Grandma's LOVE the Kardashian sex tape.

I love old people, and I love hilarious old people.  And these Grandma types are awesome.  Check out this video as the women watch the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape for the first time.

This video is 100% clean (amazing for me!) and they've bleeped all the "bad" words out so it's even safe for work!

What did you just say??? Wierd Things said during sex

Ahh, sex.  It's such a wonderful thing.  There are some people who like the silent act of sex (great for those who have roommates or paper thin apartment walls), there are others who scream like banshees, and yet others who just blurt whatever comes to their mind.

Sex is not exactly a place where you often find people censoring themselves.  But according to Sara Barron on the frisky.com the following are the strangest things said to her during sex, can  you top it?  As always, her words followed by my own thoughts in Italic.

1. "Weeee!" I knew a man who said “Weee!” every time he ejaculated. Lest you need assistance in picturing exactly what this would have sounded like, imagine a toddler flying down a slide. Imagine his mommy waiting for him at the bottom, encouraging his fun with a loud and hearty “WEEEE!” That, my friend, is exactly what it sounded like. 

Humm, "Weeee!"  sounds like that man had some serious mommy issues and apparently reverted back to childhood with every orgasm.  Personally, I'm not sure I could take him seriously after such childlike glee. 




2. “Ay mate: why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” So, I was dating, briefly, an Australian I’d met at a bar. He was winning and adorable in all the ways you’d want an Australian to be winning and adorable. However, this one night we went drinking, and he got drunker than I’d ever seen him, and then – once unclothed and back at my apartment – he asked the aforementioned question: “Ay mate: Why don’t I flip you over and rip you up the shitter?” Suffice it to say, his use of the verb “rip” did not help his cause. I told him “no” and it ended just days later.


First off, any man who talks like a pirate in bed (when you aren't roll playing ol' Jack Sparrow - yeah, I've never seen the movie, but I know Johnny Depp does it for a whole lot of girls)... Anyway, any man that talks like a pirate in bed probably should be shot.  And if ANY man ever uses the term "rip" when talking about sex, he's not going to go anywhere near my girlie (or "shitty" parts)!


3. “That was fucking. Now let’s make love.” I had an old friend I’d met freshman year of college, and years later, at the age of 26, we finally got around to sleeping together. At a certain point during the event, he was hammering away like a jack-rabbit, then suddenly and without warning, he took pause. He stopped. He looked deep into my eyes, took my face in his hands and said, “That was fucking. Now let’s make love,” and at that point, began a slow and dedicated motion to suggest he was trying to reenter the womb.

Lets be fair, there is a serious difference between "fucking" and making love.  Often fucking is just for fun's sake, while making love actually conveys some real emotion (yeah, probably what sex should actually be, but moving on...)  But to switch it up from fucking to making love during one session - that's just a way too big of jump to make. 


4. “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, kiss.” I’d been set up on a date with a friend of a friend who worked as a regional musical theater actor. To break the ice, I’d spent the first half of our date trying to get him to do a dance move for me. “Please!” I’d said. “A high kick! Some jazz hands! Something!” He continuously declined. Until, that is, we got back to my place.  “Hey listen,” he’d said. “I think I’ve come up with what dance move I should do for you.”  And then he went, “Pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée, KISS,” while pas de bourrée-ing toward me. If you’re unfamiliar with the term (pronounced “PA-da bou-RAY”), it’s basically the French version of a triplet: Step back, step side, step front. This anecdote, I’ve filed away under the category of “Careful What You Wish For.”

Yeah, if a guy wants to "give" me a dance move.  I'm not taking it.  Go bark up another tree.

What does your favorite sex position say about you??

Oh yes, I think I have an addiction to askmen.  But they provide some good shit, and this one is really good.  What does your favorite sex position say about your personality.  This could be telling.  Besides, I swear to god, these days one of the first things guys ask (me at least, and maybe that's just the freaks I go out with) is what is your favorite position.  I'm thinking my new answer should be something like  -  you, in the kitchen baking me a pie...  I like pie, that sounds good. 

First, in italics, askmen's words, then my own.

Doggy Style


You have a real disdain toward women, and you try and degrade them any chance you get. This stems from deep insecurities rooted in the many rejections you suffered in high school, mostly due to your overwhelming acne and your complete inability to express yourself through fashion. Now that your face has cleared up and you’ve read a couple of AskMen fashion articles, girls actually want to have sex with you (after a few martinis) -- and this is your chance for payback. Doggy style is the best way for you to completely demean your partner by implementing any one of the following: the Donkey Punch, the Ram, the Bucking Bronco, and your all-time favorite, the Dirty Sanchez.

Well then, boys who like to do it dog style.... sorry about your luck with women.  Because if she reads this or ask men, she's not gonna want you.  Sounds like you are a real asswipe.  And if you implement any of the following: Donkey Punch, the Ram, Bunking Bronco, or Dirty Sanchez with me you better be a fast runner because I'm liable to go Lorena Bobbit on your ass (if you need to look up any of those references go to Urban Dictionary). 

Missionary

You’re someone who doesn’t like to take chances and prefers playing by the rules. That’s why instead of pursuing your childhood dream of becoming a trapeze artist, you’ve been working at the same truck-rental company since college. Luckily for you, your boss’ daughter doesn’t love you for your spontaneity in the bedroom. She loves you because you always speak in a monotone, only ever order chicken at restaurants and still find Jeff Foxworthy hilarious. Besides, whenever she craves sexual enlightenment, she calls your brother, the trapeze artist.

Well, sounds like you might be boring.  Well, shit.  That again doesn't bode well for you.  But then again, playing by the rules doesn't always have to be a bad thing...  But if she's moving on to another guy (or gasp girl) you might want to step it up. 

The Cowgirl


You don’t believe in hard work and are used to everything being handed to you on a silver platter. You’re an only child, so all your life your parents bowed to your every whim (did you really need that mini roller coaster built in your backyard?) to make up for the fact that they just didn’t want to do it with each other anymore. Even the girl you’re with now is the daughter of family friends, and the only reason she’s still with you is because the consulting job your uncle got you helps pay for her expensive coke habit. And if all it takes for her to get her fix is to hop on board Kaptain Kielbasa for five minutes until you finish, then so be it. After all, ripping lines in the condo your daddy bought you sure beats working the streets.

Ohh, snap (and yes, I still use that phrase - sorry).  Sorry boys.  This one doesn't work well for you either.  Sounds like you are one lazy motherfucker.  If the girl does all the work (even if this position is great for getting her off), means you are one lazy ass.  Soundslike you need to step it up.  So step it up dude.

The Spoon

There’s nothing more important to you in this world than being in a relationship. All your life you’ve been picked on by your friends, and you've developed low self-esteem as a result. The mere idea of ever sticking up for yourself gives you massive anxiety. The only person that doesn’t pick on you is your girlfriend. She tells you that your body is too spindly, your hair is too thin and your pork loin is too dry to be helpful, not abusive. That’s why you’ll gladly do her nails, zip up her dress and fill her wallet before she goes clubbing with the girls, and why you look forward to holding her hair back when she pukes in the toilet at 4:00 a.m. After all, if she’s blackout drunk, you can spoon her all night long.

Hey dude, you are a pussy.  Grow a cock and some balls and be a man, enough said.

The Cat

If you’ve mastered this Tantric favorite, than sex is only your third favorite thing in the world, right behind drum circles and goji berries. You don’t mind physical orgasms, but you prefer spiritual ones, in which your infinite soul is intertwined with your partner’s infinite soul in a fractal sea of synchronicity. Unfortunately, your girlfriend refuses to give you an orgasm -- both physical and spiritual -- until you cut off those mangy dreads. Or better yet, shower.

What the hell is the cat? And if you know, let me know.  All I know is that I'm not into hippy's - they smell bad.

So, the quick answer is that askmen thinks that all favorite sex positions are negative, well that's not good!  So what should you do?  My best answer... like them ALL!  Play, explore and have one bad ass (in a good way) sex life.