What did you just say??? Wierd Things said during sex

Ahh, sex.  It's such a wonderful thing.  There are some people who like the silent act of sex (great for those who have roommates or paper thin apartment walls), there are others who scream like banshees, and yet others who just blurt whatever comes to their mind.

Sex is not exactly a place where you often find people censoring themselves.  But according to Sara Barron on the frisky.com the following are the strangest things said to her during sex, can  you top it?  As always, her words followed by my own thoughts in Italic.

1. "Weeee!" I knew a man who said “Weee!” every time he ejaculated. Lest you need assistance in picturing exactly what this would have sounded like, imagine a toddler flying down a slide. Imagine his mommy waiting for him at the bottom, encouraging his fun with a loud and hearty “WEEEE!” That, my friend, is exactly what it sounded like. 

Humm, "Weeee!"  sounds like that man had some serious mommy issues and apparently reverted back to childhood with every orgasm.  Personally, I'm not sure I could take him seriously after such childlike glee. 




2. “Ay mate: why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” So, I was dating, briefly, an Australian I’d met at a bar. He was winning and adorable in all the ways you’d want an Australian to be winning and adorable. However, this one night we went drinking, and he got drunker than I’d ever seen him, and then – once unclothed and back at my apartment – he asked the aforementioned question: “Ay mate: Why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” Suffice it to say, his use of the verb “rip” did not help his cause. I told him “no” and it ended just days later.


First off, any man who talks like a pirate in bed (when you aren't roll playing ol' Jack Sparrow - yeah, I've never seen the movie, but I know Johnny Depp does it for a whole lot of girls)... Anyway, any man that talks like a pirate in bed probably should be shot.  And if ANY man ever uses the term "rip" when talking about sex, he's not going to go anywhere near my girlie (or "shitty" parts)!


3. “That was fucking. Now let’s make love.” I had an old friend I’d met freshman year of college, and years later, at the age of 26, we finally got around to sleeping together. At a certain point during the event, he was hammering away like a jack-rabbit, then suddenly and without warning, he took pause. He stopped. He looked deep into my eyes, took my face in his hands and said, “That was fucking. Now let’s make love,” and at that point, began a slow and dedicated motion to suggest he was trying to reenter the womb.

Lets be fair, there is a serious difference between "fucking" and making love.  Often fucking is just for fun's sake, while making love actually conveys some real emotion (yeah, probably what sex should actually be, but moving on...)  But to switch it up from fucking to making love during one session - that's just a way too big of jump to make. 


4. “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, kiss.” I’d been set up on a date with a friend of a friend who worked as a regional musical theater actor. To break the ice, I’d spent the first half of our date trying to get him to do a dance move for me. “Please!” I’d said. “A high kick! Some jazz hands! Something!” He continuously declined. Until, that is, we got back to my place.  “Hey listen,” he’d said. “I think I’ve come up with what dance move I should do for you.”  And then he went, “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, KISS,” while pas de bourrée-ing toward me. If you’re unfamiliar with the term (pronounced “PA-da bou-RAY”), it’s basically the French version of a triplet: Step back, step side, step front. This anecdote, I’ve filed away under the category of “Careful What You Wish For.”

Yeah, if a guy wants to "give" me a dance move.  I'm not taking it.  Go bark up another tree.

The 3 Month Rule

Ugh, another rule.  I am not a huge fan of dating rules, in fact I'm often one to break them completely - and you see how well that's worked for me....

So, when I saw The Frisky's article by Ami Angelowicz on a new rule it caught my attention, mostly negative attention - but it's attention none the less.  And really - what else am I going to talk about with you.  God knows I can't have original thought all the time, these original thoughts are far and few between these days, and I have to save them for school and work - sorry guys, you just get the left over shit and you are going to have to live with it,  But lets be serious, you are getting this shit for free, so you can't be too demanding. 

The Frisky calls it, "The Three Month Rule" and advises everyone that you must wait at least three months before getting excited about the long term possibilities of a new person (well, shit-damn-fuck - I really fail at this one.  Maybe I'm a wee bit too serious, I think about the long term possibilities when I first meet someone, maybe that's why I tend to scare guys away.... maybe, just maybe.... hummm....)

Not that I've really been in a relationship that's lasted more than a couple of months in awhile (yeah, so?  You got a problem with that??!?!?), but the author, Ami is right The first three months of knowing someone is a time of illusions. Instead of seeing the person objectively, you see them for who you want them to be. Your object of desire is laden with fantasies and projections.  It often takes a couple of months to strip away the illusions of who you think they are and see the person for who they really are. 

Ami also points out that in these first three months you can also find out if the person is consistant and stable.  You know... all that shit that will drive you crazy...  Do they call when they say they're going to? Do they cancel dates? Do they even have time for dates? Do they want to hang out once a week or six times a week and does that mesh with what you want? How do they treat you after a month? Any major disagreements on fundamental things? How do they behave in different situations?


So, at the end of the three months you are allowed to sit back and then decide if he's long term or husband material (if he's lasted that long) - is it any wonder I'm not married or have been in a long term relationship?  Now i Have to ask myself... Is it me who is too picky or am I just that annoying? ;)

Healthy Reasons to Have Sex Right NOW.

Yesterday, on New Years Eve, I suggested you all resolve to do something actually reasonable (Resolution Time) and resolve to have more sex in 2011.  So today, lets explore why it's such a good, and HEALTHY reason to make this resolution, and I'm not blowing smoke up your ass here (pun maybe intended - we are talking about sex!)... And this is actually scientifically proven, this shit comes from a real news source, CBSNews and they quoted WebMD. . . So hot damn. 

You know, being the "family" channel - CBS stresses that sex should be in a loving relationship, and I say that's probably the optimal way, but hey, if you can't get in a long term relationship... I'm sure there are other ways to sexercise.  Just open up Craig's List... I know "Adult Services" doesn't Exist anymore, so you can't pick up hookers (or escorts for you more high class folks) but Casual Encounters is still going strong last time I checked and that works just as well.  Check out my blog on Craig's List Changes - No more "Adult Services!" 

So on to the Top 10 Reasons why you should resolve to have sex now!

1. Sex Relieves Stress
According to researchers in Scotland (reporting their findings in the journal of Biological Psychology - I'm constantly amazed at the number of Scientific publications - I wonder who reads all of them!), sex lowers blood pressure and provides overall stress reduction.  The researchers studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity over time while the researchers subjected them to stressful situations like speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic and noted their blood pressure in response to stress.  Lets just hope they didn't make them perform sexual acts while they were doing those stressful situations...  But the sexed up people had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained. 

2. Sex Boosts Immunity

So having sex once or twice a week (not even all that much actually) has been linked with higher levels of an antibody (warning science content!) called  immunoglobulin A or IgA.  This antibody can protect you from getting colds and other infections (yes, that science content was worth it).  So, some scientists at Wilkes University took samples of saliva (spit for us uncivilized) which contained IgA from 112 college kids who reported their frequency of sex.  Those in the "frequent sex" group (once or twice a week - really for college kids?  that's it??? - had higher levels of IgA than the other 3 groups - those who reported being abstinent, or having sex less than once a week. 

3. Sex Burns Calories
"Sex is a great mode of exercise," says Patti Britton, PhD, a Los Angeles sexologist and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and Therapists. It takes work, from both a physical and psychological perspective, to do it well, she says.  Like I said in the Resolution Time blog, Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.

4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health
So, Hugh Hefner just engaged on Christmas Day to a 24 year old Playboy model.  I don't know about you, but I would think he might keel over during a good love making session.  Now, guess what... apparently I'm way wrong!  In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.  The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.  Sounds like Mr. Hefner is probably healthier than the rest of us with all the sex he's had over the years.  Hell, good luck to him!

5. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem
Seriously who can feel bad about themselves when someone likes them enough to want to see them naked and want them enough to have sex with them?  Yeah, no...  Now, I think this study is a little hookey, but apparently Boosting self-esteem was one of the 237 reasons people have sex -makes me wonder what the other 236 reasons were!  Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Cambridge, Mass says, "One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves. Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."


6. Sex Improves Intimacy

Dang, this article was filled with research, researchers, and studies... But what else do I expect from a real news source!  Doing it and having orgasms while doing it increases the level of the hormone oxytocin (not to be confused with OxyContin which is a very strong pain drug that people like to abuse but also gives you that whoo-whoo feeling...).  Oxytocin, also called the love hormone helps us bond and trust (what you don't want for one ngiht stands!)   Researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and the University of North Carolina evaluated 59 premenopausal women before and after warm contact with their husbands and partners ending with hugs. Tey found that the more contact, the higher the oxytocin levels.  So, side note... if you want to avoid that bonding and trusting... avoid the extra contract, the extra snuggling at the end... think wham, bam, and thank you ma'am...  Not my preferred method, but if you don't want to have the attachments of intimacy but with the health benefits... avoid the oxytocin!

7. Sex Reduces Pain
But, for pain reduction... lets keep that oxytocin going ...  as the oxytocin increases so do endorphins and pain declines.  Awesome news for those headaches, arthritis, backaches, or for the women in the audience - PMS!  More studies.....   In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half.  Not bad odds, and I'll take it... 

8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk
For the men in the audience, this is excellent news... especially as the incidence of prostate cancer seems to rise each year.  If men ejaculate five or more times weekly in their 20's (that's less than once a day - and from stories I hear - that's NOTHING if you are just counting self pleasure and not even counting the sex!), especially those in their 20's, it may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life by a third. Another study, reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that frequent ejaculations, 21 or more a month, were linked to lower prostate cancer risk in older men, as well, compared with less frequent ejaculations of four to seven monthly.

9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles
And for the women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. (And if you don't know what Kegels are - look it up RIGHT NOW!) You will enjoy more pleasure, and you'll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.  Besides, the fact that stronger pelvic floor muscles provide for better sex for you AND your partner!

10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better
And more good news on the oxytocin... it helps promote sleep, which also helps you meet new years resolution #2 in Resolution Time post!  And we know what a great think sleep is!

Romance in the Snow.

OK, excuse me for a second while I veer off my path of obnoxious bitching and ranting. 

I grew up in the Midwest, where snow was a very regular occurrence from late November until often March or even April.  Now, here in the metro DC area we are lucky if we get any snow at all!  Last year we had a an amazing snow storm that people have dubbed Snowmagedon where we were dumped feet of the fluffy white stuff in just a couple of days (yes, that's a bit overkill).  But I can't help it, I just love the stuff.  And even more so, I think snow is just some of the most romantic stuff in the world.  Just go with me here.

There is just something about the quiet that takes over when it's snowing outside.  Even better when it's so quiet that you can even hear the snow falling.  Now, that's kind of hard in this place where it seems like there is always some kind of sound - sirens or trucks or something.  But sometimes it's just quiet, think late at night or in the early morning.  I like also when it's so cold you can hear the crunch of the snow.  Yeah, call me sick, but I like that kind of stuff. 

So lets add a man to this mix.  The snow falling down around you, Blanketing you in a your own little ticker tape parade.  Going in for a kiss, the heat of your kiss melting the snow falling around you.  The only thing you can hear is the blood pumping through your veins and the snow falling around you?  yeah, that's hot.  Very hot.  Also, just very romantic.  Especially because when it's snow out, there are less likely to be people around and you always feel alone, it's like mother nature made this snow just for you, and you are in your own little romantic snow globe.  You can't tell me that's not awesome.

And even better.  Is that you don't have to say out in the cold!  You can come inside and watch the snow falling!  Snuggle up by the fire (yeah, I wish I had a fireplace - but I can imagine) on a bearskin rug (ok, again - imagining).  You both have your mug of hot cocoa, hot toddies, tell whatever you want.  There is nothing like snuggling up when it's snowing outside.  Feeling like you are shut in alone until it stops snowing.  There is just a sort of romance to it.  Now, you can't tell me I'm wrong on this one.  Even if you hate snow - the snuggling by the fireplace, or even on the couch while you watch a movie is an awesome thing about snow.  It just gives you a great excuse to stay home and enjoy the one (or ones - I won't judge!) you love.  So take the opportunity, even if the ones you love are four legged (hey, until I find a man that loves both me and my dogs - my dogs are my only love!) and while it snows snuggle up and enjoy.

Stupid Couply Jewerly Commercials!

, So, Halloween has passed and you know what that means?  Apparently in the minds of our retail world it's now CHRISTMAS! 

And what does Christmas time mean in the eyes of the retail world?  Commercials Commercials everywhere and all the time.

But what have I noticed the most, especially in the last couple of days?  And that has annoyed me...  All those happy go lucky ... Lovey dovey ... couply people ... men giving their women jewelry for Christmas.  We've all seen the commercials - open scene.  Usually soft focus, woman looking stupid and confused, man tricks her in some way and then presents her with that little jewelry box, women looks shocked when opening the box, kisses man - poof!  "Every Kiss begins with Kay.,..." or the specific jewelry retail outlet's tag line rings out.

So, these commercials ring out at least every commercial break.  Now, how does this make a single girl feel who is nearly 100% likely to be single come 25 December?  Yeah, I bet you can guess - like shit!  Yes, these commercials are on throughout the year (thanks for the constant reminder that we are not having a man proposing to us or not getting the LEO diamond, or not even getting that shared heart pendant - even if it is ugly!).  But come Christmas time, these damn commercials come on all the time, and they are particular "lovely."  And no, I don't want a constant reminder that (1) I'm single and (2) I'm not getting cool jewelry as a Christmas present and my only Christmas presents will be the practical ones from my parents or family (ohh, and don't forget the ugly sweater from that long distant aunt - I can't say that is part of my family - but I hear that happens to other people.)  Ohh, and don't forget - for me, those three monsters that I take care of 24/7 - the dogs...  the only gift I'm getting out of them are ones that come out of the back end... and I'm not doing anything with that other than throwing it immediately away!!!

So, on another note... for all of you out there.  I will accept jewelry as a gift!  Gladly.