Wife Wanted.

You know what I need?  I'd hope you could guess by the title... but you never know.  I need a wife.  Not in the sexual sense at all.  Hopefully, as you've learned in the past posts - I don't kiss girls, to much disappointment of many drunk men in bars.  What I need is a working housewife.  Now, before I get all you liberal girls and guys up in arms about this, just read.  (and I'm by no means conservative!)  This is just theory crap. 

I want a wife.  I work with a lot of men in the office who are lucky enough to have a wife at home (working and not working) to help them out.  I'm jealous of that.  You know these wives (especially those taught in the military wives mindset!), even the BAD ones, clean the house.  I have to say, housecleaning 101 was a class I definitely missed in college and I would have either dropped out or failed miserably!  These wives are handy with a broom, mop, or vacuum (I have all these tools, I get them out once in awhile - when I absolutely have to).  These wives also have a magical ability to cook.  I don't care if it's the simplest meals.  They cook FOR YOU.  And what's even better, most of these guys have lunch bags the next day - left overs!  You know what I have, humm.  I subsist on beans and cheese, take out, frozen foods, and lunch the next day is usually whatever I can find close to work that's cheap (so I try to be a cheapass).  And what's else is just the little things, like having to say home when anything is delivered.  A couple of months ago I got a washer and dryer, the people at Lowe's messed it up 4 times, Yes 4 times (ok, I won't blame Lowe's but their stupid ass 3rd party delivery service) but because I have no wife I had to stay home four times! Look at how having a wife could make that all easier. 

Now, you might argue, you could pay for all those services.  It's called a maid, a housekeeper, etc.  But I would tell you -- that shit is expensive~!  I don't want to PAY for all those "services."  Shouldn't it just be provided for me?  Yes, I shall think so.

And while I'm at it.

I want a husband.

You know, not in the sexual sense (although that part would be nice), but a husband.  He could mow my grass (that desperately needs mowing right now).  I think I could be considered THAT neighbor right now, and that's quite a task when I'm that neighborhood in a very nice part of town.  He could do some grilling out, hamburgers sound pretty good right now (I don't have too high of standards!).  I also have some minor fix it and repairs that need to be done on the house.  Yeah, all that would be great!  Put him and her to work.  A wife AND a husband.  That would allow me to actually get my work-work done and maybe even enjoy some of my hobbies again. I like that idea.  Any volunteers? Yes, volunteers - there is no pay involved.  But you will get credits in heaven or some kind of bullshit, I'll make sure of that, somehow - I'll just have to figure out a way