Alcohol and IQ. Booze actually makes men starter - no shit!

Earlier this week I posted about drinks that men should never order.  But I never thought I would say that you should actually drink!  I've never been a huge proponent of drinking.  Sure it helps you escape - but it's only temporary and the next day you feel like shit (or at least I do)....

But shit, a new study from the University of Illinois at Chicago psychologists found that alcohol actually makes people smarter.  Yeah, believe it or not - booze actually boosts people creative problem-solving skills. 

40 young men were tested.  20 were required to stay sober (yeah, those unlucky bastards!) and 20 were "required" to drink until their blood alcohol level was 0.07 - 0.01 short of what most states consider intoxicated.  The drunk guys solved 40% more of the brainteasers given -- and in a faster time than the sober men.  (Granted, the sober guys might just have been pissed they weren't supposed to drink!)

So, do you need to do some problem solving - drink up bitches!

Drinks a man should never order ...

Someone famous once said, "Thou shall not pass judgement"  Now, I don't know who that person was, but they obviously lived somewhere besides here... Because judgement runs rampant in these parts.  And boys, we judge the hell out of you.  So, you should keep watch, and basically if you want to get laid, pay attention... There are some drinks you should NEVER order.

No.8 A drink with a name you can't pronounce
These days there are pages upon pages written in bar drink manuals of all sorts of alocholic combinations.  We get that you want to be adventurous and try new things.  In fact - even try to impress the people you are with by your vast knowledge of alochol.  But if you can't pronounce the name of the drink correctly, don't order it.  Someone in your party - or god forbid the bartender - is going to know how to pronounce it correctly and instead of looking like the intelligent drinker, you are just going to look like a pretentious idiot who doesn't know shit.  And really, do you want to look like that?  My guess is no.

No.7 Malibu and Diet CokeNow, I like me some Malibu rum.  Askmen doesn't approve.  They think that Malibu is a horrible beverage.  Diet Coke is great ... for women.  You combine Malibu and Diet Coke and it's the ultimate men's emasculation tool.  Sorry guys.  If you really want the taste -- go for the standard rum and coke. 

No.6 Fuzzy Naval
Remember back in high school when you broke into your parent's liquor cabinet and went crazy on Schnapps?  Yeah, it was great huh?  But once you can buy your own liquor, you should really chose something that is actually worth the price.  Don't go for the wimpy alochol. 

No.5 Non-martini "tini"
Ever heard of the appletini or the cosmo?  Of course you have.  Have you heard a man ordering these?  It's highly unlikely because they are serious girl drinks.  Don't get me wrong - I love me some fancy martinis.  But they are so girly.  If you boys insist on ordering a martini - go for the classic vodka or gin martini.


No.4 "What she's having"Haven't we already discussed this?  Women's drinks aren't for men.  So ordering the same thing as your date is a definite no-no.  OK, wait, boys, I will give you permission on ONE thing, if your woman orders something like a Scotch on the rocks you are good to go.  But that's not exactly the most common girl drink - so err on the side of caution.

No.3 Whatever you want
Ok, fine.  You are a man, order what the hell you want.  If you look like a sissy you deal with it. 

No.2 Sex on the Beach
Sex on the Beach is great if you are actually having sex on the beach.  But drinking it?  Yeah, not so great - even for girls.  Many of us ordered it early on because it sounded so risque.  But it's not risque at all.  It's just a sissy drink for sissy girls.  (and I'm totally ok with being a sissy girl!)

No.1 Alcopop
A new term for me.... alocopop is the bottled malt beverages.   While it's very great to come home at night - pop the top on an alocholic soda - going out and ordering such a beverage is just silly.  Not only are you paying a HUGE markup, you are missing out on all the stuff that's out there.  Mixology is all the rage these days and paying nearly the same price you can have some great drink. 

Dating while Drunk... or not.

Two things seem to go together as well as peanut butter and jelly - alochol and social situations.  And what's the most social of social situations? Dating of course!  So how do dating and alochol mix - depends on what your end goal is! 

Now, I've said before, I have some real issues with eharmony.com - but even I have to admit they do provide some good articles and some good advice (although with any advice you have to take it with a grain of salt - or as with me a bit of obnoxious attitude!)

First, lets examine the rules of alcohol and dating.

1.  Get Familiar with your Alcohol Tolerance.
This should be obvious, but there are a lot of people (especially those of the girl variety!) that don't know how many drinks they can consume without being fall down drunk, tipsy, or just fine.  And hey girls, this might be obvious and really shouldn't be an "ah ha" moment - but girls, the guy is typically bigger than you and matching him drink for drink is going to leave you drunker than him.  So, girls... if you don't drink that much - don't on dates!  Now, believe it or not... I'm not a big drinker - I MIGHT have a drink every 2 months or so.  Granted, when I drink I really drink, which is a cause for alarm.  And basically I'm my own don't!  But I will tell you I would never drink like that on a date! 

2. Consider the entire evening.

Living in the moment is great - if you have no other moments coming up.  Because I have to tell you, that hangover is going to be a bitch!  Think about the date, and don't go overboard!  A happy hour date and drinks.  Dinner and wine.  After dinner drinks.  All of that adds up and can lead to a very drunk girl - and as we all know - drunk dates and messy drunk girls are bad.  Basically if you have multiple drinking opportunities and drink at everyone of these opportunities you are going to end up one very sick girl or boy. 
3. If you've experienced addiction in your past…

If you are anything like me you have a strange addiction to the new round of shows like "My Strange Addiction" or "Intervention" or "Addicted" or the millions of others that center on all of the weird - and not so weird addicitons people have.  And while a lot of people want to hide all that shit, some want to just get it out in the open.  But, it's better to keep those type of declarations of "issues" for later revelations in the relationship (but don't wait too long - keeping that kind of secret will eat you up and provide for an ugliness you don't want to keep from a potential long term partner).  To solve the stickiness for the first date situation and not drinking - a simple, "No drinking for me tonight" is more than sufficient.

4. How are you getting the car home?

Very few things are worse in the world than Drinking and Driving!  Now in the DC metro area (where I live) we are very lucky to have a robust public transportation system that employs both rail and bus and has many cabs available if you have one (or many) too many.  But this isn't the case everywhere.  Never ever ever drive drunk, and if your dates insist on driving you home while intoxicated refuse.  And would you really want to be with such a man (or woman!) who shows such bad judgement?  The answer is probably not!

Alocholic Whipped Cream? Sounds delish!

Since I apparently missed the whole caffeinated alcoholic  drink bandwagon - and missed out on trying Four Loco before it was banned - this is one sad sad girl!  I have in my head now that I cannot miss the new alcoholics  dream - alocholic whipped cream, IN A CAN!

Apparently, two different varieties of alcoholic whipped cream in a can are currently available - CREAM (30 proof or 15% alochol by volume - and NO I don't condone huffing thankyouverymuch!) and Whipped Lightening - 16-18% alcohol by volume.  It comes in flavors such as  chocolate, raspberry, orange and cherry and suggested servings include added to mixed drinks and jello shots - but you know abuse is only one step behind.   Shots of this out of the fridge really are shots - better than just taking a shot off the whip cream jar.  Hummm.  The only downside.  The suckers are about $13 a can. That's kind of hefty.

Free Drinks based on your Cup Size? Hell yeah!

Apparently there is a club in Singapore that is basing a new promotion on a woman's cup bra cup size. "Fill My Cups" nights at the OverEasy night club with DJ DCUP. The Club's Free drinks - "Booze for your boobs!" are based on the following and judged by a team of both a man and a woman who visually determine the cup size (apparently touching is not part of the determination):

- "A" cup: one free drink
- "B" cup: two free drinks
- "C" cup: three free drinks
- "D" cup: a free bottle of vodka

Note, the promotion has been called humorous, but has also been called distasteful (any good promotion is!)  One woman said she thinks the concept is funny, but would never degrade herself by being a part of it.  (she obviously doesn't need the free drinks, and probably is on the very low end of the cup size), another woman is proud of her assets and didn't think it would be embarrassing at all to be judged on her bra size (this woman is for sure on the upper end of the cup size spectrum).

Now me... I'm thinking I need to travel to Singapore - this club would be like a goldmine for me!  If I went on this promotion night, I would bank a bottle of vodka every time!  That's enough to get me (and basically all of my friends) drunk.  Talk about a cheap date.

Then again, I've heard horror stories about the law in Singapore, it's apparently really strict - and I get messy drunk.  The last thing I need is to do something stupid while drunk and end up in some weird Singaporean prison for the rest of my life getting made fun of because of my wildly huge boobs.  Yeah, how about we just bring this promotion overseas to the United States, please?

Whisper Sweet Nothings in bed. Wierd things guys say to girls in bed.

OK, we've all been in bed, and in the heat of the moment we've said or grunted something that just doesn't make sense.  (I've told you before about my little diarrhea of the mouth problem...) 

But, you girls out there... have your been in bed - having sex or just playing around with a man, or your man.  And then he turns to you and says something that you just can't believe.  Thefrisky.com has a list of 20 Weirdest Things Guys have Said to Us in Bed.  What do you think? 

-- “‘I love you.’ (It was a one-night stand.)”  lets just hope he was drunk!  I get a little love drunk when I'm highly intoxicated and would be apt to say I love you to everyone - so I can't say much.  I think that's why I avoid drunk sex like the plague!


-- “I want to lick your armpit.” eewwwww

-- “There was one guy who could not get off without stringing together a bunch of foul words that made no sense as a sentence. For example: ‘F**k whore a**hole bitch f**k c**t p***y s**t!’ So ridiculous.” ha ha ha

-- “One guy begged me to slap his erect penis.” Sounds like someone has a bit of a BDSM complex, and I would run away

-- “You’re the first biological woman I’ve had sex with in a long time ...” umm, what has he been having sex with, blow up dolls? 

-- “My last girlfriend had a bangin’ body.” And what do I have?  Yeah, don't compare me, we already are.  Give a girl a complex and she's going to give you a good bye.

-- “Your ass tastes like butterscotch.” butterscotch? 

-- “I’m sorry, I don’t always cry like this.” A boy cry in bed... yes, I'm not sticking around.

-- “‘Can I cut you?’ My response, ‘AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!’” Can I punch you in the face?

-- “Can I stick it in now?” Can you use a little more romantic language? 

-- “‘I just want to make you come, Jeanine.’ (Not my name.)” Use another person's name in bed, you better hope you have her on speed dial, because I'm not going to call you back.

-- “Did you see ‘Two girls, one cup’?” No, and I don't plan to.

-- “Call me daddy.” Call me, never.

-- “You’re like a man in bed.” no girl wants to be called a man, ever.  Especially in bed.

-- “I wanna shave you first.” Can we shave your back, ass, and the rest of your body hair as well?

-- “You’re not pulling my balls hard enough.” I don't like balls, so if I'm pulling, I"m pulling them off.

-- “Don’t worry, my mom has heard me have sex before.” Umm, thanks.  And no thanks.

-- “If we go back to my place, my roommate will totally join in.” Great, threesome.  But can I see his picture first.  I'm not about to come into this blind.  Yeah, how about not.

-- “I met him on an online dating site. We had only emailed back and forth, but he kept saying, ‘I’m a stranger. You don’t know me, I’m a stranger, you don’t know me. I’m a stranger you don’t know me,’ over and over again.” and I won't be getting to know you thank you very much.

-- “‘Could you wash this?’ (Handing me a used butt plug.)” Used toys are gross, no explanation needed.