Thursday, September 25, 2014

Pickup lines you could ONLY use online

We all know online dating is a whole different world with different rules, customs and everything.  Hell, it is like a whole different country.  So when I found this list of Pickup lines you can only use online on BuzzFeed (probably one of my top 5 favorite sites!), I figured I should share and give you my obnoxious opinion of each!

1.  "I'm a freak between the spreadsheets."
Seriously, this one could work only if you are a financial analyst, an accountant or the similar.  But a freak between the spreadsheets... I don't know, the world "spread" also strikes me as a wee bit off.  But that's me - and right now I'm slightly intoxicated.

2. "Want to check out my website? It's howaboutyou dot com-back-to-my-place."
OK, first off... I'm under the huge assumption that you are joking and this isn't a real website....  But god forbid, you never know!  That could could be their website.  Hell, look at my blog.  Although, that might backfire, because the way I write on here is bit of an exaggerated view of myself.

3.  "Do you have hotmail?.... Want one?"
First off, if someone asks you if you have a hotmail account, you know they aren't one of those crazy millennials - How long has it been since hot mail has been a real option.  Hell, most of those kids would have NO idea what you were talking about anyway.

4. "I don't want to B , but how about we meet IRL?"
oh shit, now I'm not only showing my age but my complete lack of technical progress.  I have no idea what this means.... but Im sure it's funny :)

5.  "You must be my Netflix app, because I want to stay up aaaaallll night watching you."
I don't know... this one is kind of creepy, no one wants some creepily watching you sleep all night.  But that's just me

6.  "Meeting you was F8"
Again, I'm showing my freaking age, I assume "F8" is shorthand for fate - but is it really worth skipping just TWO letters.  While I'm sure fate has something to do with love, it sure hasn't helped e yet!

7.  I'd like to watch you CAPS LOCK AND DROP IT"
No complaints here, I actually kind of like this one.

8. "You auto-complete me."
Again, as someone who has a love-hate affair is autocomplete, I kind of like this one too.  Yes.... It's corny, but it's kind of cute.

9. "Is your name Candy Crush? Because I'm completely addicted to you."
ugh, seriously?!?



Monday, September 22, 2014

What does that sock mean??

I just came across this list on funnyordie and thought it was funny (I guess that's better than dying... as the site seems to imply that it has to be funny or you die... ok - bad joke, but I tried)

I never put a sock on my door handle in college to indicate I was doing the nasty.  Hell, I will fully admit that I was completely celibate during college (but that's another story, and the celibacy was not my choice... it just happened that way.) 

So, for those lucky enough to be having sex in a place where someone else could enter, roommates, parents, etc (you never know).  Use this handy guide for what each style of sock means.


Signal: Ratty sock
Translation: “I’m having terrible sex.”

Signal: Sock with a hole in it
Translation: “I’m having sex and the condom broke.”

Signal: Inside-out sock
Translation: “I’m masturbating.”

Signal: Two inside-out socks
Translation: “I’m masturbating. Join me.”

Signal: Argyle sock
Translation: “I’m having sex with someone who speaks in a Cockney accent, but they’re really hot, so I put up with it.”

Signal: Hanging gym sock
Translation: “I’m having sex with the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

Signal: Striped sock
Translation: “I’m having sex with a biracial partner and/or zebra.”

Signal: Sock with monocle attached
Translation: “I’m having classy sex on top of leather-bound books.”

Signal: Muppets sock
Translation: “I’m having sex while thinking of wholesome puppets from my childhood to keep from ejaculating too quickly.”

Signal: Sock with a lump of coal in it
Translation: “I’ve been a bad lover this year.”

Monday, September 15, 2014

Thats so cliche... pictures on personals


I think I’ve mentioned it here before, but I’m back dating and back to searching online through hundreds of online personals.  In an earlier post, I wrote (complained) about the first cliche picture.  But I figured I might as well write another post categorizing all of the pictures of men I see online dating.  It’s pretty funny how much most of the pictures fall into these 10 general categories like there is a to do list.
1.     
   The TIGER/ANIMAL picture
Here I mentioned how a disproportionate amount of men have a picture with a tiger.   But I’m going to expand on it here.  Think all kinds of exotic animals.  Yes, you are manly and I see you can travel and get to see exotic places – but the picture just seems so cliché.  While not one of the worst, the tiger/animal picture is a little nuts. 
  
 Car pic
Yup, That’s him next to a car.  Good for him, he’s got a fancy dude car.  But I hate to burst his bubble, there aren’t many girls that are super impressed by a guy’s car.  A lot of us prefer you have a nice(r) car, but many (or most) don’t give two shits how much power is under your hood.  In fact…  sometimes your car has the OPPOSITE effect.  Boys, sometimes we see your cars as something you are using to compensate for something missing in your life, if you catch my drift.

3Girl cut out pic
One of my favorites…. You have obviously cropped out or even worse, just scribbled out another woman in your picture.  It might be your mom, it might be your sister or a friend, but we can only assume that it was your ex.  Do you really not have any other pictures where it’s just you?  Because guys, we don’t want to know what your ex looked like.  We will be constantly comparing ourselves to her and obsessively thinking about if we are better (or maybe that’s just me, but I can’t be the only one!  I’m thinking, next time you are with someone… anyone, just ask them nicely if they can take a quick picture with your cell phone, that picture will be 100 times better than one where you cut some bitch out 

  Bathroom selfie
We’ve all seen them and most of us have done it (you know you have).  The dreaded bathroom selfie.  I understand, the mirror is in there and in the bathroom you are often feeling your best, after you’ve showered, for the girls… after we’ve gotten our hair and makeup all perfect.  Hell, I know a lot of guys who are happiest after they’ve dropped a deuce (yes, I just went there).  While not the worst of the cliché photos, when you are going for the bathroom selfie try to make sure that the mirror is clean, that the toilet isn’t obvious and keep watch of what kind of strange grooming things are visible. 

5.       Gym selfie
I’m glad you work out.  I’m really happy that you go to the gym and take care of your body.  But there is something so cliché about the picture of you… standing in the mirror flexing your muscles.  Maybe it’s just me, but when I make it to the gym (which admittedly isn’t all that often these days), I want to get my workout in and get the hell out.  I’m not concentrating on the perfect angle that makes my pecs look good (and yes… I know girls don’t have pecs)

6.       Travel pic
First off, let me admit that I’m not a huge traveler, so your fancy travel pictures aren’t going to impress me.  It just seems that everyone visits the same big locales… you see the same background over and over.  Then again…. Maybe I just don’t know about some fancy photo place that has a green screen where you can photoshop yourself into all the known travel hotspots.  But… you do get SERIOUS negative points for doing the stupid hand gestures or body positions.  You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.  Trying to “push” up the leaning tower of Pisa or pretending the Washington Monument is a monster dick.

7.       INSIDE car pic
I can’t say too much about this picture – because I’m guilty of it too.  But it’s definitely one of those cliché pictures.  What is it that motivates us to take a picture of us while we are behind the wheel?  (God forbid you aren’t driving – but sometimes I’m not sure that’s the case!!) 

8.       Running/Tough Mudder race
These days running is THE thing.  I don’t know when it happens, but at some point in aging everyone decides they want to run, and run they do.  Either in some race where they run through the mud, run for some charity or run through some crazy colored “smoke.”  Again, like the gym selfie, I’m glad you work out…

9.       The Group picture
You know the picture.  It’s him and a bunch of his “dudes.”  When you first see it, you have a sharp intake of breath and your heart skips a beat.  Wow, that guy is H-O-T, HOT…. And then you look at his second picture.  Oh shit, he’s the UGLY friend (or just not so good looking one).  Part of you considers messaging him and asking him if his hot friend is single, but that’s just bitchy.  But you know you think about it.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Look it's me!.... With a freaking tiger!!!



Looking through online personals ads can be quite an experience.  There are a couple of "typical" pictures that you always see.... Someday I will write another blog post and categorize these pictures. 

But today... it's all about the TIGERS.

What the frick?  How many guys have seriously met and hung out with and hold a tiger, a lion or similar animal?  From what I see on the online personals - it's a huge percentage of men. 

I cannot explain the phenomenon --- but there are a ton of guys who have held a tiger or lion -- usually a cub. And of course got a great photo op of that experience and if they've had it... they put it on their profile!

I'm sure that guys are trying to portray the tough man image.  Look at me, I'm hot shit because I held a tiger.  Can you say you've held a tiger?!?  I can, I know you want to date me NOW.   

And yes... all these pictures were captured today during a 30 min quick look through of okcupid. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Subtle (or not so subtle) ways guys ask for head.

I know this might be a shocker, but men love a bjow job... head, BJ, etc (feel free to help by utilizing my comments on this post to prove more names for this action). 

I have never met a guy who wouldn't choose (above all else) to have a blow job.  Granted, there are some girls who really suck at it, or at least so I've heard.  I haven't had any complaints, but I'm not sure any guy would complain about a half decent BJ.

But as women, we have lives.  We aren't available 100% of the time to pleasure our Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now.  But that doesn't stop a guy from asking...  So According to The Frisky, there are "blowjob-hinting strategies" to get your woman to go down on you...

1. Asking you to “just kiss it real quick.” uh huh.  Sure.  Real quick will turn into, right now, don't stop doing that.  Don't stop!
 
2. Pulling his pants down and showing you his hard cock. The very subtle approach.  I'm not sure why guys think just whipping it out and showing us is the way to get it done. 
 
3. Putting on a record that you blew him to once, as if you’ll hear it and automatically open wide. Ahh, men... you are such creatures of habit.
 
4. Lovingly moving your head down that direction while you’re sitting on the couch watching TV. Hate this.  Do no force my hand (or head)... if anything that's going to make me want you less.
 
5. Suggesting that you 69 (or slowly contorting into the 69 position while going down on you). Yup, because we know it should be always about him.
 
6. Asking you to “make it wet” before you fuck. Sorry darling.  Us girls produce enough wetness to take care of this "problem"
 
7. Putting his fingers in your mouth and talking about how “hot” and “wet” your mouth is. Bonus points for the fact that you don't know when he last washed those fingers and where they have been since then.  Please stick them in my mouth!
 
8. Announcing that he has an erection. Just like that.
 
9. Putting his penis near your face while you’re sorting laundry, taking out the trash, or any low-to-the-ground activity.  Why do guys think that just showing or poking you with you makes  you want to play?
 
10. Luring you into the bedroom because he has “something important to tell you,” when really it’s his dick that wants to tell you something. OK, this isn't that bad.
 
11. Telling you he’s been “thinking about your lips all day.” Again, not bad.  I might bite here.
 
12. Making you a cheese plate and pouring you a bottle of wine to “help you relax” (code for “give head”). Well, hey... if he's going to do something for me first..
 
13. Touching himself while longingly staring at your mouth.  Hey Capt. Obvious... it's not gonna happen.

 Now with all that dont' get me wrong.  I love to give head, but I don't like being forced to do so.  If you ever force my head down and just stick it in my face, you are probably not only not going to get it tonight, but I'm going to rethink blowing it every time I see it again.

The moral of the story.  Make it seem like it's OUR idea to blow you.  That's going to get you every time.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

The finger test.... for fertility?!?

As I've gotten older I can detect a wedding ring in 0.05 seconds flat.  I've become an expert at catching only a quick glimpse or the very slight reflection of ring that yells to me.... DANGER!!  DANGER!!  Do not Approach. 

But....

Little did I know that finger can also give me some insight into his junk.  So now I have another reason to examine random guys' hands.  Hell, with a long metro ride every morning I have a lot of time to look at random mans' hands. 

Turns out, according to some South Korean researchers, the length of a man's index finger compared to his ring finger is an indicator of his testicle size (for technical terms)... And apparently testicle "volume" indicates better fertility.  I don't know, I'm just reporting the news, not coming up with it myself!

These "researchers" from the Department of Urology at Gachon University Hospital looked at 172 Korean men aged 20 to 69.  They found that men with a ring finger longer than the index finger on their RIGHT hand indicated larger testicles.  Apparently the Hox gene effects both finger and genital development.  And bigger balls means more spermies. (not technical terms!)

So... take it as you will.  If you are looking for a fertile guy, see if his ring finger is longer than his index finger.  Conversely, if you aren't looking for a fertile man, go for the short ring finger. 

Good Luck.  Maybe we should all start carrying a little ruler to see if potential dates "measure up"

Monday, September 1, 2014

Who pays!?!?

So I'm back dating... again... and I will have to say that I'm not a huge fan of first (or second or third...) dates.  I don't like the getting to know each other part.  But then again, I'm not very good with change.  I like to have someone who I just connect with at a deep level without much work. 

(crazy enough, with my last relationship it only took a single look for me to know that we had something, alas, it wasn't meant to last... but we never had those awkward silences or quiet moments)

But, I'm back dating and the absolute worst part of the date is when it comes that time for the check to come.  That terrfying moment when the waiter sets down that fake leather folder.  I never know what to do.  Do I offer to pay half, some, or all of the check?  Do I even mention it at all?  Ugh, I hate it. 

On today's date I let him pay the check at the resterant (not even offering), but then we went to Starbucks and I insisted on paying there.  I hope I made the right call, and I think it's a very personal thing.  Some men take offense to a woman offering, some men take offense to a woman NOT offering.  You really can't win, and that's only on the first date.

How about dates 2, 3.... 10? 

So, what do you do?

There is the philopsophy that because women spend much more money making themselves "datable" we shouldn't have to pay.  Looking good is expensive... Think about all the extra money we have to spend on accessories, hair care, makeup... etc.  The list is extensive.  I would dare say that it's much more expensive to be a woman in general than it is a man... but there are obviously exceptions to that rule. 

I found on NBC that in the dating group of 35 and under (I still have one more year!), nearly 66% of women offer to pay for dates, but of those 39% hope the man turns down the offer and 44% are annoyed if he takes her up on the offer. 

But what about guys?  Are they going to take offense or even be put off if a woman offers to pay?  More than 75% of men say they feel guilty about a woman chippping in for the date.  And that leads to the bad part.... 16% of men believe that if he pays the woman owes him sexual favors (ugh!  OWES him?!?).  But in the lovely millenials (21 and under), a whopping 21% of "boys" believe that a woman should put out if he pays ... Remind me not to date a guy who is 21 (then again, I'm not looking to be a cougar anytime soon).  When it comes to women, roughly one third believe that offering to pay decreases the pressure to have sex.  Seriously?!?  I have never felt pressure to put out because some guy paid for my dinner.  I'm surprised the number is so high

I'm not sure there is a good answer, or if we will ever come up with one.  Until then I will continue to make that awkward lean towards the check or offer to split, if I can get it out through my panic attack of the bill being set down.