Thursday, July 26, 2012

7 Dwarfs of drinking... which one are you?

I found this on thefrisky.com and thought it was worth sharing.  I really wish I could take credit for writing this masterpiece, but I can't.  Enjoy anyway!





HAPPY
Happy has a great job and a super organized life -- her Type A personality would demand nothing less. She’s the leader when it comes to organizing get togethers, potluck dinners, and happy hour outings. A frequent Facebook updater, Happy uses a lot of exclamation points in emails. When planning a big event, she is excited!!! Upon receiving her very first shot, Happy will release a loud, ear-piercing "Woo-Hoo," which unfortunately will be the first of many. Happy will buy rounds of shots for everyone (usually Irish car bombs or So Cos and lime) because she has been anxiously awaiting the girls’ night out for ages and plans on making it count. Happy has a tendency to be a puker, which is her biggest drinking drawback. Everyone should be so lucky as to be a Happy.

SLEEPY
The Sleepy in your group is the one that goes out the least. She has a job with epic hours (think lawyer or marketing executive), and while you’ve known her forever, you’re more likely to have a Bigfoot sighting than to catch a glimpse of her. So when she RSVP’s last with a “well, maybe, let me see how things are at work," everyone is pleasantly surprised. More than two drinks is a rarity for Sleepy. If you can get her to the club, she’ll nurse her Ketel One and tonic for at least an hour (or two), happily volunteering to watch the purses while the rest of the ladies dance. Not wanting to be a party pooper, around 11pm you’ll find Sleepy sitting upright on a couch with her eyes completely closed. Is she napping? Is she resting? Is she wasted? You’re not sure. If you wake her, she’ll respond with a groggy, “I’m good. I’m good.” She wants to party with her girlfriends, but even Cinderella can stay out later than Sleepy.

SNEEZY
Sneezy always has, and always will, party like a rock star. She hasn't changed a bit since age 21. Sneezy has a job that requires the absolute least amount of effort or commitment. She may be an administrative assistant to someone who lets her get away with murder. While never in a committed relationship, Sneezy's cell phone is constantly blowing up with guys who are “just friends.” After three drinks, Sneezy is hilarious, fun, outrageous. However, after five or six drinks, there is only one thing a true Sneezy wants. Drugs. She may have some coke handy, which explains her effortlessly skinny frame and manic behavior. Either way, she possesses drugs or the uncanny ability to find them. No matter what the circumstances, Sneezy will party harder and longer than anyone else will want to, and considers a Vegas girls’ weekend the perfect excuse to do so.

DOPEY
Dopey is the wild card. She is a ton of fun, but drives everyone mental. Dopey has had so many jobs, it’s hard to keep track. In the course of the evening, Dopey will lose her purse, her phone, her ID, a shoe and possibly her dignity. Unable to turn down a shot, she parties blissfully through the night unconcerned about her belongings while her friends just try to make sure she makes it home safely. Dopey rarely is without a drink in her hand. Always a beer fan, she’ll happy shoot some Jager bombs to get the night started and then switch to whiskey if left unchecked. About five drinks in, you may find her having a long conversation with a creepy dude. Unfortunately, Dopey has a tendency to wander off. Best-case scenario, Dopey will end up on the dance floor. She can go all night, especially if there is a Lady Gaga/Britney mashup. Word of advice: Dopey needs to be looked after.

GRUMPY
No one claims to be a Grumpy, but every group has one. No matter what is going on in her life, she is swamped and stressed, and you never know what will set her off. After two drinks, you may find Grumpy arguing with a bartender, or maybe her feet hurting and there's nowhere for her to sit. Whatever it may be, at some point in the night, she’s going to get pissy and will not hesitate to let everyone know about it. Sometimes more alcohol solves this problem, but it’s a fine line because additional booze can turn a Grumpy even Grumpier. Fruity drinks are your best option for Grumpy. No matter what, keep her away from Jager bombs or tequila.

BASHFUL
Bashful is the group's secret weapon. She has a lovely boyfriend, is effortlessly attractive and tends to have an artistic career. Everyone would hate Bashful if she weren’t so damn sweet and cool. Bashfuls tend to be quiet and shy but totally cut loose when everyone gets together. She’ll spend the first half of the evening drinking wine and then may move on to vodka later in the evening. Because she is demure, says little and is attractive, men think she’s amazing. And so do you. Why? Because Bashful is responsible for every free drink, VIP seat, and waived cover charge. Bashful is the glue holding the group together because she goes along with every decision and keeps things positive when Grumpy loses her shit or Dopey disappears.

DOC
Every girl group must have a Doc. But poor Doc. All she wants to do is have a good time. She works really hard but is rarely acknowledged for it (possibly a doctor, teacher or nurse), which makes her an automatic caretaker. While Doc would kill for a stress-free, relaxing night out, she will spend most of the evening taking care of the other Dwarves. She makes sure Sleepy gets back to the room without the creeper she was chatting with, helps Dopey find her purse, holds Happy’s hair when she pukes and signs the credit card receipt when Grumpy is demanding to speak to a manager. Every group of girls needs their Doc if they want to make it through the night alive and well.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Bible or 50 Shades of Gray??

I'm not a very religious person, lets just get  that straight.  But this is just crazy...

The Damson Dene Hotel in the United Kingdom has made a bold stance by replacing the Bible with 50 Shades of Gray in their hotel's nightstands.  The owner thinks that providing a copy of the book is a "hospitable thing to do."

The owner bought the hotel from a Methodist group 10 years ago and disagreed with having the Gideon's Bibles in each room.  He deemed it "wholly inappropriate" to put a religious book in one's bedroom.  The hotel still provides Bibles, but one must request one from the Front Desk.

Now as my last post said, I'm all for literotica, but I'm also one for tradition, and I'm not sure swapping out the Bible with literorica is the best move.  Maybe include both?  Although if they both were in the same drawer, 50 Shades of Gray might spontaneously combust!

Opinions?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Predate jerkoff

So I was reading an article this afternoon about 10 things he's thinking about while you are naked.  Nothing really stuck out except one comment.  Basically, the idea was that a guy has a mental checklist prior to the date...  One piece of the checklist was the idea of a pre-date orgasm.

Do guys really do this?  Do they jackoff before the date?  I guess it would prevent any "pop-up" problems if you know what I mean.  And reduce the urge to have sex as soon as you meet the women in question. 

so boys, do you really do the pre-date jerkoff?  And why?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dick tales

Yeah, so that was a play on the fabulous cartoon - Duck Tails that I loved as a kid.  Loved the beginning where Scrooge (??) swims in his vat of money.  Duck tales - whoo oo!

Anyway.  on the frisky today there was an article about famous dicks.  And not men named Richard.  Actual dicks.  You know, penis' and the men they are attached to.  Since I can't make this shit up, I will include their exact words (and pictures - which are completely safe for work!).  Enjoy, or be scared a bit like I was....

1. Jonah Falcon 
Men, how do you know you're well-endowed? Oh, when your penis is mistaken for a weapon of mass destruction. Jonah Falcon, the man presumed to have the world's largest penis (although Guinness World Records has not been down in his pants to confirm), aroused suspicion at the San Francisco International airport when passing through security.

At 9 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches at full mast (take that Ron Jeremy!), it's not surprising that airport security suspected his "very noticeable" bulge might have been an explosive device. “I had my 'stuff'' strapped to the left. I wasn't erect at the time … One of the guards asked if my pockets were empty and I said, 'Yes.' I said, ‘It’s my d**k.' He gave me a pat down … They even put some powder on my pants, probably a test for explosives. I found it amusing," said the 41-year-old New Yorker. Falcon joked that next time he's "just going to wear bike shorts" when traveling. Great idea, Jonah! Click on through to see more of the most amazing d**ks that have ever existed.

Let me say first.... OUCH.  13.5 inches, that would just HURT.  The average vagina is only 3 - 7 inches deep.  Yes, that's a big range, but our vags vary as much as his dicks do.  13.5 inches is double that of the deepest vagina.  I can't even imagine that can even feel good.  And I'd also like to point out, Mr. Falcon is a dumb ass.... he has no job and lives with his mama.  He would be a serious draw in porn and should really suck it up and do it.

2.  Wesley Warren Jr.
Wesley Warren Jr. made headlines for his unusually large ball. He was trying to raise $1 million to have his 100-pound scrotum removed, which is caused by a condition known scrotal elephantiasis. But when "The Dr. Oz Show" offered to foot the bill for Warren's ball, he turned them down saying he didn't want to lose the fame his testicles had earned him. Seems like an odd choice, but it's his ball and he can do with it what he wants. We wish him luck finding underwear that fit.

A 100lb ball?  Yeah, how about not!  I don't like balls that are the size of a golf ball, let alone ones that are the size of a freaking hot air balloon. 

3. Chuck Lennon
After penile implant surgery went wrong, poor Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, had a hard-on for a decade. That's gotta hurt. Unfortunately, the Dura-II steel and plastic device made him go up but could not make him go down. As a result, the handyman became a recluse. "He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment." Lennon sued the doctor who botched his 1996 wang operation and won $400,000. Lesson learned? Don't dick with your dong.
Elective surgery on your penis is a no-no.  I know all you guys want it bigger, wider or something different than what you got.  Just don't.  Just learn how to use what you got.... or boys, you can get anywhere if you know what to do with your tongue if you know what I mean!

4. Ron Jeremy
Who's more famous: Ron Jeremy or his tool? 'Tis hard to say. The former substitute teacher porked his way to infamy with his 9.75-inch schlong, which has starred in a Guinness World Record 2,000+ adult movies. While over the years Jeremy's hirsute and rotund physique has earned him the moniker "The Hedgehog," as a younger, slimmer man, he was able to autofellate himself. No small feat, surely.

Really, only 9.75 inches?  And that dude is 13.5 inches?  And he doesn't want to get into porn.  Idiot.

5. Barry Kenny
Most guys use their peens for getting off, but Barry Kenny used his dangler to get off in court. Last summer, the 28-year-old forklift operator was accused of flashing a female guard during a drunken train ride. In court, though, his accuser failed to identify any "distinguishing marks" on Kenny's little friend (nickname: "Larry"). As it turned out, Larry sported a two-inch tattoo of a lizard. (Initially, Kenny asserted the tattoo was seven inches long, but stuck with the truth when he was reminded that he was testifying under oath.) After Kenny exposed himself to the judge, he walked free, thanks to the silent testimony of his member. Afterward, Kenny's wife Nikki opined: "That tattoo probably saved his skin."
I bet this guy had NO idea that some ink he got probably while he was totally drunk and probably high would save him from jail time!  I just have to say any piercing or tattooing of such a sensitive organ just seems stupid....

Monday, July 16, 2012

Shoes that double as pockets!

I love shoes.  I love purses.  What I don't like is carrying a purse when I'm out at a bar, etc (not that I do that much anymore, but in the past!).  A purse can get super heavy (especially if you carry the monster ones that I do with everything you could possibly ever need in it!).  You can't leave your purse at the table if you go to go dancing or get a new drink = it's just way too dangerous.  That's how identify theft and just regular theft happens.  And besides, no one wants to lose their expensive purse because some bitch decided she needed it more than you do.

So... a miracle has fallen  upon us.  A company called Bellona Fashions has come up with the ingenious idea to create a shoe with a wedge heel that contains a special compartment.  A pocket as you will.  You can store anything in these pockets and you don't have to worry about carrying a purse around. 

Unfortunately, the price is not cheap - $145 - $295 (umm, OUCH!) but i like the idea!  And the best part - the shoes aren't ugly!


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Red Solo Cup PSA

Did you know... that the lines on a Solo cup actually mean something?  They aren't just grippy lines that keep it from sliding out of your hands.  Granted, it's no big surprise that it all goes back to booze.  But hey, why not.  It's good information to have!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Killer Phrases for online dating

“Down to earth.”
Well, first of all, I don’t even really know what it means. It’s going to vary from person to person, so the term is meaningless. I guess they’re trying to say they’re humble, but that definition is going to vary. It shows a lack of thoughtfulness about the profile that you’re writing. You’ve just filled in a bunch of catchphrases that you’ve heard. Even the most superficial, narcissistic person in the world thinks they’re down to earth, so that one is particularly ridiculous.
I'm with them on this one.  What the hell does down to earth mean?  Lets dissect the phrase.  Down means "on the floor (or something)" and earth is this big thing we are standing on.  So you are down on earth?  Yeah, try using something a bit more descriptive.  Like, hey bitch, I'm not all stuck up or anything, but I will call you bitch, so you better be ok with that....

“I love to laugh.”
Who doesn’t love to laugh? It’s another thing that’s completely meaningless. You think it shows that you might have a good sense of humor, but it’s just universal pulp.
If someone can find me someone who doesn't like to laugh, I might pay them.  Granted, some kind of laughing are kind of painful - think the giggling/laughing when someone is tickling your relentlessly or even when you are laughing so hard that you can't breathe.  I don't like either of those kinds of laughing, and someone who does might be a bit of a sadomasochist into weird pain.

“I just want a nice guy.”
The truth of the matter is, from what I’ve seen in my time here, women don’t really want a nice guy. They want him to be a nice person, but men who are just nice aren’t very interesting to most women—not for very long anyway. He needs to have something about him that’s compelling. He doesn’t need to be a bad boy or edgy, but that phrase on a dating profile doesn’t give a guy much information.
Not me, I want a total asshole.  But then again, I've had some of my best dates with guys who responded to a Craig's List ad looking for a guy with a slight douche-bag complex. 

“I love life.”
That doesn’t help me anyway. What do you love about life? Sometimes people will say they love music. That’s just worthless. If you like punk bands, if you like Black Flag, tell me about that. Tell me about a show you went to, or how the music makes you feel. Give me a look inside your head because that’s what’s going to make you stand out. It’ll also give me questions to ask you when we finally do get together.
Umm, if you didn't.  Wouldn't you rather be dead?  And who wants to deal with a dead boyfriend/girlfriend.  Besides, have you seen the price of funerals these days?  You don't want to get into a relationship and have them want to off them self - you'll feel responsible and want to help with the funeral costs and that's just too damn expensive!

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
Somehow, to this day, people still want to include that in their profile as a way of saying, “You know, I really don’t need this online dating thing. I really have a line of people who want to date me.” It’s a silly thing and it kind of degrades the process, and I’d love to see that go away.
No shit, none of us are real proud that we are looking for a partner online.  It's like we failed to meet someone in the real world and have to go online to find someone like that desperate fat couple down the street that found themselves online

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Sexercise!

No woman I know is 100% happy with her body.  I'd love to say that women are self confident.  But how many chicks do you know that wouldn't be happy to burn a couple of calories - and have fun doing it?

Hell yeah!  So when I came across a posting giving approximate calorie burn for sex acts, I'm all for it!  Then again, I'm going to have to find a willing partner, but I'm sure there is a guy (or two) out there who could stand to burn a few cals too! 

Making Out, 30 minutes: 230 calories

Foreplay, 20 minutes: 87 calories for women, 107 calories for men

Unclasping a bra with both hands: 8 calories

Unclasping a bra with one hand: 18 calories

Unclasping a bra with your mouth: 67 calories

Strip Tease: 60 Calories

Oral Sex: 100 calories

Missionary Position, 10 minutes: 250 calories

Woman on Top, 10 minutes: 300 calories for women, 130 calories for men.

Sex Standing Up: Up to 600 calories for both people.

Masturbation: Up to 150 calories per session.

Orgasm: From 60-100 calories

Meat on the bone.

Ahh, yes... I know you.  You read the subject line and thought I was going to talk about boners.  Well, I'm not.... kind of.

So, I have weird eating habits, I'm super picking and I don't like strange things.  Mayo makes me want to hurl, even looking at it makes me want to puke.  I don't like spice - at all!  But one of my strangest eating quirks is that I don't like eating meat off the bone.

You know - a T-bone steak (then again, I don't like steak either!), or chicken wings, or even fried chicken with the bones still in it.  I don't know what it is, but it creeps me out. 

Now my friends think this is hilarious.  Who doesn't like chicken wings (not only are they spicy, but that damn bone thing!)?  I have to admit, once in awhile I do like a chicken wing, as long as it's very mild, and I only eat the very outer layer of meat, I leave more meat on it than I eat because I don't like to get too close to the bone!

And god forbid I say that I don't like meat on the bone in PUBLIC because every snickers at me and makes references to blow jobs - and my love of them, but my aversion to the real meat on the bone.

OK, that's it, I just wanted to share my bone story... mostly because a friend told me I had to write about this on my blog.  so there you go G.. ;)