Bitch is lying... How to catch her (or him)

We all lie.  It's a fact of life.  It can be a little white lie to spare someone's feelings or a big whopper.  Some of you all might be great lie detectors, but if you are like me (and possibly the most gullible person in the world), you might learn something by these four common ways to see if a person is lying.

1.  Staring too hard into your eyes.

2.  A typically-fidgety person sits still

3.  Covering up or concealing your teeth.

4.   Smiling too quickly or under strange circumstances.

So if the girl tells you she will call you back, staring into your eyes, a huge smile AND covering up her mouth while sitting very still... you are basically fucked and might want to start looking for another woman.  Good Luck.

Booze Myths

OK, since tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I have a feeling many of you will be drinking until you fall over and totally miss the change from 2011 to 2012.  But, at least you can be educated about alcohol!  All those wise tails you've heard over the years, turns out they are false, and probably just some asshole trying to either justify his/her drinking or trying to scare people away from drinking.  So... read on and learn ... As usual, the Washingtonian's real research/study/article is first in normal type and my opinions (for what that means) follow in italic.

1) “I’m taking it easy tonight—I’ll just have a few beers and be fine.” FALSE.
According to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, standard drinks—a 12-ounce beer, a 5-ounce glass of wine, and 1½ ounces of distilled spirits—all contain 1/6 ounce of alcohol. “People may be fooled into thinking they are drinking less alcohol than they really are, but the truth is all these drinks contain the same amount,” says Hanson. And they all read the same on a breathalyzer.
Ya'll should know this one already.  No matter what you drink, spirits (strange word that I'm not a fan of), beer or wine you can still get toasted.  Now, how many people actually believe or get one 12-oz beer, 5-oz glass of wine or 1.5 oz of liquor per serving?  And dude, a 20 oz beer is NOT one serving.  It may be one beer, but it's not one serving.  Same does for a Long Island Ice Tea.

2) “Beer before liquor, never been sicker.” FALSE.
“There a bunch of these sayings, and all of them are absolutely untrue,” says Hanson. “It’s not what you drink, it’s how much you drink.” Since all standard drinks (Long Island Iced Teas excluded) contain the same amount of alcohol, there’s really no difference between a shot of tequila and a glass of Chardonnay.
Really?   This one I thought was totally true!  I don't know a person who doesn't at least know this "rule" if not abide by it.  So there you go... Start the night off with liquor (when you can taste the more expensive stuff), have your champagne at midnight, and then switch to the cheap beer when you can't taste it any more.  Now, if you are drinking all that you deserve to spend New Year's Day over the toilet... but don't blame the mix of alcohols!

3) I’ve had one drink per hour, so I can drive. MAYBE.
“The body typically metabolizes the alcohol in a standard drink at a rate of one drink per hour,” says Hanson. “If you’ve consumed only one drink per hour, you’d likely remain below the 0.08 legal limit.” Caution: That means you must wait one hour between each drink—having five cocktails at 7 PM doesn’t mean you can drive home by midnight. And since each body reacts differently to alcohol, we say play it safe and call a cab.
If you are drinking one drink per hour, you are sipping that mother fucker, and it's going to be piss warm by the time it's done.  Oh, wait.  That's just one drink per hour - it doesn't have to be consumed IN the hour.  Duh :)  Just don't be stupid, take a ride or a cab and don't risk the other people on the road please.

4) If I only drink clear beverages, I won’t get a hangover. TRUE (mostly).
Martini drinkers, rejoice! “A hangover is more likely to occur with darker beverages,” says Hanson. This is likely due to the toxic byproducts known as congeners that occur when aging spirits in casks or fermenting grains. In a 2009 Brown University study, bourbon was found to contain 37 times as many congeners as vodka. “That’s only part of it, though; clear beverages still need to be consumed in moderation to avoid that hangover,” cautions Hanson.
Hot damn, a true one!  Dark Drinks = Dark Days the next day.  Turns out Loni Love is right when she says that dark liquor is the cause of world problems (Don't know Loni Love - look her up, she's hilarious!)  Now, I think I'm good with my choice of vodka or rum - yeah.  Oh and my serious downfall, martinis....

5) “I can’t drink Champagne—it just goes to my head! I’ll stick with wine.” TRUE.
Effervescent beverages are absorbed more quickly into the bloodstream, says Hanson. “If one person drinks white wine and one drinks Champagne, the Champagne drinker’s blood alcohol concentration will go up a little faster.” And according to a 2007 study by the University of Manchester, the effect is the same with distilled spirits mixed with carbonated beverages. Your best bet? Avoid the bubbly and choose a still mixer—or sip that vodka neat.
You aren't going to get me to skip my champagne!  I like the bubbles.  Of course, mixing champagne with a shot of amaretto might be by favorite.  So I'm doubly screwed, the bubbles from the champagne getting me fucked up faster and then the dark liquor causing hangovers.  Humm, screw it... I'll take the gamble.

6) It’s okay to mix alcohol with caffeine (i.e., Red Bull and vodka). PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.
“The problem with a drink like Red Bull is that it masks the perception of intoxication,” says Hanson. “Alcohol is a depressant, caffeine is a stimulant—they counteract each other.” As a result, Hanson says that mixing the two encourages over consumption. “These drinks are definitely undesirable when combined,” he says.
But it's so .... good!!  Say it ain't so.

7) Drinking a glass of water between drinks will keep me from getting drunk. MAYBE.
“It’s definitely a good practice—alcohol is a diuretic, and alternating drinks with water can help stave off dehydration,” says Hanson. But will it keep you from getting intoxicated? “Again, it really just comes down to how much you are drinking. It can help you pace yourself and drink more moderately.”
Who cares about water reducing intoxication, it's just good for you!  If you obsessively drink whatever liquid is around (like I do), a water is a good substitute between drinks.  Especially if you are so drunk the water still tastes like alochol!

8) I picked up a powder at the drugstore that totally cures hangovers. FALSE.
Drugstore remedies can treat your morning-after symptoms (nausea, headache, vomiting). A new, FDA-approved tablet called Blowfish contains aspirin, caffeine, and an antacid, but no hangover-eliminating miracle drug. The only foolproof cure? "Avoiding hangovers in the first place,” says Hanson.
What??  There isn't a magic pill?  That's BS. 

9) Having a full stomach will help slow down the alcohol absorption. TRUE.
“The best practice is to munch on snacks continuously while you are drinking,” says Hanson. “This keeps the alcohol from entering the intestines, which is where the absorption really speeds up.” Think of it as an excuse to loiter around the guacamole (as if you really needed one).
Continuous snacking, great for decreasing drunks, but lousy for the diet.  And if you are going to over consume the drinks, you might want to watch your food intake, because that shit comes right back up.  Guacamole, smooth and should come up just fine.  Those chips, on the other hand, could have sharp edges, and ouch!

10) He just needs to take a cold shower or slam a cup of coffee and he’ll sober right up. FALSE.
Unfortunately, none of the get-sober-quick methods truly work—not even Taco Bell. According to the Office of Alcohol and Drug Education at Notre Dame, only time will lower the body’s blood alcohol concentration. A person with a BAC of 0.20 who slams a cup of coffee will just be a wide-awake intoxicated person.
Taco Bell might not get you sober, but it's damn good. 

Shocker... Alochol leads to unsafe sex...

So... a new study has come out.  Believe it or not, drinking can lead to unsafe sex....  The study by the director of social and epidemiological research at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Ontario, Canada (sounds like a seriously uplifting job!)  The research conducted 12 experiments testing the relationship between alochol and HIV Infection. 

And here is the shocker - Alochol affects decision making and decision making decreases with the amount of alochol consumed.  Wow.  I just can't believe that.

For each 0.1 milligrams per milliliter increase in blood alcohol level, there was a 5 percent increase in a participant's likelihood of having unsafe sex.

So, please... but when you drink, remember a condom.  No glove, no love baby!

Like Cougars?

I hear it's all the rage these days... So for you cougar hunters out there, I have the perfect Christmas Present for you!

How about a nude Granny calendar.  Yes, it's the movie Calendar Girls in REAL life (and bonus points if you actually remember that movie).  So several Lake Helen, Florida women aged 44-87 were looking to raise more money for a new kitchen at their local American Legion Post.  The traditional bake sales just weren't cutting it. 

Of the "calendar girls" The oldest - Betty Pfahler at age 87 posed with a long white veil and a bouquet of flowers.  I must say she looks DAMN good for 87!

75 year old Nancy Roberts took on the Miss July role and sat on a tank while wearing nothing more than combat boots and a red white and blue scarf.

Sharon Cremen, 67, ditched her clothes in exchange for a box wrapped in a bow to become Miss December.


Cindy Thomas - Miss May was born with a bone disease and has Multiple Sclerosis that has left her in a wheel chair - she still posed!
For a $13 donation you can have the calendar!  And the first print of 200 done just before Thanksgiving have almost sold out.  Donations can be mailed to PO Box 884 Lake Helen, FL 32744. More information about obtaining a calendar is available by calling Pat Chadwick at 386-228-3695.


This is awesome and I'm damn proud of these ladies!

Take a deep whiff!

Something smell bad on your man - he might have an STD. 

Seriously!  A research study by the Institute of Cytology and Genetics in Russia - published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine declared that you can actually detect a man's STD through smell alone.  I would have to assume that women might be the same way - but they weren't studied.

So how did these Russians figure this out?  Well, easy... researchers took samples of armpit sweat by sewing cotton pads into t-shirts of 34 Russian guys aged between 17 and 25.  Of these men, 13 had gonorrhea, 16 were healthy, and the remaining 5 had successfully been treated.  18 women - aged 17 to 20 were asked to "sniff" the samples.  (YUM!)

The women ranked the men infected with gonorrhea less than half as high as healthy or recovered guys.  Women said that nearly 50% of the infected guys had "putrid" smelling sweat - not sure what the others were. 

What does this tell us?  Have your man raise if he's sure... If you are sure that he smells bad, pass on the sex.  Otherwise risk your sexual health, and we know how bad that is!

REALLY expensive sex.

And I'm not talking about the kind with a high class "escort!"

Louis Vuitton - the clothing/bag/fashion designer has come out with their own condoms.  Yes, condoms... fashion for your dick!

The wrapper comes in the signature Louis Vuitton fabric design, and the condom is in dark brown LV colors and "ribbed" with the LV Logo. 

So, how much will this piece of fashion for your cock cost?  Only $68!  Yup, happy expensive fucking.

Very Special Christmas Gifts for him

First off, I apologize for being MIA.  My last post was nearly a month ago - ouch!  Sorry...

But I promise this one is a good one!

So what should you get for you man for the bedroom this christmas.  Well, maybe this is a shouldn't get... but you gotta admit it's fun and they'd be GREAT gag gifts that could lead to some fun as well.

#1. XMAS Tuggie.
Does your man have a problem with getting a bit too cold in the winter?  Does the shrinkage really bother you?  Oh, wow.... the people who brought us the snuggie have done it again.  The X-Mas Tuggie!  The Tuggie is a great little "pocket blanket" to keep that dick nice and warm all winter long.
It's just $9.99 at Spencers

#2 Reindeer Musical G-String - for men
Just in case you ave a need for your man's cock to have a red light up bulb at the end, this is YOUR gadget.  And bonus that it plays music!  And lets be serious - even the model in the picture can't keep a straight face. 
$12.95 at Abcunderwear.com - but note, it's a one size fits all - so this could be dangerous.  And warning, at the site you will have to be put on backorder, because this is out of stock - yes, believe it.




#3 Kinky Christmas Kit
If you are feeling the need to be on the naughty side, go for the Kinky Christmas Kit.  It comes with a blindfold, cheesy (in my opinion) ribbon "handcuffs" a teeny whip, lube and a small vibe.  If you want to get into bondage, buy the real stuff, not some cheesy kit.

#4 I Rub My Duckie

Nothing new here, I've seen the vibrating rubber duckie "toy" before.  But this one is dressed in his christmas best.  And BONUS points for it looking like a kids toy that can sit in your bathroom and be totally inconspicuous.  Really, your mom could find this and think nothing of it, but she would flip if she found your big ass vibe (trust me, I've been there!)

#5 Santa Vibe
Just in case you have SERIOUS issues, this vibe is for you.  I'm not sure about sticking Santa up my snatch.  Does that mean you are naughty or nice?

You'll find him when you aren't looking. You have lots of time...

Have you heard that BS before?  Oh, you KNOW I have.  I've mentioned before that I'm from the midwest and being single at my age in midwest standards is not exactly kosher.  I know multiple people that I went to High School with who are on their second marriage.  Not that I have ANY problem with that, but dang, I haven't found a first husband let a alone a second! 

This all reminds me of some things my mother used to always say to me. 

First, during college I had a lack luster social life.  Not through any fault of my own.  My small college was heavily weighted with females (most going for their MRS degree).  After a rough relationship in high school, I wasn't really obsessed with looking for a man - in fact it wasn't as important as school to me.  That's what I was there for, right?  I've always been a pretty focused individual.  But the fact that I was single always crossed my mind.  My mom would OFTEN tell me that my cousin T didn't meet his wife until they were late in college.  I cannot tell you how many times she told me that over my college career - to give me hope. 

Moving on to post college...

My mom again, trying to give me advice, always reminded me about my cousin C and how he's still single, over 30 and how I will for sure beat him to the alter because he never wants to get married.  Umm, three years ago, C got married... now has 3 kids.

Well, shit.

My mom has given up.  There are no more cousins to compare me to.  Everyone is married and she can't justify my single-ness anymore.  I just say, thank god my younger brother (by four years) hasn't gotten married yet.  Then I'd feel really bad.

Do I really care about still being single?  Yes and no.  Yes, it would be great for someone to share my life with (and help with the damn mortgage payment and all the rest of the bills!)  No, I'm not sure if I could live with someone after living on my own for nearly 10 years.  Besides, who wants to live in my complete and utter mess? 

But my poor Mom, she can't justify to her sisters anymore why the only girl in the family is still single.  Sometimes I think they all just resort to thinking I might be a lesbian as justification - umm, I'm not.  But that might be easier for them to justify than a SINGLE heterosexual girl. 

Cooking with Cum

OK, this made me laugh so hard I have tears streaming down my face.  I cannot help but share a REAL book out there called "Natural Harvest: A Collection of semen-based recipes."

I only WISH I was making this up.  But it's true. 

According to the author, Fotie Photenhauer,

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

So, for $24.95 plus shipping, in 3-5 business days you can start cooking!  Just let me know if you do try any of these recipes, so I can seriously avoid your cooking.

Looking to NOT get laid?

Yes, it's a fact.  Most of us are looking to get laid.  Whether you are in a bar at last call or in a long term relationship and just looking to get your fill. 

So what kills the mood?  Yes, poor sex etiquette (mostly on the guys side, of course) on Thefrisky.com will kill a mood in seconds flat.

1.  Trying out a kink without asking.  Kinky shit is good, it provides for extra excitement in the bedroom.  But if you are kinky and want to try it out, discuss it first!  Don't just whip out handcuffs and cuff her (or me) to the bed without clearing it first.  Hell, you might be one of those wack-jobs that will cuff a bitch up and leave her there!  Or god forbid you have a really out there kink (like golden showers) and you just go for it. . . . Seriously guys, there is a lot of weird stuff out there.  We might be into it, but if you just start peeing on us - don't expect to get a call back (well, that is unless she finds it sexual stimulating, but the odds are NOT in your favor).  Ask first.

2.  Talking about your sex life with an ex.  Yes, we all have ex's.  And yes, the likelihood that we slept with them (and even had a good time doing so) is highly likely.  But we don't want to know how SHE showed you that move that drives us wild.  We would rather assume that it just came to you in a dream - or at least think that it did.  Yes, we want to know your general history, your health history related to STD's etc, but we DON'T want the details.  You know why?  Jealousy.

3.  Not offering a tissue to wipe up your spunk.  There is a lot of that spunk that just "happens" during sex.  It can be splattered anywhere.  But if you leave us with it dripping down on our face or body and don't offer to clean up YOUR mess, we are not going to be happy.  It's not the most attractive stuff in the world, so guys... take the initiative and take care of your mess.

4.  Dirty Sheets Guys (and some non-domestically inclined women like me) can go a hot second without washing their sheets.  But while you sleep, all kinds of things can happen - sweat, slothing of skins cells, wet dreams.  The last thing that anyone wants is to be rolling around in all that stuff (even if you can't see it).  Sex is dirty enough, keep the sheets clean.  And god forbid, if you aren't exactly monogamous, no one wants to lay on sheets that someone else has already been naked on. 

5.  Recycling Sex Toys  We all might have our arsenal of "feel good" items.  It's totally ok!  But if you think  you are going to stick that thing in me that you've already had in another woman - you have something coming to you.  I don't give a shit if you've washed and sanitized it.  It was in someone else.  See #2, we don't want to think about you with another woman.  Sex toys are great, but they are for one person.  Keep it that way.  If you are concerned about spending a lot of money on one and not getting your usage out of it.. .. maybe you should buy something cheaper (and more disposable!)

6.  Coming on face or in mouth without asking.  In my experience, guys love cumming in your mouth or performing their special "facial."  That's fine - sex is all about pleasing your partner - sometimes at your own expense!  But if you dare squirt one out on my face or in my mouth without first warning me - you got something coming to you.  Remember, that little member is rather delicate - and it's either in my mouth or awfully close.  One decent bite can cause a lot of pain.  A lot of pain.

7.  Not having any condoms on hand and saying "It's ok, I'll pull out."  I cannot believe guys still use this excuse.  Pulling Out is NOT an effective form of birth control nor is it safe!  Pulling out means  you were in me and all kinds of shit can live on that cock of yours.  If you don't have condoms (or girls, if you don't keep them in YOUR drawer for safety sake) you probably shouldn't be having sex at all!

8.  Not offering sleepwear.  Now, I'm not all that educated on this one.  And I fully admit that I don't think a man has ever offered me sleepwear - granted, I haven't stayed over often either.  But it makes sense, no one wants to sleep in that LBD that has been bunched at the bottom of the bed.

9.  Ruining Clothing.  Clothes are not cheap these days.  And especially if we are wearing our best to impress you.  Do not rip my clothes when you are undressing - it's ok to figuratively rip them off, but please keep them intact.  If you room is nasty, offer us a clean place to put our clothes.

10.  Not spending the night.  Don't assume that you can stay the night.  I once had a guy come over, with a backpack ready to spend the night - it was NOT discussed and I felt totally put out.  Don't assume anything when it comes to sex, you are just looking for trouble.

Strange Sex Laws.

A friend of mine posted these on facebook the other day, and I just had to share.  And you know I'm not going to stay silent on my own opinions or thoughts on these as well.

Strange Sex Laws.
1.  Oral Sex is illegal in 18 states, including Arizona. 
We are talking blow jobs right?  18 states, means there are thousands upon thousands of women who would love to use this against their husbands/boyfriends.  And many many men who would love to use this as an excuse to not go down on a woman.  So what's the penalty?

2.  In Virginia, it is illegal to have sex with the lights on.
Well, shit.  Guess I've been highly illegal!  What fun is it to not see what you are doing.  Groping around and grabbing a finger or a toe instead of a cock.  Hey, it happens!

3.  Sexual intercourse between an unmarried couple is illegal in Georgia.
Ha, maybe that's why the South has just low ages of consent!

4. It is illegal for husbands in Willowdale, Oregon to talk dirty during intercourse.
But it's ok to do so with you boyfriend, just keep an extra (or two) on the side if you like that kind of thing.

5.  Engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal in Washington D.C.
Uh, oh.  What would Bill Clinton say??

6.  In Connorsville, Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner is having an orgasm.
Seriously, what the fuck prompted this kind of law?  Is the man shooting (the gun!) at the woman - because then at least she is dying happy.

7.  In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tool booth.
Guess someone on the Pena Turnpike took a very interesting break and failed to collect tolls - if anyone has been on the Pena Turnpike they need all those tools for all the damn road construction they are CONSTANTLY doing.

8.  Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal in Florida.
Ouch, nothing more needs to be said.  Ouch

9.  It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin before the age of 65.
Because if you hit the age of 65 and you are still single, pickings are limited.  Those Mormons are serious about their marriage after all. 

10.  Sex with animals is perfectly legal for men in Washington state, as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds.
Sex with a chicken, fine.  Sex with a horse (or donkey!), not fine.  But if it's questionable, make sure to ask her weight.  Some of those animals can be tricky. 

Keeping Score

So, this morning on my way into work I heard the radio DJ's talking about a new product called the Tally-Man.  See video below:

The Tally-man helps you "keep score"  in the bedroom.  You know, how many Orgasms each partner has.  Now if this is a real product, I'm not sure.  I couldn't find it referenced anywhere on the Interwebs, except thefisky.com who originally wrote the article.  But the idea still remains.

And for one, I cannot believe that couples desire such a product, or keep score.  Isn't a relationship about taking care of each other - including in the bedroom.  If you are so petty to keep score, I would say that's not the only problem in your relationship. 

I can see if - for instance - as a woman gave multiple BJ's to her man, and never received anything in return.  That is kind of crap - but only because he's using you as his personal getting off device.  But to keep a score of how many orgasms he had vs you - it just seems super silly.

Lets just concentrate on pleasuring each other, and what comes of it, comes of it. 

Oh, those wonderful nuts!

Ahh nuts...  And not THOSE nuts :)  I'm not a huge fan of the nuts attached to a man - but thats a whole other blog.

Seems these days that those people with nut allergies has increased, or at least we know a whole lot more about them.  So what if you are a woman with nut allergies?  How careful do you have to be?

Seriously careful, according to a case in the United Kingdom.  Turns out the first case of a woman having an allergic reaction during sex triggered by sex.  Oh yeah, you read that right.  A sexual allergic reaction (granted, I did watch a Strange Sex episode once about a woman who was allergic to SPERM!).

So this woman's boyfriend ate a handful of Brazil nuts (of all nuts - he chose the Brazil nut?  Humm.... I wouldn't have made that choice)  The woman knew she was severely allergic to nuts - so she asked her man to take serious precautions - he brushed his teeth, rinsed out his mouth, washed his hands and scrubbed under his fingernails.  They had sex, and the poor woman blew up in an allergic shock.  Oh yeah, turns out that nut proteins are in sperm...  So those nuts really did affect his nuts!

Protecting the innocent and not so innocent

So, I've been writing this blog for some time.  It's been a fun past time for me.  Somewhere for me to get out frustrations and write once in awhile.  BUT, it's come to my attention that this blog - this fun thing for me might seriously be a hindrance to my dating.  Why, you might ask?  Well, I will tell you I haven't really dated at all since it went up.  Granted that is probably for a million other reasons!

With all that said, do I want to stop writing this?  Hell, no!  It's too much fun for me.  And really, it's all about my fun, isn't it?  If you aren't pleasing yourself, who is going to please you (and hey, get your mind OUT of the gutter, I'm not talking about that!)

So, I'm thinking two things:

1.  I need to stop publishing this blog in any way associated with my name.  Right now I have the link on my "fun" email, one of my personals ads (yes, I DO do that), and share it with people I know.  If I stopped doing this, no one could associate me to the blog.  An option.

2.  Make the promise, which I've kept since I started this blog, that I will NOT be including any personal stories.  So, if I go on a date with you, I'm not going to share the details of our date, how you curved to the left, or how you smelled (good or bad).  What I will do is give my general observations - based on my own experiences.  Even if you totally stand me up, or oppositely are the best ever (at whatever), I'm not going to blog about you.  If I do it will be in such general terms it could be anyone.  I.e. I've been with guys that smell good and some bad - those bad ones aren't just going to cut it.  Deal? 

Spice things up in the bedroom...

This morning I was listening to the radio on my way into work and the DJ's (The Kane Show - if you are interested) were talking about how crazy you should get in bed, especially on night (or day) #1.  The argument was whether you should lay all your cards on the table and use all your tricks on the first night, or if you should hold back some for later.

Personally, I can see both ways.  You want the guy/girl to call you back so you want to be good time #1.  But at the same time, should you leave it all on the table and have nothing (except more sex, and that's NOT a bad thing) for later?  I dont' have a definite answer.

BUT, all this lead me to a whole other world of sex positions.  They were citing stuff to try or hold back, and I had no idea what they were talking about.  Have you ever heard of the "Butter Churner" or the "Stairway to Heaven"?  If so, you are much better off than me.

So, trying to figure out what the hell they were talking about, I sat off on a bit of Internet Research.  And came across THE site for sex positions...  Men's Health has a section called The Big Book of Sex - Sex Positions.     Not only do they have illustrated how to's, you can group what you are looking for by the following:

1.  Head to Toe
2.  Kneeling
3.  Man on Top
4. Oral
5.  Seated
6.  Side by Side
7. Standing, front entry
8. Standing, rear entry
9. Woman on top
10. 1 Star
11. 2 Star
12. 3 Star
13. 4 Star
15. 5 Star

So, pick and choose, decide what you want to try, and dang it try it (or all of them.)  And you can thank me later.

I will also note that there is a "test your skills" portion of the website, and for full disclosure, I got 7 positions correct and 5 wrong, which makes me:

You are a sex position SOMEWHAT OF A SEX MACHINE

Not bad at all! You scored right in the middle part of the curve (puns not fully intended). And even if the more exotic positions had you stumped, that’s nothing to be ashamed about. Once you get the Men’s Health glossary committed to memory, you’ll be ready to graduate to the next libidinous level.

 

Enjoy and you can thank me later. 

 

And oh, by the way, the Butter Churner...  Have your partner lie on her back with her legs raised over her head. This is not a plain Jane position! Squat over her and dip your penis in and out of her. Be extra careful to thrust lightly to avoid stressing her neck

All about those little Spermies!

So today - thanks to a friend on facebook - I read an article about the largest sperm bank in the world.  Apparently the sperm bank has turned away the sperm of our ginger headed friends.  According to Ole Schou, Director of Cryos International, "I do not think you chose a redhead, unless the partner - for example, the sterile male - has red hair, or because the lone woman has a preference for redheads."  So yes, they don't want your sperm redheads!  Sorry about your luck.  As of right now the sperm bank is on overload - with 600 men WAITING to donate.  As of current time, the sperm bank has 70 Liters of sperm on hand - with each man ejaculating only 2 - 6 milliliters each time.  that means they have between 11,000 and 35,000 "samples" depending on how much junk men have. 

So, of course... on the page is linked to an article called Sperm: Crazy Things you Should Know.  And you know I'm going to jump all over that one.  So listen and learn...

Crazy Thing #1: Abnormal Sperm, That's Normal. 
90% of the sperm in a single ejaculation is deformed.  For instance, it can have two heads, two tails, huge heads, pinheads, coiled tail... Oh yeah guys it's deformed.  Sorry about your luck.

Crazy Thing #2: Half  Teaspoon.

Yup, men who think  you are shooting out a BIG load.  Nope, sorry... a typical man only ejaculates a half a teaspoon.  (Although, I have to question that myself, because damn...)

Crazy Thing #3: Sperm Wear Hard Hats
Each sperm has an oval-shaped structure called the acrosome - it contains control chemicals that are released if and when the sperm attaches to an egg.  The chemicals are what allow the sperm to melt the egg's outer surface and penetrate the egg. 

Crazy Thing #4: Sperm vs Semen
Did you know that sperm does not equal semen.  Sperm cells are only a part of semen.  Semen also contains substances from the prostate and a pair of rabbit ear-shaped organs inside the pelvis called the seminal vesicles. Sperm get the fuel they need in the form of sugar fructose supplied by the seminal vehicles, and Fluid from the prostate allow for semen to liquefy once inside the female.  And yes, that's a whole lot of technical terms, I apologize.  I'm just here to educate.

Crazy Thing #5: One Testicle is Enough
Just ask Lance Armstong - he's fathered 5 children since losing his nut.  Granted, 3 were from sperm banked prior to the surgery, but 2 were done the natural way.  Granted there are two baby mommas, but that's not part of this ...

Crazy Thing #6: 200 Million Competitors. 
As we all learned in sex ed, it only one takes one sperm to fertilize an egg.  But did you know that with each ejaculate there are 200 Million Spermies released?  It's a bit amazing that we don't all have multiple children!

Crazy Thing #7: The Factory Never Closes.
You've heard those (horror) stories of women getting pregnant at 50, 60.  And it's because men produce sperm all the time, every day, all day for their entire lives.  Unlike women who are born with a set number of eggs that once they are gone, they are gone.

Crazy Thing #8: Sperm are Tiny
Each sperm measures only about 0.002 inch from head to tail. or about 50 micrometers.   You better get our your microscope if you want to see one.  BUT, if you lined up each sperm, end to end, from one ejaculate it would measure about 6 miles - ewww.

Crazy Thing #9: Sperm need protection!
The immune system doesn't like the way sperms only have 1/2 of the DNA of other cells.  So to keep the immune system from killing off all the sperm - the testicles employ speczied cells to surround them with a soft of "picket fence"  ahh, how all American.

Crazy Thing #10: Dead Sperm can make live babies.
Well, shit.  Non-swimming sperm can still fertilize and egg with in-vitro fertilization.  The only thing that matters is the sperm inside the egg...

Things to quit by the time you are 30...

So I found a list of things to quit by the time you turn 30.  It's a year later, so how do I measure up?

1.  Buying clothes from the junior section. Done and done.  Have you seen the Juniors section these days?   It's like they are advertising for the prostitute.

2. Forgetting her parents’ birthdays. May and December (I even know the dates)  As far as sending a gift, humm...  But I rememer to call!

3.  Making out with her BFFs at bars for attention. Ugh, I HATE girls making out with girls at the bar for attention - and I've never done so.

4.  Making out with her boyfriend at bars for attention. Not a huge fan of PDA, and who really wants to make out in a nasty bar?

5.  Filling her bed with stuffed animals (really, even one is too many). Do dogs count?  Like real dogs?

6.  Carrying a torch for anyone she hasn’t seen in the last five years. Never regret, always learn from your mistakes.  And they are in the past for a reason.  But I have to admit, sometimes I wonder, what if...

7.  Rebelling against her parents for the sake of rebelling against her parents. I'm one of those strange kids that never really rebelled.

8.  Declaring an entire gender “all jerks.” Can I declare them all assholes or bitches? 

9.  Holding a grudge against anyone who wronged her in high school. I don't think the author went to my high school.... if so she'd understand

10.  Skipping regular gyno exams. I dont care what age, you should never skip it!

11.  Going to bed without washing and moisturizing her face. OK, I'm bad at this.  I get TIRED.  I guess I'm lucky I look like I'm still a teenager, acne and all. 

12.  Being “that person” who had a bit too much to drink at the office party. Trying.  Sometimes that's the only time I drink.

13.  Crushing on Justin Bieber. Seriously, really?  If I was a teen mom I probably coud have been HIS mom.  YUCK.

14.  Thinking she’s got it all figured out. Hell, the more I learn the more I realize I know absolutely NOTHING.

15. Calling her father “daddy.”  He's Dad.  I think he always has been

16.  Engaging in sibling rivalry. Humm, we all still have our moments. 

17.  Trying to get by on her looks. Ha.  Not gonna happen.  I'm no ugly girl, but I definately am not going to win any beauty contests.

18.  Living paycheck to paycheck. Oh shit.  Now why do you think I need someone to pay me to write this blog.  Any takers?

19.  Expecting a man/knight in shining armor to swoop in and save her. Oh wait, this isn't going to happen.  Well, fuck, shit damn!

20.  Aimlessly jumping from job to job. I'm one of the few people who has already stayed at a job nearly my entire working career.

21.  Using MySpace to pick up guys. What's myspace :)

22.  Expecting a man to do all the wooing. Hey, obviously this person has never met Patty Stanger.  She says all men should be doing the wooing.

24.  Wishing she had someone else’s life. My life is pretty damn good.

25.  Expecting everyone to drop everything because it’s her birthday ... What?  They aren't supposed to?

26.  ... or because her “boyfriend” of two weeks dumped her. Hey, we all need support!

27.  Measuring her self-worth by a number on the scale. I assume we are talking weight.  No. no. 

28.  Being cheap. Wait, how are you supposed to not be cheap and still not live paycheck to paycheck.  Wait a damn second, you can't have it both ways.

29.  Quitting a job without having a new one lined up first (especially in this economy!). PAYCHECK.

30.  Blaming her mother for all her issues. I blame genetics and both my materal and paternal genetics.  Damn health issues.

So?  What do you think?

Craig's List Strikes Again.

So, as I do nearly every day, I checked the "missed connections" section of Craig's List.  It's always good to look through the ads to see if one is about you, or someone you know.  And once in awhile I find a great ad that is just too good to be true. 

Yes, I found one of those ads today:

Cute Mugger - m4m - 22 (Georgetown)

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Date: 2011-09-11, 12:39PM EDT
Reply to:
Reply To This Post
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I was walking along the canal, and all of a sudden you rushed me and tried to mug me. I don't think you knew that I'd been taking karate for the past fifteen years or so, so I liberally defended myself. Eventually I let you run away, and I realized that you had a really sweet ass. I also realized(a little too late, considering that I'd pounded at your face for a good two minutes or so) that you used to have really nice teeth, and were kinda cute.


I won't press charges for the mugging, but I'd love to get together some time and maybe get a coffee. IDK how likely you are to read this, but I'm kinda just throwing this out there. Hope to hear from you soon. If you see this, tell me what you used to try to mug me with.

Location: Georgetown


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2593136777

So... hey, dude.  You tried to mug me, but damn you were hot.  Lets do this again, and this time we can just play mugger.   Wouldn't that be so hot?  And oh yeah, don't worry if you need money, I'll pay you for your trouble. 

SERIOUSLY?  Maybe I need to look into this way to meet guys.  I'm going to try mugging them and hope they write a messed connection about me! 

Hey bitch... hands off!

We all are aware that body langugate means a lot.  But how about a woman projecting to others to keep their hands off their man?  Oh yeah, it exists and I'm sure you see it all the time - especially in celebrity phtographs. 

Body Language expert Judi James says the pose where a woman rests her hand on her man's torso is a very protective stance.  "This is a possessive barrier gesture.  Although it is a sign of affection principally it is a signal to other females, who may be potetial rivals.  Basically, what the woman is communicating to the others is, "I've got him, hands off"

So examples?  Oh yes, look at these!

5 Things you should NEVER do in the bedroom.

I found this list of 5 Things you should never do in the bedroom today, and I cannot help but share - because they are so true!  At least with me...

1.  Surprise butt sex.
So yes, the vag and the anus are close together, and in the passion of the moment there can be slight - shall we call them "slips" - BUT, there is a huge difference between slips and as the article on CollegeCandy.com calls "a clearly premeditated anal sex attack which includes a whole lot of feigned ignorance."  I've personally been -shall we called it - attacked in this way.  And seriously dude, you can't tell the difference?  One has lubrication and is soft and giving - the other, no lubrication and no give.  Don't lie, you were going there - and we don't like it (or most girls don't... - I don't know many girls that like it.)  If you want anal sex, talk about it and for god sake - don't do the surprise attack, it's just not going to end well for you.

2.  Body Shaming
Being completely butt-ass naked in bed with someone is revealing all your imperfections (and perfections - damn it!)  Being naked is venerable.  So, be nice!  Don't point out something you see as a flaw (this goes for girls AND guys!)  Don't pinch an extra roll around the middle or arm or ass or whatever, because we already know it's there and we don't want to be reminded - nothing is more of a mood killer.  And for the girls, be careful about a guy's junk.  Don't make a face when you see it and definitely don't make negative comments - a guy is very sensitive about that area - in more ways than one.

3.  Pressuring.
When you are in bed, naked, and all that the last thing you want to do is be pressured into something you don't want to do.  See #1, anal sex.  These kinds of conversations should take place in a non-sexual setting.  You know, ideas you want to try, toys, etc so that your partner can have the right of refusal!

4.  Comparisons.
For gosh sake - NEVER do comparisons out loud!  yes, we all know that we do hundreds, even thousands of split second comparisons of our partners in bed.  I like how so and so touched me, or he was a much better kisser, or she had much better boobs, but you say that out loud and you are screwed.  Talk about a feeling of inadequacy....

5.  Unwanted aggression.
As "college candy.com says" the practice of pushing a woman's head down during a bj - it's not cool.  Guys get a clue, no one wants to choke on your cock.  From experience I can say once I've gagged I'm done.  I just feel like shit.  While I have developed techniques to stop you from pushing my head down - I don't want to!  I don't want to gag, I don't want to feel the bile rise in my throat (because hey dipshit - it does!).  it also goes in any other sex acts, if the person seems reluctant, don't force her (see #3 Pressuring!). 

Thongs, boyshorts, briefs.... what a girls underwaer says about her...

First, let me say that I don't like the word "panties."  I'm not sure why, but I really despise it.  So from here on out, at least for me, what a girl wears on her girly parts are called UNDERWEAR.

So, what does a girl's underwear say about her?  I've done a blog on boxers, briefs and boxer briefs ... it's time for the girls.  I found this article on thefrisky.com.  Do I agree?  Do you agree?

WHITE

Attitude: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time. Tricked you, sucker!

Pro: Men love white undies, even the cheap brands that come in a bag. If you ask dudes bout their pantie preference, 9 out of 10 will say white. In related news, if you Google “white panties,” all the results are porn sites. No other type of lingerie holds this distinction. Consider yourself warned.

Con: How do I say this delicately? It’s the most, um, stainable choice you can press up against three orifices.

Ahh, yes the good old Hanes white underwear.  I have to admit, I have quite a few pair.  A nice pair of cotton drawers is great.  But cons are seriously true!  Girls appear to be 100% clean, but on white EVERYTHING shows, no matter how clean you are.  And so, I googled "white panties"  and damn.  be warned!!!  Or be excited, take your picture.  But I did it just for you, and to get this picture - because I know how ya'll love examples.

BUTT CLEAVE


Attitude: Happy Birthday to you!

Pro: Show off your booty cleavage.

Con: Anal.

I have to admit, this is a new one for me.  And I would have to also say, it's not a preferential pair of underwear.  Seriously?  You want butt cleavage?  Now, there are good kinds of cleavage associated with your boobs, even toe cleavage can be cute... but BUTT CLEAVAGE?  All that reminds me of is a plumber's crack and the  last time I checked that wasn't sexy....ever!

FANCY


Attitude: These should make you pounce me like a tiger, but they cost a day’s pay, so please don’t tear them off me, literally.

Pro: Makes you feel like a million bucks.

Con: Will you get enough bang for your buck?

Yeah, we are not talking about Victoria's Secret here - we are talking about bras and underwear that cost in the HUNDREDS of dollars - think La Perla (gifts of La Perla readily accepted = thanks!)  This is stuff you'd only buy for yourself if you had a huge influx of money, And I would be so worried about ripping it that where would be the fun in ripping off your clothes? 

GRANNY PANTIES


Attitude: An interesting dichotomy:

If you’re in a relationship: It’s not like I’m going to get any.

If you’re single: I’ve hit rock bottom/laundry day and am about to have a one-night stand.

Pro: They’re comfy.

Con: They’re about as sexy as seeing grandma in her knickers. No offense, Grams!

And after all that, you know what I think?  Granny Panties are awesome! They are comfortable as hell, they don't ride up (or down) and who cares if they aren't attractive!  The boys are going to take them off anyway.  So screw it, I love my big girl underwear, and I don't care!

VINYL


Attitude: Tonight baby, I’m gonna get freaky with you.

Pro: You look like a super bad mofo.

Con: Plastic fabric can easily lead to that not-so-fresh feeling.

Seriously, vinyl?  Guess not everyone is concerned about comfort as I am.  So if you are going the vinyl direction - please don't wear it very long (which I guess is the point).  And guys, get a new fetish - no one wants to sweat out a day's worth in a couple of minutes because their lady parts (top AND bottom) can't breathe!

HIGH-CUT OR STRING BIKINI


Attitude: I work out and I also lived through the ‘80s.

Pro: Shows off your perfectly toned hips and thighs.

Con: Who has perfectly toned hips and thighs besides Jane Fonda?

Really? A string bikini is reminiscent of the 80's?  And I thought underwear was timeless!

CROTCHLESS


Attitude: I’m shy about flashing my body, but I’m perfectly fine with flashing my tunnel of love.

Pro: Cheap, cause there’s no material.

Con: Pointless.

Let me tell you, it's not easy to find a picture of crotchless underwear that's not completely inappropriate!  So here you go.  And if you chose this type, seriously, I hope your man (or woman) enjoys it, because you certainly aren't!

BLACK


Attitude: I’m elegant and sophisticated. Or, I’m on the rag.

Pro: Sleek, dark, stain-proof and slimming.

Con: Tends to show through clothes.

Well, shit... the frisky let out the secret.  Black underwear doesn't stain (if you know what I mean)  It also is just easy, black feels like it goes with everything.  But if you take down a girls pants and see that black underwear you might want to double check what's going on down there.... 

BOYSHORTS


Attitude: Let’s get comfortable on the couch.

Pro: Soft, cotton, and flattering on the thigh.

Con: Can sometimes be too masculine. If you and your man got the same brief on, party over.

Boyshorts are oh so comfortable.  and I have to say, I've sure met a lot of guys lately that love this style.  Maybe a nice pair of boyshorts, and your pants button down shirt - to me that sounds sexy, but then again maybe I'm just weird.

LACE


Attitude: I’m so into you, I don’t mind a little chafing.

Pro: Peek-a-boo!

Con: The aforementioned possibility of chafing.

Umm, if you have that much chafing with lace underwear - you are getting the wrong lace!  Nice, comfortable lace doesn't chafe and it is oh so sexy. 

PINK

Attitude: I’m feeling like a Playboy Bunny: flirty and high-maintenance.

Pro: Pink!

Con: Pink!

I have to say I don't think much about the color of my underwear if it's not white or black  -  although sometimes I will admit to matching my underwear to my outfit.  Does pink really make that much of a difference?

SATIN


Attitude:Rub me for good luck, er, to get lucky.

Pro: Glamorous.

Con: Snags easily, and can make things, temperature-wise, pretty hot—as in satin burn.


Like vinyl, satin doesn't breathe... and I'm BIG into breath ability (apparently!)  personally, I don't find satin any more sexy than anything else - but then again I might be wrong

CLASSIC COTTON


Attitude: Straight-up chillin’.

Pro: Comfortable to wear. Even better, soft to rub.

Con: Nuthin’ special to see here.

Cotton, the fabric of our lives!  Maybe it's not so sexy, but it's great and comfortable for every day use...  And if just happen to get it on during an every day situation - it's not going to cause panic!

 

ANIMAL PRINT


Attitude: Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson or future Mrs. Robinson.

Pro: Unleashes your inner sex animal.

Con: Always makes you look older than you actually are. Luckily, some guys are into that!

I might have an unnatural obsession with animal print.  I have every type of animal print shoes - leopard, snake, giraffe, etc...  When it comes to underwear, I do have less - but I think animal print is sexy  -- now what I think is sexy and what guys think is sexy can be totally different things - but it's all about YOU feeling sexy, the guy is going to do you regardless of what he finds you are wearing for underwear. 

RUFFLES


Attitude: Put me over your knee and spank me!

Pro: Pinup girl flirty.

Con: They’re all kinds of bunchy and will make you look like you’re wearing a diaper, unless you’re in a puffy skirt with lots of crinoline

Ruffles are cute, but cute... not sexy.  And if you have a bigger bum, the last thing you want to do is add on extra bulk!