Lies we tell...

Did you know that today - 30 April - is National Honesty Day.  Yeah, don't ask me who came up with this day to be "celebrated" but we do.  Granted, I'm not sure any holiday where we don't get work off really desrves to be called a holiday - but that's neither here nor there.

** And as a side note, I looked it up, just for my own satisfaction.  National Honesty Day was "developed" by M. Hirsh Goldberg (former Press Secretary to a Maryland Govenor) in the early 1990's after he spent four years researching and writing "The Book of Lies" **


So, in "honor" of National Honesty Day, here is a list of the Top 10 Lies that both Men and Women tell. 

Top 10 Lies MEN tell

1. “I don’t have a girlfriend/wife.” Humm, sure.  And that tan line on your ring finger is just a dirt spot. 

2. “I’m not drunk.” Ha, I'm not drunk - but I can't walk straight and I don't know my full name.  But no, you aren't drunk...  It's really ok to admit that you are drunk.

3. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” Translation: “I’m not looking for a relationship with YOU right now.” That’s OK. We’re on to the next one.  Oh yeah.   Just be honest douchebag.  I also like the, "I'm just looking for sex" after looking at my picture - just tell me you aren't attracted to me.

4. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Suck it up dude, you are already talking about it.  Lets just finish this conversation and get it over with.

5. “I’m not interested in you just for the sex.”  See, #3.  So you don't want to go out to dinner, but you are not just interested in me for sex?  Humm....

6. “I always wear a condom.” Never, never, ever, ever trust a man who uses the word "always"  Wrap it up until you prove to me (via doctor's note) that you are disease free!

7. “I’m leaving her for you.” Bullshit, he will NEVER leave you for her.  So, if you want to be the other woman, just keep on fucking him.

8. “I’ll call you.” I believe it when I "hear" the phone ring.

9. “I don’t think she’s that pretty.” Keep on lying like this - tell me she's ugly!  Make me feel good.

10. “I don’t watch porn.” Nope and neither do I.

Top 10 Lies WOMEN tell

1. ”I’ve slept with [X] guys.” You know that double standard, guys can sleep with everyone (and everything they want) and yet girls get judged for sleeping with more than one man - suck it up guys...  girls like sex too. 

2. “That was great.” Yeah, sex is great... most of the time.  A woman's body is damn complicated, and not every time can be amazing.  But we know better than to tell guys that ever time wasn't stellar - we can't hurt your delicate ego guys.

3. ”I have never nor would I ever cheat on you.” Humm, lying happens.  Cheating happens.  Don't promise something you can't do.

4. “I weight [X].” Weight means so very little (coming from a fat girl!)  You can look good and yet the numbers on the scale make you "look" fat.  Don't be so obsessed with numbers.

5. “Sure, you can call me.” and sure, I reserve the right to NOT pick up.

6. “I’ll be ready in a minute.”   If a minute means more like an hour.  Hey you want us to look good, looking good takes time.  Suck it up boys.

7. “I don’t know.” Sometimes we don't want to tell you what we know. 

8. “That was delicious!” Hey, we are good with giving compliments - even if you don't deserve them.  Keep cooking - it saves us time.

9. “I’m fine.” I use this one all the time.  I'm fine, which means I don't want to talk about it.
10. “It was on sale.” It wasn’t. Deal with it.

Grandma's LOVE the Kardashian sex tape.

I love old people, and I love hilarious old people.  And these Grandma types are awesome.  Check out this video as the women watch the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape for the first time.

This video is 100% clean (amazing for me!) and they've bleeped all the "bad" words out so it's even safe for work!

Massage Van

I'm a huge fan of food trucks.  I love the idea that good food can be mobile and come to you.  It's great.  I think it's also a good idea as people branch out the truck trend and start to bring mobile services to us. 

But I think I'm going to have to draw the line here.  To convert a "rape van" into a portable massage van just seems like a recipe for disaster. 

But hey, $40 for a massage is not a bad deal.  If they come by my office I might have to seriously think about it.

Ooops. Man spies his wife in online porn

A man in Egypt was surfing the internet for porn - normal enough.  But as he was perusing the available "films" he noticed that the woman in the porn was his wife.  Yes, his wife.  And not just one video - the man found her in ELEVEN films. 

According to eyewitness reports, this man was looking at porn for the first time (bullshit) and when he noticed his wife he collapsed to the floor in shock at the Internet cafe where he was looking at said porn.  First, of course this wasn't the guys first time looking at porn and seriously what the hell was he doing looking at porn at an internet cafe!

The man - of course - confronted his wife.  She totally denied the existence of such porn.  But when shown the video (stupid bitch!) she had to admit defeat. 
Confessing to the sex tape, his wife said that her partner was an old boyfriend and she never actually loved the husband (with whom she'd been married for 16 years and had four children). 

Moral of the story, if you want to do porn, knock yourself out.  Just don't keep it a secret - someone is bound to find your scenes someday and it's an ugly confrontation that you just don't need to have.

Craig's List Ad of the Day - Thumb Fetish?

Eating lunch and browsing Craigs List - it's one of my favorite past times.  I have a definite pattern - I look at the pets section first (not that I need another dog - but always good to look), then if I have time I move on over to the Men for Women section.  I'm really looking for "normal" guys that might want to chat, but I always tend to find the crazy. 

Today's.... a man who has a SERIOUS thumb fetish,  Yes, thumbs.  Now, I have to hope that this guy is just posting this to get a rise out of people (I may have done that myself before...) but you never know.  So I present, Thumb Boy...

Quick AND easy abs

Hint guys.... Girls love built guys.  But I know, it's a lot of work. 

I'm here to provide you a quick and easy short cut. Check out the ABhancer.  You can get a 6 pack in SECONDS.  Just wrap the ABhancer around your stomach and poof... in seconds you have a great 6 pack!

Alcohol and IQ. Booze actually makes men starter - no shit!

Earlier this week I posted about drinks that men should never order.  But I never thought I would say that you should actually drink!  I've never been a huge proponent of drinking.  Sure it helps you escape - but it's only temporary and the next day you feel like shit (or at least I do)....

But shit, a new study from the University of Illinois at Chicago psychologists found that alcohol actually makes people smarter.  Yeah, believe it or not - booze actually boosts people creative problem-solving skills. 

40 young men were tested.  20 were required to stay sober (yeah, those unlucky bastards!) and 20 were "required" to drink until their blood alcohol level was 0.07 - 0.01 short of what most states consider intoxicated.  The drunk guys solved 40% more of the brainteasers given -- and in a faster time than the sober men.  (Granted, the sober guys might just have been pissed they weren't supposed to drink!)

So, do you need to do some problem solving - drink up bitches!