too late, as sleep is important. Unless you're calling from Afghanistan, or there is some sort of emergency (and yes, frightening loneliness and existential freakouts can count as emergencies), it's probably time to hang up after the other person nods off for the third time.
Yes, this is for the ladies out there... and girls - I'm sorry to tell you this, but sometimes you can just be a wee bit over dramatic.  You don't have to talk to him ALL the time, and you don't have to be all goo-goo-gaa-gaa about who will be the last to say good night.  And lets be honest, tomorrow is promised for most of us - hang up the fucking phone so you can get some sleep - tired people don't function well and get in fights and fights are even WORSE for relationships.

8) A suspected pocket dial is a perfectly valid reason to call someone back and, if they don't pick up, you should leave a message. It can be as simple as, "It was probably a pocket dial, but I thought I'd say 'hola, brah.'"
Like #2, people wonder why the fuck you called them.  So just give them the courtesy of giving them a call (or of course my non-phone lover way - the text) and telling them it was a total accident.

9) Try phone sex if your partner is into it. It can be weird, and you might be paranoid that someone's listening or recording, but if you're separated by hours and miles, trying out a little dirty talk—at least one or two tries—can be rewarding.
It's true, and its SUPER popular!  My blog on Sexting Acronyms has over 100 hits - granted that's for the text and IM variety, but you get my drift.  Phone sex can be just as fun, you just have to get a little bold (full disclosure - I do have a little trouble at it even - as good as I am writing about sex, I can't VOICE it outloud!)  But it's worth a try or two.