Click... Click... Oh crap, that's my FRIEND!

There is something strange about running across a friend, a coworker or even an acquaintance when you are searching online profiles.  I don't know what it is, but it still feels a little creepy to see someone you know. 

Online dating isn't the "strange" thing it used to be.  Back in the day when I started searching online (geez, I sound old), searching online for love was seen as more geeky or dare I say... desperate.  But these days it's perfectly the norm.  In fact you hear more often about people meeting ONLINE than offline through one of the other old school methods.

Tonight, while I was eating I was casually swiping through Tinder.  I don't take Tinder very seriously  -- but honestly, you never know where you are going to meet someone interesting, even if it's just good for a short conversation.  But imagine my surprise when I saw not only 1, but 2 people I know relatively well.  And I can't explain why, but I feel embarrassed that I saw them, it's like it's some big secret. 

Even more interesting....  I've run across many of my friends, coworkers and acquaintances on these online dating sites.  But what I find MOST interesting is seeing those who you thought were in a relationship.  And then you end up in this very awkward situation... do you ask the person if they are no longer in a relationship, do you call them out on being on such-and-such site, do you ask them if they broke up with their significant other? 

All these questions, and I have no answers.  Do you??  Comment away!

Glitter Update, we were punked....

So last week I posted about a new website where you could glitter bomb anyone for the low low price of $8.00.  Turns out the whole thing was a marketing stunt, and a good one at that.

Matthew Carpenter, who created the site, did so in response to a ... "a New Year's resolution to work on more side projects to keep him occupied whilst improving my marketing & development skills."  Personally, it sounds like he needed shit to do and maybe should think about going a club or something.

Although, I will give it to him, the story caught on and articles were published EVERYWHERE.  And he did pay off for him as he sold the website last week for $85,000.

But... never fear, there still are places you can order a glitter bomb, etsy.com has had a string of glitter bomb offerings such as this GlitterBombShop etsy store.  Of course, etsy is the same place where people are selling glitter pills  as a "joke" but people are buying the pills so their poo glitters.  Hey, whatever floats your boat people!

At least it's not your mother... Overbearing Mother Alert!

Apparently instagram is all the rage these days.  The young kids have given up on facebook (and probably have never even heard of myspace... yes, I'm showing my age).  I joined instagram about a year ago, and it's fun...  based on pictures rather than text and such. 

BUT, last night I discovered one of the flat-out funniest instagram accounts yet.  You need to start to follow it right now! 

We don't know full details, but the instagram account is owned and controlled by a young woman named Kate who appears to be in her late 20's.  Kate has a boyfriend, which her mother refers to as "superjew" and lives in Brooklyn.  Her mother is not so gently pushing both engagement and children in the least subtle way possible.  While her mom's text would drive me crazy, Kate's posts are entertaining the masses (191K followers as of right now) 

I kind of feel sorry for Kate, but it's hilarious.  Start following the instagram account right away (@crazyjewishmom) and be prepared to laugh.  Kate also posts on facebook (www.facebook.com/crazyjewishmom), twitter (@crazyjewishmom) and even has an email address (crazyjewishmom@gmail.com) - so obviously.... all bases are covered.  Here are a couple of my favorites for you to enjoy before you add her friendship.

What a greeting first thing in the morning...

  

On Attracting men... (Crazyjewishmom is BIG on makeup and full makeup 100% of the time)

On dating... She wants that grandchild NOW

 

On Life Goals...

On Meeting the parents...

On Staying Safe... Mom thinks that Brooklyn is the single most unsafe place on the planet

You are HOW old?!!

First off, I'm a huge fan of the punctuation mark "?!?"  Its for those of us who don't really want to chose a punctuation but also want to add that extra special emphasis.  Now, I thought that comment was going to just be a random tangent... but it actually makes sense in this context... 

So, looking through Tinder profiles is infinitely amusing.  The one thing I find amusing is how guys in the same age range look SO drastically different.  I'm not talking about a couple of wrinkles, but I'm talking straight up like a teenager or looking so haggard they look like they have one foot in the grave.  I like to use one of my favorite phrases my lovely father taught me at way too young of an age -- but my family was very funny.  Anyway, what I wanted to say is that a number of these guys look like they were rode hard and put away wet (it works better if we are insulting men, but just deal with it right now)

Here is a small sampling of Tinder "Profiles" for guys between 30 and 35.  As a random sample (truly random), I just copied the handful of pictures that first came up and had a decent face shot.  So... what do you think? 

You can't make this shit up. Menswear showing his manhood

File this under... you can't make this shit up (one of my all time favorite phrases, and I probably highly overuse it, but deal with it, ok?) 

Just last week, male and female supermodels strutted the catwalk at Paris Fashion week.  Honestly, fashion isn't a thing I usually follow.  I like the classic styling - clothes that will never go out of style, it might be boring - but it's more practical and if I'm anything, I'm practical (thrift stores for the win!).  But... this year's fashion week had a bit of a shocking trend....

Men with their JUNK hanging out

Yes, men were strutting the runway with their twig and berries just flapping in the wind.  I've seen the NSFW pictures and it's not pretty, I can't even imagine seeing a video, or god forbid the show in person.  Can you imagine, you are sitting in the front row, waiting for some avant-garde fashion (hey, I've watched Project Runway, I'm not totally fashion illiterate) and then you look up and right into some guys saggy balls?  Yuck!  How the hell do you hide your shock?

Lets just hope to god this trend does not come into the mainstream!

Marriage Material by their name - women's edition

So last week I found a very unscientific poll giving the Top 10 names of Men who are Marriage Material.  

Well, guys... it's now your turn!  Looking for a woman who is marriage material, look for a women with one of the following names:

1.Katie
2.Sophie
3.Louise
4.Sarah
5.Emily
6.Charlotte
7.Elizabeth
8.Amy
9.Jessica
10.Lucy

I won't tell you which one, but I will tell you that MY name is on this list... but that's not done me any favors thus far!

Yes... your penis can be broken. How to avoid such a horrible fate!

First off.... I must tell you about one of my favorite shows.  If you have not yet watched "Sex Sent Me to the ER" on TLC, set your DVR NOW.  The show is flat out hilarious.  Think people doing stupid things while having sex that injures them so badly that they have to go to the ER and sheepishly explain to the ER doc what happened.  As you would expect, most of them lie at first and end up having to tell the truth to get truely "cured."  And in the tradition of TLC medical-based shows such as "I didn't know I was Pregnant (also a goodie!)," "Untold Stories of the ER," and "Trama: Life in the ER" the show includes really cheesy re-enactments that often include actors for every position except the doctor (randomly!!!)  Apparently all the doctors (which are often the same doctors across all of the shows) want to moonlight as actors.

OK, now back to the REAL reason of this writing.  But... I must say that I went off on that tangent because the first time I saw this injury was on "Sex Sent me to the ER".... So....  

Guys, I know you aren't going to like this... but apparently you can break your penis.  Yes, you read that right... YOU... CAN... BREAK... YOUR... DICK.  

How can this possibly happen?  Turns out that the woman is on top sex position is the position that is most likely to end with you breaking your dick. 

Some Brazilian researches looked at 44 cases that involved a "penile fracture" (note: medically

correct term) and in 50% of these cases, the "penile fracture" occurred when the woman was on top, riding your dick.  Second most dangerous, doggy-style which accounted for 29% of the broken dicks.  And lastly missionary caused 21% of the cases.  In all cases, men report hearing a loud cracking followed by a shit-ton of pain.  And the average age for the broken junk - 34!

So guys.... what does this mean?  Have sex at your own risk... And yes, even the thought of this makes me ill too.

JackBUTT

Last weekend I randomly decided to watch "Bad Grandpa" on Netflix -- and yes, I realize that I'm using correct grammar on a very politically INCORRECT blog.  But I can't help it, that grammar shit is ingrained DEEP in me and I can't escape it. 


So, back to Bad Grandpa...  It's straight up one of the funniest movies... (if you want to call it that) that I've ever seen.  If you haven't seen it yet, do so now or this weekend.  I don't often laugh so hard I cry, and this movie made me laugh like that multiple times.  And what do you have to lose?  Right now it's on Netflix as well as the "making of" called "Bad Grandpa 0.5." 

*** On a kind of related note, another AMAZING movie is called Grandma's Boy that's basically about a pothead video game tester and his friends.  Trust me, it's worth it.  ***

So, by a VERY round about way we are getting to the subject of this posting.  It's 12 years ago and the year is 2003.  I'm about ready to graduate undergrad and met a guy online on yahoo personals (online dating was very taboo in those days).  Said man met me at the mall and we proceeded to a movie.  I can't even tell you what movie we saw or what the man's name was.  All I can tell you is a very short conversation we had on the way to our theater...

We passed a theater showing the movie Jackass.  Simple enough, right?  Then my "date" looks at me and said, "Have you seen that movie, Jackbutt?"  I looked at him straight faced and said, "You mean Jackass?"  And just as straight faced, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, Jackbutt..."

Needless to say, that was one of the longest movies I have said through.  Any man that cannot say Jackass...  is a man that I'm not going to get along with.

Yeah, not the greatest of stories, and all to get around to the idea that some idiot couldn't say, "Jackass..."  Ahh, the days of growing up in the Midwestern Bible Belt.

Marriage Material by his name?

Yet another random list of names, and yet... why not?!

This time, a truly unscientific list of male names that are "marriage material."  I can't tell you what "marriage material" means or where the "study" came from.  All I can do is give you the list, so take it for what it is.  Be happy if you man's name is on the list and don't freak out if it's not.   And for my friends out there who are dating... just for fun, but maybe you should not go out with the guy whose name is NOT on this list :) 

1. Benjamin
2. Matthew
3. James
4. Jason
5. Eric
6. Sam
7. Robert
8. Aaron
9. David
10. Michael

What the .... what? Things that women do that men just don't understand

Girls... Admit it, we are strange beasts.  We do all kinds of things that make no sense to each other, can you even imagine how men must feel?  Wait, I'm sure you can, because men do some pretty strange shit themselves.  But that's for another day and another posting.  For today, we are concentrating on ourselves.  So, ladies.... here is a list of things about women that baffle men (with my commentary in italics per usual

THINGS ABOUT WOMEN THAT MEN JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

1. The time it takes them to get ready.   

I have to admit, in years past I was one of those women who took forever to get ready.  I mean forever.  I had to plan at least 90 minutes to 2 hours to get fully ready for the day.  Then again, back then I was trying my very curly hair straight and straight ironing it every day.  These days I've embraced the curl and if needed, it takes me 30 minutes to get ready (including the shower!).  Give me 45 and you'll be good to go.  But I'm a rarity!

 

2.  The obsession with shoes.  

I have absolutely nothing to say here, because my obsession with shoes rivals Imelda Marcos (look it up).  I have every color, every material and in every height.  Why do we love shoes so?  Besides the fact that they are pretty??  Because... it doesn't matter if we lose or gain weight, our shoes ALWAYS fit.  

 

3.  Why a handbag is so heavy and has so much stuff in it.

That's easy, because we have to prepared when you aren't!  Yes, gentlemen... think about it.  You are out and about and you need.... xxx.  Who do you ask?  And does she have it?  Enough said.  And that's before you even consider a MOTHER, the mom has to carry stuff for you AND the kids.   Do you really want to ask that question again?

4.  Spending hours shopping and leaving with nothing

I'm not the one to justify this one, because I'm not a big shopper.  I go in, get what I need and get out.  But I think shopping in general is a leisure activity, a time that your woman can just be (with herself or others) and she can relax.  She doesn't need to bring something home to enjoy the experience of being out at the mall (or other stores).

5. Love of candles

Go into the house of a bachelor... what do you smell.  Or the better question is, what DON'T you smell.  Guys are smelly.  Girls like to smell nice and we want our home to smell nice as well.  And if there is a man in the house, you need a candle (or a dozen) to counteract all of the smells coming from him - and don't deny that one!

Colorful Beards

The other day I blogged about a new trend of women dying their underarm hair (link here). 

Because I'm an equal opportunity hater, when I saw an article today about men dying their beards, I had to blog about it. 

I must admit, that beard dying isn't quite as gross as dying underarm hair, I think it's quite as odd.  Guys are dying their beard in very bright colors, including blue, red, and green.  I'm sure it's the hipster type that is also into the whole lumbersexual thing.

If you are interested in seeing more pictures, men who have dyed their beard as sharing the pictures with the hashtag #ColoredBeard (very cleaver I know.)

This whole idea strikes me as not very bright mostly because on my philosophy that anything that makes you unemployable is a bad idea.  Tattoos (that you can hide), some piercings, and things you can hide are ok with me, but once you do something so drastic that it can't be hidden by dress clothes it's not the best idea.  ** Note, obviously those in the creative or entertainment fields are exempt from this rule.

So guys, knock yourself out dying your beard if you are trying to hide your grays, but get some Just for Men and not dye with kool-aid.

Glitter bomb your "best" friends

 Earlier this week a new website launched just in time for your New Year's Resolutions.  That is, if your New Years Resolutions include getting sweet revenge on some of your worst enemies.  

There are only a couple places where glitter is fully acceptable -- on a child's "artwork" or a stripper's "assets."  Glitter is not recommended for any use on a full grown woman, and not at all recommended on a full grown man.   And I don't know how much experience you have with glitter, but my experience is vast and I will tell you one thing about the stuff - it has an unnatural ability to last FOREVER.  Not only does this shit just stick to you, it randomly shows up in places you never expected for it to be and for what seems like years after the initial contact with the little shards of glass (Fun Fact, glitter used to be made up of ground glass and the "glitter" used for reflective highway striping still is made of ground glass.  But, arts and crafts glitter these days is made from painted or aluminized (fancy word!!) shredded plastic or paper).  

Utilizing glitter ability to last forever and stick to everything, a new website has emerged called
ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com.  The website will send your "friend" a note explaining why they have received the bounty of glitter and only costs around $8.00 per order.  For just $8.00 your "friend" will be reminded of your hatred or the way they wronged you for years to come.  I told you, glitter lasts forever and will randomly show up in random places for years after your initial glitter bomb. 

Sadly, the company, launched by Matthew Carter in Australia has received in excess of 2,000 orders since the website launched on Monday.  Obviously unprepared for the onslaught of popularity, and has publicly requested that his "customers" STOP ordering and has discontinued orders at this time.  He tweeted: 

“Hi guys, I’m the founder of this website. Please stop buying this horrible glitter product — I’m sick of dealing with it. Sincerely, Mat.”

 I must apologize to Mr. Carter, but he apparently has hit on seriously amazing idea.  So suck it up buttercup and stock up on your product, because the approximate profit on each package is anywhere from $2-$4.  But, sounds like the idiot is willing to not only pass it on, but provide all materials to another owner: 
“I launched this website as a bit of a joke not expecting this level of attention. Heck, I launched this website while I was on holiday!

“For the past few days it has been stressful dealing with all of the media attention and even more so because this was only intended to be a small side project. It’s taken on a life of its own, and I want to watch it continue to grow under a new owner. Each purchase is worth $9.99AUD. I’ve calculated that the total cost of shipping an envelope filled with the glitter & the A4 letter to most places in the world from Australia ranges anywhere from $2-$4. That leaves $5.99 to $7.99 profit on each order. Somewhat overwhelmed… I decided to take the ability to order down, despite receiving thousands of emails & tweets from people wanting to purchase.”
   

Bitch threw away my stuff... Top 10 things that women throw away

I've lived alone for 10 years now, and honestly I love it.  I can't blame anyone else for leaving dishes in the sink (I do blame the fact that I don't have a dishwasher for this one), and I only can blame myself if I lose something (most often because I attempted to "clean up" and ended up putting the thing back where it "should" belong - not where I usually think it is).

So, I don't have any personal experience with living with a man, but I have lots of friends that have.  And tons of friends who have complained about what their man has laying around the house.

Now, personally... I might flip my shit if someone moved in with me and started throwing away my stuff.  I don't care if you don't think it's important, for some reason I kept it and you damn well better not disrespect that.  Even if that reason is because the trash was too far away and I haven't yet taken the milliseconds to cross the room.    

But... not everyone is me, and some bitches out there be crazy (back to my favorite term - "Bitches be crazy").  So what are women most likely to throw away? 

1. Stereo Equipment

2. Clothing

 3. DVDs/CDs

4. Wall Art

5. Magazines

 

 

6. Couch

 

7. Chair

 8. Sports Equipment

9. Old Hobby/toy Collection(s)

10. Sports Memorabilia

Turn a bad date around with this one easy thing...

Back to the "scientific studies"...

A new study out of Purdue University in Indiana was recently released to let us all in on a little secret to the second date.  Turns out, if a date is going south (usually fast), go against your gut feeling to RUN and order dessert. 

Apparently our strange brains react the same to eating something sweet and falling in love.  Both actions release dopamine into the brain and activate the reward centers in a similar way. 

So... if you are feeling only so-so, maybe order a dessert and find that match!

Still single in the mid 30's... is there something wrong with you?

So, I'm ... ahem... in my mid 30's these days.  (Where did the time go?? I started this blog when I wasn't quite 30 and I still 35 this year!).  One of the things my friends and I have been chatting about lately is the idea that there is something wrong with you if you are still single in your mid 30's. 

Now, don't get me wrong... many of us who are single in our mid 30's (and above) are damn good catches, but the idea that we are still single (male or female) does beg the question - Why are you still single?

Now don't get me wrong, there are hundreds (probably thousands) of reasons why someone could still be single.  You know, they were married at one point (and now divorced), they traveled a lot, they were continuing their education, etc.  But there are a handful of us who really don't have a reason.  We are just still single. 

I like to blame the fact that I was fat (I've since lost 110 lbs) and that I was a dedicated career women (I regularly work a whole lot of OT, but also have since decided to work less).  So, I have excuses, but they are just that...excuses.  To date, I just haven't met my intended... and I will argue reasons all day with you - I'm very very good with justifications.

But say I meet some new guy and he doesn't have a GOOD reason that he's still single, I can't help but wonder why.  What is his fatal flaw (or god forbid... FLAWS) that have kept him single.  Was he a player?  A jerk? or others?

So... what do you think (men and women), is there something inherently wrong with someone who is still single in their mid 30's (without a good reason?)

Girls... Does size matter? Here is a way to find out before he drops his pants

Girls (and guys)... we all like to say that size doesn't matter.  But lets be a little honest - size does matter. 

Obnoxiously big or a teeny peeny is really not a great trait.  Too big and it fucking hurts (been there) and too small and you can barely feel it. 

True story... once I had a guy on the (very) small size who was small that he had to TELL me he was in me and I'm not a cavernous type of girl, in fact I'm pretty small myself.

So.. lets say you are chatting up some guy and you are interested in what he's packing in his pants.  You don't want to ask, that's just tacky!  But you also don't want him to send you the infamous dick pic.  They are never that attractive, and a guy can always play with the angle to make himself look HUGE when in fact he's got that teeny peeny you don't want.

So... ladies, you can thank me later... but I just found this list online.  I don't know the source (nor do I care - if it's on the interwebs it MUST be true.  So here you go... the list of guys with the smallest packages! 

In reverse order... (and I will note, the guys who were my real teeny peenies have names on this list!!!)

15) Jake or Jacob
14) Michael
13) Ethan
12) Anthony
11) James
10) Justin
9) Ian
8) Dustin
7) Jeremy
6) Jeff or Jeffrey
5) Nick or Nicholas
4) Chad
3) Chris or Christopher
2) Sean or Shawn
1) Tim or Timmy

Will you or won't you... Top Names of those women who will get pregnant this year

Positive or negative... hundreds of thousands of people get pregnant every year.  Hell, probably hundreds are getting pregnant at this very minute (insert mental picture here).  Sorry, but it's true.  And like it or not, each of these women will deliver a child and name it something "cleaver" which really has just become the new norm.  I can't imagine how many George's will be coming up in grade school in the next couple of years (Thanks Kate & William). 

But, apparently there is a list floating around on the interwebs of the top 15 names of girls who will get pregnant this year.  What this is based on, I have no idea.  One "article" said it was based on the most popular names of those of baby-making age - but do we really trust anything on the web?

Anyway, drum roll please.... These are the Top 15 Names of Girls who will get pregnant in 2015 (and I will note, my name is NOT on the list, so you will not have to "enjoy" this blog going from crazy shit to just mommy shit.... at least not yet.

Top 15 Names of Girls Who Will Get Pregnant in 2015
15. Taylor
14. Kim
13. Brittany/Britney
12. Lindsay
11. Nicole
10. Katie/Katy
9. Kendall
8. Amber
7.  Amanda
6. Ashley
5. Jennifer, Jenny, Jen
4. Christina, Kristina
3. Heidi
2. Lauren
1. Shannon

** Is it just me or is there a whole lot of these names that scream 80s stripper.  Makes me wonder what many of my generation's father's were doing in their spare time that so many of us are named "Stripper Names"

Lumbersexual Lovin'

I've always been the kind of girl who preferred clean cut men.  I like a freshly shaven man with no face whiskers to irritate my skin (to be fair, I have very fair skin and it is easily irritated).  I think this dates way back to my Grandfather who didn't wear a beard, but somehow ALWAYS had stubble and thought it was a blast to run his stubble across your face when you hugged him hello and goodbye.  If I remember right he would use some phrase (but since my Grandfather has been dead since 1997 this phrase escapes me - but since this isn't the point of this posting we shall ignore that piece).

Back to the Lumbersexual Lovin'...  These days all the yuppies, millennials and wanna be yuppies and millennials have one thing in common - full on facial hair.  It's now considered "cool" to grow a full beard and look like a backwoods mess.  Don't get me wrong, I prefer clear shaven, but I have dated my fair share of bearded men - they just have to keep it soft (as much as possible) and neatly trimmed. 

But.... apparently I'm alone in my like of the clean shaven face.  Because now there is even an online dating website devoted to Bearded Men and the Women who love them.  The site, called Bistlr's mission statement is:

There are many people with beards who like to have them stroked.
And there are many people who don't have beards, but would like to stroke them.
Bristlr is the link between the two.

I can't make this shit up - if I did no one would believe me anyway. 

I do like how they make the mission statement gender neutral - so bearded women and the men (and women) who love them are included as well.   Just know that if I had the choice, the beard (and stubble) would go!

But for those men (and women) who can grow a full beard (god forbid they have one of those baby beards where there are big bald spots -- guys... the look is NOT for you) and for those women (and men) who love those full beards - check out the website and see if you can find your match.  I might suggest you ask them if they do carry an ax around though - because that shit is just dangerous.