Killer Phrases for online dating

I can't help it, I'm a bitch when it comes to reading online dating profiles.  Reading through if I find something I dislike I automatically click off the profile.  And yes, I don't even give the guy a chance.  This might be why I'm single, but I don't care.  At least it weeds some of the really bad ones out first.

 

So what do the "experts" over at Time Magazine think are no-gos when it comes to online dating profile phrases (try saying that 3 times fast....)

 

“Down to earth.”
Well, first of all, I don’t even really know what it means. It’s going to vary from person to person, so the term is meaningless. I guess they’re trying to say they’re humble, but that definition is going to vary. It shows a lack of thoughtfulness about the profile that you’re writing. You’ve just filled in a bunch of catchphrases that you’ve heard. Even the most superficial, narcissistic person in the world thinks they’re down to earth, so that one is particularly ridiculous.
I'm with them on this one.  What the hell does down to earth mean?  Lets dissect the phrase.  Down means "on the floor (or something)" and earth is this big thing we are standing on.  So you are down on earth?  Yeah, try using something a bit more descriptive.  Like, hey bitch, I'm not all stuck up or anything, but I will call you bitch, so you better be ok with that....

“I love to laugh.”
Who doesn’t love to laugh? It’s another thing that’s completely meaningless. You think it shows that you might have a good sense of humor, but it’s just universal pulp.
If someone can find me someone who doesn't like to laugh, I might pay them.  Granted, some kind of laughing are kind of painful - think the giggling/laughing when someone is tickling your relentlessly or even when you are laughing so hard that you can't breathe.  I don't like either of those kinds of laughing, and someone who does might be a bit of a sadomasochist into weird pain.

“I just want a nice guy.”
The truth of the matter is, from what I’ve seen in my time here, women don’t really want a nice guy. They want him to be a nice person, but men who are just nice aren’t very interesting to most women—not for very long anyway. He needs to have something about him that’s compelling. He doesn’t need to be a bad boy or edgy, but that phrase on a dating profile doesn’t give a guy much information.
Not me, I want a total asshole.  But then again, I've had some of my best dates with guys who responded to a Craig's List ad looking for a guy with a slight douche-bag complex. 

“I love life.”
That doesn’t help me anyway. What do you love about life? Sometimes people will say they love music. That’s just worthless. If you like punk bands, if you like Black Flag, tell me about that. Tell me about a show you went to, or how the music makes you feel. Give me a look inside your head because that’s what’s going to make you stand out. It’ll also give me questions to ask you when we finally do get together.
Umm, if you didn't.  Wouldn't you rather be dead?  And who wants to deal with a dead boyfriend/girlfriend.  Besides, have you seen the price of funerals these days?  You don't want to get into a relationship and have them want to off them self - you'll feel responsible and want to help with the funeral costs and that's just too damn expensive!

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
Somehow, to this day, people still want to include that in their profile as a way of saying, “You know, I really don’t need this online dating thing. I really have a line of people who want to date me.” It’s a silly thing and it kind of degrades the process, and I’d love to see that go away.
No shit, none of us are real proud that we are looking for a partner online.  It's like we failed to meet someone in the real world and have to go online to find someone like that desperate fat couple down the street that found themselves online

Sexercise!

No woman I know is 100% happy with her body.  I'd love to say that women are self confident.  But how many chicks do you know that wouldn't be happy to burn a couple of calories - and have fun doing it?

Hell yeah!  So when I came across a posting giving approximate calorie burn for sex acts, I'm all for it!  Then again, I'm going to have to find a willing partner, but I'm sure there is a guy (or two) out there who could stand to burn a few cals too! 

Making Out, 30 minutes: 230 calories

Foreplay, 20 minutes: 87 calories for women, 107 calories for men

Unclasping a bra with both hands: 8 calories

Unclasping a bra with one hand: 18 calories

Unclasping a bra with your mouth: 67 calories

Strip Tease: 60 Calories

Oral Sex: 100 calories

Missionary Position, 10 minutes: 250 calories

Woman on Top, 10 minutes: 300 calories for women, 130 calories for men.

Sex Standing Up: Up to 600 calories for both people.

Masturbation: Up to 150 calories per session.

Orgasm: From 60-100 calories

Meat on the bone.

Ahh, yes... I know you.  You read the subject line and thought I was going to talk about boners.  Well, I'm not.... kind of.

So, I have weird eating habits, I'm super picking and I don't like strange things.  Mayo makes me want to hurl, even looking at it makes me want to puke.  I don't like spice - at all!  But one of my strangest eating quirks is that I don't like eating meat off the bone.

You know - a T-bone steak (then again, I don't like steak either!), or chicken wings, or even fried chicken with the bones still in it.  I don't know what it is, but it creeps me out. 

Now my friends think this is hilarious.  Who doesn't like chicken wings (not only are they spicy, but that damn bone thing!)?  I have to admit, once in awhile I do like a chicken wing, as long as it's very mild, and I only eat the very outer layer of meat, I leave more meat on it than I eat because I don't like to get too close to the bone!

And god forbid I say that I don't like meat on the bone in PUBLIC because every snickers at me and makes references to blow jobs - and my love of them, but my aversion to the real meat on the bone.

OK, that's it, I just wanted to share my bone story... mostly because a friend told me I had to write about this on my blog.  so there you go G.. ;)

You can't cheat with this wedding band!

Readers of this blog will know one thing, I'm against cheating.  Completely and totally against cheating.  This attitude has not always been popular, and in fact I've lost a couple of very close friends for being upset that they did cheat.  But I haven't waivered on this idea.  I've seen way to many people devestatingly hurt by cheating to even given it a second thought.

So, imagine my surprise and delight when I see the "anti-cheating ring!"  While, probably made as a joke (it comes from a website called "The Cheeky" after all) the idea behind the anti-cheating ring is brilliant. 

The ring, made out of strengthened Titanium is a simple silver-look on the outside, but engraved on the inside is "I'm married"  So if your man (or woman) is in a bar or something and takes off their ring to be cleaver, an imprint of "I'm married" stays strong - basically staking your claim.

It's the closest thing to branding your significant other - and I have nothing wrong with that!

Dating after 30...limited choices

So, I've been 30 for awhile (like nearly 2 years now).  I have found that the guys I meet or date generally fall into the following categories.  And hey, I came up with this list all on my own, I didn't even steal it from someone else. 

The Divorcee
Yes, I've hit that point where it's difficult to find a man who hasn't been married before.  And I have to say this can definitely go many ways (although it's not usually good).  Often people marry too young and grow up and out of love with each other and end up as divorced at an early age.  But more often than not there were issues in the marriage that necessitated it's end.  So what about dating these divorced men?  Well, on the positive side, they've lived through it (hopefully) learned a lesson or two and could be a great boyfriend or husband.  Hopefully they have decided that this time they are going to make it work.  But I would say a lot of divorced husbands are carrying some major baggage about women in general following a divorce as most of them aren't very amicable affairs. 

The Daddy
Ahh, the man with kids.  Now, I like kids, I really do.  But I'm not 100% sure about dating a man with kids.  Talk about baggage - words like custody, child support and baby mama strike fear in my heart.  It would be fine if it was just the kid, but there is so much more attached.  The kid is like a constant reminder that the man has slept with another woman (I kind of like to imagine that I'm always his first - as he is mine, I don't want to picture my man with another woman).  He will always be linked to an ex (that obviously didn't work out) but it's always a danger of those old flames reigniting!  And god forbid he has custody (especially full custody) because try finding a free night where you can go out on a date.  Time suck with kids is huge - and that's fine if the the kid is yours - but if it's not and you are trying to start (and/or maintain a relationship it's difficult).

The Psych Patient
You know the guy who carries more baggage than could fit in a normal sized home - yeah, that guy is always available for you!  Now, I'm not one to distract attention or dis anyone with mental illness (as I suffer myself) but this guy has more baggage and issues than even a psychiatrist could treat.  He could be neurotic, or super type A.  Any crap he has is his own and you really don't want to get involved.

The Picky Bastard
This guy is 30+ too, and honestly every minute we get older our available dating pool is getting smaller and smaller.  Think, in college and your early 20's your dating pool was Olympic sized, now we are looking at one of those cheap plastic kiddie pools you throw in the backyard and they get all scummy after the water has been in them too long (yes, do you get the methophore now!)  Anyway, the Picky Bastard is still acting like he's swimming in the Olympic pool and can pick and chose off the checklist in his head.  Note, you usually will get "dumped" by this guy for something off his list

The Cub
Ugh, I hate to admit this - but I guess I'm considered a "young" cougar.  EWWWW.  But I can count on both my hands and feet the number of YOUNG boys who have contacted me and wanting to date an older woman.  Just the whole idea seems a bit creepy to me.  I can handle a couple of years younger and a couple of years older - but once you get over 5 years age difference there can be some major issues!  He might not even know the Thong Song, while many of us rocked that out in school.

The (Seriously) Older Man
Like i said, I don't mind guys a couple of years older, but when you get over 10 years older it gets a little much.  Men already have a life expectancy shorter than woman.  I don't want to marry a guy, then have him croak and have to deal with all that.  Or god forbid, he's just looking at you as a trophy wife. 

Honesty IS the best Policy

Boys (and girls too), let me give you a single piece of advice.  Just be honest.  Especially in dating.

Let your intentions be known up front.  If you just want to fuck some girl, and not date her - tell her.  Honestly.  You know what - girls just want to fuck for fun sometimes too.  And she just might be down with it.  Sometimes a fuck buddy situation is exactly what we want.

But if you want to just fuck some girl and not actually have any type of relationship with her - tell her that too.  Don't yank someone's chain and tell them you are actually interested in more than her naughty bits when you really aren't.  You are just leaving yourself open for a whole lot of bitching, crying and carrying on. 

So guys (and girls again) just tell the person (equal opportunity here) what you want and what you are looking for.  Give the other person the change to say yes or no. 

We are a sexting nation - or so they say.

So, I have some friends that also have blogs.  Their blogs are based on things like wine or dogs or whatever.  And you know what they get?  Free shit.  Like wine, or dog toys.  You know what I get?  Emails about some info graphic that someone wants me to post.  Yeah, fine, fine. I actually found this one interesting - but I want to start getting cool things like sex toys or free condoms.  You hear that people?!? 

Anyway, this came in my email the other day... From a strange place called NY Asian Out Call.  Turns out they are basically an Asian escort service in NYC.  According to them, they have a "Wide selection of well educated Asian girls offering high classic Asian companion. We have Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Thai and Singagore college students. They are young, and passionate. Don’t Hestiate Call now." 

I'm not 100% sure why they are sending me a rather neat info graphic, except other than to advertise their services.  so here you go! I have to admit though I can be a big sexter (if that's even a word) so I thought some of these were interesting statistics. 

** On a side note, I do not, nor would I ever endorse illegal activities **

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Image Source: NY Outcall