CL Missed Connection of the Day

So I check the missed connections on Craigs List every day.  Some day maybe I will be one... and believe it or not, once I posted a Missed Connection and connected with a guy for a date.  Granted, that date turned out very badly and will likely soon be posted in the bad date series ... but you just never know!

But today I saw a post that seriously made me laugh out loud.  Christina, if you are out there... the guy has a great body, you might want to respond :)

Bad date story... Wait, did we have sex last night?

So, I'm not a big drinker and I often go to bed early (for most people) on the weekends to catch up sleep.  But I'm also the kind of girl that tells ANY of my friends/lovers to call me if they get stuck and need a ride.  And somehow this translates into "She's open for booty calls any time of the day or night!"

So, I've been known to be awoken from a deep sleep with the ringing or buzzing of my phone with a telephone call coming in or a text message (note, I'd much rather have the text message!).  So, on this day the buzzzz of the phone goes off and I get the ubitiquious message "Are you up?"  Well, no of course I wasn't up before you called, but since the buzz went off, I'm up now. 

And then he (and you had to guess it was a he) basically tells me he's coming over.  So here I am... half (or more) asleep and trying to prepare for a visitor.  Now, this certain visitor and I had only been on a small handful of dates (like 2 previous), so I was still in the "trying to impress" mode.  I got up, cleaned myself up and laid back down.  A text later shows that he hasn't even left downtown DC yet (which is a good 30 minutes).  I told him to get on the metro and I will pick him up at the closest stop (about 5 minutes away), but he argued and said he was going to take a cab.  All that is fine and good - but my house is in a weird little section of town that borders on ghetto and no one can find it - even google maps and GPSs get it wrong! 

I laid back down, struggling to stay awake and periodically checked my phone for updates.  All I kept seeing was "Ohh, I'm 20 minutes away".  Ten minutes later, "Ohh, I'm 20 minutes away".  Ten minutes later "Ohh, I'm 20 minutes away".  Ten minutes later, "Shit, I'm in xxx City, that's not close to your house, is it?"  He was now even further away than he was when he was downtown!  I texted him SPECIFIC directions to get to my house to give to the taxi driver, he should be there in about 20 minutes (for real this time).  30 minutes later I get a phone call.  He's struggling to form words and is lost about 10 minutes away.  This time I get ON the phone with the taxi driver, who is at this point really pissed off (as am I) and direct him to my house.

Well, he gets out and tells me that the god forsaken taxi driver was a dumb ass (I had talked to him, clearly the dumbass was in the back seat of this particular taxi) and that he got into a fight with the taxi driver and just threw a hundred at him and walked away.  Seeing his condition, I'm pretty positive that it was not a hundred and I'd be surprised if he gave him anything more than a dollar bill. 

But I cooled down. let him in my house and tried to get "in the mood."  He, of course, seemed to not be as drunk as I originally thought and was very sweet.  In fact, sex that night was quite good.

I woke up the next morning, his stinky alcohol laden breath on my nose.  And I woke his ass up.  He looks at me, gets this shocked look in his eye, and then it registers... oh yeah, I did get here last night.  Then he looked over, and calmly asked me, "Wait, did we have sex last night?"  At that point, I flipped out and within seconds I had all my clothes (and shoes!) on and was ready to drive his ass back to the metro so he could get himself home.  He sheepishly looked at me and said, "What? we aren't going to have sex now?" 

The answer, no.  And I never saw him again.  Sex with me must be memorable, thank you very much.

Bad Date Stories... Wanna feel my gun?

I had just graduated high school and was 19 years old.  He was new in town and 24. 

And like Paul Harvey, "Here is the rest of the story..."  (And yes, if you don't know who Paul Harvey is... that scares me a little)

I was just about to graduate high school and back in those days there was no My Space, no facebook and we barely had email.  So imagine my surprise when I randomly got an email from a much older (hey, 5 years is a huge age span when you are in high school!) man.  I had met said man because he was a referee for my high school athletic games.  Ohh, and said man was also one of the newest public safety officers in my small town. 

So back to that email.  I was floored.  But being me and being curious I responded.  And the drama began. 

Imagine a small town where everyone knows your business.  And as a senior in high school my name or photo was in the paper nearly every day so I was pretty well known (I'm not bragging here, this girl was the classic overachiever).  And him, as one of the few public safety officers, was also well known.  All the girl's parents from the soccer team knew who he was and obviously who I was. 

One of our first dates went well enough, until we went back to his house.  In those days I was much more of a prude than I am today (hey, I was a really good girl in high school!) and going to his apartment (his OWN apartment) was a big deal.  In hindsight, I should have totally not been impressed by his college hand me downs, but hey, I was young and impressionable. 

And him, being who he was, goes back to his room - and pulls out his gun.  I might be from the midwest but I'm no hunter and I had never been so close to a gun.  And honestly it scared me (guns still scare me a little!).  All he kept saying was, "Wanna feel my gun?"  "Wanna touch it?"  Ohh, and he was not talking about his arm "guns" or even the small appendage between his legs - he was talking about his actual weapon.  Needless to say, I touched the gun with all of one finger. 

In hindsight, I really wonder what the hell this guy saw in a girl who had just graduated high school!  When I graduated college the last thing in the world I would have wanted was to date a guy right out of high school - there is a huge age span there.  When discussing songs from dances, etc the ones I noted from my high school days were the ones he danced to in middle school. 

I guess, good for him.  But I never did feel his gun, we are talking the appendage now.  

Bad Date Stories.... Jackbutt

So... I didn't date much in college - at all.  Partly because I was one of those intense kids who thought she was in college to actually learn something (silly!) and partly because the damn small Christian college I went to had some crazy ratio of 5 girls to every 1 guy or something stupid like that.  I also didn't really fit in any specific group: I wasn't greek, I wasn't one of the crazy Jesus freaks (there was a not so small group of kids who were always barefoot - even in the MIDDLE of a midwestern winter because "Jesus didn't wear shoes"), and I wasn't one of the million other types of sub groups.

But, my senior year came and I went on a couple of dates.  But one really sticks out to be.  To be therefore known as the "Jackbutt" date.

So, I met a guy online, I think it was yahoo or something, but that was 10 years ago so I don't exactly remember.  As well, I'd like to share his name, but I don't even remember! 

So I met said date at the local movie theater in the mall.  Now, I'm not a fashionista and since we were going to a movie I dressed casually, but not too casually.  But imagine my surprise when the guy walked up to be looking like he just rolled out of bed.  His hair was disheveled and he had an old ratty sweatshirt on.  OK, I wasn't thrilled with his appearance - but I figured I would suck it up and continue on with the date.

But then it got bad.  We went back into the movie theater and walked to our movie.  But we bypassed the theater showing the classic - Jackass.  He looks up and then looks at me very seriously and asked me if I had seen the movie, "Jackbutt."  What? Yes, he couldn't say Jackass (but strangely had SEEN the movie).  I should have ended the date right there.  But I didn't.  And honestly it didn't get any better. 

Bad Date Stories... Do you have a friend?

So... I've decided to do a series of my bad date stories, because I have a million of them!  Now, I know I once said that I would never use personal stories, but I promise I will sanitize the stories so the not so innocent are protected. 

Today's story happened just yesterday and I posted a short post on facebook and people told me to "start a blog"  little did they know I already have this crazy thing. 

So... here is the "Do you have a friend?" bad date.  It's not technically a date, but just go with it.

I was on an unnamed online dating site last night and that tell tale beep sounded showing me that I had a message... This is the exchange that occurred over the evening: 

Him: hi! Wanna make out?
Me: just randomly makeout?
Him: haha ya!
Me: well, as flattering as that is. I'm not really into casual kissing.
Him: haha ya!
Me: But good luck! You are a very good looking man who should get whatever he wants :)
Him: hahah, well thank you!!! do you have any friends who might be looking?

You'll notice I was very nice, but seriously...  Do you have any friends?