Miracle Teeth Whitener

As always, I urge you to approach this blog with caution.  And today is no exception!

On the radio this morning I heard a little ditty about a "new" tooth whitener product, one that is available to all women if they just ask and readily available to all men within seconds. 

Apparently, semen has tooth whitening properties.  Just look online. . . . As for scientific claims, those are hard to find - but wiki's all over claim cum's positive whitening (which by the way is a really stupid word!) powers. 

Granted, this might be another reason excuse that men give to women to give blowjobs - but hey - you know I don't need another one!  So girls, shoot one back, swish it around and throw those crest white strips away!  Don't waste your money on that expensive stuff when you can get the other stuff for free. 

Boys, have an excellent weekend... Enjoy my advice to your women:)

The "Do NOT eat list for men who want BJ's"

So we shall revisit one of my favorite post topics today - the blow job (apparently I have mentioned the blow job in 9 separate posts: The "bad girls" burden, Obsessive women worries. You know men don't care about them... , The power of the blowjob, It's Monday, Time for a Big one, Online dating site for . . . . VIRGINS, Sex: One Sad Girls' History, or one girl's sad history. Using Dating as a "cure" for being poor, I want a new drug   and A Record Day.  Believe it or not, I actually thought it would be more! 

So, here we go again.  But this time, I'm going to give you guys (and girls to tell your guys) some real hints.  This one comes from thegloss.com - but i will tell you from life experiences - they are on the money.  There are definite food items men should avoid if they don't want their spunk to be junk.  If an they want you to be licking and sucking down there - their spunk better not be over ripe if you know what I mean.  There is nothing worse than giving a man head and having his "happy ending" be very very unhappy for you. 

So take heed, and take advice of me and thegloss.com.  Avoid these foods, especially if you are going to go down anytime soon.

#1. ASPARAGUS.  First let me tell you about my feelings about the asparagus.  It just LOOKS like little penis.  The shaft with the little head, and how about the white asparagus, yeah.  I just can't even look at the stuff without thinking about it.  Let alone eating it - besides the fact that I just think it tastes gross.  But you aren't here to read about my inner thoughts and tastes of asparagus.  Have you ever had the stuff and smelled your urine the next day?  Yes?  Now think - if it does that to your urine think about what it does to your OTHER bodily fluid... Yes.  It's not good.  Not good at all.  Please avoid. 

#2. GARLIC.  Offender #2 is very pungent, especially in it's raw form.  Garlic going in smells very different going in than going out.  Coming out, it's just not good - Personally, I can tell from feet away if someone engages in a lot of garlic eating, or if they take garlic pills for a heart condition.  And I honestly cannot stay in their presence very long, that pungent garlic spell huts me like a ton of pricks.  I get a headache and have to excuse myself.  I haven't given a bj to a real overly ambitious garlic lover, but I imagine the even is quite unforgettable.   

#3 CABBAGE (and it's family members):   Brussel Sprouts - "little cabbages" - but also, broccoli and other granaries are what are considered bitter on the taste buds on the tongue.  Note, they are bitter after your body processes them too and they come out in ejaculatory fluids as well.  Yeah, bitter in, bitter out.  So, yes... these things are good for you.  Great even.  They have awesome cancer fighting abilities.  But what good is fighting off cancer is you aren't getting bj's guys?  I will leave you  to decide...  We are waiting.  And no, putting butter and cheese on the Brussels sprouts may cover the bitter taste going in YOUR way, but it won't cover the bitter taste coming in OUR way. 

#4 ALCOHOL.  Yes, Alcohol.  I know, sad but true.  Alcohol and coffee (yes, another sad fact) make cum taste bad.  Both of these substances aren't good for the body and such, according to research, make for nasty cum.  The only bright spot is that when drinking both man and woman can drink and inhibitions (and taste buds) are dulled - therefore nasty spunk isn't noticed as much.  So word to the wise, if you are going to drink - drink enough that you are pleasantly over the edge of tasting.  That way the woman can get over the nastiness of the cum you have produced due to your alochol intake.  And with coffee, yeah... guess most of us are such screwed.  Don't drink coffee?  That's the only advice I got for you - it might not be good advice - but that's all I got - so you can only opt to take it. 

#5 PROTEIN.  Yes, I know.  Cum is already high in protein.  Those skinny ass girls watching their calories probably have refused to swallow your cum before because they were afraid it was going to make them fat (hey, I've heard stories - skinny bitches aren't worth their weight!).  But add more protein to a source of already high protein and it just gets kind of nasty.  Yeah. It's like a double negative in English - while in casual speech is sounds ok - but when you are really going for the real business it's just not kosher.  And when you are really going to town - it's not very good to be turned off by what he spits out. 

Are there other things that lead to bad cum that you don't eat?  Yup - smoking, recreational drugs, no exercises, not bathing (you smell down there and I'm not going!), and dehydration.  Otherwise, follow these recommendations actually before the do not eat list.  You can actually eat the stuff first more often than doing these things!

So what should you do?  Eat/Drink juice, fruit, lots of water, tea, spices like Cinnamon and peppermint.  I will tell you I've heard from urban lore that the men with the best tasting cum are the vegans and vegetarians.  Now I can't verify that myself, because I don't trust anyone who doesn't eat mean - seems un American - but according to this list it makes perfect sense!

Sex Rules you SHOULD break.

So... women (and men even) often have misconceptions about sex. Believe it or not, rules are made to be broken!  So, thefrisky.com looks at 9 Sex Rules are should be broken. 

9. You Definitely Shouldn't Fantasize About Someone Else

Ian Kerner, PhD and editor-in-cheif of Good in Bed says that "In my experience, woman fantasize way more than men do.  Men tend to only fantasize if they're bored and want to keep themselves aroused.  Women are often very engaged by the sex they're having and fantasize anyway -- it's a great way to mentally deactivate."  And you know what that means...  No, you dont'?  Ohh, ok - well let me tell you.  Fantasies are fine!  They keep the fire alive.  They are just that - fantasies, not reality.  Frisky.com says, "Get as raunchy as you want to within the four walls of your mind. And, really, who's gonna know?"  And I really like that advice, of course, anything that says, "raunchy" is an A+ in my book.  And note, for those who find themselves in bed with that dreaded tiny peen or that guy who is just really shitty at sex... fantasizing... it can help you get through a very horrid sexual experience and turn it into a mildly ok one.  Trust me, I'm a frequent fantasizer, if you catch my drift.  But these fantasies, not needed quite as much if you catch a good one! 


8 . Toys Will Scare Him
Toys?  Like Tonka Trucks.  Yeah, no.  Here's a fact for you guys... Women already know this!  only 30% of woman orgasm from intercourse alone.  Thefrisky.com suggests the "wevibe" a sextoy that can be used during intercourse for both you and him...  I have to say, I'm a true fan of the sex toy in alone play, but I can't say I've introduced it into couple play - not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind... 
 
7. Men Really Don't Like "Going There"
Our new friend, Ian Kerner also wrote a book called, "She Comes First"... a book about men "going down on women."  OK, women... please a round of applause for Mr. Kerner!  Thank you!  Now men, please click on the link to the left, get over your fears of it, and suck it up (pun maybe intended...) and buy the book and please learn...    Now, Mr. Kerner says that "In my experience, 90 percent of discomfort around oral sex comes from women who are afraid they don't taste or smell good, or are afraid they're taking too long. Women need to know that guys love doing this, and it allows them to relax and enjoy in a way they often can't during sex." Now, I don't know about this.  I would say I run about a 50/50 percentage, half the guys are ok with it, half act like "down there" is toxic.  Of course - shit - maybe it's me.  Fuck.  I hope not.
 
6.You Have to Be "In the Mood" to Do It
More research (again, what's with all these little stupid articles I find and all these obscure research studies - obviously someone is funding this stuff somewhere!).  Apparently the latest female sexuality research is focused on "mindfulness" - a fancy buzz word meaning that we have a hard time transitioning from non-sexual thought to sexual thought.  So what about us that always has part of our brain thinking about sex (maybe because we are feeling a wee bit deprived...)  A Sex Therapist (yes, it's a real job and not just in the movies), Louanne Cole Weston provides the following advice for those who have a hard time turning the switch from on to off in sexual thoughts....

 1)  Focus on the "transitions." from on to off. It might mean a long hot bath or a short massage (now I much prefer the longer massages, but that's just me). "They're little acts that allow women to fully be there during sex as opposed to being persuaded into it,"
2) the mindfulness part: When the actual act of sex and/or foreplay starts (some people have strange definitions of both)... , try breathing in and out, focusing on your breath, then honing in on the silkiness of the sheets, the smoothness of his skin, or the taste of the dark-chocolate-dipped strawberries he's lovingly feeding you. (yeah, who gets that kind of romance - certainly not me - I'm lucky if I can get kisses before a wham! bam! thank you ma'am!)  This careful attention to sensual detail can be what it takes to get you in the mood -- even if you thought that's the last place you wanted to be.

5. You Should Never Talk Sex With Your Friends

OK.  Of course you should talk sex, IN GENERAL, with your friends.  Who is going to tell you the best tricks, tips and techniques.  Yes, I'm serious.  Don't give nasty details including who you are sleeping with.  No one wants to be able to picture exactly the act, including the person.  That just puts too many pictures in someone's head, and if they want to hear exactly about it - they are a freak and probably you don't want them to be your friend anyway....  But outside of your friends, keep mumm.  Your gossipy coworker doesn't need to know about your sex life (umm, I can provide you that nugget of advice from experience), and no one really cares about how good you are at bjs - well, unless you write a semi popular anonymous blog that is fairly well received and read around the world (know anyone like this?)

4. You Should Never Do It on the First Date
Humm, let me start out by saying, I'm guilty of putting out on the first date.  I'm also guilty of walking out within 15 min of starting a first date.  I've also been stood up, and been left halfway through a first date.  Hell, first dates are not exactly my favorite.  If it was my choice I would skip to date 4 or 5 if I could.  Frisky.com says that, "By all means, act on your right to extract as much pleasure from the evening as possible. And without sounding like your mother, we'd just like to say this: Anyone who tells you otherwise is just jealous. There will likely come a time when these where-am-I-who-is-he? mornings are things of the past, and the only thing you'll regret then is passing up the chance."  And I'll take their quote on this one.   

3. It's OK to Fake It
I am in 100% agreement with thefrisky.com when they say, "It is never OK to fake it."  Thank god someone has finally said that.  When you women fake it - you are doing nothing for yourself - or womenkind in general.  You are only just encouraging bad behavior in men.  If they think they are pleasuring you and doing it ALL wrong and achieving the end goal, you are just teaching them bad behaviors.  Seriously, don't let them get away with that. Tell him the truth, don't just do it for you - do it for all the woman that will follow you.  Please, and thank you.

2. Porn Is the Enemy
OK, take porn for what it is.  Actors and Actresses acting out fantasies on screen.  No, you don't have to pretend you are one of them - they are professionals, if you can't bend (or stretch ) like that - it's fine!  Use a modification of that pose, or a modification of that idea and use it as a way to turn each other on. 

1. It Has to Be Perfect
Sex is not perfect, in fact it's pretty messy if it's good, and if you are too worried about your body being perfect or your underwear being perfect you aren't going to enjoy yourself.  So relax.  Please just sit back and relax (but not too much - no one wants a lazy fish lover!). Sex is awkward, arms, legs and torsos can get mixed up and end up everywhere.  Laughter is the best medicine (and to be arguably the biggest turn on!)  If you aren't having fun, call me up... I'll switch places with you and I'm sure I'll have fun with your man.

Does Size Matter, oh yeah... I'm going there.

It's an age old question... Does size matter?  Do women really care about penis size?  The quick answer is no, unless you are abnormally teeny or huge.  I've been with both (yes, there is a big surprise!).  And let me tell you - neither is any picnic.... One you can barley feel, the other you can feel way too much, if you catch my drift.  Ouch. 

So, Emily from Asylum.com - the only girl on male dominated website posted a video answering male questions about penis size.  And apparently there were so many follow on questions after the first video, she had to make a part 2! 

Her first point, if you are 5" and over, don't worry!  Your are just fine.  I must agree.  And I must say, that I'm more than happy with an average dick.  In fact, I love an average penis.  I can take it all in my mouth and he can go to town during sex and all is good!  Any bigger and there is no taking it all in my mouth and we cannot go into every position in bed for risk of going "too deep."

Now, for those who have dicks that are 5" and under... Take a deep breath.  Look for girls with small hands, and I know those girls aren't all that readily available.  And that only helps your dick LOOK bigger, it's not growing.  And let me tell you - popping a little bill Viagra pill just keeps you harder longer (Yes, I've seen that before) it doesn't make you grow...  With a 5" and under cock you still are lacking in the department, Emily from Asylum.com says (and I agree) you better perfect other areas - get good at going down (oh yes, you CAN make up for a small cock by being good here), be a good kisser, a good massage, hell, even be a good cook.  Also explore those other hobbies. 

Now, if you don't know if your dick is small - Emily has offered her services up to examine it for you if you are in New York City.  She says, no photos -- too many photoshop tricks out there!

Now in Part II, it's amazing how many guys came back with questions (although, some very stupid!), regarding Emily's Penis size video. 

First, guys were questioning HOW to measure their penis.... Really,  some wondered if the 5" measurement was flaccid.  Now, I don't know about you - but I'm not sure I've ever seen a 5" flaccid penis - and if I did see a guy with a 5" flaccid penis - I might literally RUN away because that sucker probably is fucking HUGE when it gets turned on.  Yes, dipshits, her measurements are based on a fully erect penis.  And your measurements don't have to be exact.  You can guesstimate a little if you want.  And if you are concerned about multiple measurements over a number of days and taking the average - maybe you SHOULD be getting a hobby and stop obsessing about the length of your cock.  We don't give a shit if you are 1" when you are flaccid if you "grow" out to be 6" - all we care about is the hard cock.  Hell, most of us would rather not see a flaccid dick anyway.  We would rather you are a "Grower not a shower" anyway.  No one wants a Michael Lohan wearing 80's jeans with camel balls!

And yes, it's not just LENGTH that matters, but girth too.  We don't want no pencil dicks.  Long skinny is like getting poked with a finger over and over again.  You know how good that feels - yeah... it doesn't.  We need some girth on there.  Just like you don't really like skinny bitches other than to just look good (we know they are dead fish in bed - the girls with meat on their bones are 100 times better in bed, you just don't want to admit it because the skinny girls are supposedly "hotter" - yeah, whatever!)  Pencil dicks, it doesn't matter how long they are, if they are skinny it's no fun. 

So does size matter...  Yes and no.  Read above and figure out for yourself.  I'm sick of telling you everything you need to know.  Figure out for yourself already!

The "bad girls" burden

So, let me tell you a story.  It's kind of sad in a way.  Lets say, hypothetically a girl is good at sex or at least one part of sex (say, maybe the blow job).  We shall call her the "bad girl"  And maybe this Bad Girl has done a bit of reforming in the past little while (check Missing Mr. Right Now post).  And while she's got some great techniques in her back pocket she's not really handing that shit out anymore.  (Wait, not that she ever did!) 

Anyway, there is a true burden to being good in bed, especially when you are living the "celibate" lifestyle waiting for Mr. Perfect (even if that's a myth - "she" chooses to believe!)  It's amazing how many of the past men come out of the woodwork.  And it's not the good men (granted, how many men that are in the past would you consider "good?)  But it's the guys that you really didn't want to hear from again.  Think dates that you might have felt sorry for and played with... (no one said she was perfect - so suck it, that was BEFORE!)  Or guys with teeny peeny that might have been in the past that she might have dated, but it didn't work out, and lets be serious - if you are going to just fool around, without any commitment you really aren't going to chose the guy with the teeny peen! 

And then there is the really hard ones (pun maybe intended!) those guys coming back for more that "she" actually enjoined in bed.  You know how hard it is to resist that.  Especially when they are telling you how good you are in bed.  That's really hard to resist! 

Here's to all the reforming bad girls out there!  Trying to resist all the advances from guys coming back for more.