Hire me! You won't regret it! Sexy Stories written just for you!

So some of you must have read the post I did a couple of days ago about Girlfriendhire.  I was trying to figure out what I should do on the website.  Well, hot damn... last night as I was trying to fall asleep it came to me! 

Check out my posting... http://www.girlfriendhire.com/fake-girlfriend-bizarre-fling-five-dollars/303/write-a-sexy-story-starring-YOU!

Just for you, I will write a very sexy story (think Penthouse letters!) starring you.  All you have to do is give me a general theme and I will get it to you in a couple of days.  Hot I know.

And because you are my loyal fans, the blow is a full example!

The weekends had been long and lonely lately. Busty Blond Bombshell (BBB) was having a bit of a dry spell. This, however normal for many, was quite unusual for our Bombshell. She had let laundry get the best of her and had spent the better part of this weekend washing and folding clothes.


Now, late Sunday night she looked over the piles of folded clothes, the faint smell of laundry detergent and fabric softener lingering in the air and the emotions ran high. Only female clothes filled her piles on the floor, neat little piles of her 36DD bras, skirts and dresses, and tight little tanks for under everything. Oh how she wished for boxers and the starchy men's dress shirts to be mixed into her piles. But alas, she could only fantasize as it had been ages since she had been with a man.

As she stared aimlessly at the piles, her mind began to wonder....
......
Bombshell emptied the full dryer, removing the contents - both her and her lovers clothes intertwined like the had been only hours ago. She reached in, removing his favorite t-shirt, worn thin by repeated use and held it up to her nose, taking in the smells - not only the smells of laundry detergent and fresh dryer sheets, but that faint smell of him that was deeply ingrained into the fabric of his t-shirt. Ahh, how she loved the way he smelled. She could be doing the most mundane task around the house, even at the office, and somewhere, somehow a whiff of his scent would come across her nose and she would instantly feel the electric between her legs. A buzzing and a need that could only be filled by him.


As her face was deeply buried in his favorite t-shirt, he came up behind her and surprised our Bombshell. Not only was he there, but he was also feeling the electric buzz. He came up behind her, pressing his long hard rod into her back. Ahh, how she loved that they were so in sync with their love making - he wanted her as much as she wanted him - and as often!

Without a word, her lover, lifted her flimsy summer dress that she wore doing simple housework and softly touched her pussy though the underwear. She let out a sigh and he felt the damp moistness already through her underwear. Quickly, with one hand, he pulled the underwear down and fully grabbed her entirely with one hand as to claim her womanhood as his own. She was dripping wet. He softly touched her, but she pushed against his hand urgently.


Bombshell grunted when he took his hand away, but for only seconds was she unguarded. Still with her back to him. His hard cock entered her hard and fast. One quick thrust entering her deep and sending shockwaves through her body. She gasped and pushed against him hard, driving him into her deeper. He continued to thrust, each thrust getting deeper and deeper until she felt he was impaling her with his amazing cock. Her knees gave out, but he caught her.


He spun her around, and lifted her on top of the dryer and thrust back into her. Sweet vibrations of the dryer seemed to come from everywhere. The little bit of heat and the vibrations drove her wild.

Please retweet, facebook share... I don't care!  I'd love to start writing stories for you AND your friends.

Dating out of your league

Match.com (the offshoot of yahoo's former personals section...) had a new article up today - how to date out of your league.  And of course, who doesn't want to date out of their league?!?  We have all seen the those couples that just don't make sense - the supermodel and the nerd (and I'm not talking about ones that make lots of money - ones that actually just love each other.) 

So just how does the "5" get the "10"... there has to be a way.  And for all those "5's" (or lower than tens) out there, just how do we date out of our league? 

Tease your way to conversation

I'm a huge fan of teasing, and apparently it's actually a good technique for reeling in that big fish of a man.  April Masini, author of Think and Date Like a Man and Date Out of Your League, suggests sending a short note with an out-there, curiosity-provoking subject line, such as “Thanks for the message.” That way he/or she will open the email trying to figure out what you were talking about - he didn't think you sent him a message - I gotta say, that's an awesome technique.  Half the battle is for the person to actually open the email!  Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, favors an irresistible challenge that shows your confidence, like: “Tell me about something funny that happened to you recently. If it makes me laugh, I’ll send you two photos. You won’t be disappointed.”   Also good, anything that invites a response is also a good technique.  Yahoo also suggests, sending them a link to a site that generates a silly name - such as your porn star name or something and sharing your own -- it just invites sharing.  Now, all this is great...  but I wondered how this is any different than just getting a response from a person in your league?  Thank you so much for providing this little bit of info yahoo... apparently this witty type of teasing emails provolk responses sometimes even before they go to your full profile - BONUS for you!  Especially because people tend to judge based on silly things on profiles.

Chat with panache
First off, I always use the articles titles ... and I have to admit, my vocabulary sucks.  So I had to google panache and it is, "Panache is a word of French origin that carries the connotation of a flamboyant manner and reckless courage"  And if I have to look it up there has to be at least 1 or 2 others that didn't know it too - so there you go - your word for the day. 

So chat with reckless abondan - and don't state the obvious - "I liked your profile.” “I think you’re cute.” “We both like pizza!”  Try to mention something obsecure that really interests you.  Case in point.  I saw an ad on one of the dating websites once and buried deep in his profile was a comment that he was a master at making animal sounds.  I grabbed onto that comment and wrote him back telling him how cool that was and bragged about my ability to oink like a pig and squeek like a guinea pig.  Guess what?  I got a response right away!  Not bad (and hey now, no sexual references here - this was completely innocent - believe it or not!)  And I'm not the only one - Alex Garth of New York City, a self-described “6” on the looks scale in the article gives a similar experience: “I knew the woman I wanted to meet was a model — she said as much in her profile.  She also mentioned that she’d traveled to China, which we had in common, so I sent her an email asking her what she thought of Shanghai. Within a couple of weeks, we were dating.”


Pave the way for a first date

Awesome, Congrats!  You've finally attracted that 9 or 10 via the online dating and it's time for a real face to face meeting.  Oh shit, now it's time for a date. You know, you've made all the "right steps"  (Which I think is debatable).  But some people agree that you do the online messages, IMs, then the phone call which can prove (or disprove) that you want to spend actual time together.  The biggest problem in online dating?  That's extremely easy (and at the same time, very hard)... the over anticipation.  On paper or online, a person can look so perfect (and perfect for you) that you put them up on a pedistal and basically idolize them.  But when you meet them in person expectations meet reality and it's not good.  I cannot count the number of times I've meet what I thought was the perfect guy online only to see/talk/meet him in person to freak out because he seemed like a totally different person.  Talk about a complete and total buzz kill - and you can't escape that easily after you've basically professed your undying love to him online - so be careful about sharing emotions before you met in person! 

Empower yourself in person
As the lower number in the equation, it's extremely important to always show confience - because as we know, confidence is extremely sexy.  And no matter where a person is - they should always show that confidence.  Masini recommends walking straight up to the man or woman you’re eyeing and introducing yourself. “Don’t be a shark and waste your night circling,” says Masini. “That invests your time in someone you don’t know,” which will only make you feel more self-conscious about not being “good enough” for the person. You have to tell yourself that you are the one worth knowing, not his/her sorry little ass.  Remember, outside looks fade - what matters is what's on the inside.

Look good, even if you’re not great-looking

My mom always had a saying for me, Always wear your sexiest lingerie under the most conservative business suit - it will make you feel sexy no matter what is going on.  And while being a DD there isn't much sexy going on under my business suits - they don't make a while lot of sexy for the big girls... What I do do is  look good all the time.  It's important to always look your best (and feel good about how you look).  Wear clothes flattering to your body type.  You know, don't wear the latest trend if it doesn't work on  your body - and trust me, a lot of them only work on certain body types.  Note, skinny jeans - look horrible on anyone that isn't stick sktinny.  Just leave them for the girls who are 100 lbs soaking wet.  There are styles that flatter a larger woman's shape - just find them!

Responding to Personal Ads... and actually getting responses.

Every once in awhile I get in a mood.  You know - one of those moods where I think that dating might be a good idea.  So I start responding to personal ads.  And in doing that, I go to my "favorite" free sites.  The last couple of days my sites of choice have been the old Craig's List and OKCupid.  So, in the last couple of days - or week or so I think I have responded to a good 10 ads/posts (or whatever you want to call it).  And so far, I have a response rate of 0%.  Obviously, I'm doing something WAY wrong.  Now, if you remember, I went through a very similar phase - shall we call it - back in September and wrote a post about it - Responses to Online Personal Ads and Postings - Zero for Seven this week . 

Now, I can't be the only person who is having trouble getting responses from their responses.  So I searched online and found a guide...  So for your (and my) information, according to ehow.com... 

How to respond to a personal ad

1. Write a personal response.

Don't send a form response to each ad to respond to.  (Duh!)  When I post an ad myself, I can spot these responses a mile away, they are so impersonal and obviously copied and pasted for each response.  Make a special mention of something he/she wrote in their ad (check, I always make a quirky little comment about something their wrote - granted, this is often all I write - and maybe that is my problem...)
2.  Avoid using lists to describe yourself.
Really?  I like lists.  ehow.com says lists are boring and a conversational type of sentence is much more catching.  Do's: "I like all kinds of outdoor activities. I do a lot of running and swimming to stay in shape." and "I like all kinds of outdoor activities. I do a lot of running and swimming to stay in shape. "... Don'ts ""My interests include running, hiking, swimming, dancing, hang out with friends, seeing live music, MT bike riding, people watching, cooking and photography."  I have to say lists are easier (and quicker!) and seem to get your point across much quicker.  But maybe that's not getting you the man (or woman) so more thought needs to be put into it. 

3. Don't expect your pictures to do all the talking
Pictures mean a whole hell of a lot.  Especially in an era of immediate satisfaction - everyone judges each other based on each others looks.  So automatically we think that we had to include pictures with our responses.  eHow.com says that you shouldn't let your picture do all the work - and let your personality shine through.  Now, another strike for me.  I may not be the most perfect girl on the block (but then again who is!!) and often I will send my witty response and my picture and just hope for the best.  So I guess it's not a total loss here. 

4. Don't LOL
I'm not a girl who really LOL's - in fact I hate the term.  I think it's kind of a retarded term.  Although, I do have a problem with using too many emoticons, or smiley faces. 

5. Describe your personality, not your appearance.
But, But, But.  All the guys just want to know about what you look like.  Granted those are probably the guys who don't really want to get to know you - you know like really know you.  They just want to get to know you Biblically if you get my drift.  ehow.com says if you send a good picture you don't necessarily have to describe the typical height, weight and hair color (I beg to differ because guys still want to know - and sometimes still don't trust your pictures!).  They suggest you use your response to describe your personality - but what should you really describe?
6.  Be choosy about who you respond to. They are.
I have to say, I'm pretty damn choosy about who I respond to!  Being in a rather large metro area I have hundreds - if not thousands - of men I can respond to on a daily basis (and for the rest of my life!)... But I'm pretty picky on who and when I respond.  I read their ad and respond in kind to what they've said - all recommendations from ehow.com
7. Don't send poetry.
No. No. NO!  Don't send poetry, or song lyrics or anything!  Just use your own words.  Please! 

8.  Don't talk about your "junk."
And if I seriously get one more picture of a man's penis I might freak out.  Guys, just don't.  Junk pictures aren't attractive and is NOT going to make me want to go out with you, in fact it's just going to make me delete you immediately. 
9.  TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK
I know Caps lock means that you are telling at a person, but I also find it really hard to read.  If I get a response in all caps lock I delete it immediately - it looks childish. 
10.  Include a good picture.
As much as they said before - pictures are worth a thousand words.  Make sure it's a good one.  And not of something stupid - like your car, your niece, your dog (even if I love dogs - at least make sure YOU are in it). 

Single Women Prefer Superbowl to having Sex...

For all of you suffering with Superbowl hangovers - of the food and alcohol variety - I hope you enjoyed your evening.  I have to admit that I'm not a huge fan of the Superbowl and sports on tv in general (I know, I'm very girlie in that way).  In years past I have watched in to participate in conversations the next day, but not last night.  I'm choosing to be highly anti-social instead.  But that doesn't stop be from reporting a bit of surprising news...

73% of single women would prefer to watch the Superbowl than have sex 



Yes, you read that correctly.  Online dating website Zoosk.com surveyed 1,000 singles about their thoughts on the Superbowl and found that 73% of single women would rather watch the game than have sex, where only 50% of the men would rather watch than have sex.   

So, I hope everyone enjoyed the game last night... And tonight has some great sex to make up for it!

Women Fashion Fad do's and don't if you want to impress a man

Our friends (well, not sure they are anyone's friends.. as I'm not sure these days if online dating really works at all!)... So our friends at Match.com released an article about what guys think of women's fashion trends.  Now, I'm not really a follower of fashion trends myself, I tend to go for the classic look - probably because I'm a cheap ass and I can't afford to change clothes/accessories/shoes/etc every season - that would just get too expensive.  Besides, I don't want to look like a floosey with some of the shit that is going on - and lets be serious - by the time you hit 30 if you are following some of these so called trends you probably should be taken out behind a shed and shot.  But lets look at current trends (according to match.com) and their male "experts" reaction to them.

Trend #1: Designer Sweats/Sweats with words on them
 Men: -- “This look always reminds me of self-absorbed teenage girls that hang out at the mall. Did you just come from Claire’s or something?”– Steve, 31, writer, Missouri

--“The words try to make sweats something that they’re not. Sweats should be basic, comfortable, and laid-back. That’s what makes them sexy.” – Andrew, 25, grad student, Ohio

-- “With words like ‘juicy’ and ‘pink’ on them, it makes me wonder about what message these girls are really trying to send. Not hot.”– Joey, 29, analyst, Vermont

Me:  Like I expected, why spend hundreds on "designer" sweatpants when you can get comfy ones at Target.  Not saying you have to get the Hanes ones recently (although I did get some nice ones for $3.50, yes 3 DOLLARS and FIFTY cents - cheaper than my latte!).  But a really nice pair of sweats, and I'm talking REALLY nice are way under $20.  And who needs a word on their ass?  It's attracting the wrong kind of attention!  And guess what, this time it's not just my opinion - but at least 3 random guys!

Trend #2: T-shirts with witty slogans or sayings Men: -- “Ninety-five percent of the girls who wear t-shirts that say something like ‘Out Of Your League’ really aren’t, actually. And shirts like these only serve to point that out. As for the other five percent, why rub it in?”– Steve

-- “I love a woman in a t-shirt. But I can’t get behind the off-the-shelf sort of generic slogan, message, or design. Now, a legit, vintage concert or band t-shirt, that’s a different story.”– Andrew

-- “These could be fun. But, only if the messages read something like ‘LARP is a Battlefield’ or ‘I’ve Seen Bloodsport.’ The traditional messages, like ‘Team Jacob’ and ‘Drama Queen’ make me wonder when your parents are coming to pick you up.”– Joey


Me:  Not sure exactly why we are calling this a "trend"...  And jury is still out for me (like ths guys)... And sometimes I wonder if I think more like a guy than a girl, and that scares me a little!  Anyway, I like stupid slogan t-shirts I think they are funny in the right setting (see http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com/)... but like Mr. Steve said above, don't be stupid and wear something that offends the men you are trying to attract.  And wear them in moderation, they aren't really all that "grown up" - especially if you are 30 plus like me (ugh, yeah, I know - getting older sucks!)

Trend #3: LeggingsMen: -- “If you’ve got nice legs, this look can be attractive with a short dress and heels. It says, ‘I know it’s cold out, but I still want to give you guys something to look at.’ That’s just being considerate.”– Steve

-- “I like being able to check out the shape of her legs while still having to use my imagination to visualize what they’d really look like."– Andrew

--“Leggings make me feel like she’s trying too hard. Or like she’s been warped through time from the 80s. Once and for all, Pat Benatar was not that sexy.”– Joey

Me:  Two of the three boys say they like leggings, but to check out a shapely girls legs.  Approach leggings with CAUTION.  I would say, don't at all - you are apt to be judged and judged greatly.  They aren't attractive, and to mistakes to me made are too great,...

Trend #4: Ugg BootsMen: -- “Wearing these makes you look like you were stuffed into a time capsule in 2003 and just recently woke up. Don’t do it.”– Steve

“Unless it’s -10 degrees Fahrenheit out, I can’t understand why any woman would ever put these on. And, if she’s wearing them with a skirt, I probably won’t talk to her. Ever.”– Andrew

“Short for ‘ugg-ly,’ right? Leave these to the Vikings, ladies. They wore them better.”– Joey

Me:  Girls, verdict is in.  Uggs are out!  Now... I'm not one to really judge because I live in my crocs (every color, every style - don't judge - they are SUPER comfortable and super practical for dog park runs and such).  But like Crocs, Uggs have a purpose, and somewhere in the trend that purpose was lost and they became popular for strange things and acceptable for everyday use (even in the middle of summer - which I don't get because they look SUPER hot!).  So, if you want to use them for their purpose, knock yourself out, I fully support that!  But for everyday wear, yeah, I'll judge you too, and I'm not so nice.

Trend #5: Giant Sunglasses

Men: -- “This is the female equivalent of a hipster beard — fun to wear, yet obnoxious. But, if you make a joke about how your delicate retinas need 100% UV protection on a daily basis, I’d be cool with them.”– Steve

“I immediately assume that a woman is not attractive if she covers up half of her face with these things.” – Andrew

“These are absolutely OK — if you’re 87 and playing shuffleboard. Otherwise, they’re just covering up prime real estate. No one is gonna bid if they can’t see the property.”– Joey

Me:  Humm, I can't say much, as I look at my GIANT sunglasses sitting right in front of me.  My delicate retinas need 100% UV protection on a daily basis - right Steve?  Honestly, I just like them because they are fun and different, but I don't hide behind them.  And girls, the way to avoid the hiding behind them is to take them off when you are talking to someone!  The key to a person when you are talking to someone is always eye contact... 

How about some BAD Pickup Lines

And since I hit those "good pickup lines" from a quote, unquote real online dating site - lets hit a fun website for some really bad pickup lines.  Askmen.com has a list of 10 bad pickup lines that should make you giggle a little, and while they are good for reading, and sharing on facebook, twitter and other social media - please don't ever use them - well unless you are totally toasted and you want a good laugh - then by all means.

#10: “Great legs, what time do they open?”

Dayyyyuuuummm.  That's a real one.  Although, I have to admit, it's pretty funny.  But if a guy actually said that to me, I might slap him across his face - and I'm extremely open sexually!  Especially a dude I didn't know.  Seriously that's crude.  But it's pretty funny. 

#9: “You must be tired because you’ve been running through my head all night.”
I think many of us have heard this one, and just because we've heard it doesn't mean it's good.  Tried and true, doesn't mean it's a good one.  It's just bad, and groan worthy!
#8: “Hey girl, what’s up? Guess what? It’s your lucky day. Out of all the girls here, I picked you to talk to.”
Oh, really?!?  My response - that's bullshit.  Confidence is good, being overconfident is not cool.  Cockiness is not attractive for the most part, and this line is just way over cocky (and not in the good way ;)!)

#7:"That shirt’s very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you I’d be coming too.”
Again, ouch!  I would error on the side of caution when you are hitting on a girl for the first time.  Lets leave the bedroom gymnastics out of the equation, or as Askmen.com calls it, "offering a girl you just met a sperm bath is not a good way to build attraction."  And any website that uses the term "sperm bath" is now my favorite website!   Although in pickup lines, references to bodily functions and body fluids are always discouraged.

#6: “Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?”
Ohh, this started out well, "Can I buy you a drink?"  But then we went into hooker territory...  Never insenuate that a girl you are hitting on is a hooker, that's not gonna get you a date, well... unless you actually do want to pay for it - then by all means!

#5: “Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.”
Another groan-worthy pickup line.  Really dude.  Can't you just be up front and ask a girl for her phone number after you've had a normal conversation?  Of course not!  And if she does it will be one of those fake phone lines or a fake number anyway, and good luck with that. 

#4: “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?”
Another oldy but bady - and a bit too cocky!  Seriously - why!
#3: “Excuse me; I think you owe me a drink.”[She says, "Why?"] “Because when I saw you from across the room I dropped mine. It was a rum and Coke, and I’m [your name].”
Ewwwww.

#2:“Is your last name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get.”
Bad, just bad. 
#1: “Do you come here often?”
Probably the most used and most hated pickup line.  Can't you be a little creative?  Seriously people think a little!

Last minute shopping? Try Online Dating Gift Cards...

Yes, I'm not kidding.  Tonight, I was going to write a cutesy post wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and thanking you all for visiting and following my blog for the last couple of months.  But in usual fashion... I got distracted!  I googled, "dating and Christmas" for a possible quick one liner or something cutesy. 

So, according to ADInews.com, one of the "best" last minute Christmas gifts is an online dating gift membership.  Apparently, it became a very popular gift last year.  My guess is it's the gift of choice by noisy mothers and grandmothers who are a just a little too interested in your single status (whether you are male or female).  Nothing like waking up on Christmas morning and opening a gift card... saying that you are alone.  Talk about a buzz kill.  Note, that many singles are already feeling a bit depressed this time of the year because they are constantly reminded they are single, let's just rub it in a little more. 

My advice, just don't.  Don't ever give a gift of online dating membership!  I'm a huge proponent of online dating, but choosing to do so should always be the choice of the individual!

Cyber Sex... The "new" sex

Ahh, the kids these days - always inventing new ways to get their rocks off.  Since the internet was "invented" (by Al Gore of course) it's been chock full of porn.  They say the first internet was just a way for scientists to share information - yeah, I know better - even scientists have sex drives - they were sharing dirty pictures too!  And since there were early chat rooms there was a way to talk dirty.  I can tell you - as an elementary/middle school kid we had dial up Prodigy, and you paid by the service.  Ohhh, I got in some major trouble when that first bill came because I was just talking to random people.  Imagine what kids (and adults!) of sexual age did!  And now, we have to advent of the web cam - all hell has broken lose.  You can video anything and everything across the net - and people do.

So, what am I getting to?  Cyber sex.  Is it really sex?  All I know is that it sure leaves a whole lot to be desired when it comes to this girl!  I get the point of people in long term relationships - when that's all you can do.  When you can't see each other and your only choice is that. 

But, just to have "fun" but stroking off in front of a camera?  Yeah, I don't get that...  Do you know what's missing?  Yeah, just about everything that's good with sex - the touching, the feeling, the kissing... do I need to go on?  Yeah, I'll do some dirty talk online, but that's all about foreplay, you know build up to when we can do it in person.  I don't want to build up to when we can do it online.  That's just a let down.  Where's the touching, the feeling, the heat?  Yeah, you guys that want your cyber sex? You are probably just cheating on your significant others and just want to stay "safe". . . well, don't let me be your fake lover.  I want a real one.

Whisper Sweet Nothings in bed. Wierd things guys say to girls in bed.

OK, we've all been in bed, and in the heat of the moment we've said or grunted something that just doesn't make sense.  (I've told you before about my little diarrhea of the mouth problem...) 

But, you girls out there... have your been in bed - having sex or just playing around with a man, or your man.  And then he turns to you and says something that you just can't believe.  Thefrisky.com has a list of 20 Weirdest Things Guys have Said to Us in Bed.  What do you think? 

-- “‘I love you.’ (It was a one-night stand.)”  lets just hope he was drunk!  I get a little love drunk when I'm highly intoxicated and would be apt to say I love you to everyone - so I can't say much.  I think that's why I avoid drunk sex like the plague!


-- “I want to lick your armpit.” eewwwww

-- “There was one guy who could not get off without stringing together a bunch of foul words that made no sense as a sentence. For example: ‘F**k whore a**hole bitch f**k c**t p***y s**t!’ So ridiculous.” ha ha ha

-- “One guy begged me to slap his erect penis.” Sounds like someone has a bit of a BDSM complex, and I would run away

-- “You’re the first biological woman I’ve had sex with in a long time ...” umm, what has he been having sex with, blow up dolls? 

-- “My last girlfriend had a bangin’ body.” And what do I have?  Yeah, don't compare me, we already are.  Give a girl a complex and she's going to give you a good bye.

-- “Your ass tastes like butterscotch.” butterscotch? 

-- “I’m sorry, I don’t always cry like this.” A boy cry in bed... yes, I'm not sticking around.

-- “‘Can I cut you?’ My response, ‘AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!’” Can I punch you in the face?

-- “Can I stick it in now?” Can you use a little more romantic language? 

-- “‘I just want to make you come, Jeanine.’ (Not my name.)” Use another person's name in bed, you better hope you have her on speed dial, because I'm not going to call you back.

-- “Did you see ‘Two girls, one cup’?” No, and I don't plan to.

-- “Call me daddy.” Call me, never.

-- “You’re like a man in bed.” no girl wants to be called a man, ever.  Especially in bed.

-- “I wanna shave you first.” Can we shave your back, ass, and the rest of your body hair as well?

-- “You’re not pulling my balls hard enough.” I don't like balls, so if I'm pulling, I"m pulling them off.

-- “Don’t worry, my mom has heard me have sex before.” Umm, thanks.  And no thanks.

-- “If we go back to my place, my roommate will totally join in.” Great, threesome.  But can I see his picture first.  I'm not about to come into this blind.  Yeah, how about not.

-- “I met him on an online dating site. We had only emailed back and forth, but he kept saying, ‘I’m a stranger. You don’t know me, I’m a stranger, you don’t know me. I’m a stranger you don’t know me,’ over and over again.” and I won't be getting to know you thank you very much.

-- “‘Could you wash this?’ (Handing me a used butt plug.)” Used toys are gross, no explanation needed.

More Strange CL Ads: Fart Fetish?

I love looking through the CL ads - you just never know what you will find.  Every once in awhile I will look through the M4W personal ads - hell, I'm a single woman, and I've said it time and time again, if you can find a guy in a bar you might be able to find a guy online.  If you can find a guy on an online dating website, you might be able to find them on CL (granted, your chances are a whole lot less!).  Now  - mostly, I just look at the ads to find something to laugh at.  Ohh, and I found one today.  Please read the following...

Do you enjoy a good fart now and then? - 29 (Nova)
Date: 2010-11-21, 1:00PM EST

Now that I've got your attention :)


Allow me to explain. For whatever reason since I was a little boy I have found it fascinating and mildly erotic when attractive women fart. Weird as hell I know.


BUT if you have a problem (IBS, lactose intolerant, vegan!) etc then I'm your guy. Maybe you know a friend with this problem, please forward her my may :) I don't care about this otherwise embarrassing and very taboo aspect of your life.


I know this has a 1 in 1000 chance but you never know until you try. This is just someone secondary obviously I am "normal" in every other way, have my own house, job, college degree etc.

Please email me if curious and put GAS in your subject line :) ALL emails without GAS will be deleted.

Location: Nova

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Yes, I believe I'm reading that correct - this man would like to date a woman with a gas "problem."  Umm, yes.  I understand a lot of fetishes - I even think some of them are pretty hot.  Shoe fetishes, etc.  But farts - really??  That's a little out there (don't get me wrong, it's not REALLY out there - but it's a little strange!) 

I like that this guy gives us a little indication of what kind of gas problem he is looking for - IBS, lactose intolerant, a vegan - thank you for giving us an indication of what type of problem you are looking for!  That's very helpful, even though a bit crazy. 

Now, girls... if you have this fetish... or feel if you can provide this service to this man - excellent!  Please email him.  I'd love to know more details. 

Dating Commercials - too good to be true.

I don't know about you, but it sure seems there are a lot of online dating commercials on tv.  Seems mostly I see the commercials for Match.com and eHarmony.com (and we all know my real feelings on eharmony - I was rejected by them TWICE!) 

Now, I don't know about you, but those commercials on tv show these GREAT success stories, wonderful dates and beautiful relationships resulting from these online dating sites.  And even I personally know people who have had success stories (although some I really do question the "true" success...).

Now... I call Bullshit.  No one's dating life is that great, even if you are not using the online dating sites.  Who has a first date where it's all laughs and giggles and perfect?  Yeah, you show me one of those and I'll show you a check full of adult beverages.  And the giggling?  It's a bit of the intoxicated variety.

So you know these commercials, they make me feel quite like a online dating failure... Really?  I can't have that great of dates - meeting people online or in person!  How depressing.  And really ... lets make all the people feel like losers because they can't date as well as the commercials?

Online Dating for .... Ugly People???

So I found another strange online dating site.  This one is for... Ugly people. 

The site title, The Ugly Bug Ball describes itself as real dating for real people.   You can find dates (ugly people) in Canada, UK, United States, Australia, and Ireland (I'm SO sorry if your country isn't listed - must be your people are too pretty for the ugly people dating website!)

And as a side note, The Ugly Bug Ball got it's first engagement via the website... Check out the beautiful couple to the left.  And I must note, that it IS a man and a woman, their names are Tom Clifford and Janine Walker and they plan to marry in December following a whirlwind online romance.  After only four dates, and a mutual love of junk food and TV dinners (they aren't the same thing?)  they are now planning a December wedding.

So, if you are ugly... there is option for you... Try The Ugly Bug Ball.  Let me know how it works.  Humm, then again I'm not sure anyone would want to admit that they were on the dating website for UGLY people.