You'll find him when you aren't looking. You have lots of time...

Have you heard that BS before?  Oh, you KNOW I have.  I've mentioned before that I'm from the midwest and being single at my age in midwest standards is not exactly kosher.  I know multiple people that I went to High School with who are on their second marriage.  Not that I have ANY problem with that, but dang, I haven't found a first husband let a alone a second! 

This all reminds me of some things my mother used to always say to me. 

First, during college I had a lack luster social life.  Not through any fault of my own.  My small college was heavily weighted with females (most going for their MRS degree).  After a rough relationship in high school, I wasn't really obsessed with looking for a man - in fact it wasn't as important as school to me.  That's what I was there for, right?  I've always been a pretty focused individual.  But the fact that I was single always crossed my mind.  My mom would OFTEN tell me that my cousin T didn't meet his wife until they were late in college.  I cannot tell you how many times she told me that over my college career - to give me hope. 

Moving on to post college...

My mom again, trying to give me advice, always reminded me about my cousin C and how he's still single, over 30 and how I will for sure beat him to the alter because he never wants to get married.  Umm, three years ago, C got married... now has 3 kids.

Well, shit.

My mom has given up.  There are no more cousins to compare me to.  Everyone is married and she can't justify my single-ness anymore.  I just say, thank god my younger brother (by four years) hasn't gotten married yet.  Then I'd feel really bad.

Do I really care about still being single?  Yes and no.  Yes, it would be great for someone to share my life with (and help with the damn mortgage payment and all the rest of the bills!)  No, I'm not sure if I could live with someone after living on my own for nearly 10 years.  Besides, who wants to live in my complete and utter mess? 

But my poor Mom, she can't justify to her sisters anymore why the only girl in the family is still single.  Sometimes I think they all just resort to thinking I might be a lesbian as justification - umm, I'm not.  But that might be easier for them to justify than a SINGLE heterosexual girl. 

Cooking with Cum

OK, this made me laugh so hard I have tears streaming down my face.  I cannot help but share a REAL book out there called "Natural Harvest: A Collection of semen-based recipes."

I only WISH I was making this up.  But it's true. 

According to the author, Fotie Photenhauer,

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

So, for $24.95 plus shipping, in 3-5 business days you can start cooking!  Just let me know if you do try any of these recipes, so I can seriously avoid your cooking.

Looking to NOT get laid?

Yes, it's a fact.  Most of us are looking to get laid.  Whether you are in a bar at last call or in a long term relationship and just looking to get your fill. 

So what kills the mood?  Yes, poor sex etiquette (mostly on the guys side, of course) on Thefrisky.com will kill a mood in seconds flat.

1.  Trying out a kink without asking.  Kinky shit is good, it provides for extra excitement in the bedroom.  But if you are kinky and want to try it out, discuss it first!  Don't just whip out handcuffs and cuff her (or me) to the bed without clearing it first.  Hell, you might be one of those wack-jobs that will cuff a bitch up and leave her there!  Or god forbid you have a really out there kink (like golden showers) and you just go for it. . . . Seriously guys, there is a lot of weird stuff out there.  We might be into it, but if you just start peeing on us - don't expect to get a call back (well, that is unless she finds it sexual stimulating, but the odds are NOT in your favor).  Ask first.

2.  Talking about your sex life with an ex.  Yes, we all have ex's.  And yes, the likelihood that we slept with them (and even had a good time doing so) is highly likely.  But we don't want to know how SHE showed you that move that drives us wild.  We would rather assume that it just came to you in a dream - or at least think that it did.  Yes, we want to know your general history, your health history related to STD's etc, but we DON'T want the details.  You know why?  Jealousy.

3.  Not offering a tissue to wipe up your spunk.  There is a lot of that spunk that just "happens" during sex.  It can be splattered anywhere.  But if you leave us with it dripping down on our face or body and don't offer to clean up YOUR mess, we are not going to be happy.  It's not the most attractive stuff in the world, so guys... take the initiative and take care of your mess.

4.  Dirty Sheets Guys (and some non-domestically inclined women like me) can go a hot second without washing their sheets.  But while you sleep, all kinds of things can happen - sweat, slothing of skins cells, wet dreams.  The last thing that anyone wants is to be rolling around in all that stuff (even if you can't see it).  Sex is dirty enough, keep the sheets clean.  And god forbid, if you aren't exactly monogamous, no one wants to lay on sheets that someone else has already been naked on. 

5.  Recycling Sex Toys  We all might have our arsenal of "feel good" items.  It's totally ok!  But if you think  you are going to stick that thing in me that you've already had in another woman - you have something coming to you.  I don't give a shit if you've washed and sanitized it.  It was in someone else.  See #2, we don't want to think about you with another woman.  Sex toys are great, but they are for one person.  Keep it that way.  If you are concerned about spending a lot of money on one and not getting your usage out of it.. .. maybe you should buy something cheaper (and more disposable!)

6.  Coming on face or in mouth without asking.  In my experience, guys love cumming in your mouth or performing their special "facial."  That's fine - sex is all about pleasing your partner - sometimes at your own expense!  But if you dare squirt one out on my face or in my mouth without first warning me - you got something coming to you.  Remember, that little member is rather delicate - and it's either in my mouth or awfully close.  One decent bite can cause a lot of pain.  A lot of pain.

7.  Not having any condoms on hand and saying "It's ok, I'll pull out."  I cannot believe guys still use this excuse.  Pulling Out is NOT an effective form of birth control nor is it safe!  Pulling out means  you were in me and all kinds of shit can live on that cock of yours.  If you don't have condoms (or girls, if you don't keep them in YOUR drawer for safety sake) you probably shouldn't be having sex at all!

8.  Not offering sleepwear.  Now, I'm not all that educated on this one.  And I fully admit that I don't think a man has ever offered me sleepwear - granted, I haven't stayed over often either.  But it makes sense, no one wants to sleep in that LBD that has been bunched at the bottom of the bed.

9.  Ruining Clothing.  Clothes are not cheap these days.  And especially if we are wearing our best to impress you.  Do not rip my clothes when you are undressing - it's ok to figuratively rip them off, but please keep them intact.  If you room is nasty, offer us a clean place to put our clothes.

10.  Not spending the night.  Don't assume that you can stay the night.  I once had a guy come over, with a backpack ready to spend the night - it was NOT discussed and I felt totally put out.  Don't assume anything when it comes to sex, you are just looking for trouble.