The Everest of Sex.

Yes, the Mount Everest of Sex.  The one thing we can all aspire to, but often fail to achieve.  What is it you ask?  The Female Orgasm. 

Guys have it very easy, mostly it's just a tug and a pull and poof (or ooze - whatever the case may be).  Women are not so easy, it's like you have to line up all the right dials and push the buttons in the correct order and even then it still doesn't work 100% of the time.  It's a very cruel joke. 

So when I came across an article today on the 5 Common Myths of the Female Orgasm I had to share and compare.

MYTH #1 "Normal" women have orgasms through intercourse alone. 
Turns out only one third of women actually achieve the big O regularly though intercourse.  Can you say, ouch?!  Only 1/3?  That number is way too small.  And another third CAN achieve an orgasm through vaginal intercourse, but only with some extra simulation thrown in.  And even more sad, there are some women who will never achieve orgasm during the full monty.  Personally, I think this is not quite fair.  What the hell? 

MYTH #2 It's possible to orgasm by eating a particularily delicious cup of low-fat yogurt.
Seriously?  I've never even heard of this one.  But apparently it's out there that you can achieve orgasm by eating yogurt.  Apparently this started because of a genius (in my opinion - any advertising that starts a myth and keeps people thinking about it is genius in my opinion).  Anyway, turns out that Yopliat's advertising with a woman groaning with pleasure eating a cup of fruit-flavored yogurt.  Shame, it isn't the case - maybe I would actually be tempted to eat yogurt if it was true. 

MYTH #3 "Come Together" by The Beatles is about the female orgasm.
Nowadays, basically every song has sexual under (or not so under) tones.  But the Beatles "Come Together" is not one of them.  John Lennon write the wrong for Timothy Leary when he ran for California Governor against Ronald Reagan.  Oh, and yeah, he didn't win.  If he did you might know his name and not Reagan's.  Of course, Leary didn't win because his campaign platform was to legalize week and his slogan was "Come together, join the party"  Sorry, if you want a sexual song, you'll have to keep looking.  Granted, I'm not a fan of the Beatles (hate me if you want) so I had no idea about this one at all!  But if you are interested, "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones is actually about a man's orgasm. 

MYTH #4 The Northridge earthquake of '94 was caused by several simultaneous female orgasms.
Those would be some seriously powerful orgasms!  But in reality it was caused my a rupture in a previously undiscovered trust fault in the San Fernando Valley - the earthquake not the orgasm!  But did you know that the Valley is the epicenter of the porn industry and if you are wondering, the earthquake occurred at 4:31 am - and believe it or not, porns are only shot during normal business hours... yes, it's true. 

MYTH #5 Gwyneth Paltrow has never had an orgasm
Seriously?  While is this even on this list.  But, this - like the others is false.  This Gwyneth woman has had an orgasm in her life (and my belief is that she's probably had multiple - although maybe not in the same setting - that shit is hard to do)

Now after writing all of this I have to admit I'm a little embarrassed, I figured this would be a real list - but by the time I was through all 5 myths I've written enough to not want to delete it... so take that and enjoy it. 

Capitol of the Nation .... for cheating?

So, you know I'm not a huge fan of cheating and all that goes with it.  But did you know that Washington, DC has been proven to be the highest per-capita in CHEATING?  I have to say it's not surprise to me, but it's interesting to see the actual data.

According to the website Ashley Madison (whose tag line is actually Life is Short, have an affair) Washington DC has 38,000 registered users on their website (of a total 13 million registered users).  On the average, 30 NEW members sign up every day from DC - peaking on Monday (guess their weekend didn't go so well)

Apparently, Ashely Madison's CEO (what a job, I wonder if he can keep down a marriage?) said, "Simply put, the more successful you are, the more prone to cheating you are, and Washington is full of successful people looking for something outside their marriage."  

The CEO says that people who are successful take professional risks that obviously pay off.  They translate this to their personal life.  Also, business travel, etc provides for many opportunities for cheating. 

Lovely, I'm glad that Washington, DC got this "honor"  But we cannot share this on our own!  Here are the top 10 cities:

1.  Washington, DC
2.  San Antonio, TX
3. Phoenix, AZ
4.  Salt Lake City, UT (This one surprised me - guess those religious types aren't living by their vows!)
5.  Oklahoma City, OK
6. Pittsburgh, PA
7. Boston, MA
8. Chicago, IL
9. Dallas, TX
10. Orlando, FL

Are you good in bed?

So...  the age old question... Are YOU good in bed? 

This is for all my girls out there.  You know ladies, it's hard to tell if you are actually good in bed.  Guys are simple -- especially when it comes to sex.  How rare is it that a guy doesn't cum from sex?  No matter how bad the girl is?  Yes, that's right - it's rare.  But if you are anything like me - you want to be not good, but GREAT.  So how can you tell if you are good in bed, or basically just place for him to bury his weiner.

As always, yourtango.com's ideas and then my own in italic.

1. He clenches his hands and feet. A physical sign that a guy is in complete ecstasy is if he's clenching his hands and feet. When you see your guy doing this, take it as a sign he's holding on for dear life, making sure that the encounter doesn't end prematurely. After all, what you're doing to him at the time might be just a little too good.  So clenching is good?  I will watch for that.  But it might be difficult unless you have extra eyes? 

2. He wants to do it again right away. When you've really blown his mind, he won't be able to get enough. Just thinking about the sex you had will be so arousing that he'll want to do it again. So, if he seems particularly virile, pat yourself on the back sister...you're doing something right.  Does this mean the alternative is true?  If he avoids you or if he doesn't want to go for a two-fer you aren't that good?  Ouch. 

3. He remains really flirty afterwards. Another sign that he can't stop thinking about the sex you've had is if he stays heavily flirty afterwards. Many guys say that after an amazing time, they'll send multiple saucy texts to their girl to show her how into her they are. And with the extra flirting, they're building up anticipation for next time. Bonus!  So if he keeps sending you dirty text messages or emails afterwards that's a good thing?  Even if sometimes they can get a bit overboard? 

4. He's very touchy feeling through out the day. A guy who is into you will probably be touch feely (unless he's really shy or completely opposed to PDA of course). A sign you're having great sex is if he becomes even more touchy feely. Quite literally, he's so aroused, he's having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. While flirty texts may be his verbal reminder of how much he wants you, his constant touches are his physical reminder.  A hug, a kiss?  A handsy man is a good man.

5. He tells you it was awesome. This one is pretty obvious, but if a guy tells you you were amazing, he thinks you were amazing. He's not saying it to be polite, he's saying it to tell you to keep doing whatever you're doing. Don't brush off his compliments, take them to heart...you sex kitten!  How about if he tells you that you are the best ever?  Does that count?  If so, I'm golden!

6. It was great for you. As the saying goes, "it takes two to tango." If the sex felt awkward or uncomfortable to you, it probably felt that way to him too. If you thought it was hot and passionate, then guess what, he did too. Perhaps the easiest gauge of how good the sex is for him is how good the sex is for you.  Hell yeah.  We are women, and women are complex.  So if it's that good for you... then damn it, it better be awesome for him.

7. He's trying new moves. Most men are pretty competitive by nature. When the things you do are blowing him out of the water, he's going to feel the need to put up a more impressive showing. If he starts pulling out moves you haven't seen him do before, take it as a sign that he wants to please you as much as you're pleasing him and is pulling out all the stops. And if his new moves aren't pleasing you, do let him know. With good communication and guidance from you, he too can become a rock star in the bedroom. Excellent.  Keep trying it out on me!

Conversation Heart Rejects

So, today is Valentine's Day.  (Yippy skippy)  I'm not really into it this year, and I'm glad I'm home and away from all the giddy women getting their flowers, chocolates and gifts. 

But I do admit that I have a love affair with the Valentine's candy.  And not the chocolate - but love the conversation hearts!  Although, I can't say that I spend a lot of time reading what they say before I shove them in my mouth.  But, when I came across this list on Huffington Post, I felt it was appropriate to include on this blog to "celebrate" Valentine's Day.

Now, these come from twitter posts... so take them for what they are.

1.  ARE YOU 18?

2.  I CAME ON THIS

3.  WAITING FOR YOU TO DIE

4.  FIST ME

5.  I THINK U MADE ME GAY

6.  GET TESTED

7.  I'M CHRIS HENSON

8.  I CAN'T WAIT TO WRITE ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PROCLIVITIES IN MY TELL-ALL MEMOIR

9.  I ONLY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE AND IF I CAN GET YOU TO LIKE ME, I WIN!

10.  IT'S A LITTLE SPINACHY DOWN THERE

11.  I DO STAND-UP AND IMPROV

12.  I',M THE QUARTERBACK OF THE STEELERS

13.  MY VERSION OF A CANDY HEART IS JUST A ROOFIE I WRITE ON WITH A SHARPIE

Nutritional Value of Semen

So... I've got to go on a diet.  My curvy physique has suddenly because a bit too "fluffy" for my own good. 

So a friend and I were talking this afternoon and suddenly the subject of the nutritional value of semen came up.  Would swallowing a ton of semen break your diet?  I'm not talking about becoming a hooker and swallowing multiple guy's loads a day - I'm thinking just your average swallowing of cum for a blow job once in awhile. 

So... if you are on a diet should be forgo the swallow and instead spit?  According to Go Alice! Columbia University's Health and Wellness Question and Answer site, ejaculate is not serious caloric concern.   Each teaspoon of ejaculate has about 5 - 7 calories and some 200 - 500 million sperm.  The "normal" man ejaculates 1 teaspoon for every orgasm.  But that amount varies upon a man's age, when he last ejaculated and how long he was aroused before ejaculating.

And those 200 - 500 million sperm (it's amazing that we don't all have a shit load of kids from all that!) is only about 1% of the man's cum.  The other 99% is made of fructose sugar, water, ascorbic acid (Vitamin C!), citric acid, enzymes, protein, phosphate and bicarbonate buffers, and zinc.  And while all those are great vitamins and minerals and all things we need - don't so out and drink a lot of cum trying to "get healthy!" 

But don't feel bad next time you swallow, you aren't going to gain weight from it!

Overplayed Online Dating Responses

I'm not sure if you know -- I'm a big online dater.  Maybe not "dating" but pursuer.  I'm always looking at profiles (of guys of course) and looking to see if I can find the man of my dreams online.  So far, I obviously haven't done so well in that department - but it doesn't stop me from looking... and looking ... and looking again.

So, today when I was looking for blog ideas and I found on thefrisky.com a article named "10 Played-Out Online Dating Messages That Guys Send Women."  I don't get many messages from my online profiles (eharmony, match, okcupid, plenty of fish...) but I say that I get a shit done from random posts I put on Craig's List

Lets discuss...

1.  "Hi" 
Ugh.  Yes... if you can't write more than "hi" don't expect me to take the effort to write back after you literally wrote two letters.  Hell, it takes you more key strokes to actually, open the email, and push the send button then it did to actually write the freaking email!

2.  You're hot/sexy/attractive."  Well, it's nice of you to say, but it's hard to take you seriously when that's all you care about.  Also, let me point out the "Wow, you have big boobs" or "Damn, your boobs are huge" or "Wow, nice boobs" is just as bad....  Girls love to think that they are attractive, but want to have you say more than I'm hot.

3.  "What are you looking for on here."  Really?  I'm on here looking for a car, or looking for my lost dog.  There is one reason and one reason only you SHOULD be on a dating website.  You are looking for someone - to love, to date, to fuck... 

4.  "What are your plans for the weekend"  Polite conversation asking about your weekend plans are great.  Maybe he's genuinely interested in what you are doing.  But boys if you are interesting in asking us out -- please don't beat around the bush.  Just ask me out damn it.  Don't pussy foot around it.

 5.  I wud luv 2 get 2 kno u.  Nothing is so unattractive as a guy who can't use common english.  Yes, I suck at spelling, but at least I know the difference between "2" and "to."  I have to say there is very little I hate more than people who use 'texting' shorthand in real emails, and conversation.  Note, emicons don't count - I love those!  I will say, if you use this texting shorthand, I will probably not write you back.  I don't even like people using texting shorthand in TEXTS.  People used it when we didn't have smart phones and qwerty keyboards.  Now use it when you can!

6.  My name is (name).  I am (height), have (color) eyes and (color) hair.  I am a down-to-earth guy who loves to work out and take care of my body.  Basically you just repeated what is in your profile.  I don't want to have the same information repeated.  Please try to say something interesting and different.  Granted, in the same breath, I'd rather not assume that anything in your profile is true - and I'd like for it to come out in conversation. 

7.  "I have a girlfriend/I am married, but..."  Hey jackass, if you are otherwise attached what the fuck are you doing on a dating website.  Basically, it's your type that I absolutely hate and make the other guys look bad.  If you just want to hook up there are sites for that - I hear adult friend finder is great.  ..  But if you are married, you should not be interested in dating... Please stay off the legit dating websites!

8.  "You would be lucky to go out with me."  Ohh, I'm lucky?  Really?  lucky?  Dude, I'm so not into feeding your ego.  I like a confident man, but this is just damn cocky.

9.  "Do you work at ____?"  Hell no, I'm not going to tell you where I work.  Just like I'm not going to tell you where I live.  I'm not about to set myself to be a stalked.  There are some seriously shady guys out there.

10.  Call me sometime. (555)555-5555.  I hate this one!  What do I do.. Pick up the phone right there and talk about... Your online profile?  No, if I met you online, lets chat first... and chat via email or gasp... IM.

Pizza Proposal

Yes, pizza proposal. I'm not shitting you.  Right now on Pizza Hut's website you can "order" up a Pizza Proposal. 

It's an all inclusive package for just $10,010!  With that $10K you get a Red Ruby Ring, Limo Service, Flowers, Fireworks, a Photographer, and a videographer.  Oh, and they'll throw in the $10 pizza box for another $10. 

Boys, as great as this seems - an all in one shot (and only 10 available!) proposal.  Please do not do it!  No girl wants to say that their man "ordered up their proposal online" and the highlight of it was a $10 pizza deal.  Don't get me wrong, pizza is great, but what you going to do, put the ruby ring in the middle of the pizza (ohh, and only a one item pizza!)?  It would get all greasy.

And on that note, guys... please don't don't put a ring in any type of food or beverage.  There is just too many opportunities for swallowing and no one wants to have to dig through their excrement (yes, big word!) for their fancy ring - and then have to wear that shit (pun intended) on their finger! 

Accidents Happen.

We all know, accidents happen.  And when those accidents involve spermies and your vagina it's a big accident!  (Well, that is unless you are trying for that, but in reality - it wouldn't be such an accident then)

If and when those "accidents" happen - women have few options.  You know - Plan B (literally).  But you know, it can be a little difficult to go all the way to the CVS and have to ask the Pharmacist for the drug. 

So, the girls at Shippensburg University have hit the jackpot.  The college now has Plan B emergency contraception in a vending machine.  Yes, vending machine.  Grab your coke and hangover food and your Plan B at the same time.

I'm a HUGE proponent of Plan B and options if an "emergency" happens.  But that shit being available in a vending machine just makes it too accessible.  Maybe they should have a contraception vending machine - male AND female condoms, jelly, foams, and Plan B.  Make it easy to get it all - not just the "emergency" one.

Word of the day... especially for those big boob lovers

So the word of the day is....

SQUOOB

What is "squoob" you ask?  According to the Sun, "squoob" stands for the squashed boob look that results when a woman wears a highly fitting corset and her boobs are squished out the top.  Now, this "trend" can go well, or very badly.  But when it goes bad, it really goes bad. 

According to the Sun, there are some squooby do's and squooby don't.  You be the judge.

One stop mastrubation for men.

Many people love to watch porn online, I don't blame them.  And everyone is always looking to make that experience better and more "real."

Well, here we go.  This is as real as it gets - without a real woman!  The Fleshlight is a male masturbation aid.  Basically, it's just a "fake vagina" that men can use to jerk off. 

Now imagine if that fake vagina was attached to your ipad, leaving you one stop shopping?  Yes, it's coming (no pun intended)

I think it's a great deal, with the flesh light you can keep the "mess" contained and your masturbation aid is right there.  It's almost as good as the real thing - almost!