Monday, April 30, 2012

Lies we tell...

Did you know that today - 30 April - is National Honesty Day.  Yeah, don't ask me who came up with this day to be "celebrated" but we do.  Granted, I'm not sure any holiday where we don't get work off really desrves to be called a holiday - but that's neither here nor there.

** And as a side note, I looked it up, just for my own satisfaction.  National Honesty Day was "developed" by M. Hirsh Goldberg (former Press Secretary to a Maryland Govenor) in the early 1990's after he spent four years researching and writing "The Book of Lies" **


So, in "honor" of National Honesty Day, here is a list of the Top 10 Lies that both Men and Women tell. 


Top 10 Lies MEN tell

1. “I don’t have a girlfriend/wife.” Humm, sure.  And that tan line on your ring finger is just a dirt spot. 

2. “I’m not drunk.” Ha, I'm not drunk - but I can't walk straight and I don't know my full name.  But no, you aren't drunk...  It's really ok to admit that you are drunk.

3. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” Translation: “I’m not looking for a relationship with YOU right now.” That’s OK. We’re on to the next one.  Oh yeah.   Just be honest douchebag.  I also like the, "I'm just looking for sex" after looking at my picture - just tell me you aren't attracted to me.

4. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Suck it up dude, you are already talking about it.  Lets just finish this conversation and get it over with.

5. “I’m not interested in you just for the sex.”  See, #3.  So you don't want to go out to dinner, but you are not just interested in me for sex?  Humm....

6. “I always wear a condom.” Never, never, ever, ever trust a man who uses the word "always"  Wrap it up until you prove to me (via doctor's note) that you are disease free!

7. “I’m leaving her for you.” Bullshit, he will NEVER leave you for her.  So, if you want to be the other woman, just keep on fucking him.

8. “I’ll call you.” I believe it when I "hear" the phone ring.

9. “I don’t think she’s that pretty.” Keep on lying like this - tell me she's ugly!  Make me feel good.

10. “I don’t watch porn.” Nope and neither do I.


Top 10 Lies WOMEN tell

1. ”I’ve slept with [X] guys.” You know that double standard, guys can sleep with everyone (and everything they want) and yet girls get judged for sleeping with more than one man - suck it up guys...  girls like sex too. 

2. “That was great.” Yeah, sex is great... most of the time.  A woman's body is damn complicated, and not every time can be amazing.  But we know better than to tell guys that ever time wasn't stellar - we can't hurt your delicate ego guys.

3. ”I have never nor would I ever cheat on you.” Humm, lying happens.  Cheating happens.  Don't promise something you can't do.

4. “I weight [X].” Weight means so very little (coming from a fat girl!)  You can look good and yet the numbers on the scale make you "look" fat.  Don't be so obsessed with numbers.

5. “Sure, you can call me.” and sure, I reserve the right to NOT pick up.

6. “I’ll be ready in a minute.”   If a minute means more like an hour.  Hey you want us to look good, looking good takes time.  Suck it up boys.

7. “I don’t know.” Sometimes we don't want to tell you what we know. 

8. “That was delicious!” Hey, we are good with giving compliments - even if you don't deserve them.  Keep cooking - it saves us time.

9. “I’m fine.” I use this one all the time.  I'm fine, which means I don't want to talk about it.
10. “It was on sale.” It wasn’t. Deal with it.


Grandma's LOVE the Kardashian sex tape.

I love old people, and I love hilarious old people.  And these Grandma types are awesome.  Check out this video as the women watch the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape for the first time.

This video is 100% clean (amazing for me!) and they've bleeped all the "bad" words out so it's even safe for work!


Friday, April 27, 2012

Massage Van

I'm a huge fan of food trucks.  I love the idea that good food can be mobile and come to you.  It's great.  I think it's also a good idea as people branch out the truck trend and start to bring mobile services to us. 

But I think I'm going to have to draw the line here.  To convert a "rape van" into a portable massage van just seems like a recipe for disaster. 

But hey, $40 for a massage is not a bad deal.  If they come by my office I might have to seriously think about it.

Ooops. Man spies his wife in online porn

A man in Egypt was surfing the internet for porn - normal enough.  But as he was perusing the available "films" he noticed that the woman in the porn was his wife.  Yes, his wife.  And not just one video - the man found her in ELEVEN films. 

According to eyewitness reports, this man was looking at porn for the first time (bullshit) and when he noticed his wife he collapsed to the floor in shock at the Internet cafe where he was looking at said porn.  First, of course this wasn't the guys first time looking at porn and seriously what the hell was he doing looking at porn at an internet cafe!

The man - of course - confronted his wife.  She totally denied the existence of such porn.  But when shown the video (stupid bitch!) she had to admit defeat. 
Confessing to the sex tape, his wife said that her partner was an old boyfriend and she never actually loved the husband (with whom she'd been married for 16 years and had four children). 

Moral of the story, if you want to do porn, knock yourself out.  Just don't keep it a secret - someone is bound to find your scenes someday and it's an ugly confrontation that you just don't need to have.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Craig's List Ad of the Day - Thumb Fetish?

Eating lunch and browsing Craigs List - it's one of my favorite past times.  I have a definite pattern - I look at the pets section first (not that I need another dog - but always good to look), then if I have time I move on over to the Men for Women section.  I'm really looking for "normal" guys that might want to chat, but I always tend to find the crazy. 

Today's.... a man who has a SERIOUS thumb fetish,  Yes, thumbs.  Now, I have to hope that this guy is just posting this to get a rise out of people (I may have done that myself before...) but you never know.  So I present, Thumb Boy...









Friday, April 20, 2012

Quick AND easy abs

Hint guys.... Girls love built guys.  But I know, it's a lot of work. 

I'm here to provide you a quick and easy short cut. Check out the ABhancer.  You can get a 6 pack in SECONDS.  Just wrap the ABhancer around your stomach and poof... in seconds you have a great 6 pack!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Alcohol and IQ. Booze actually makes men starter - no shit!

Earlier this week I posted about drinks that men should never order.  But I never thought I would say that you should actually drink!  I've never been a huge proponent of drinking.  Sure it helps you escape - but it's only temporary and the next day you feel like shit (or at least I do)....

But shit, a new study from the University of Illinois at Chicago psychologists found that alcohol actually makes people smarter.  Yeah, believe it or not - booze actually boosts people creative problem-solving skills. 

40 young men were tested.  20 were required to stay sober (yeah, those unlucky bastards!) and 20 were "required" to drink until their blood alcohol level was 0.07 - 0.01 short of what most states consider intoxicated.  The drunk guys solved 40% more of the brainteasers given -- and in a faster time than the sober men.  (Granted, the sober guys might just have been pissed they weren't supposed to drink!)

So, do you need to do some problem solving - drink up bitches!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Just in case you think you made a bad decision....

You are nothing like this guy...  He made the brilliant idea to get his balls tattooed.  And let his friends video it.  Ouch!

http://gawker.com/5903159/if-youve-ever-wanted-to-watch-a-video-of-a-guy-getting-his-balls-tattooed-nows-your-chance

Ohh, and just in case you think this is a one time occurance.... umm, it's not.  Here's another.

Tetris Dating Rules

If you are anything like me you loved Tetris growing up (and still do!)  There is something mesmerizing, time consuming and mindless about those 4 blocks in different formations falling down your screen and landing in perfect unison.  But did you know that you were learning about dating as you played those blocks?  neither did I.  So imagine my surprise when I saw an article on the Frisky about 13 Dating Rules that we learned from playing tetris (and no, I don't just "come across" these articles, I look for them...)

1. Focus is key. If you really want to play, you can’t let anything distract you. Not the crazy guy on the train, not the music of the person sitting next to you, and not the few bumps on the route that might jostle your game hand.
You have to focus on both the game and a relationship to make it work.  Lose focus for a minute and boom you have blocks everywhere and men falling left and right.  Even worse the further you get into it, a slip of focus can cost exponential more. 


2. Be careful what you do with squares, because squares lack the flexibility of other shapes. They go down, but not left or right. You might want to avoid them at all cost, actually.
Ahh, squares.  I don't like them.  In fact, when I can I put them in the "hold" box (if you lovely version of Tetris allows such) and then use them when I absolutely have to.  Human squares are just as boring, they don't bend, change or fill in any gaps in  your life.  They are just there.  And who wants someone who is just there.

3.If you wait to put the long rod in the hole, it’s much more satisfying.
Umm, need I say more?  And I'm not talking tetris here.

4.One major error can throw your whole game.
Like #1, lose  your focus and place the wrong box in the wrong place and you might have one big empty space, and empty space is not good.  Watch out for those errors, one can throw the whole relationship/game off.

5.Sometimes it’s in your best interest to kill a game when it’s getting bad.
There is a reset or quit button on Tetris, not so much in life.  But there is one thing that you can do in life.  It's called breaking up.  If it's bad, really bad.  Just push the power button and start over with a new one.

6.Sometimes your lines can be stacking up and you think it’s over, and then you get the piece you need and everything turns around.
Stress and life can get in the way of dating ... But sometimes when you least expect it (and i hate that term!) down falls the person  you are looking at.  It's like the perfect blocks just fitting into place.

7.The more you play, the better you are at intuiting where pieces fit best.
Ahh, the more frogs you kiss, the more likely you are to find your prince... Right?  So keep playing and eventually you will find the right fit

8.A solid foundation sets you up for a winning game and the best way to set up that foundation is practice, practice, practice.
Blah, blah.  We all know that a solid foundation in a relationship helps make it work.  Probably not great if you put your pieces willy-nilly and just hope it works out.

9.Even if you have an almost clear board and think you’re winning, the moment you get overconfident and slack off, everything can go to shit.
Overconfidence is always bad.  Just when you think you have it (and I'm talking LIFE) under control something blows up in your face and shit... it's all over.

10.Experiment! Sometimes different shapes make surprisingly good combinations. And just when you least expect it, you might find a combo that creates a new window of opportunity.
No one said you have to settle on the first block you see. 

11.Don’t worry about the final tally of lines or scores — just focus at the line in front of you.
Scoring is great.  But it's not the ultimate goal.  Focus on what's at hand and try not to plan for the future.

12.Remember, this is a game. It’s supposed to be challenging, but also fun! If it’s not fun, don’t bother playing.
Dating should be fun, right?

13.If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the game you’re playing, it might be time to take a break and try something else. Like solitaire.
If dating sucks, it might just be some time to take care of yourself...

Hire me! You won't regret it! Sexy Stories written just for you!

So some of you must have read the post I did a couple of days ago about Girlfriendhire.  I was trying to figure out what I should do on the website.  Well, hot damn... last night as I was trying to fall asleep it came to me! 

Check out my posting... http://www.girlfriendhire.com/fake-girlfriend-bizarre-fling-five-dollars/303/write-a-sexy-story-starring-YOU!

Just for you, I will write a very sexy story (think Penthouse letters!) starring you.  All you have to do is give me a general theme and I will get it to you in a couple of days.  Hot I know.

And because you are my loyal fans, the blow is a full example!

The weekends had been long and lonely lately. Busty Blond Bombshell (BBB) was having a bit of a dry spell. This, however normal for many, was quite unusual for our Bombshell. She had let laundry get the best of her and had spent the better part of this weekend washing and folding clothes.


Now, late Sunday night she looked over the piles of folded clothes, the faint smell of laundry detergent and fabric softener lingering in the air and the emotions ran high. Only female clothes filled her piles on the floor, neat little piles of her 36DD bras, skirts and dresses, and tight little tanks for under everything. Oh how she wished for boxers and the starchy men's dress shirts to be mixed into her piles. But alas, she could only fantasize as it had been ages since she had been with a man.

As she stared aimlessly at the piles, her mind began to wonder....
......
Bombshell emptied the full dryer, removing the contents - both her and her lovers clothes intertwined like the had been only hours ago. She reached in, removing his favorite t-shirt, worn thin by repeated use and held it up to her nose, taking in the smells - not only the smells of laundry detergent and fresh dryer sheets, but that faint smell of him that was deeply ingrained into the fabric of his t-shirt. Ahh, how she loved the way he smelled. She could be doing the most mundane task around the house, even at the office, and somewhere, somehow a whiff of his scent would come across her nose and she would instantly feel the electric between her legs. A buzzing and a need that could only be filled by him.


As her face was deeply buried in his favorite t-shirt, he came up behind her and surprised our Bombshell. Not only was he there, but he was also feeling the electric buzz. He came up behind her, pressing his long hard rod into her back. Ahh, how she loved that they were so in sync with their love making - he wanted her as much as she wanted him - and as often!

Without a word, her lover, lifted her flimsy summer dress that she wore doing simple housework and softly touched her pussy though the underwear. She let out a sigh and he felt the damp moistness already through her underwear. Quickly, with one hand, he pulled the underwear down and fully grabbed her entirely with one hand as to claim her womanhood as his own. She was dripping wet. He softly touched her, but she pushed against his hand urgently.


Bombshell grunted when he took his hand away, but for only seconds was she unguarded. Still with her back to him. His hard cock entered her hard and fast. One quick thrust entering her deep and sending shockwaves through her body. She gasped and pushed against him hard, driving him into her deeper. He continued to thrust, each thrust getting deeper and deeper until she felt he was impaling her with his amazing cock. Her knees gave out, but he caught her.


He spun her around, and lifted her on top of the dryer and thrust back into her. Sweet vibrations of the dryer seemed to come from everywhere. The little bit of heat and the vibrations drove her wild.

Please retweet, facebook share... I don't care!  I'd love to start writing stories for you AND your friends.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Drinks a man should never order ...

Someone famous once said, "Thou shall not pass judgement"  Now, I don't know who that person was, but they obviously lived somewhere besides here... Because judgement runs rampant in these parts.  And boys, we judge the hell out of you.  So, you should keep watch, and basically if you want to get laid, pay attention... There are some drinks you should NEVER order.

No.8 A drink with a name you can't pronounce
These days there are pages upon pages written in bar drink manuals of all sorts of alocholic combinations.  We get that you want to be adventurous and try new things.  In fact - even try to impress the people you are with by your vast knowledge of alochol.  But if you can't pronounce the name of the drink correctly, don't order it.  Someone in your party - or god forbid the bartender - is going to know how to pronounce it correctly and instead of looking like the intelligent drinker, you are just going to look like a pretentious idiot who doesn't know shit.  And really, do you want to look like that?  My guess is no.
No.7 Malibu and Diet CokeNow, I like me some Malibu rum.  Askmen doesn't approve.  They think that Malibu is a horrible beverage.  Diet Coke is great ... for women.  You combine Malibu and Diet Coke and it's the ultimate men's emasculation tool.  Sorry guys.  If you really want the taste -- go for the standard rum and coke. 

No.6 Fuzzy Naval
Remember back in high school when you broke into your parent's liquor cabinet and went crazy on Schnapps?  Yeah, it was great huh?  But once you can buy your own liquor, you should really chose something that is actually worth the price.  Don't go for the wimpy alochol. 

No.5 Non-martini "tini"
Ever heard of the appletini or the cosmo?  Of course you have.  Have you heard a man ordering these?  It's highly unlikely because they are serious girl drinks.  Don't get me wrong - I love me some fancy martinis.  But they are so girly.  If you boys insist on ordering a martini - go for the classic vodka or gin martini.


No.4 "What she's having"Haven't we already discussed this?  Women's drinks aren't for men.  So ordering the same thing as your date is a definite no-no.  OK, wait, boys, I will give you permission on ONE thing, if your woman orders something like a Scotch on the rocks you are good to go.  But that's not exactly the most common girl drink - so err on the side of caution.

No.3 Whatever you want
Ok, fine.  You are a man, order what the hell you want.  If you look like a sissy you deal with it. 

No.2 Sex on the Beach
Sex on the Beach is great if you are actually having sex on the beach.  But drinking it?  Yeah, not so great - even for girls.  Many of us ordered it early on because it sounded so risque.  But it's not risque at all.  It's just a sissy drink for sissy girls.  (and I'm totally ok with being a sissy girl!)

No.1 Alcopop
A new term for me.... alocopop is the bottled malt beverages.   While it's very great to come home at night - pop the top on an alocholic soda - going out and ordering such a beverage is just silly.  Not only are you paying a HUGE markup, you are missing out on all the stuff that's out there.  Mixology is all the rage these days and paying nearly the same price you can have some great drink. 

Things about condoms you didn't know...

You know that condom in your wallet... the one that is practically antique because it's been there so long?  Turns out that condom isn't the only antique out there.  Condoms have been around forever. 

Askmen published this list of things you don't know about condoms.  And as I'm such a fan of these little rubber tubes I had to share!

1. Condoms have appeared in cave paintings
Condoms actually appeared in cave paintings estimated to be 15,000 years old.  Believe it or not, some woman wrote a book about condoms - Jeannette Parisot wrote "Johnny Come Lately: A Short History of the Condom"  But Parisot claims she cannot truly declare the use of the condom - it could be used as some sort of ritual, a form of birth control, or as protection against an STD.  Stone age Transmitted Disorders!

2- Condoms used to be available only by prescription
Ugh, yeah.  You had to go to the Pharmacy to get condoms - actually asking for them behind the counter. And this is not the silly new trend to keep condoms locked up in pharmacies, that's just BS.   But only if you were a man -- men could pick up condoms to protect themselves against diseases from prostitutes - but god forbid you are a woman.  Women could never get condoms to protect themselves from pregnancy or diseases themselves. 

3.  The Oldest Rubber Condoms date back to 1855
Condoms date back to the 17th century!  In an 1824 text a "state of the art" recipe for condoms showed an "easy" dozen time-consuming steps involved in making protection from a sheep's "intestina caeca"  And because of that, they were often considered reusable.  Not sure if someone rinsed it out for reuse or what?!? Condom fragments made from the guts of animals were found during the evacuations of Dudley Castle in West Midlands England.   Imagine putting "guts" on your junk.  Yumm.  But the guts weren't used forever. 

4.  Condoms weren't always given to soldiers
Our military gives us our freedoms, but these men traveling all over the world have one thing at their finger tips - pussy.  And STD's are all over the world...  During WWI, the American Social Hygiene Association actually discouraged the use of condoms.  They thought that those foolish enough to have sex deserved anything they got.  And thank you to Franklin Delano Roosevelt - the Assistant Secretary of the Navy at the time was one of the biggest proponents.  Thanks buddy.  By WWII the ideas about condoms were quite different.  Instead of denying these men protection - they were encouraged with films declaring, "Don't forget -- put it on before you put it in"

5- Condoms have been sold in vending machines since 1928
Those condom machines that have become ubiquitous in men's bathrooms celebrated their 80th anniversary in 2008.  Congrats!  The first machines were made by Germany-based Fromm's.   But these condoms machines have been extremely controversial especially those that appeared in high schools.  Many people believed that the availability of condoms would promote sex.  Umm, yeah...  kids are always going to want sex... giving them condoms only protects them - rather than promote sex.

6 - Invisible Condoms might be next!
Maybe not invisible - but a gel that hardens according to increased temperatures.  We shall see... but my guess is that men will still bitch about not feeling in those too. 


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Eyes in the back of your... butt?

This girl has a "great" tattoo - or I guess you could call them two tattoos.  Apparently she wanted people to think that she was always watching....

For my small booby friends!

You've heard me in the past talk in earnest about my big boobs - and often about others big boobs as well.  But hey, I'm an equal opportunity type girl and I had to give a shout out to my small boob sisters (and this is way overdue) 

Again, from the Frisky, here is a list of 10 reasons to LOVE small boobs.  My comments (and jealousies in italic)

1. They are cute. They just are. They look friendly and happy and sweet.
Heck yeah, those little round perky boobs are great!


2. You can wear something really low-cut. I don’t dare, because I am scared of things no one should be scared of and also freakishly modest. But in theory, you can. And you probably should, if you have small boobs. Just to do it.
Us big boob girls can barely wear a simple tank top or v-neck shirt without being indecent.  I would love to wear a cute very low cut shirt/dress/anything without feeling like I'm putting myself on display!

3. You don’t look “slutty,” necessarily. Sluttiness is a dumb concept. No one should be thought slutty at all, because it’s just dumb. And certainly no one should be thought slutty based on the basic shape of her body. But it happens. When my large-breasted friends walk down the street in a parka and plaid overalls and clumpy work boots, they get uninvited attention of a sexual nature, because of their breasts. I know, because all of my large-breasted friends wear that outfit, all the time. But to my point: I wear that same thing, and I get no attention at all. Which is nice. And then I wear a scandalously sexy, skin-tight outfit, and I also get no attention! I’m kidding. What I mean to say is, people say, “Oh, that looks nice! You’re so elegant.”
Yup, big boobs have a negative connotation - especially because of all those stripper types going crazy with the implants.  Big boobs often make you look like you are asking for it, and you are just trying to carry these huge ass bags without harming someone.

4. You can look elegant pretty easily. See above.
Fine line between elegant and sleezy.  Lots of cleavage = sleezy.

5. The nipples are showcased. And nipples are interesting. I don’t want to say much more about nipples, because it makes me feel awkward and inappropriate. But I think they’re pretty. OK, that’s it.
I knew someone else felt that way.  There are some serious wrong proportions going on when you have huge ass boobs and teeny nipples.  It just looks weird, so for those girls with small boobs they can pull off the nipples, and they actually look like they belong


6. You can sometimes go braless. I went through a phase, last summer, where I did this, and it was incredibly fun and exhilarating. I felt free. I felt daring. I felt like yelling, “Hello, New York City! I’m not wearing a bra!!” But I didn’t, and then I felt like it was this sexy secret that everyone was probably whispering about. They definitely weren’t, but I talked about how empowered I was with my friends, a lot, and that was nice. After wearing a bra for approximately half my life, it was shocking to realize that actually, it was sort of optional. And then I got stuck in this freezing cold restaurant at a party for like four hours, and carried on a lot of charming little conversations with my arms crossed over my chest. So I’m not ready to give up on bras completely. But I still stand by my right to occasionally go boldly without.
Ahh, braless!  That would be so nice.  But not gonna happen for us big boobs... You know that pencil test?  Yeah - I FAIL that sucker - probably I could keep a dozen of so up there. 

7. You can wear a strapless dress without it being a big deal. I will do this, after I stop being really scared of what will happen if I lift my arms up. Which I need to do all the time– as we all do. My wedding gown was strapless. But that was more because all wedding gowns are strapless, and I had no choice. Still, it was empowering. I know I can do it again, some day, if I keep my arms down.
I can't say I'm a huge fan of the strapless -- mostly because usually they really "show off" the boobs - again, you look like you have a big shelf.

8. You can do yoga without even noticing them. I like not having to think about my breasts when they’re not playing an important role in whatever’s going on. Like if I’m jogging (which I almost never am, but it’s happened once or twice). Or if I’m playing a sport (ping pong), or if I need to be upside down at any point.
Like any stretching or moving - these things get in the way! 
9. They don’t sag. I kinda don’t want to brag about the whole “they don’t sag!” thing, because it sounds more like an insult to big breasts and older women than a compliment to smaller ones and younger women. I’m also not sure I want to unquestioningly support firm perkiness. Last time I checked, breasts were made out of fat, and fat is squishy. And while I do have one friend with mysteriously perky natural boobs, and they are indeed spectacular, they are also the exception. And softness is really nice. Sagginess probably just means you’re older than 35, and some day I too hope to be older than 35. So instead of all that– how about #9 is “They feel good.” People don’t spend enough time talking about how nice small breasts feel. Sometimes I catch myself just feelin’ mine up. It’s sort of comforting. That is maybe the weirdest thing I’ve admitted to on the internet. They fit nicely in the hands. They are like little pillows of happiness.
Sagging.  You can be a young woman (under 30) and these big fun bags still sag.  It doesn't seem to matter how well you take care of them - good bras and sports bras working out - they still end up sagging.  God knows what mine are going to look like in another 30 years.

10. Not to be sappy, but they do the really important stuff. They feel good when they’re played with. They have the ability to provide milk for a baby, which is badass. They’re womanly and pretty. They’re often charming in profile. And even though all of those things are true for big boobs, too, small boobs do it with their own special style. They do it while being awesome for all of the other nine reasons. They might be in a strapless dress while doing it. You never know. Small boobs are full of surprises.
All boobs do great things! 


Friday, April 13, 2012

Busty Girl Problems

So, this afternoon I clicked on a link that a friend put on her facebook page - 10 Pugs that look like other things...  basically, it's Friday afternoon and I needed a pick me up.  But low and behold, at the bottom of the page was another link to a page called, "12 Problems That Only Busty Girls Have"  You know I had to click. 

Imagine my surprise, and delight when I not only found a list, but awesome illustrations from a woman named Paige Hasley Warren that keeps a website called "Busty Girl Comics."  I just had to copy and paste these comics here because I seriously got a kick out of them, and they are SO damn true!.

1.  The Surprise Stain
So damn true, I lovingly refer to this as my "shelf."  I can't get through a single meal, snack or anything without ending up with food falling on my shelf, or god forbid, down the cleavage.  In the evening, when I take my bra and shirt off there is no saying what I might find - crumbs, leaves, a small child....

2. The Counter Dilemma
Yup, there you are, sitting at a counter or a bar and it cuts  you off RIGHT in the middle of your boobs.  If you sit there your boobs flush with the counter you feel like you are too far away, but rest them on the counter and you look like a hoe (granted, it does lighten the load - these things are HEAVY)

3. Airplane Turbulence
Turbulence of any kind sends these fun bags a rocking.  Basically, you feel like you have two rattles on your chest that have a mind of their own.

4. Motorboarding Proposition
I've covered this one before.  You have boobs that hang out there and people (men and women alike) can't help but ask you about motorboating...

5.  The Built in Bra Issue

Now guys might not understand this, but many women's tank tops have this * great * invention called a built in bra.  Basically for smaller chested women they can forgo the actual bra and just go with what is built into the garment.  If you are top heavy, these built in bras are a serious joke.  Not only will they only provide you such little support that it's practically indecent, even when wearing a regular bra underneath the built in bra can't hold you in.  You end up with so much cleavage you should practically be on the pole.  And my big chested sisters out there understand how difficult it is to find a camisole or tank top without a built in bra so you can wear it like a regular women - you see how this shit bugs me?

6. The Shoulder Strap Attack

Shoulder straps - both purse and seat belts - are basically the enemy of those big chested girls.  The strap won't just set on top of your boobs, instead it has to sit RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, making it not only uncomfortable but giving major attention to your boobs

7.  The Dish washing Dilemma
Just like on the counter, these big boobs get in the way of things in front of you.  While washing dishes, bending over the sink your boobies stick out and sticking out means they are going to get dishwater wet. 

8. Ye Old "boob Spillage"

Again, these boobs stick out a long ways.  And it doesn't seem like many of us have a total awareness of where they are at all times.  Mostly because we are probably trying to forget about them.  But these boobs can knock all kinds of things over - most dangerous is at the dinner table when glasses of liquids stand in easy reach. 

9.  Simply Folding Your Arms

Just try folding your arms in front of you - where do your arms lay?  Right in the MIDDLE of your chest, right.  If you are boobalicious, it's awkward to rest your arms in the middle of your chest.  So above them looks silly - like you are using them to hold up your arms, crossing underneath shows them off so you are left with not crossing them at all - probably your best bet.

10.  Ruffles!

Ruffles are Retarded.  At least for us full boob babes.  Want more attention drawn to your big chest - wear these ever popular ruffles, want to hide them, avoid ruffles at all costs.  Most men question why the hell we would want to hide big boobs - hey guys, not all of us want to be seen for our boobs first - everything else second.

11. Stairs

Bounce, Bounce, Bounce.  We talked about turbulence.  Imagine if you are making your own turbulence.  As you walk down the stairs your boobs bounce in unison and if they are that big they just keep bouncing after the initial jolt (think a rock thrown in the water with decreasing concentric circles).  So what do you do?  You walk down making your own bra support with your hands - that just looks as silly

My favorite boy band member is.... gay?!?

I'm a child of the 80's, as such I grew up in the era of the big boy bands.  Think New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys, and 'NSync.  I have to say that I was much more of a fan of the New Kids and 'NSync.  And much like every other tween and teenage girl I had my favorite boy bander. 

At the onset of elementary school I was seriously into the New Kids.  Of course, so was every other little girl at our school.  In fact, my very first concert was Tiffani and the New Kids at the Ionia Free Fair (think 4-H or County Fair - not exactly a huge venue!).  And like many of the other girls we supported our favorite boy bander with buttons.  And these weren't just any buttons, they were the BIG buttons that were the size of dinner plates.  Girls wore these buttons as a badge of honor and I'm sure mothers everywhere HATED them because they had to just put massive holes in our shirts.

Most girls loved the young, cute, lead "singer" of the groups.  Think Justin Timberlake or Joey McIntyre.  Some of the more bad ass (as bad ass as you can be in elementary school and middle school)  girls liked the bad boys in the group (think Donnie or Joey Fatone).  But, I wasn't either of them.  me, I liked the quiet one, the guy that even in this very popular group seemed to be the underdog.  Me, I loved the Lance Bass and the Jonathan McKnight type.
Fast forward to adult-hood, both these and mine.  We began to hear more and more about these boy banders growing up.  First, Lance Bass comes out of the closet.  Great, good for him.  I'm extremely supportive of people accepting who they truly are.  Next, Jonathan McKnight comes out.  Good for him, I hope he finds the love of his life and is happy forever.

But, shit... what does that say about me?  I was really into TWO boy bands, and I'm two for two on picking the ONE gay boy to worship. And god forbid I go into my love of the one and only Ricky Martin.  again gay.

Apparently I not only like to go for the celebrity crushes that are unlikely to happen, I go for the ones that will NEVER happen because these boys don't even like my girlie parts.  

I think I need to start getting into hard rock or something, maybe rap... where I can fall in love with those who aren't gay.  Then again, you never know about those rockers - they do like makeup and skin tight pants... and don't even get me going on the how "down low" thing.

Maybe I should just stick to reality and stay away from my celebrity crushes, apparently my gaydar is just very off.

** And I will note, in NO WAY do I not support homosexuality, I'm just more alarmed at myself for always falling for the gay ones **

Thursday, April 12, 2012

What did you just say??? Wierd Things said during sex

Ahh, sex.  It's such a wonderful thing.  There are some people who like the silent act of sex (great for those who have roommates or paper thin apartment walls), there are others who scream like banshees, and yet others who just blurt whatever comes to their mind.

Sex is not exactly a place where you often find people censoring themselves.  But according to Sara Barron on the frisky.com the following are the strangest things said to her during sex, can  you top it?  As always, her words followed by my own thoughts in Italic.

1. "Weeee!" I knew a man who said “Weee!” every time he ejaculated. Lest you need assistance in picturing exactly what this would have sounded like, imagine a toddler flying down a slide. Imagine his mommy waiting for him at the bottom, encouraging his fun with a loud and hearty “WEEEE!” That, my friend, is exactly what it sounded like. 

Humm, "Weeee!"  sounds like that man had some serious mommy issues and apparently reverted back to childhood with every orgasm.  Personally, I'm not sure I could take him seriously after such childlike glee. 




2. “Ay mate: why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” So, I was dating, briefly, an Australian I’d met at a bar. He was winning and adorable in all the ways you’d want an Australian to be winning and adorable. However, this one night we went drinking, and he got drunker than I’d ever seen him, and then – once unclothed and back at my apartment – he asked the aforementioned question: “Ay mate: Why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” Suffice it to say, his use of the verb “rip” did not help his cause. I told him “no” and it ended just days later.


First off, any man who talks like a pirate in bed (when you aren't roll playing ol' Jack Sparrow - yeah, I've never seen the movie, but I know Johnny Depp does it for a whole lot of girls)... Anyway, any man that talks like a pirate in bed probably should be shot.  And if ANY man ever uses the term "rip" when talking about sex, he's not going to go anywhere near my girlie (or "shitty" parts)!


3. “That was fucking. Now let’s make love.” I had an old friend I’d met freshman year of college, and years later, at the age of 26, we finally got around to sleeping together. At a certain point during the event, he was hammering away like a jack-rabbit, then suddenly and without warning, he took pause. He stopped. He looked deep into my eyes, took my face in his hands and said, “That was fucking. Now let’s make love,” and at that point, began a slow and dedicated motion to suggest he was trying to reenter the womb.

Lets be fair, there is a serious difference between "fucking" and making love.  Often fucking is just for fun's sake, while making love actually conveys some real emotion (yeah, probably what sex should actually be, but moving on...)  But to switch it up from fucking to making love during one session - that's just a way too big of jump to make. 


4. “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, kiss.” I’d been set up on a date with a friend of a friend who worked as a regional musical theater actor. To break the ice, I’d spent the first half of our date trying to get him to do a dance move for me. “Please!” I’d said. “A high kick! Some jazz hands! Something!” He continuously declined. Until, that is, we got back to my place.  “Hey listen,” he’d said. “I think I’ve come up with what dance move I should do for you.”  And then he went, “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, KISS,” while pas de bourrée-ing toward me. If you’re unfamiliar with the term (pronounced “PA-da bou-RAY”), it’s basically the French version of a triplet: Step back, step side, step front. This anecdote, I’ve filed away under the category of “Careful What You Wish For.”

Yeah, if a guy wants to "give" me a dance move.  I'm not taking it.  Go bark up another tree.

















Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Your vag is NOT a hiding spot

Let me repeat that title, your vagina is not a place to keep things, to hide them from outsiders.  Your vag is a scared place that should be treated as such.  Of course, not everyone feels the same way I do.  On the frisky.com I found an article of 8 special women that hid 8 very weird things in their hoo-hah.  Read on if you dare...

1. Mischelle Lindy Salzeber and her Urine Filled Vodka Bottle
Miss Salzber was on probation and on probation you cannot test positive for drugs.  Well, inventive Miss Salzeber filled a vodka bottle with someone else's urine and such it up her hoohah.  Well, the gig was up when the vodka bottle was discovered during a routine body scan.  But she was f'ed either way.  The urine she "borrowed" tested positive for drugs anyway.  Smart girl.

2. Karin Mackaliunas and her vagina "purse"
Our next brilliant woman award goes to Miss. Karin Mackaliunas for using her vagina as a purse.  During a routine strip search, PA authorities found the following stuffed right up in there: 54 bags of heroin, 31 EMPTY heroin bags, 8 prescription bills AND $51.22 in cash and change (because apparently just $51 wasn't enough!)  I would have to assume this girl is probably the opposite of tight....

3.   The extra eyeball
The ER is full of strange things... didn't you ever watch the tv show?  But Dr. Melissa Barton declares the strangest thing she ever saw was a woman who put her prosthetic eyeball in her vag for "safe keeping"  What was she exactly keeping it safe from?  Apparently the woman was prepping for a fight with her neighbors and said that glass eyes are too expensive and hard to replace.  I wonder if the eye was scared of what it saw up there?

4.  Donny did it.
We all get horny, right?  And phallic shaped objects are great for girls to use to get off.  We also fantasize about "celebrities" during these sessions to increase the pleasure.  But how about combining the two?  A UK woman featured on the show "Bizarre ER" (FYI, love that show, if you don't have a weak stomach and want to see how people are complete idiots, see if you can find it.  Bonus, it usually comes in marathons so you can get grossed out all day!)  Anyway, on the show Doctors "discovered" a rolled-up poster of Donny Osmond shoved inside a woman's vagina.  Really, Donny Osmond?

5.  You'll never know when you'll need a knife!
Florida produces the most bizarre stories... and this one is no different.  Two Florida women get into a fight over prescriptions pills.  Not such a big deal, right?  Well, when police "searched" one of the women they found a knife and a bottle of Rx pills hidden in her belly fat rolls - seriously how BIG was this woman?  To hide just one of those things would be impressive - both... damn near impossible.  But it's not over... the woman had something hidden in her hoohah.  Of course, it was a knife.  A KNIFE?  This woman is seriously insane - she belongs in Florida.

6.Ruxandra Gardian and her cell phone
A Romanian woman, Miss Gardian needed a cell phone - badly!  So she went out and stole one, hiding it for safekeeping in her vag.  ** Then again, maybe she was just HOPING for it to be on vibrate...  But oh, shit, while the authorities were patting her down looking for the stolen cell phone it began to ring - inside of her.  The original owner declined to take it back, so I guess she wasn't totally off base after all!

7.  Ann Marie Hernandez and yet another Vagina Purse
Back again in Florida (see I told you all the crazies are there!)Miss Hernandez went to Home Depot and really filled up her cart.  She made the purchase with a fraudulent credit card, but couldn't let anyone find her with said card, so she shoved it right up there for hiding.  How long was she planning on keeping that up there?

8.  Arlina Romero and her crack pipe
Well, Miss Romero had two strikes against her, so she wanted to reduce her issues.  So, when leaving the flop house she shoved her stolen credit cards in her pocket but shoved her crack pipe right on up her vag.  I guess she figured the credit cards were the lesser of two evils.  Personally, I just hope she let that crack pipe cool down before shoving it up there, because a red hot crack pipe might hurt a wee bit.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The only man allowed to post a running picture

I've always been very critical of men's online personals ad pictures.  (which is probably highly unfair because mine are no better!)

But one of my biggest complaints is men who post picture of them running.  We've all seen so damn many of them.  Dude in his running gear - usually running in some race with his race numbers on his chest.  Dude, we get it, you can run, you are fit. But really?  There is no one who looks good while running.

Open mouth, insert foot.

Here comes Mr. Zettie Little (seriously, Zettie??  What were his parents thinking?  Oh wait, his dad's name is Zettie also - but goes by Jack - go figure).  Anyway, Mr. Little has officially become the ONLY man in the history of the world who can use his running picture for a personals ad (not that he needs it - he's apparently in a "very committed" 5 year relationship - lets see how long that lasts with his fame and women throwing themselves at his feet....) 

So Zettie, this post goes to you, "Ridiculously Photogenic" Running Man.  ** but by the way, he takes a better picture running than some of the others on his facebook page.  Apparently he's just a contradiction in pictures.

** And a serious SORRY goes to the girls B7224 and B7225... sorry your running face is now plastered all over the Internet and you aren't getting any credit.  Better luck on the next 5K. **

Craig's List Slip Up follow up

So, to follow up on my post from earlier today  - my exchange with "Kurt"... so I was intrigued by Kurts response and proceeded to email him throughout the afternoon. 

All is good, until Kurt gives me his number to text him.  So, I picked up my phone - drafted a definitely not safe for work text, and put in his number and poof, sent it off into cyberspace. 

About 5 minutes later I get another email from Kurt.  He wondered why I hadn't texted him yet - umm, WHAT?  I go back to my phone, double check the number I texted to and oh, shit....  I had typed in the wrong number.

So some random person on some random phone got a rather graphic text from some unknown number.  Oops, I guess Kurt and I are "equal". 

Craig's List Slip Up

So, last week I posed on my dear Craig's List bemoaning my experience on eharmony (to date roughly 30 communications send and ZERO responses).  So, I post and get probably 150+ responses since Friday evening.  Apparently I'm not the only one pissed at eharmony's lack of ... well everything.

But today I got an email that seriously takes the cake.

First, one email comes on from Kurt* (names are changed to protect the not so innocent) - very normal CL response giving me his background, his vitals, etc. 

Then, about a minute later, I get another email from Kurt with the subject matter, "period fetish".  Umm, WHAT?

So the email says,

"wm, 30, six feet tall, athletic build, ddf, clean, and can host at my condo in alexandria right off of 395 and king.  I love the smell of a ripe pussy during its period and love how wet everything is down there.  I would love to play today.  can host and am ready now.  Here's a pic.  Hit me back!"
Well, then.  Because I'm me and because I'm just looking for punishment, I had to write Kurt back.  A few emails back and forth and I realize that he had answered another ad, some girl looking for period sex and he had accidental copied my email twice.

Well, Kurt is extremely embarrassed and apologizes up and down.  Me, I think it's hilarious!  Good luck Kurt on finding your period girl and your vampire life!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Need a few extra bucks? Girlfriend for Hire

Hot damn.  I need some extra money flowing in.  And $5 will cover a nice Starbucks Latte!

OK, rewind...  There is a website called girflriendhire.com where girls can post stuff they will do for $5. And it's not all sexual! (believe it or not)...

Right now the top 5 "top rated" offers are the following:

1. "I will explain to you about GirlfriendHire for $5"

2. "I will give you relationship advice for $5"

3. "I will give you thorough awesome and practical fashion advice (from a fashion school grad, no less!) for $5

4. "I will help you with your homework :) for $5"

5.  "I will give you advice on how to please ANY girl in bed for $5"

OR, men can post ideas... right now the most recent 5 are...

1. "Looking for a girl who will argue/break up with me over text message"

2.  Looking for a girl/girls to comment on posts for a website for a week"

3. "Send me a fake message on facebook telling how much fun you had last night

4. "Fix this website so it actually works and accepts payments"

5.  "Do my American history questions from chapter 3, three short answer questions."

OK, I'm in... Who wants to help me figure out something I can do for $5! 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Ladies, your bike might be damaging your hoohah!

Yes, ladies... it's true.  That tingling feeling you feel "down there" when you get off your bike after a long ride isn't a good thing.  Not like this is rocket science, but new research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine states that female cyclists experience less "genital sensation" as compared to female runners.

The study looked at 48 hardcore female bike riders that ride at least 10 miles a week.  They then measured soreness, numbness and the tingling sensation. 

But this tingling and numbness (not exactly great for sex) can be eased or eliminated!  Dr. Schrader - a scientist at the National Institute for Occupation Safety and Health says that using bucycle saddles without noses (that long pointy thing at the front) eliminate problems for those of the male gender, but he hasn't tested it for women (sexist pig!)  But the new study shows that women who position their handlebars lower than the seat experience more pressure in the "soft tissue called the perineum and had decreased sensation in the pelvic floor."  Lower sensation = bad.  The lower the handlebars, the more the woman puts pressure of the perineum. 

So, easy solution - bring up your handlebars, have better sensation in your hoohah.  This is a public service announcement, brought to you by ME!