Grandma's LOVE the Kardashian sex tape.

I love old people, and I love hilarious old people.  And these Grandma types are awesome.  Check out this video as the women watch the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape for the first time.

This video is 100% clean (amazing for me!) and they've bleeped all the "bad" words out so it's even safe for work!

Ooops. Man spies his wife in online porn

A man in Egypt was surfing the internet for porn - normal enough.  But as he was perusing the available "films" he noticed that the woman in the porn was his wife.  Yes, his wife.  And not just one video - the man found her in ELEVEN films. 

According to eyewitness reports, this man was looking at porn for the first time (bullshit) and when he noticed his wife he collapsed to the floor in shock at the Internet cafe where he was looking at said porn.  First, of course this wasn't the guys first time looking at porn and seriously what the hell was he doing looking at porn at an internet cafe!

The man - of course - confronted his wife.  She totally denied the existence of such porn.  But when shown the video (stupid bitch!) she had to admit defeat. 
Confessing to the sex tape, his wife said that her partner was an old boyfriend and she never actually loved the husband (with whom she'd been married for 16 years and had four children). 

Moral of the story, if you want to do porn, knock yourself out.  Just don't keep it a secret - someone is bound to find your scenes someday and it's an ugly confrontation that you just don't need to have.

Tetris Dating Rules

If you are anything like me you loved Tetris growing up (and still do!)  There is something mesmerizing, time consuming and mindless about those 4 blocks in different formations falling down your screen and landing in perfect unison.  But did you know that you were learning about dating as you played those blocks?  neither did I.  So imagine my surprise when I saw an article on the Frisky about 13 Dating Rules that we learned from playing tetris (and no, I don't just "come across" these articles, I look for them...)

1. Focus is key. If you really want to play, you can’t let anything distract you. Not the crazy guy on the train, not the music of the person sitting next to you, and not the few bumps on the route that might jostle your game hand.
You have to focus on both the game and a relationship to make it work.  Lose focus for a minute and boom you have blocks everywhere and men falling left and right.  Even worse the further you get into it, a slip of focus can cost exponential more. 


2. Be careful what you do with squares, because squares lack the flexibility of other shapes. They go down, but not left or right. You might want to avoid them at all cost, actually.
Ahh, squares.  I don't like them.  In fact, when I can I put them in the "hold" box (if you lovely version of Tetris allows such) and then use them when I absolutely have to.  Human squares are just as boring, they don't bend, change or fill in any gaps in  your life.  They are just there.  And who wants someone who is just there.

3.If you wait to put the long rod in the hole, it’s much more satisfying.
Umm, need I say more?  And I'm not talking tetris here.

4.One major error can throw your whole game.
Like #1, lose  your focus and place the wrong box in the wrong place and you might have one big empty space, and empty space is not good.  Watch out for those errors, one can throw the whole relationship/game off.

5.Sometimes it’s in your best interest to kill a game when it’s getting bad.
There is a reset or quit button on Tetris, not so much in life.  But there is one thing that you can do in life.  It's called breaking up.  If it's bad, really bad.  Just push the power button and start over with a new one.

6.Sometimes your lines can be stacking up and you think it’s over, and then you get the piece you need and everything turns around.
Stress and life can get in the way of dating ... But sometimes when you least expect it (and i hate that term!) down falls the person  you are looking at.  It's like the perfect blocks just fitting into place.

7.The more you play, the better you are at intuiting where pieces fit best.
Ahh, the more frogs you kiss, the more likely you are to find your prince... Right?  So keep playing and eventually you will find the right fit

8.A solid foundation sets you up for a winning game and the best way to set up that foundation is practice, practice, practice.
Blah, blah.  We all know that a solid foundation in a relationship helps make it work.  Probably not great if you put your pieces willy-nilly and just hope it works out.

9.Even if you have an almost clear board and think you’re winning, the moment you get overconfident and slack off, everything can go to shit.
Overconfidence is always bad.  Just when you think you have it (and I'm talking LIFE) under control something blows up in your face and shit... it's all over.

10.Experiment! Sometimes different shapes make surprisingly good combinations. And just when you least expect it, you might find a combo that creates a new window of opportunity.
No one said you have to settle on the first block you see. 

11.Don’t worry about the final tally of lines or scores — just focus at the line in front of you.
Scoring is great.  But it's not the ultimate goal.  Focus on what's at hand and try not to plan for the future.

12.Remember, this is a game. It’s supposed to be challenging, but also fun! If it’s not fun, don’t bother playing.
Dating should be fun, right?

13.If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the game you’re playing, it might be time to take a break and try something else. Like solitaire.
If dating sucks, it might just be some time to take care of yourself...

Hire me! You won't regret it! Sexy Stories written just for you!

So some of you must have read the post I did a couple of days ago about Girlfriendhire.  I was trying to figure out what I should do on the website.  Well, hot damn... last night as I was trying to fall asleep it came to me! 

Check out my posting... http://www.girlfriendhire.com/fake-girlfriend-bizarre-fling-five-dollars/303/write-a-sexy-story-starring-YOU!

Just for you, I will write a very sexy story (think Penthouse letters!) starring you.  All you have to do is give me a general theme and I will get it to you in a couple of days.  Hot I know.

And because you are my loyal fans, the blow is a full example!

The weekends had been long and lonely lately. Busty Blond Bombshell (BBB) was having a bit of a dry spell. This, however normal for many, was quite unusual for our Bombshell. She had let laundry get the best of her and had spent the better part of this weekend washing and folding clothes.


Now, late Sunday night she looked over the piles of folded clothes, the faint smell of laundry detergent and fabric softener lingering in the air and the emotions ran high. Only female clothes filled her piles on the floor, neat little piles of her 36DD bras, skirts and dresses, and tight little tanks for under everything. Oh how she wished for boxers and the starchy men's dress shirts to be mixed into her piles. But alas, she could only fantasize as it had been ages since she had been with a man.

As she stared aimlessly at the piles, her mind began to wonder....
......
Bombshell emptied the full dryer, removing the contents - both her and her lovers clothes intertwined like the had been only hours ago. She reached in, removing his favorite t-shirt, worn thin by repeated use and held it up to her nose, taking in the smells - not only the smells of laundry detergent and fresh dryer sheets, but that faint smell of him that was deeply ingrained into the fabric of his t-shirt. Ahh, how she loved the way he smelled. She could be doing the most mundane task around the house, even at the office, and somewhere, somehow a whiff of his scent would come across her nose and she would instantly feel the electric between her legs. A buzzing and a need that could only be filled by him.


As her face was deeply buried in his favorite t-shirt, he came up behind her and surprised our Bombshell. Not only was he there, but he was also feeling the electric buzz. He came up behind her, pressing his long hard rod into her back. Ahh, how she loved that they were so in sync with their love making - he wanted her as much as she wanted him - and as often!

Without a word, her lover, lifted her flimsy summer dress that she wore doing simple housework and softly touched her pussy though the underwear. She let out a sigh and he felt the damp moistness already through her underwear. Quickly, with one hand, he pulled the underwear down and fully grabbed her entirely with one hand as to claim her womanhood as his own. She was dripping wet. He softly touched her, but she pushed against his hand urgently.


Bombshell grunted when he took his hand away, but for only seconds was she unguarded. Still with her back to him. His hard cock entered her hard and fast. One quick thrust entering her deep and sending shockwaves through her body. She gasped and pushed against him hard, driving him into her deeper. He continued to thrust, each thrust getting deeper and deeper until she felt he was impaling her with his amazing cock. Her knees gave out, but he caught her.


He spun her around, and lifted her on top of the dryer and thrust back into her. Sweet vibrations of the dryer seemed to come from everywhere. The little bit of heat and the vibrations drove her wild.

Please retweet, facebook share... I don't care!  I'd love to start writing stories for you AND your friends.

Ways to NOT pop the question...

One in four guys pop the question around the holidays, but it's also the month of a statistical spike in breakups.  All according to yahoo's Relationship blog, Shine.  Yes, we all think no matter what way a man asks his woman to marry him, it is all great.... but no.  There are bad ways to pop the question. 

Here are 5 bad ways, boys take them to heart.  Girls if you see them coming - you might want to think twice!

1.  Proposing in a very public place.
Evidence, see below video:

Need I say more?  Probably not, but I will, because we all know I can't keep my mouth shut (or my fingers still)  Proposing shouldn't be about everyone else, but rather just you and him - hell the marriage isn't about making a grand and very public pronouncement of your love, but rather committing to each other - so make the proposal about each other.  The last thing you need is to make her feel like you are gilting her into something just because there are a lot of people around. 

2. Putting the Ring in Food

I've always been a little scared when I see (or hear) about people dropping the ring in champagne or putting it in any kind of food item.  And there is reason for concern here.  A high level of risk exists here for that ring, especially if the man keeps the whole thing very quiet.  One slip of the tongue and that ring is in the belly and instead of on the finger, and coming out is not as pleasant as going in.  And I imagine trying to find it on the going out side is less than ideal situation, and leads to a bit of a less than exciting moment when you first put the ring on your finger.  So boys, keep that ring in the box, if you really feel the need to do some special surprise, just keep it out of food that she could possible consume.  you really don't want the next trip after the engagement to be the ER.

3. Inviting the Internet into your Private Moment
So, in the video below, some guy (obviously a bit of a IT geek - I have no hate!), spelled out "Will you Marry me" with gold coins and has his wife play Super Mario Brothers.  Now, I have to tell you, alone I think that's kind of cute (and the dog lover in me loves at the end where the beagle joins in the celebration!)  But ... it's a private moment, and I feel a little voyeristic watching the video - and that's the problem!  If you are more concerned about developing your proposal to become a viral video on you tube, than the actual proposal to the woman - you've got a problem.  And it's a big problem that will probably solve itself in less than 7 years and I'm sure you will have lots of time, by yourself, with youtube then.  And you will have all the time in the world to make your own viral videos.  Anyway, like I said in the first one, a proposal is for the man and woman involved, and you don't have to invite the whole internet - and everyone on it - in to join you. 


4. Don't propose the day you wed. 
This should probably also just be said as, Don't get married in Vegas.  Eloping, not usually a good idea. Often one party would feel like they were getting pressured into it.  Give each other time to plan and get used to the idea.  Devoting your life to another person, and legally binding to them isn't something to shake a stick at (in fact from my position right now it sounds damn right scary.)

5. Beware of the Weather
This is a new one for me.  But Shine.com had a whole list of disasters where the weather was to blame including:

- One guy had the best intentions hiking up a mountain with his girlfriend to propose. But when they got lost and the temperature dropped, they had to call in the mountain rescue services to save them. Needless to say, he never got the chance to get down on one knee.
- Another groom-to-be lost the $9000 heirloom he was about to give to his future wife when she dropped it on a rock jetty.
- Then there’s Megan Fox who was so thrilled to get a ring from Brian Austin Green that she dropped it on the beach and sent a search party to find it, without success.

Umm, that's all I need, get some predictability and don't let the weather interfere.

Cyber Sex... The "new" sex

Ahh, the kids these days - always inventing new ways to get their rocks off.  Since the internet was "invented" (by Al Gore of course) it's been chock full of porn.  They say the first internet was just a way for scientists to share information - yeah, I know better - even scientists have sex drives - they were sharing dirty pictures too!  And since there were early chat rooms there was a way to talk dirty.  I can tell you - as an elementary/middle school kid we had dial up Prodigy, and you paid by the service.  Ohhh, I got in some major trouble when that first bill came because I was just talking to random people.  Imagine what kids (and adults!) of sexual age did!  And now, we have to advent of the web cam - all hell has broken lose.  You can video anything and everything across the net - and people do.

So, what am I getting to?  Cyber sex.  Is it really sex?  All I know is that it sure leaves a whole lot to be desired when it comes to this girl!  I get the point of people in long term relationships - when that's all you can do.  When you can't see each other and your only choice is that. 

But, just to have "fun" but stroking off in front of a camera?  Yeah, I don't get that...  Do you know what's missing?  Yeah, just about everything that's good with sex - the touching, the feeling, the kissing... do I need to go on?  Yeah, I'll do some dirty talk online, but that's all about foreplay, you know build up to when we can do it in person.  I don't want to build up to when we can do it online.  That's just a let down.  Where's the touching, the feeling, the heat?  Yeah, you guys that want your cyber sex? You are probably just cheating on your significant others and just want to stay "safe". . . well, don't let me be your fake lover.  I want a real one.