Grandma's LOVE the Kardashian sex tape.

I love old people, and I love hilarious old people.  And these Grandma types are awesome.  Check out this video as the women watch the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape for the first time.

This video is 100% clean (amazing for me!) and they've bleeped all the "bad" words out so it's even safe for work!

Just in case you think you made a bad decision....

You are nothing like this guy...  He made the brilliant idea to get his balls tattooed.  And let his friends video it.  Ouch!

http://gawker.com/5903159/if-youve-ever-wanted-to-watch-a-video-of-a-guy-getting-his-balls-tattooed-nows-your-chance

Ohh, and just in case you think this is a one time occurance.... umm, it's not.  Here's another.

Things about condoms you didn't know...

You know that condom in your wallet... the one that is practically antique because it's been there so long?  Turns out that condom isn't the only antique out there.  Condoms have been around forever. 

Askmen published this list of things you don't know about condoms.  And as I'm such a fan of these little rubber tubes I had to share!

1. Condoms have appeared in cave paintings
Condoms actually appeared in cave paintings estimated to be 15,000 years old.  Believe it or not, some woman wrote a book about condoms - Jeannette Parisot wrote "Johnny Come Lately: A Short History of the Condom"  But Parisot claims she cannot truly declare the use of the condom - it could be used as some sort of ritual, a form of birth control, or as protection against an STD.  Stone age Transmitted Disorders!

2- Condoms used to be available only by prescription
Ugh, yeah.  You had to go to the Pharmacy to get condoms - actually asking for them behind the counter. And this is not the silly new trend to keep condoms locked up in pharmacies, that's just BS.   But only if you were a man -- men could pick up condoms to protect themselves against diseases from prostitutes - but god forbid you are a woman.  Women could never get condoms to protect themselves from pregnancy or diseases themselves. 

3.  The Oldest Rubber Condoms date back to 1855
Condoms date back to the 17th century!  In an 1824 text a "state of the art" recipe for condoms showed an "easy" dozen time-consuming steps involved in making protection from a sheep's "intestina caeca"  And because of that, they were often considered reusable.  Not sure if someone rinsed it out for reuse or what?!? Condom fragments made from the guts of animals were found during the evacuations of Dudley Castle in West Midlands England.   Imagine putting "guts" on your junk.  Yumm.  But the guts weren't used forever. 

4.  Condoms weren't always given to soldiers
Our military gives us our freedoms, but these men traveling all over the world have one thing at their finger tips - pussy.  And STD's are all over the world...  During WWI, the American Social Hygiene Association actually discouraged the use of condoms.  They thought that those foolish enough to have sex deserved anything they got.  And thank you to Franklin Delano Roosevelt - the Assistant Secretary of the Navy at the time was one of the biggest proponents.  Thanks buddy.  By WWII the ideas about condoms were quite different.  Instead of denying these men protection - they were encouraged with films declaring, "Don't forget -- put it on before you put it in"

5- Condoms have been sold in vending machines since 1928
Those condom machines that have become ubiquitous in men's bathrooms celebrated their 80th anniversary in 2008.  Congrats!  The first machines were made by Germany-based Fromm's.   But these condoms machines have been extremely controversial especially those that appeared in high schools.  Many people believed that the availability of condoms would promote sex.  Umm, yeah...  kids are always going to want sex... giving them condoms only protects them - rather than promote sex.

6 - Invisible Condoms might be next!
Maybe not invisible - but a gel that hardens according to increased temperatures.  We shall see... but my guess is that men will still bitch about not feeling in those too. 

For my small booby friends!

You've heard me in the past talk in earnest about my big boobs - and often about others big boobs as well.  But hey, I'm an equal opportunity type girl and I had to give a shout out to my small boob sisters (and this is way overdue) 

Again, from the Frisky, here is a list of 10 reasons to LOVE small boobs.  My comments (and jealousies in italic)

1. They are cute. They just are. They look friendly and happy and sweet.
Heck yeah, those little round perky boobs are great!


2. You can wear something really low-cut. I don’t dare, because I am scared of things no one should be scared of and also freakishly modest. But in theory, you can. And you probably should, if you have small boobs. Just to do it.
Us big boob girls can barely wear a simple tank top or v-neck shirt without being indecent.  I would love to wear a cute very low cut shirt/dress/anything without feeling like I'm putting myself on display!

3. You don’t look “slutty,” necessarily. Sluttiness is a dumb concept. No one should be thought slutty at all, because it’s just dumb. And certainly no one should be thought slutty based on the basic shape of her body. But it happens. When my large-breasted friends walk down the street in a parka and plaid overalls and clumpy work boots, they get uninvited attention of a sexual nature, because of their breasts. I know, because all of my large-breasted friends wear that outfit, all the time. But to my point: I wear that same thing, and I get no attention at all. Which is nice. And then I wear a scandalously sexy, skin-tight outfit, and I also get no attention! I’m kidding. What I mean to say is, people say, “Oh, that looks nice! You’re so elegant.”
Yup, big boobs have a negative connotation - especially because of all those stripper types going crazy with the implants.  Big boobs often make you look like you are asking for it, and you are just trying to carry these huge ass bags without harming someone.

4. You can look elegant pretty easily. See above.
Fine line between elegant and sleezy.  Lots of cleavage = sleezy.

5. The nipples are showcased. And nipples are interesting. I don’t want to say much more about nipples, because it makes me feel awkward and inappropriate. But I think they’re pretty. OK, that’s it.
I knew someone else felt that way.  There are some serious wrong proportions going on when you have huge ass boobs and teeny nipples.  It just looks weird, so for those girls with small boobs they can pull off the nipples, and they actually look like they belong


6. You can sometimes go braless. I went through a phase, last summer, where I did this, and it was incredibly fun and exhilarating. I felt free. I felt daring. I felt like yelling, “Hello, New York City! I’m not wearing a bra!!” But I didn’t, and then I felt like it was this sexy secret that everyone was probably whispering about. They definitely weren’t, but I talked about how empowered I was with my friends, a lot, and that was nice. After wearing a bra for approximately half my life, it was shocking to realize that actually, it was sort of optional. And then I got stuck in this freezing cold restaurant at a party for like four hours, and carried on a lot of charming little conversations with my arms crossed over my chest. So I’m not ready to give up on bras completely. But I still stand by my right to occasionally go boldly without.
Ahh, braless!  That would be so nice.  But not gonna happen for us big boobs... You know that pencil test?  Yeah - I FAIL that sucker - probably I could keep a dozen of so up there. 

7. You can wear a strapless dress without it being a big deal. I will do this, after I stop being really scared of what will happen if I lift my arms up. Which I need to do all the time– as we all do. My wedding gown was strapless. But that was more because all wedding gowns are strapless, and I had no choice. Still, it was empowering. I know I can do it again, some day, if I keep my arms down.
I can't say I'm a huge fan of the strapless -- mostly because usually they really "show off" the boobs - again, you look like you have a big shelf.

8. You can do yoga without even noticing them. I like not having to think about my breasts when they’re not playing an important role in whatever’s going on. Like if I’m jogging (which I almost never am, but it’s happened once or twice). Or if I’m playing a sport (ping pong), or if I need to be upside down at any point.
Like any stretching or moving - these things get in the way! 

9. They don’t sag. I kinda don’t want to brag about the whole “they don’t sag!” thing, because it sounds more like an insult to big breasts and older women than a compliment to smaller ones and younger women. I’m also not sure I want to unquestioningly support firm perkiness. Last time I checked, breasts were made out of fat, and fat is squishy. And while I do have one friend with mysteriously perky natural boobs, and they are indeed spectacular, they are also the exception. And softness is really nice. Sagginess probably just means you’re older than 35, and some day I too hope to be older than 35. So instead of all that– how about #9 is “They feel good.” People don’t spend enough time talking about how nice small breasts feel. Sometimes I catch myself just feelin’ mine up. It’s sort of comforting. That is maybe the weirdest thing I’ve admitted to on the internet. They fit nicely in the hands. They are like little pillows of happiness.
Sagging.  You can be a young woman (under 30) and these big fun bags still sag.  It doesn't seem to matter how well you take care of them - good bras and sports bras working out - they still end up sagging.  God knows what mine are going to look like in another 30 years.

10. Not to be sappy, but they do the really important stuff. They feel good when they’re played with. They have the ability to provide milk for a baby, which is badass. They’re womanly and pretty. They’re often charming in profile. And even though all of those things are true for big boobs, too, small boobs do it with their own special style. They do it while being awesome for all of the other nine reasons. They might be in a strapless dress while doing it. You never know. Small boobs are full of surprises.
All boobs do great things! 

False Penile Advertising

Apparently I'm on a 2 post streak of fake manly parts.  But, did you know that men no longer have to stuff socks in their underwear to make them look bigger in the penis/balls department?  No?  Well, they don't!

Thanks to designer Andrew Christian we now have underwear with built in "penis enhancers."  Mr. Christian's new underwear: The Shock Jock Flirt Boxer and Brief feature a soft hidden cup, sculpted into a penis shape.  The "cup" adds about 2 inches to a man's own package and adds to a man's confidence.  Don't take my word for it, Mr. Christian says, "Guys want underwear that looks natural, feels great and makes them feel confident."

For $32.00 you can order the underwear on Mr. Christian's website.  http://www.andrewchristianshop.com/.  But, I would have to say, use them with caution!  If a girl pulls down your pants and sees a "fake penis" you might be just pulling these back on and running right back out the door, possibly with a lot of screaming behind you - and I'm not exactly sure that's what you want.  But hey, whatever floats your boat!

Although, if I do suggest, Mr. Christan has a lovely pair called the Air Jock with Show It Technology.  See front and back views here...  These are always a good option...  Let me know what you think.  Ohh, and yeah, please NEVER buy anything from this man, he scares me!

Truck Balls.

This is not something I see in Washington DC very often... but that I did see in the Midwest very often.  But it's something I really do think is BEYOND obnoxious.  That is what I will refer to as "truck balls."  Now, you know me, and I'm probably the furthered thing from a prude, but damn having fake balls hanging from your truck hitch is just nasty!  Come on - there are kids that can see them and that's just not cool. 

Besides, it's just nasty - and no one really likes balls anyway.

Phallic "uncircumcised" Boots.

Just a quick comment.  I love shoes, boots, anything really that goes on my feet (I even have a love affair with crocs - don't judge me! they are super super comfortable, and every shoe has it's function...)

Anyway, lately, I've seen boots that look like the ones to the left.  Not necessary with the buckles, but the "shaft" that goes down over the foot.  Now, maybe it's just me, but when I see these boots, all I can see in my head is a big ol' uncircumcised dick.  With the little shoe "head" popping out. 

I have no idea how in the hell this is attractive at all.  Just a comment, and a thought.  Back to your regularly scheduled programs.

Whisper Sweet Nothings in bed. Wierd things guys say to girls in bed.

OK, we've all been in bed, and in the heat of the moment we've said or grunted something that just doesn't make sense.  (I've told you before about my little diarrhea of the mouth problem...) 

But, you girls out there... have your been in bed - having sex or just playing around with a man, or your man.  And then he turns to you and says something that you just can't believe.  Thefrisky.com has a list of 20 Weirdest Things Guys have Said to Us in Bed.  What do you think? 

-- “‘I love you.’ (It was a one-night stand.)”  lets just hope he was drunk!  I get a little love drunk when I'm highly intoxicated and would be apt to say I love you to everyone - so I can't say much.  I think that's why I avoid drunk sex like the plague!


-- “I want to lick your armpit.” eewwwww

-- “There was one guy who could not get off without stringing together a bunch of foul words that made no sense as a sentence. For example: ‘F**k whore a**hole bitch f**k c**t p***y s**t!’ So ridiculous.” ha ha ha

-- “One guy begged me to slap his erect penis.” Sounds like someone has a bit of a BDSM complex, and I would run away

-- “You’re the first biological woman I’ve had sex with in a long time ...” umm, what has he been having sex with, blow up dolls? 

-- “My last girlfriend had a bangin’ body.” And what do I have?  Yeah, don't compare me, we already are.  Give a girl a complex and she's going to give you a good bye.

-- “Your ass tastes like butterscotch.” butterscotch? 

-- “I’m sorry, I don’t always cry like this.” A boy cry in bed... yes, I'm not sticking around.

-- “‘Can I cut you?’ My response, ‘AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!’” Can I punch you in the face?

-- “Can I stick it in now?” Can you use a little more romantic language? 

-- “‘I just want to make you come, Jeanine.’ (Not my name.)” Use another person's name in bed, you better hope you have her on speed dial, because I'm not going to call you back.

-- “Did you see ‘Two girls, one cup’?” No, and I don't plan to.

-- “Call me daddy.” Call me, never.

-- “You’re like a man in bed.” no girl wants to be called a man, ever.  Especially in bed.

-- “I wanna shave you first.” Can we shave your back, ass, and the rest of your body hair as well?

-- “You’re not pulling my balls hard enough.” I don't like balls, so if I'm pulling, I"m pulling them off.

-- “Don’t worry, my mom has heard me have sex before.” Umm, thanks.  And no thanks.

-- “If we go back to my place, my roommate will totally join in.” Great, threesome.  But can I see his picture first.  I'm not about to come into this blind.  Yeah, how about not.

-- “I met him on an online dating site. We had only emailed back and forth, but he kept saying, ‘I’m a stranger. You don’t know me, I’m a stranger, you don’t know me. I’m a stranger you don’t know me,’ over and over again.” and I won't be getting to know you thank you very much.

-- “‘Could you wash this?’ (Handing me a used butt plug.)” Used toys are gross, no explanation needed.

For those man haters and dog lovers out there... awesome penis dog toy.

Yes, you read that right...  I was looking through one of my favorite websites tonight - Etsy.com (it's ebay for artisans, where people who make crap can sell it online, it's a GREAT place to get one of a kind gifts, hint, hint for Christmas and such - and if you need me to provide you links to what I want, let me know!).

Anyway, when looking - I can across the following:

awesome penis dog toy with squeaker

Giant fabric penis! Excellent way to get out your dog's frustrations! Squeaker inside!

Stuffed and squeaky and ready for play! Available in a variety of colors and patterns.
One red one left, otherwise lets discuss a colour shall we?   $12.00, Shipping Canada $3.00, everywhere else $4.00

Yes, just in case you feel your dog needs to squeak a rather large sized penis (with balls attached mind you), please spend $14.00 for this one of a kind dog toy.  Don't expect men to like you, nor your dog. 

I would imagine the people buying this toy would be man haters, who don't like the peen.  Now me on the other hand - I like the penis - the balls on the other hand I could do without - but that's a whole other story...  And my dogs, it's obvious they like their own penis - they lick it enough.  And both of my male dogs are arguably gay, another penis in the house might just prompt them to lay around and lick it or something, and that would just be awkward for company. 

I'll pay on this etsy treasure - leaving it for someone else.  Maybe you?

Does Size Matter, oh yeah... I'm going there.

It's an age old question... Does size matter?  Do women really care about penis size?  The quick answer is no, unless you are abnormally teeny or huge.  I've been with both (yes, there is a big surprise!).  And let me tell you - neither is any picnic.... One you can barley feel, the other you can feel way too much, if you catch my drift.  Ouch. 

So, Emily from Asylum.com - the only girl on male dominated website posted a video answering male questions about penis size.  And apparently there were so many follow on questions after the first video, she had to make a part 2! 

Her first point, if you are 5" and over, don't worry!  Your are just fine.  I must agree.  And I must say, that I'm more than happy with an average dick.  In fact, I love an average penis.  I can take it all in my mouth and he can go to town during sex and all is good!  Any bigger and there is no taking it all in my mouth and we cannot go into every position in bed for risk of going "too deep."

Now, for those who have dicks that are 5" and under... Take a deep breath.  Look for girls with small hands, and I know those girls aren't all that readily available.  And that only helps your dick LOOK bigger, it's not growing.  And let me tell you - popping a little bill Viagra pill just keeps you harder longer (Yes, I've seen that before) it doesn't make you grow...  With a 5" and under cock you still are lacking in the department, Emily from Asylum.com says (and I agree) you better perfect other areas - get good at going down (oh yes, you CAN make up for a small cock by being good here), be a good kisser, a good massage, hell, even be a good cook.  Also explore those other hobbies. 

Now, if you don't know if your dick is small - Emily has offered her services up to examine it for you if you are in New York City.  She says, no photos -- too many photoshop tricks out there!

Now in Part II, it's amazing how many guys came back with questions (although, some very stupid!), regarding Emily's Penis size video. 

First, guys were questioning HOW to measure their penis.... Really,  some wondered if the 5" measurement was flaccid.  Now, I don't know about you - but I'm not sure I've ever seen a 5" flaccid penis - and if I did see a guy with a 5" flaccid penis - I might literally RUN away because that sucker probably is fucking HUGE when it gets turned on.  Yes, dipshits, her measurements are based on a fully erect penis.  And your measurements don't have to be exact.  You can guesstimate a little if you want.  And if you are concerned about multiple measurements over a number of days and taking the average - maybe you SHOULD be getting a hobby and stop obsessing about the length of your cock.  We don't give a shit if you are 1" when you are flaccid if you "grow" out to be 6" - all we care about is the hard cock.  Hell, most of us would rather not see a flaccid dick anyway.  We would rather you are a "Grower not a shower" anyway.  No one wants a Michael Lohan wearing 80's jeans with camel balls!

And yes, it's not just LENGTH that matters, but girth too.  We don't want no pencil dicks.  Long skinny is like getting poked with a finger over and over again.  You know how good that feels - yeah... it doesn't.  We need some girth on there.  Just like you don't really like skinny bitches other than to just look good (we know they are dead fish in bed - the girls with meat on their bones are 100 times better in bed, you just don't want to admit it because the skinny girls are supposedly "hotter" - yeah, whatever!)  Pencil dicks, it doesn't matter how long they are, if they are skinny it's no fun. 

So does size matter...  Yes and no.  Read above and figure out for yourself.  I'm sick of telling you everything you need to know.  Figure out for yourself already!