Massage Van

I'm a huge fan of food trucks.  I love the idea that good food can be mobile and come to you.  It's great.  I think it's also a good idea as people branch out the truck trend and start to bring mobile services to us. 

But I think I'm going to have to draw the line here.  To convert a "rape van" into a portable massage van just seems like a recipe for disaster. 

But hey, $40 for a massage is not a bad deal.  If they come by my office I might have to seriously think about it.

Ooops. Man spies his wife in online porn

A man in Egypt was surfing the internet for porn - normal enough.  But as he was perusing the available "films" he noticed that the woman in the porn was his wife.  Yes, his wife.  And not just one video - the man found her in ELEVEN films. 

According to eyewitness reports, this man was looking at porn for the first time (bullshit) and when he noticed his wife he collapsed to the floor in shock at the Internet cafe where he was looking at said porn.  First, of course this wasn't the guys first time looking at porn and seriously what the hell was he doing looking at porn at an internet cafe!

The man - of course - confronted his wife.  She totally denied the existence of such porn.  But when shown the video (stupid bitch!) she had to admit defeat. 
Confessing to the sex tape, his wife said that her partner was an old boyfriend and she never actually loved the husband (with whom she'd been married for 16 years and had four children). 

Moral of the story, if you want to do porn, knock yourself out.  Just don't keep it a secret - someone is bound to find your scenes someday and it's an ugly confrontation that you just don't need to have.

Just in case you think you made a bad decision....

You are nothing like this guy...  He made the brilliant idea to get his balls tattooed.  And let his friends video it.  Ouch!

http://gawker.com/5903159/if-youve-ever-wanted-to-watch-a-video-of-a-guy-getting-his-balls-tattooed-nows-your-chance

Ohh, and just in case you think this is a one time occurance.... umm, it's not.  Here's another.

My favorite boy band member is.... gay?!?

I'm a child of the 80's, as such I grew up in the era of the big boy bands.  Think New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys, and 'NSync.  I have to say that I was much more of a fan of the New Kids and 'NSync.  And much like every other tween and teenage girl I had my favorite boy bander. 

At the onset of elementary school I was seriously into the New Kids.  Of course, so was every other little girl at our school.  In fact, my very first concert was Tiffani and the New Kids at the Ionia Free Fair (think 4-H or County Fair - not exactly a huge venue!).  And like many of the other girls we supported our favorite boy bander with buttons.  And these weren't just any buttons, they were the BIG buttons that were the size of dinner plates.  Girls wore these buttons as a badge of honor and I'm sure mothers everywhere HATED them because they had to just put massive holes in our shirts.

Most girls loved the young, cute, lead "singer" of the groups.  Think Justin Timberlake or Joey McIntyre.  Some of the more bad ass (as bad ass as you can be in elementary school and middle school)  girls liked the bad boys in the group (think Donnie or Joey Fatone).  But, I wasn't either of them.  me, I liked the quiet one, the guy that even in this very popular group seemed to be the underdog.  Me, I loved the Lance Bass and the Jonathan McKnight type.

Fast forward to adult-hood, both these and mine.  We began to hear more and more about these boy banders growing up.  First, Lance Bass comes out of the closet.  Great, good for him.  I'm extremely supportive of people accepting who they truly are.  Next, Jonathan McKnight comes out.  Good for him, I hope he finds the love of his life and is happy forever.

But, shit... what does that say about me?  I was really into TWO boy bands, and I'm two for two on picking the ONE gay boy to worship. And god forbid I go into my love of the one and only Ricky Martin.  again gay.

Apparently I not only like to go for the celebrity crushes that are unlikely to happen, I go for the ones that will NEVER happen because these boys don't even like my girlie parts.  

I think I need to start getting into hard rock or something, maybe rap... where I can fall in love with those who aren't gay.  Then again, you never know about those rockers - they do like makeup and skin tight pants... and don't even get me going on the how "down low" thing.

Maybe I should just stick to reality and stay away from my celebrity crushes, apparently my gaydar is just very off.

** And I will note, in NO WAY do I not support homosexuality, I'm just more alarmed at myself for always falling for the gay ones **

What did you just say??? Wierd Things said during sex

Ahh, sex.  It's such a wonderful thing.  There are some people who like the silent act of sex (great for those who have roommates or paper thin apartment walls), there are others who scream like banshees, and yet others who just blurt whatever comes to their mind.

Sex is not exactly a place where you often find people censoring themselves.  But according to Sara Barron on the frisky.com the following are the strangest things said to her during sex, can  you top it?  As always, her words followed by my own thoughts in Italic.

1. "Weeee!" I knew a man who said “Weee!” every time he ejaculated. Lest you need assistance in picturing exactly what this would have sounded like, imagine a toddler flying down a slide. Imagine his mommy waiting for him at the bottom, encouraging his fun with a loud and hearty “WEEEE!” That, my friend, is exactly what it sounded like. 

Humm, "Weeee!"  sounds like that man had some serious mommy issues and apparently reverted back to childhood with every orgasm.  Personally, I'm not sure I could take him seriously after such childlike glee. 




2. “Ay mate: why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” So, I was dating, briefly, an Australian I’d met at a bar. He was winning and adorable in all the ways you’d want an Australian to be winning and adorable. However, this one night we went drinking, and he got drunker than I’d ever seen him, and then – once unclothed and back at my apartment – he asked the aforementioned question: “Ay mate: Why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” Suffice it to say, his use of the verb “rip” did not help his cause. I told him “no” and it ended just days later.


First off, any man who talks like a pirate in bed (when you aren't roll playing ol' Jack Sparrow - yeah, I've never seen the movie, but I know Johnny Depp does it for a whole lot of girls)... Anyway, any man that talks like a pirate in bed probably should be shot.  And if ANY man ever uses the term "rip" when talking about sex, he's not going to go anywhere near my girlie (or "shitty" parts)!


3. “That was fucking. Now let’s make love.” I had an old friend I’d met freshman year of college, and years later, at the age of 26, we finally got around to sleeping together. At a certain point during the event, he was hammering away like a jack-rabbit, then suddenly and without warning, he took pause. He stopped. He looked deep into my eyes, took my face in his hands and said, “That was fucking. Now let’s make love,” and at that point, began a slow and dedicated motion to suggest he was trying to reenter the womb.

Lets be fair, there is a serious difference between "fucking" and making love.  Often fucking is just for fun's sake, while making love actually conveys some real emotion (yeah, probably what sex should actually be, but moving on...)  But to switch it up from fucking to making love during one session - that's just a way too big of jump to make. 


4. “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, kiss.” I’d been set up on a date with a friend of a friend who worked as a regional musical theater actor. To break the ice, I’d spent the first half of our date trying to get him to do a dance move for me. “Please!” I’d said. “A high kick! Some jazz hands! Something!” He continuously declined. Until, that is, we got back to my place.  “Hey listen,” he’d said. “I think I’ve come up with what dance move I should do for you.”  And then he went, “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, KISS,” while pas de bourrée-ing toward me. If you’re unfamiliar with the term (pronounced “PA-da bou-RAY”), it’s basically the French version of a triplet: Step back, step side, step front. This anecdote, I’ve filed away under the category of “Careful What You Wish For.”

Yeah, if a guy wants to "give" me a dance move.  I'm not taking it.  Go bark up another tree.