The Head.

I work with a lot of current and former military folks and even people who grew up in military families.  And there is one phrase/word that I will NEVER get used to. The word, "head" used to describe the "bathroom." 

Now, as much as this pains me, I am going to actually learn you something here.  So take a deep breath and just work with me for a second. 

According to ehow.com:

The term comes from the days when the Navy used sailing ships. The 'head' on a sailing ship is located all the way forward, where the figurehead was attached to the hull. Thus, the name arrived from the figurehead on the sailing ship. On either side of the bowsprit next to the figurehead, the crew could relieve themselves.   The Navy is not the only service to use different names for the bathroom. The Army and Air Force use the term 'latrine' when referring to a toilet or bathroom. The Marine Corps and the Coast Guard use the term 'head' when referring to a bathroom. There is a misconception about the term 'head.' Many people believe that because the sailing crews were all men, the term 'head' derives from that portion of the male anatomy. This misconception has continued through various jokes and lack of knowledge about naval traditions

So.... imagine a guy coming up to you and asking, "Where is the head?"  For some reason I really cannot keep a straight face.  Also, the favorite phrase is that they are going to "hit the head"  Again, keep a straight face with that one.  NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE!  Of course, maybe it's just me. 

Size Matters, at least in where you live

So I was reading Women's Health this evening (in the bathtub - but that's just an aside for those male readers!).  Again, with all the health magazines I get when I was/am in a health kick.  Once of these days it will kick in.  Hopefully very soon!  Anyway, another interesting article in this one.  This time about how a man's manhood size is relative to the area in which he lives.  Interesting....

MAP HIS MANHOOD

Want to know what's behind his zipper?  Of course you do!  You might get a clue by checking his zip code.  Rubber retailer Condomania released a ranking of penis size from the 20 most populated cities in the country.  The info was gathered from 27,000 men who ordered custom fit condoms after measuring their members with a "Fit Fit" downloaded from the store's website.  One surprising finding: Apparently not everything is bigger in Texas: Dallas was dead last. 

Cities Ranked by Penis Size (From Largest to Smallest)
1. New Orleans
2. Washington, D.C.
3.  San Diego
4. New York City
5.  Phoenix
6. Portland, OR
7. Atlanta
8. San Francisco
9. Chicago
10. St. Louis
11. Seattle
12. Miami
13. Indianapolis
14. Columbus, OH
15. Boston
16. Denver
17. Los Angeles
18. Detroit
19. Philadelphia
20. Dallas/Fort Worth

And... let me just say... lets give it up for my men in DC!!  Hell yeah.  I can definitely say I have experienced some of these definite winners.  But I've also experienced some of these guys who are throwing off this scale.  I think we should do some voting off the island.  Maybe they just don't belong here.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think that it's a debate of size DOES matter vs. size DOESN'T matter.  Because it really doesn't - that is except if he's got a really teeny teeny peeny.  And if he does, that boy better know some definite other techniques to please his woman - and if he doesn't.  He better just keep on walking.  Or move to some place ... else!  Or turn into a gay bottom - that might work for him. 

And let me comment on the Dallas, Texas men.  Maybe their slogans, everything is bigger in Texas is based on compensation.  Don't get me wrong - I don't believe I have ever been with a Texas bred man - so my thoughts here are based truly on opinion - but based on this very scientific test (if you consider men measuring their OWN member for custom fix condoms a scientific test) if Texan men are really that small maybe Texan men are compensating with their big ass everything for their small penises. 

Overall the list was very interesting.  Highlight of my night - that's for sure :)

The 20 Strangest Sex Laws.

As a fun little tidbit today, I will share with you the 20 Strangest Sex Laws, as found on BuzzFeed.com.

1.  There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and de-flower young virgins, who pay them for the privilage of having sex for the first time.  Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

     I hope the men are at least good, they would have a lot of practice.

2.  Most Middle Eastern countries reccognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
    note to men into lamb bestality, don't develop a taste for lambchops.

3.  In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.  Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by dealth.
     Again, with the sex with animals thing.  Seriously, who looks at an animal and says... wow.  Yummy (except in the food way - that I understand!)

4.  Anywhere in the U.S, it is illegal to use any live endagered species, except insects, in pubic or private diplays, shows, or expeditions depicting cross species sex.  (Insectophiles apparently were sucessful in their lobbying efforts.)
     Seriously, was the person writing this a closet bestaility freak and was trying to research where he could and could not do his freaky ass shit.

5,  In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination.  He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
    Sounds like an excellent exam, especially in a country where there aren't many female doctors.  I wonder what the rate of STD's and reproductive diseases untreated in women are!

6.  In Hong King, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but any do so with her bare hands.  (The husbands lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any matter desired). 
   Does a knife or gun in your bare hands count?  You are still using your bare hands!

7.  In Santa Cuz, Boliva, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
   There goes man men and their MILF fantasies.

8.  In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances including the wedding night.
    Well, seems there are a hell of a lot of law breakers in Washington - say, nearly 100%.

9.  In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
  awkward, enough said.

10.  No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance withinthe boudaries of Tremonton, Utah.  If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper."  The man isn't charged nor is his named revealed.
  There is always a reason a law is enacted.  Makes me wonder where the hell this one came from. 

11.  In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.
   I've seen southern Virginia - this might be for their own good.

12.  It's illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada.
   Again, for their own good.  Those baker's dozen's of STD's run rampant in Vegas.  What happens in Vegas - stays in Vegas, except the Herpes.

13.  It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislator to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.
  Which means some fool did this.  Granted, if the legistlature is not in session - penis custumes are all the rage.

14.  In Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, Massachusettes, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Washington DC, and Wisconsin an erection that shows through a man's clothing is illegal.
     Men, say good bye to skinnny jeans and spandex - which you should have done YEARS ago.

15.  No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the small of garlic, onions or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota.  If his wife so requests law mandates that he brugh his teat.

     I'd like to see enforcement of this law....

16.  In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish (apparently it's ok for women.)

    Umm, how d the logistics work on that one.  Wait, I don't want to know!  And just for everyone's information - if you google "sexy fish" this is the second image that comes up.  Seriously, shocking, and seriously very funny considering!  Apparently, having sex with a live fish might be a little easier than I originally thought - ewww.

17.  Muslims are banned from looking at the genetials of a corpse.  This also applies to the undertakers; the sex organs of the diseased must be covered with a brick or pirece of food at the same time.
      Ouch, glad you aren't alive!

18.  An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming specificially band couples from having sex whilding standing inside a stores wallk in meat freezer.
   Burr.  And again someonneone did this BS!

20.  In hotels in Siox Falls South Dakota, every room is required to have a two, beds.  And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart with the coustomer rents a room for only one night.  And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.
      Note to self, never stay there

Acting like a man in the bedroom.

Today I read an article in Women's Health, or one of those magazines I ordered in one of my Fitness kicks.  Every month there is a sad reminder when I receive a bunch of fitness magazines of the goals I meant to achieve...  Those pounds I meant to lose.  So to make me feel better - I read the magazine while eating some tasty treat that of course will go straight to my hips - but do I care?  Nope.

Anyway, this article was about how women should change their attitude in the bedroom and begin to act more like a man.  In this one of their main suggestions was for women to stop obsessing so much about their physical appearance - to worry less about what they look like naked and just enjoy the experience.  The author mentioned that her husband will often stick out his tummy and fart in bed - then fully tell her that he's SEXY.  Where she is worried about what angle she's facing and if she looks fat... blah, blah. 

I have to say, sometimes I wonder if I act more like a man in the bedroom.  I have my body insecurities - but when I have clothes on.  In bed, I tend to forget about it.  When the clothes first come off, I worry about it a little bit but it soon goes away.  As soon as I'm "getting down" the only thing I worry about is getting down.  Who cares if I don't look good from that angle or if I have stretch marks on my legs or belly or boobs.  The guy is lucky to get me!  I'm there to please him and he's there to please me.  Now lets have a little fun!

A different kind of online dating... over a SALAD?

I'm always on the lookout for a new way to date. And when I heard on the radio about a new online dating site I was intrigued.  Apparently, there is a new york salad joint called Just Salad that serves - you guessed it - just salads.  My guess is that it's an overpriced salad place that we have become used to.  But as I've learned, it's also not cheap to get all the ingredients for a salad and build the perfect one at home - especially if you are eating a salad for one!  The owners of Just Salad found that there were a lot of single salad diners at their establishment. 

In order to "better serve" their customer Just Salad began a special service - they opened up a portal on their website called Saladmatch.com  On Saladmatch.com you can develop an online dating profile with your favorite salad "fixings" and your recycling preferences (apparently you can reuse your bowls and bags at Just Salad and this is an important part of your "Salad Match" according to their compatibility scale!)  Once you have entered all of your information Saladmatch can match you based on your salad preferences and you can arrange a date.  Of course, you are highly encouraged to order a salad and eat at their place. 

I kind of like the idea.  Hell, I like the idea of anything that will find me a decent guy.  Granted, the only Just Salad locations are in Hong Kong and New York.  And I'm not dating in either of these locations so it's a moot point.  Granted, I'm not sure how my favorite salad toppings of corn, cheese, beans, bacon and ranch dressing  will find me the perfect man.  But if eharmony's hundreds of questions can find someone's polar opposite match (I've seen it!) then my salad fixin's might as well find me my soul mate, right?

Turning 30...

So that day has come.  Today I turn 30. 

Honestly, it's been all about the build up.  And to say, it's all been easy would be a total lie.  I would have to say that the worst part has been the preceding 6 months.  For the past 6 months, I have been doing a lot of thinking... Thinking about where I am, what I want and who I want to be.  For the most part, I'm extremely happy!  I have all that I want that I can work hard for.  Yes, money can be tight at the end of the pay period.  I'm not too proud to admit that I've looked at my dog's food and wondered if I could eat that... (no, I never have.  Shh, but thank god, my office has snacks - take a couple extra packets of pretzels home and it's a fine dinner.)  I pay all the necessary bills - you know - mortgage, gas, electric, shoes.  It's those unnecessary things like food that sometimes have to slip. 

A couple of things I want to change... I'd like to lose the weight that's gradually and well, not so gradually crept on over the past 10 or so years.  I put on a lot of weight when I went on some prescriptions.  Damn drugs.  If only I didn't get every side effect that prescriptions give.  I swear that everyone that is listed on the back of the drug vial hits me.  Even if the damn thing says it will cause weight loss - I get weight gain.  yes, I'm that lucky.  Also, I've come to the conclusion that most men don't like the fat girl.  Yes, there are some chubby chasers out there.  But they are few and far between - and they usually have other issues as well!  And issues is something I don't have the time or energy to deal with.  I don't want to be stick skinny - just fit  I'd rather not have to wear one of those silly shapers that often make you feel like a sausage under EVERYTHING. 

Humm, how about dating, and when I say that I mean REAL dating.  Like not just screwing around.  But find a guy who actually wants me for me and not just as a pin cushion.  Enough said.

Some people have asked me if I will be changing the title of this blog.  No, I think the title is perfect.  I'll be 29 and holding forever :)

Hunger and the Female Orgasm

Not too long ago, I came across an article about the female orgasm.  We, man and woman alike, know that the female orgasm is not exactly an easy topic.  It's not like the man where you can just yank a couple of times and poof it goes - you even get a special surprise at the end showing that it happened.  The woman is not so easy.  You've got much more delicate machinery down there - and not only that, the whole body AND mind has to be involved for the shit to work.  (It's like God's cruel joke to us!)  I really hate the picture - but it's right.  Men have one switch - on and off.  Women have about 50 different buttons, knobs and switches, and even then it's a crap shoot.

I wish I could find this article, and for the past two days I've been looking for it.  But when I search on google for the key words, "women, hungry, orgasm" you can imagine what I get...

1.  Watch Her Video - Cum Hungry Teen Misses Warm Load of SpermCum Hungry Teen Misses Warm Load of Sperm. ... mature, caught on cam, older women, freak, asian titt, cum in her mouth, caught, angellina, sister brot, mom, ...



2. Highlight Blush - Blush Duo by NARS CosmeticsLimited Availability. $39.00. Hungry Heart. Orgasm / Laguna. Albatross / Sin. Exclusive! Albatross / Orgasm. Sin / Casino. Albatross / Torrid. Exclusive! ...
 
3. Go Ask Alice!: Girlfriend fakes orgasmDec 22, 1995 ... Dear Alice, My last girlfriend was really sex-hungry. ... It is not your job to make a woman come. Her orgasm is hers, and she may or may ...

Not exactly what I'm looking for! 

But the gist of the article is that women cannot achieve the big O when they are hungry.  So true.  I can't concentrate when I'm hungry.  And to achieve that orgasm I need to concentrate!  The whole idea behind it was to feed your women.  I feel sorry for those men who have the skinny model type who never eat.  Those poor girls must never get off.  At least they must have the fake orgasms down.  Good for them for faking it - I would never do that.  OK, well maybe.  I have done that, we all have.  Trust me, if a guy is just pounding away - just going at it, with no stopping in the near future, just trying to achieve the "goal."  You can get bored, and if you know it's just not gonna happen - there is really nothing else you can do but stop it.  I have to say I rarely fake the big O.  Mostly because I don't want the guy to get used to it - and think he doesn't have to work for it!

Anyway, the point is.  Feed the bitches. We are complex creatures, we need to be fully pleased before we are pleased :)

Drunk Dialing, Drunk Texting, Drunk IMing!

I'm not a big drinker.  Believe me or not - but it's true.  I rarely have a single drink, and I might get drunk once a year at most.  But I have a problem when I drink, I'm an obsessive drunk texter. 

Yes, I will admit it here.  My name is... (wait, do you really think I'm going to tell you my name!).  Let me start that again.  My name is L. Jane Doe and I have a problem.  I'm an obsessive drunk texter, and if I have a computer in front of me, I drunk IM as well.  Now, all repeat after me - Hello, L. Jane Doe... 

Now you'd think, a nice girl like me wouldn't have such an issue like this.  Especially a girl who doesn't drink.  And I'm telling you the truth when I say I rarely drink, and even more rarely am I drunk.  But it is true .  Get a little bit of booze in me, and a little bit of lull in the action.  I get "bored" and reach for my phone.  Really, anyone with a contact in my phone is fair game - which is a little dangerous now with the extent of my contact list in that huge ass smart phone.  In the old days, when I could just drunk dial it was a little safer for me, I had limited people I could call and limited issues I could cause.  These days, I have text and huge phone books and multiple methods of reaching people - email, IM, facebook, text, all in one small portable package - it all provides me a VERY dangerous tool that can lead to much regret in the morning. 

In my "real" life I border on obsessive, so as they say, the alochol magnifies this lovely trait.  This trait that makes me such a great worker, coworker and employee - makes me a really sucky drunk.  If I make the lovely drunk text I want immediate gratification.  The person receiving my text better right me back ASAP, otherwise they will get another text, and another, and another.  That is until I get the response.  And not just any response - but the response I am looking for.  So, play with me here.  I'm drunk, I text you, my questions, requests are simple.  Fulfill them, right?  Is that asking that much?  Wow, I am a bitchy drunk - or at least a needy one.

So.... instead of pissing everyone I know off (which I'm very good at).  I opt not to drink - thus preventing the drunk texting, drunk dialing and drunk IMing.  My friends, acquaintances, and likely my coworkers thank me.  Hell, even those people at those automated lines that have tried to talk to me drunk thank me!   

Man Smell.

Before you think you know what I'm talking about - hear me out!  I have a thing for smell - which is kind of ironic because strong smells give me migraines.  But it's not the strong smells that do it for me.  Don't think - strong colognes, aftershaves, etc.  Think, just natural man smell.  A musky deodorant, fresh smelling soap, even just the natural smell of a man.  You know - think fresh from the shower.  I think the man with the towel around his taste, his body still flushed with the heat of the shower and a bit of glisten from the water. That's what gets me.  Yes, really gets me.  As if you couldn't tell by that little description

Don't get me wrong.  I do love the smell of man's cologne, and as long as it's used sparingly it's awesome.  It just adds to the manly smell that I do love.  But - what I really want is for that man smell to come through.  Just ask some of my man friends - I've been known to bury my face in their chest and take deep breaths just smelling the good smells.  Yes, it sounds weird - but I like it that much.  I'm not too proud to admit what I like.  At the same time, I will admit that I will fully admit those things that I don't like!

Give me a man that smells good and I will do whatever he wants :)  It might just be one of my weak spots - good thing that this blog is anonymous!

Man-gagement Rings

Within the last week, a news report was released that Michael Buble (one of my favorite artists/singers, whatever the hell you want to call him) wears a man-gagement ring .  He is currently engaged to Argentinian actress Luisana Loreley Lopilato de la Torre.  The custom in Argentina is for men to also wear an ring during the engagement period before marriage.  There are other details about the ring changing from silver to gold when the marriage happens, and moving from the left to the right hand.  But all those are just silly little details, and are beside the point. 

How do I feel about all of this?  Hell yeah!  This could be the most awesome thing ever.  Personally the first thing I look for on a man is his left hand - ring finger.  A man could be casually walking by me, and literally I look down at his hands first.  If there is a a ring on his finger I don't give him a second look, other than to appreciate his manliness (because I definitely appreciate the manly form!  If you are a woman who doesn't - then we need to have a large discussion.  As far as sexual attraction to that man with a ring - I'm moving on.  I don't touch an attached man.  So how great would it be if any engaged man also wore a ring symbolizing his engagement.  I would also know he's off limits!  It would same me tons of time - daydreaming time of course!!

Hell - I would even be happier if any man who had a girlfriend wore some kind of sign, or maybe a name tag.  Something like - "Hello, I'm fucking someone else - please do not flirt with me!"  That would be my dream.  And probably every attached man's worst nightmare.  But this is about me, so I don't give a shit about them.  Besides, if any man is upset about losing these opportunities they probably shouldn't be in a relationship anyway!!!


Not that I'm an overall a big "going out girl", and I don't see that many men out and about, but if I do - I really don't want to waste my time on those guys who are attached - whether they are just seriously dating or engaged - that's bullshit.  I just want to see the single guys and have them readily accessible to me, just the same way women are to them (Men can always tell how women are attached by their rings!)  I just want those single guys to be readily accessible!  So lets make them easy to find!

- Rings for married guys = GOOD!
- Rings for engaged guys = GOOD!
- Name tags for single, attached guys = GOOD!

The Mirror Picture

Some call it the "Myspace Mirror Shot," Some call it, just the "Mirror shot."  I call it stupid.  What it is... is easy - someone feels the need to take a picture of them self - right now - and they are alone.  They take a camera - or more recently a camera phone look in the mirror and hold it to their side and take a picture.  See the example to the right. 

This mirror picture runs rampant in the online dating world - especially in those free sites that I prefer (because as many of you know - I'm a cheap ass!).  I'm not really sure how man could possibly think that taking a picture in a mirror is sexy. Especially with a background of a bathroom.  Because you know nearly 95% of these pictures are taken in the bathroom with a background of a shower/toilet or some other strange bathroom background.  It's just not hot.  

Even worse, is the guy who takes the picture with  the flash half obstructing the view of this face.  (I particularly like this picture where the mirror is so dirty that the flash highlights all the nasty spots and further distorts his face!)  When you can barely see the guy's face how are you able to discern if you like the way he looks or not? 

Then, there is the guy who takes the picture shirtless - trying to show off his "assets".  Just annoying. 

I often wonder why this all bothers me so much.  It's really just another picture.  I think it comes down to one thing - laziness.  I have to say that the majority of the pictures I have seen are with a digital camera - you know the ones that have a setting with a timer.  That wonderful setting will allow you to set the camera on a solid surface - walk away and within seconds the camera will take a picture - all you have to do is stand in front of it - you won't look like such a douche bag taking a picture of yourself.  On the other hand, it also looks like you aren't serious enough to have "real" pictures.  It looks like you just walked into the bathroom, snapped a picture, and then posted it online.  How many people do you know that don't have pictures of themselves by themselves or with others?  If they don't have those pictures - isn't that a little iffy? 

Now after this ragging on men - I must be fair...  Women are NOT immune to this mirror picture disease.  In fact - women are just as bad.  These bitches out there are taking pictures half naked, naked, etc.  It's embarrassing.  What are they thinking.  Wait, I know what they are thinking - and it's embarrassing!  Again, don't people understand that it would be a hell of a lot more sexy if they weren't holding a freaking camera?  Umm yeah....

*** FYI, all pictures obtained for this posting were obtained through google!  So these dumb asses have made these pictures available to the world through the world wide web ***

Facebook and Linking Philosophy....

So, the plan from here on out for this blog is easy, well for me at least.... 

1.  If the post is "clean" - enough so that I'm not embarrassed that my coworkers/family read it - I will link it directly on facebook. 

2.  If the post is "not so clean"... I won't be linking it directly on facebook. 

That way, those who want to still read the blog and are only reminded to when they see a post on facebook can do so.  But it will still "protect" me because the not so clean posts will not be directly linked up there on facebook. 

Enjoy, and keep reading and pass this on to your friends :)

L

And big boobs...

And since we are on the subject of big things... lets talk about boobs.  Unlike the bulges in Mr. Banana Republic's pants - Big Boobs are an acceptable thing to show off. 

I'm not a very "big" girl.  In that I mean, I'm not very tall - I'm maybe 5'1" on a good day with shoes on.  Granted, I'm packing a few extra pounds here and there - ok, maybe more than a few.  But, my boobs are huge in comparison to the rest of me.  I'm a 36DD.  Hell, it looks like I have two serious baby heads stuck to my chest.  They would look unnatural if they weren't a little bit uneven and jiggly like natural boobs.

And let me tell you - I can't hide these suckers.  And that leads me to my real issue. 

I am a professional and work in a professional field - and that profession is not hooking nor stripping.  In both those jobs big boobs would be an asset.  In my field - not so much.  Instead, working in a male dominated field - people stare.  Men stare a lot.  And I mean a lot.  I can wear anything and they will look.  And the bitch of it is that I can wear things that other women wear and still look indecent.  One day I wore a nice cardigan and camisole combination only to be told by a coworker that my boobs looked incredible that day.  Umm, thanks?  But this is the workplace and I'm not supposed to be noticed for my boobs - I'm supposed to be noticed for my superior intellect and my excellent work ethic! 

After hours the "girls" can come out to play, that great.  But at work, it would be nice to hide them.  But even completely covered they still provide huge mounds for the guys to oogle.  I've just come to accept that.  And as much as I probably could use it to my advantage - I don't.... in the workplace that is.  Personally, you better believe I do - but that's a whole different story!

Big Bulges

I'm all about what a guy is packing in his pants.  It's great to unwrap that package the first time and see what he's going to give me.  It's like my first special gift. 

Now, I like that gift to be a little bit of a surprise.  Yes, there is always a bit of a hint if he gets a bit "excited" and you feel that little (or not so little) bulge.  But I don't want to see an outline through his pants. 

Imagine flipping through Banana Republic's online catalog and finding a great pair of pants for your significant other - only to be greeted with a big ol' not so hidden surprise.  Umm yeah, they can photoshop TONS of weight off women - but apparently we leave obviously huge penis's in plain view. 

The lost art of the English Language

Anyone who has read this blog knows I don't always write in full sentences or even full thoughts.  I fully admit I'm not a English scholar (Although I did take a year of grammar in college just for fun!), but I really do have a problem with the current misuse of English.  With that I mean the shorthand that everyone uses as a result of the advent of text messaging. 

Don't get me wrong, I understand the limits of text messaging and understand when you need to cut down on some letters and words to fit the character limit.  But texting is one thing... everyone else is something different!  This shorthand has filtered into everyday life.  EVERYWHERE.  It really bothers me when I get an email that I have to decipher words that are shortened and acronyms that make no sense.  I already have to live in a work word full of too many damn acronyms.  But these emails are often coming to my work account and these are actually work emails!  Seriously, kids (and they usually are the young kids that have grown up in the world of text messages and IM's) learn how to write in full sentences! 

And it's not just text messages.  When did all these weird, strange phrases come into existence?  For instance, "That's what she said."  As the "phrase of the day" men, and even some women use it as a come back to anything.  It's the universal zinger meant to put you in your place.  Let me tell you - it does nothing by annoy me.  let me tell you - by using that phrase you are neither witty or cleaver.  In fact you are just showing me that you are a follower who has nothing interesting to say.  And honestly, it annoys the fuck out of me.  Even more annoying is when you shorten it to TWSS.  Yes, the acronym.  Like you didn't have the actual energy to type it out or even say it that you had to just use the initials - really?  Work on something new - or move on to someone new, because I'm not going to put up with it anymore.

My problem is usually that most men that use the abomination of the English language know better.  They are educated men with higher education - often advanced degrees from highly accredited colleges and universities.  What is it that forces them to use this bastardized English?  Pure laziness.  It doesn't give me a good impression of what they will be in other areas of their life.

I don't care about small instances of shortcuts with English - I use them too.  Lots of dashes, short choppy sentences that aren't really full sentences.  But the real question is if you can actually interchange these small errors with the "correct" English.  If you cannot at all, then you better move on, because you are just going to drive me batty, and that's not pretty.

Men and babies (or kids)

This is a bit embarrassing to admit (what am I saying - after ALL that I admitted on this blog...) but I have a thing for men with babies and kids.  I've probably already said this on this blog before.  But yesterday as I was waiting for my lunch at Noodles (another one of my obsessions), I watched as this beautiful black man got his toddler (maybe 1 year old) ready for lunch.  He was so good to the little kid.  He got him chop sticks to play with and when the kid threw one on the floor, he quickly picked it up and gave it back before the kid could even mutter a cry.  He even had a little toy truck out.  Umm yeah.  You could just tell the guy cared - you can't fake that. 

Rewind to a couple of weeks ago, another food establishment.  My brother and I are out for a fancy dinner at none other than CiCi's All you can eat Pizza Buffet.  Granted, the clientele there is different, but there is no reason for a man to treat his child any different.  But as we were sitting there, a man left his kid (roughly 7?) who proceeded to yell across the restaurant gibberish.  The man completely ignored the kid, even when he came back to the table.  I thought it was a classic case of the dad having the kid for the weekend, until I saw the dad still had a wedding ring on - damn - I wonder if the dad treats the kid like that all the time.

I'm not on a quest to find a man with a kid - I really don't want a ready made family.  But I do want a man who knows his way around a kid (wait, that sounded really bad - almost pedophile like!!!).  What I meant is that I want a man who knows how to treat kid!  A man who could be man #1, and not man #2.  If I meant a man that treated kids like #1, especially kids that weren't his own - my pants would be dropping.  I'd be an easy target.  So men out there - if you read this blog.  Know how to treat kids well - don't be fake, just be nice to kids.  Most girls will like it, at least most nice girls.  The girls that don't like it - either aren't worth it, or are just skanks anyway.  You shouldn't want them anyway.