I cannot unsee this, so I have to pass it on to all my lovely friends that read my blog. If I had to see it, you do too.
Apparently, the newest thing is not only keeping your underarm/pit hair - but dying it in very bright colors. I'm sitting here with a frown and disgusted look on my face as I browse pictures of women with brightly colored underarm hair. To be fair (or not fair), most of these women appear to be the granola/hippie type and are likely looking to be "different" (by being the same... but no judgement here).
I cannot promise that my underarms are always shaved and smooth as a babies bottom - in the winter they can be covered up, and if I'm not actively dating and having a man see me nude on a regular basis I'm not always shaving (go ahead and judge me - but I'm not the only one!)
So, here you go... Like I said, if I have to see it - you do as well. I'm curious... guys, do you find this attractive? Or... ladies (for my lesbian folks), do YOU find this attractive?
First off, as a disclaimer... I'm a real fan of writing and utilizing proper grammar. I'm not a complete grammar nazi, but I do believe that the English language should be used properly and that basic grammar rules should be followed, regardless of what and where you are trying to get across.
This brings me to the many messages I get from various online dating websites and apps. As I believe dating is a numbers game (that so far I'm not winning at...), I am active on multiple websites and apps. But across the board, I am shocked at the lack of basic usage of grammar and English language rules. While I try to be forgiving as there are many reasons that a person may not write a perfectly crafted sentence - there comes a point where it's just so bad you cannot forgive.
Nothing makes you look more uneducated than a short message that has to be read multiple times just
to understand what is the basic idea the person is trying to get across. And don't even get me started on the use of acronyms and texting shorthand. I understand why texting shorthand was developed (back in the day, many of us has the innovative and popular Motorola Razr that lacked the QWERTY keyboard that we all love these days), I do not understand why someone cannot take that extra 60 seconds of effort to spell out what they are trying to say. Just a couple of minutes ago I got a message on okcupid that said, "Hi beautiful hru :)" I actually had to think about it.... apparently "hru" means, "How are you?" That's a new one for me.
This all brings me to the real reason I'm taking time out tonight to write this blog posting. Men, consider this a huge tip. I can't be the only one, but nothing turns me off like a poorly written message. ESPECIALLY, when this message is the initial contact. Remember that this message/email/text is serving as a first impression to someone you are obviously attracted to and would like to at least strike up a conversation. Take a couple of minutes to really think about what you want to say and say it with these crazy things called sentences.
I'm not going to penalize you if you don't have perfect grammar or misspell a word here and there. I am going to penalize you if you casually forget spaces between your words (like,this,I'veactually...gotten an email,like this-in-thelast.few days). I'm not going to write you back if you use more texting shorthand than actual "real" words. And god forbid.... if I have to read over your message multiple times just to figure out what you are trying to say, I'm not going to writing you back right away, if at all.
Stepping off my soapbox now. This is probably one of the reasons I'm still single - but I'm owning it :)
So, this weekend I discovered the show "Frisky Business" about the UK's largest sex toy website. I binged watched the entire season on Sunday.
When you think of a sex toy website/show, I'm sure your mind goes automatically to some risque, dirty show. But it's totally not! The show and the website is geared towards women and errors on the side of ... dare I say it... classy. Both the show and the website aim to make sex and sex toys accessible to the masses. They don't want you to be ashamed of wanting to do something different.
But... that all brings me to today. Like I do every time, I tweet out a link to my newest blog posting and copied Lovehoney.com and hash-tagged the hell out of the tweet.
and this morning.... I got a retweet back from Jess, one of the "characters" on the show. It might have made my day, my week, my year. :) Very impressed!
It's a Saturday night and I'm home alone (don't feel sorry for me, I'm actually pretty entertained)
So, tonight I turned on netflix and felt like finding something new and different. And holy shit, did I find something new! Turns out Netflix has a season of a show called Frisky Business. Frisky Business is a docu-series about the UK's largest sex toy website called Lovehoney.com. According to Love Honey's own website...
Throughout the series, you'll see average days working in the sex toy industry and get to know the whole lovable and silly gang,
doing our part to keep the world sexually happy. 'Frisky Business' is a
frank, funny and friendly insight to the adult retail world and shows
what makes working at Lovehoney extra special.
Immediately upon seeing the description of the show on Netflix you know I was hooked. Not only do I have a keen interest in sex toys (umm, have you read any of this blog?!?), but I have a sick fascination with docu-series shows like this. I like reality shows where we are let into someone else's world and get to see how they tick and what their influence (or lack there of) is on their world.
Netflix has the entire first series streaming right now (watch it while you can - lately Netflix has been killing me with taking entire shows off - Law and Order... one of my go-to's disappeared within the last couple of months) There are six hour-long episodes and I've completed one episode and about 3/4 through the second and I'm in love!
The show is awesome in that it takes an industry that people like to demonize and makes it perfectly normal. For instance, they show the customer service people talking to customers about length of dildos or smoothness of a sex toy in a perfectly calm and normal voice - just like they were discussing TPS reports (bonus if you know that reference - and if you don't... you probably should be shot)
But, my favorite "characters" are those who work in the Returns department. Yes, returns. Apparently Lovehoney.com allows for returns of any of their products no questions asked. Yes, returning sex toys.... something that if it doesn't have bodily fluids on or in it then it was not used correctly. The babyboomer Grandmother type is the head of the returns department and reviews each return - usually with latex gloves on (do you blame her!?!). I've only watched the first episode in completion, but so far my favorite story is her explaining to her coworkers the most recent return. Through giggles, she reads the reason for return, "My son took and used my credit card without permission and bought a number of sex toys from your website. He apparently did not think I would review my credit card statement, but he was wrong. I made him to go his girlfriend's house and fetch the sex toys. I request a full refund because he did not have permission to use my credit card."
And now... episode two is focused on the hilarity of the Rabbit Amnesty program. the website has offered to not only recycle (for real) your used rabbit but also make a donation in your name (and the poor rabbit's - may he rest in peace) into a worthy charity. I wasn't focused on the charity, so I don't remember it and it wasn't one that I knew off hand - but it's England. They get HUNDREDS of returned rabbits (and of course, you see the time lapse pictures of rabbit after rabbit after rabbit being thrown in a box). They even filmed the Grandmother lady taking the boxes into the recycling plant.
So, until further notice, I will be watching Frisky Business and of course will be completely upset when I run of out of episodes (only 6!!!). In the meantime, feel free to browse the Lovehoney.com website and feel free as well to forward any toys my way (they have a special Christmas section!)
So.... I've been actively tindering. I am swiping like a maniac. More often left than right. For those of you who aren't hip to the world of tinder, tinder is a dating app that I've mentioned on this blog before. According to Wikipedia (my go-to... even with it's issues), Tinder is...
"a matchmaking mobile app. Using GPS technology, users can set a specific radius, and they will
have the option to match with anyone that is within that distance. Although the app has been a success, Tinder has been criticized
extensively for its "appearance based match-making process", which many
have labelled shallow, superficial and vain"
The general perception of Tinder is that it is a hookup app. It's all based on a couple of pictures and a very short profile paragraph. Tinder is GPS enabled and matches you based geolocation of your desired matches. Tinder does not match you based on hundreds of questions like some of the other dating websites (ahem... eharmony). Instead, Tinder gives you three options: Distance (anywhere between 1 and 100 miles, your age preferences, and finally what sex you are looking for (male, female or both). And it's all very superficial, but it doesn't claim to be anything else - and I'm totally ok with that!
All of that brings me roundabout to my real issues here! Going through Tinder when you have a spare moment - waiting for the bus, waiting for a meeting to start, or swiping to keep you awake during said meeting. All that swiping can lead to a bad case of "swipe too much" and you can get going on a roll and accidentally swipe left when you meant right, or right when you meant left! And there is absolutely no undo option or search option to find that person again.
In fact, if there a hot guy and you accidentally swipe left saying you aren't interested, that person is lost forever (or until the randomness of Tinder brings him up again when you hit that magic combination of having similar GPS location and you are actively swiping). There is no way to search a user name or anything. They are just.... gone.
MAYBE!!!
Turns out that Tinder is looking at developing a paid user tier (of course, it is a money making venture after all). Tinder has told TechCrunch that they are looking into an upgraded service that would include an "undo" feature. You would be able to revisit your swiping choices! No more details are available, but it might be a useful feature for many of us who become too swipe happy and end up saying no when we really meant yes!
The weather has changed (practically overnight!) and suddenly we have gone from sundresses and flip flops to boots and leggings. I much prefer the cooler weather. I love a good sweater. And don't even get me started on my LOVE of wearing long sleeve shirts that at least partially cover my hands. On that tangent, I don't know why I like it, but I love extra long sleeves that at least partially cover my hands. Bonus points for the athletic gear that has those awesome thumb holes.
OK, back to the topic at hand. Leggings. Leggings are awesome. They allow you to wear dresses all through the winter. They are thicker (and warmer) than tights and don't snag and run when you even think about them snagging (Can you tell I have HORRIBLE luck with tights and nylons). Leggings are great tucked into those so comfortable (and sexy) knee high boots.
BUT... this brings me to the topic at hand. Leggings are NOT pants. Leggings should be utilized the way way that nylons or tights are utilized. That does NOT mean that you can wear a crop top and leggings. That does mean you can wear a dress or just get away with a long sweater. Basically... think about covering your ass. Leggings might appear to be opaque, but more often than not when stretched tight (as leggings are supposed to do), they appear a bit see through. And really? Do you want your Thursday day of the week underwear showing on a random Monday (you know you do it, just admit it!)
I found this handy guide on HuffPo, print it out... hang it in your closet. Refer to it as necessary, but please... for all that is holy and good remember Leggings are NOT pants. You do NOT want to be like one of those creatures of Walmart who is wearing pink leggings and look totally butt ass naked.
Thanks to a new Tinder friend... I was turned "on" to this amazing song by Wendy Ho. This lady is awesome, and it's a great follow-up to the last post on Sex Week at Harvard with their high class (and probably high priced) seminar called, "What What in the Butt"
And because this is definitely NSFW, here are the lyrics. You can read really racy stuff... but when it comes out of your speakers, we know that shit can get you in a whole hell of a lot of trouble.
Poop Noodle Song
Please don’t fuck me in the ass tonight
That Popeye’s Fried Chicken ain’t sittin right
And please don’t try to stick it in all quick
Or you’ll end up with some shit on yo dick
Don’t try to sway me by puttin on that Aretha
Or you’ll end up with poop in yo urethra
I ain’t gonna do it because it hurts
I ain’t gonna do it, got the Hershey squirts!
Dingleberries all in yo balls
You want poop noodle?
I’m gonna give it to you!
Wo-oh wahow ohwoahwoahwaho!
You want some butt sex, you want up in it
But not tonight in my anus!
You want my pooper, you wanna pound it
But it feels like I’m gonna shit on yo dick!
Please don’t drive down my Hershey Highway
I just drank some Maalox now you actin gay
And please stop fingering my brown eyed butthole
Unless you wanna end up with a stanky tootsie roll
Our love used to be never ending, just like a story
I’m sorry but this ain’t no hole of glory!
I got a perfect pussy what more do you need?
You nasty muthafucka want my butthole to bleed!
Anal fissures and some corn on yo nuts
You want poop noodle?
Which is poop comin out yo peehole after you fuck a butt that has shit in it! Ah!
You want some butt sex, you want up in it
But not tonight in my anus!
You want my pooper, you wanna pound it
But it feels like I’m gonna shit on yo dick!
P-O-O-P N-O-O-D-L-E
What’s that spell, y’all?
P-O-O-P N-O-O-D-L-E
It’s more like what’s that smell, y’all?
You want some butt sex, you want up in it
But not tonight in my anus!
You want my pooper, you wanna pound it
But it feels like I’m gonna shit on yo dick, son.
As I'm sure you have seen/heard/witnessed in the last 24 hours, Harvard's annual "Sex Week" has become national headlines. I wish I could blame it on a slow news day - but since it's election day, that's the furthest from the case.
So, annually Harvard University "hosts" a week of Sex Seminars. This year one of them offered is "What What in the Butt." Yes, you are reading that right, it's billed as Anal Sex 101. The syllabus includes topics of anal anatomy, the potential for pleasure of both genders, how to have "the talk" about anal sex, basic preparation and hygiene, lubes, anal toys, safer sex, and anal penetration for beginners.
Personally, not a fan of anal sex. No, that's not correct - I think it's horrible - but I do have to commend Harvard on covering the topic so completely!
And before you imagine an old man with a bad comb-over who wears an old corduroy suit jacket with patches at the elbows... know that it's not a Harvard professor teaching this course. Instead, a local sex store appropriately named "Good Vibrations" will teach this one-time class.
And if "What What in the Butt" doesn't flip your fancy, other seminars include, "Brown Girlz Do it Well: a Queer Diaspora Remix," "Fifty Shades of False: Kink, Fantasy, and Fetish" and "Losing Your (Concept of Virginity).
I guess those students really are getting their monies worth in their Harvard education!
I don't know about you, but I've had those nights where you should NOT be using your phone. You know what I mean.... those drunk dials or texts to old flames at 2 am are never a good idea. I will admit, I made my fair share of these calls in my 20's. Especially to one (very patient) guy, who I almost always happened to call when I was highly intoxicated and would just say over and over and over again, "I need you!" Now, at the time I was in college and interning in DC and he was still back home in Michigan working as a legit lawyer. And even more ironic, we had never hooked up or even gone on a date.... I had just decided he was the "one." Yup, take a moment to laugh at my expense.
Now, I'm older and arguably a little bit wiser (although I wouldn't take that to the bank) and I can say I've only done the drunk text a handful of times in the last few years. And these days, it's not to hook up but more of a "why didn't we work out... I'm SO awesome... why don't you LOVE me"
But enough about me, and more about this amazing indiegogo campaign I came across this afternoon. Drunk Mode is an App in Beta testing that provides the following features:
--> Find My Drunk: Utilizing GPS mode, the App can help you find that drunk friend who has wandered off
--> Breadcrumbs: The App will help "refresh" your memory as to where you were and at what time last night. Super helpful if you discover that your Credit Card is missing and at some bar holding a tab.
--> Stop Drunk Dialing: Most helpful for those late night calls you just think you have to make, the App will stop you from Drunk Dialing.
And the following features are still in development, to be funded by the indiegogo campaign
---> Find a Ride: The App helps you find where taxi's, Uber/Lyfts, drunk buses, safe rides and public transportation are in real time. Drunk driving is BAD, BAD, BAD!
--> Recovery Mode: To help you restore all of the lost snapchats and where they were taken.
--> Night Time Enhancers: Real time location to find cheaper Happy Hours and Food Specials
--> The Hype Map: Find the best parties.
GO, GO, GO to their indigogo page (https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/drunk-mode) and donate today to make the full app a reality. You know you need it.
Seriously ... how many of these am I going to get? I appreciate the compliment - both the first and second times. But your emails are way too similar to be a coincidence.
