No more nookie in the supply closet!

We all love those office romances, many of us spend so much time at work that this is the only place where we meet people of the opposite sex, right?  I have to admit that I've met my fair share of men at work and I've had both positive and (very) negative experiences.  But I would say overall, it's not a bad thing.   I've been warned many times over that ...You shouldn't shit where you eat or other such lovely terms and phrases, but thus far I'm relatively unscathed.  (although not completely unhurt!) 

But....

According to Business Week, these Office Romances are on the outs!  And of course, while you know Business Week is going to take a very business-like approach to this subject - I'll give you the straight skinny.  So, while the "office romances" otherwise known as co-workers or boss/employee fucking is going on there is this other person that is getting jealous or annoyed or something... And this third party is becoming frequently more likely to press charges with the current economic situation.  Yes, that other person that somehow found out about the coworker fucking is filing a legal suit to take advantage of the possible legal ramifications and getting money out of the deal.  Umm yeah (damn Americans and their capitalist desires) Now, these third party people are claiming that the office affair are causing an issue in the general work environment. 

So.  People aren't pulling each other into each others office or the copy room, and hell apparently bosses aren't even asking their secretaries to service them under their desk!  GASP the horror.  There is a big concern with job insecurity because of these damn third party gossips! 


And you know what's really sad.  There are actually experts out there that say a workplace fling can actually be a positive thing.  Stephanie Losee who actually wrote a book on it - called Office Mate (I linked it to the left if in case you are interested) says, "That's when you're excited to come in and work and you care about your company." And another expert, Frederick S. Lane III author of the Naked Employee says that -worker couples spend more time at work, take fewer sick days, and are less likely to quit.  All that sounds positive to me!

It's sad that the economy has killed such an institution :( 

Drying up... or taking a break from sex.

So the stars have all aligned, or shall I say misaligned and for the past couple of months I have been what we shall call "undersexed."  Yes, believe it or not - this girl - the girl who is, shall we say, a bit obsessed with sex - has been without for months.  It's a bit embarrassing to admit - but it is true.  And I apologize, I almost feel like a fraud to all of you.  Here I am talking about sex, and yet not having it myself!

But I shall continue to write... 

So, back to my non-existent sex life.  So for the last couple of months I've been what we shall call celibate.  You know, I've had a bit of a chastity belt on.  (now, this chastity belt isn't locked tight - it's just on)  Now this belt is a little difficult to get off, but it's not completely secure.  So I'm not out to just go for anyone, taking the belt off that would be too much effort for a one night stand.  But now if I found someone I could keep around for awhile, I could take the effort to take this belt off.  Got what I'm talking about?

How about another way.  When I'm getting sex, oh I'm getting it.  When I'm getting sex (really of any kind) I want it, and I want it all the damn time.  I really can't get enough.  Probably bordering on crazy nymphomaniac.  I got no shame.  I'm not afraid to admit it.  But get me on a dry streak, and after a couple of weeks of no sex and I go into what I shall call hibernation.  Yes, it's like my pussy (and I don't toss that word around causally - it's not a very casual word and I don't really even like the word) - yes my pussy goes into sleep mode.  Yes, believe it or not, during sleep mode, my pussy "dries up" and no longer am I nympho girl.  I love my sex still, but I don't feel the crazy need to have it all the time. 

But uh ohh.  If I get sex again, the whole pattern starts all over again.  So, is it better to stay in hibernation mode and not get any sex or get sex once in awhile and feel the need to get more and not get it.  It's a real toss up and it depends on where I am in the cycle and how I feel.

But... they really do love us!

So yesterday the men didn't like us single women as I blogged about the 5 Things that Men don't like about Single girls.  But we all know that those guys can't hate everything about us!  They really do love us.  So how about a list of the 10 Things Men LOVE about Women.  Yes 10, lets favor the things that men love about us.  I want to be positive, right?  No one wants to think that men hate more than they love, right?  Certainly not me, damn it...

1. You're soft and smell good. Nick, a "marketing assistant"  (umm, what the hell is a marketing assistant and why is he still that at 29?)  interviewed for this article says "I love how women smell. It's this amazing combination of shampoo, perfume, and whatever girly soap, body wash stuff you guys use in the shower. Women smell amazing. Almost all the time." and Andrew, a college student say, "Women are always so soft. I love their stomachs—not being overly toned is good—and resting my head on their breasts." I hope men know that women aren't just "born" soft - well, babies are born soft - but women take care of their skin and keep it soft.  It's lotions and potions and all that stuff we slather on our bodies every day (well some of us).  Men naturally do the more "manly" stuff that makes their skin rougher - you know manual labor - lifting shit up, and naturally roughing up their skin (which personally I think is extremely hot - any man with too soft of hands or skin just isn't going to cut it with me, he better know how to take care of his nails and such, but if his skin is "girly" soft he better just keep looking for another girl)

2. Your maternal.  "I love how women have these maternal instincts. They're so much more warm and caring then your male friends. Oh, and if you cook for us we'll love you forever." Brian, 32, teacher.  Ok, first off - NOT all women are maternal.  There are some women out there that are the furthest thing from it, but I will tell you, overall this is a great trait of most women I know.  They want to take care of you (even other girls as friends), cook for you, clean (humm, this is the trait that I'm not so good at), and just in general love you.  Of course, the loving part often scares the shit out of men. 

3.  Bikinis  "Why do men love women? One word: Bikinis! All women just look so good in them, no matter how out of shape or fat you complain about feeling." Mark, 31, waiter  Hey, Mark.  I call bullshit on this one.  You men are EXTREMELY critical of women in bikinis, if she's got a couple extra pounds you don't like to see her in a bikini.  You'll like her out of the bikini and you'll fuck her, but you probably won't tell your friends.  Overweight girls are no-no's in your book - unless you are desperate, drunk or just needing a good fuck. 

4. You're a good listener. "I'd much rather talk to a female friend when I have a super huge emotional problem to solve. I get the sense they listen more than any of my guy friends and offer so much better insight." Alex, 24, accountant.  Very fair.  Women are good listeners.  Men get distracted - ohh shiny object.  Now, I'm not calling men dogs here - but imagine the dog in the movie Up.  He's having a conversation and all of a sudden... SQUIRREL.  That's what I think of when I think of men (and actually some women as well). 

5. You're good at expressing yourself. "Sometimes you think we don't care because we don't sit there like your girlfriends and chat with you about how happy we are to have met you—but that isn't the case. We have a hard time expressing ourselves! You ladies take it for granted how easily words come to you. I'm jealous." Omar, 35, photographer  I'm a bit surprised this is one of the things that men love about men.  I would say women might be a bit too good at expressing themselves.  Women love to talk, and talk, and talk.  I gotta tell you, even I would get annoyed at how much I talk.  We like to talk things to death.  I would tell us to shut the hell up and wrap it up and really just shorten it up.  Our "expressing ourselves" doesn't have to be so lengthy and filled with emotions.  Get the point out and we'll move on.

6. Spooning. "A woman's body just fits so perfectly into yours at night. Spooning is so underrated." Aaron, 37, school administrator. YES, I love this too.  I don't need to say anything more.  Who wants to be my big spoon?

7.You aren't afraid to cry. "I have to admit—sometimes I'm envious at how women are allowed to show all their emotions whenever they want. Men want to cry, or blame a bad mood on PMS or act like a baby, but we swallow it up and act macho. It's exhausting." Will, 23, administrative assistant.  You know, a lot of things on this list really do surprise me.  I would think a lot of these things would piss men off.  Men don't necessarily like crying girls (or at least I thought) but here I find out in a very scientific study (or so it seems) that men appreciate our ability to cry.  Now, I will tell you - I used to be a much more prolific crier.  But these days I only cry when something seriously bothers me and it's a huge release - I highly recommend it.

8. Hips. "A woman's body has so much personality! God, just watching a woman walk down the street is so much more interesting than watching a man. It's all in the hips. The bodies are just so much more beautiful."  Jason, 27, writer.  While I'm not a women -lover (otherwise known as a lesbian) I can highly appreciate a woman's form - and girls they are pretty. 

9. High heels. "Nothing makes legs look better then a sexy pair of heels. We all love them—even if it does make you a few inches taller than us. Oh, but just remember to bring some flats in your bag for the end of the night. It's annoying to hear you obsessively complain." Frederic, 27, filmmaker   Oh yeah.  I love me some heels, Love, Love, Love.  I have dated (abet briefly) a couple of guys who had minor to hardcore foot and shoe fetishes.  Let me tell you that shit is FUN.  Nothing like modeling all your fancy shoes (and when I say fancy I'm talking about all my TJ Maxx purchases under $50). and letting him get turned on by them.  Ahh, I do love this one.  And any sane guy worth his weight in shoes does love you in your heels. 

10. You look so good in sweatpants. "We like it when you're dressed to the nines for a night out as much as the next person, but there's something super sexy when you're dressed down with no makeup. Bonus point if you're sweating and in your gym clothes."  Darryl, 40, bartender  Really? I've seen a lot of unattractive sweatpants.  This one is still up in the air.

Going Social Networking CRAZY!

So.... I'm going socially networking crazy so everyone can follow me and get to the blog quickly and easily (and there are less ways to connect "me" to the blog)

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/manage/#!/pages/29-Single-and-Holding-Blog/116521105071683 OR just like me on the right side of the page.

TWITTER: @29singleandhold

Hope to "see" you soon!

That little blue pill - the miracles that allows sex forever!

So I wrote a couple of weeks ago about my frustrations with what I consider inappropriate commercials on television.  You know the type - the ones for that "time of the month" and also for erectile dysfunction.  And I still feel that way, I'm not one to flip flop on the way I feel on things, unless I see or get some major points contrary to my position!  But to date, I haven't and I'm still a bit angered by those strange commercials.

But while those stupid commercials piss me off - I will sing the praises of that little blue pill.  I better explain. 

I'm a firm believer that a long-term relationship/marriage should be shared between two people that are both best friends and lovers.  And this intimate best friend/lover relationship should be maintained for the lifetime of the marriage/relationship (lets just say for the sake of argument we are talking about marriage at this point.)  And getting rid of political correctness - all I'm saying is that couples as they get older should maintain a very healthy sex life and any type of sexual dysfunction should not prevent that!  That's why the pharmaceutical companies invented the little blue pill and we have KY Jelly and other assorted types of lube (and hey guys, it was not for just anal sex - it's really originally made for actual vaginal lubrication).

Take a deep breath, and suck it up - but my grandparents were actively sexually way into their late 80's (until they passed on)  My grandma never kept it private, she kept her KY in the bathroom cabinet.  Good for her!  And let me tell you - it's a model I want for myself! 

I'm disappointed in the marriages where sex and intimacy disappears - it's such an important part of maintaining the closeness between two people (and in that I'm only guessing and using those observational experiences because I've obviously never been married).  Too many men (and women) for that matter stray outside the marriage just based on the lack of sex.  So damn it, keep up that sex life - your marriage depends on it.  And if there is a problem with the actual sex - get to your doctor, there are definite ways to correct any issue!  Damn it, don't let some stupid ass problem prevent you from being happy.  Yes, this is another Public Service Announcement from your friendly crazy blogger. 

Whaaa! Why men don't like me.... or other single women (but who cares about them!)

I like to think I'm a strong woman.  You know the type who doesn't need a man, and would burn her bra if I didn't need it so badly.  But deep down, it's all a bit of a lie.  I have a weakness for that creature we call a man - a serious weakness.  I love men.  And I want one, desperately (wait, desperately would probably be the wrong word, because that sounds a bit too stalkerish!)  I would like a man to share my life, and I often wonder why I seem to have bad luck with the gender with the ol' stick and balls.  So I found another article (amazing what kind of crap you can find on the Internet - be it true, false, or just plain funny!).  So, lets look at 5 Things Men Don't Like about Single Women

1. Flakiness. Women are flakey (is that really a word).  They don't return phone calls, texts, emails, change plans, are late, and don't do what they say they are going to do.  I get this.  No one wants a person that doesn't keep plans or keeps someone waiting.  But here I thought that a girl who is too "available" is a turn off.  How much I know!  So what's the happy medium, are you always available, never available or only available 50% or the the time?  I need a ratio here! 

2. Over-the-top independence.  Women have become extremely independent and have created their lives so that they don't need a man, so that when one comes along they don't have any time for them.  Wait just a goll darn minute.  First we were supposed to get independent, now we are too independent.  Damn it!  I can't win.  But I have to tell you, I understand this one exactly.  While I've never been outright rejected for having too much independence, I have on many occasions had a guy turn from very interested to not at all when I told him I was middle management at work and owned my own house and wasn't really needing his support to get along.  It was like all of a sudden I intimidated him or he didn't see me as a viable "project" anymore.  Granted, personally I wouldn't want a guy that felt like he had to overpower me - but damn... really, women have to be weaker to get a man?  I don't think I like that, don't like that at all.

3. Your biological clock. Women who are constantly worried about where the relationship is going and can't enjoy the relationship are are turn off.  Guilty as charged.  Hate to admit it.  While I don't have the child biological clock going, I think many of us when we get older don't want to fool around in a just "fun" relationship anymore.  While that was fun in our 20's - just having a relationship for fun isn't all that fun anymore.  Now we want to see a future in it - so I want to make that declaration up front - as scary as it is.  And let me tell you guys run when I say that I'd like to only date him if he's ready for a long term relationship if it could go there, but it doesn't necessarily have to (Then again, maybe that's why I'm single and a really shitty dater.  Humm)

4. Clamoring for a nice guy, but dating bad boys. Looking for a "good guy" but actually dating the asshole, men say that women themselves are to blame because they keep dating the jerks themselves.  I've seen this many times!  Girls bitch and bitch about not ever finding nice guys, but then they go out and find the jerks and date them.  Really, if you want a nice guy - go find them.  They are actually everywhere, but you aren't going to find them out clubbing at the motorcycle bar - go to the right place.  And don't bitch when you can't find them if you are going to the wrong place. 

5. …And your little dog, too. Treating your dog  (specifically little dogs) like a boyfriend or a child and talking about them constantly drives them crazy.  Oh shit.  I'm screwed here.  I love my dogs, and I treat them like kids.  Basically, I don't have small dogs - but I treat them like kids, no man is every going to like.  All I can hope is that he likes dogs!

Uh ohh, sexting isn't just for kids any more!

You know the sexting I've talked about before (in my post The Obsession with sexting and of course, giving you hints on what to use in sexting acronyms - I'm all about education in this blog!) is BIG news.  And sexting isn't just for kids anymore!

A Wisconsin prosecutor is likely to be removed from his position facing a "sexting scandal"  (By the way, that might be the best term EVER!)  This guy, Ken Kratz who just looks like a creepy man was caught sexting women involved in his court cases.  but it gets worse than just women "involved"  The first woman he was "sexting" was a domestic abuse victim that he was prosecuting her ex-boyfriend on a strangulation charge.  (I REALLY really secretly hope he told her he wanted to choke her or something... that would have been hilarious in a horrible way)  But what has been discovered that he called her a "hot nymph" (umm, nerd much?) and asked if she was the "the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA."  (someone needs to work on his sexting IQ"  Hey Ken, do you need the address of this blog - I've got a whole post on that very thing!

and if that wasn't bad enough, An Oklahoma law student received similar texts in 2008 after he supported her pardon on an old drug charge.  (Duh... you think he's going to do that shit for nothing?!?  babe, you need to offer up some collateral!) 

Yet another said he offered up a date at an autopsy (nothing says I love you, like a dead body opened up - hot stuff).

But wait, he might NOT lose his job.  The Office of Lawyer Regulation (wait, lawyers are regulated, that's a new thing - wait, I love my lawyer friends, and I do have a shit load of them) said it will open an investigation into his misconduct, and determine if there is any.  Because they don't know if there is any.... 

Currently he is on medical leave indefinitely.  I surmise its from a finger cramp from too much texting.  But he does make $105K/year which can buy a lot in Wisconsin.  And a lot of unpaid, untraceable cell phones ...

That one moment... a decision that altered the course of your life.

Do you have that moment?  The one where you made a decision - no matter how small or large that you think altered the course of your life? 

It could be something really stupid like choosing to take a left instead of a right and avoiding the biggest accident of your life.  Or something as big as saying yes to the man you married (only to find out he was sleeping with your best friend - yeah, not all decisions are good ones!) 

I haven't shared this with many people - but I have one myself, and I'm damn glad I made the decision I did!  Damn glad, let me tell you - because my present would be a very different (and not so pleasant) present. 

Rewind to High School, and sadly that's a lot of rewinding for me these days.  I was a bit of a nerd, but even us nerds have boyfriends, ok?  And long term ones too - like nearly all four years.  To make a long story very short, girl nerd gets a bit tired of being boy nerd's play toy and is not so happy with being bossed around (girl nerd isn't the confident type she is today!).  Girl nerd dumps boy nerds ass, and boy nerd is not happy.  But as fate would have it, boy nerd has decided to "follow" girl nerd to her college of choice - gasp!

First couple of weeks of school and nerd boy gets really lonely.  aww, sad!  And nerd girl is a bit weak as girls can be, especially away from home for the first time.  How about coming over to my room for a movie nerd boy offers.  Nerd girl accepts.  The movie... Great Expectations.  Uh ohh.  Nerd boy had planned this!  The movie of their "great love"  Nerd girl gets weak, but she stays strong enough to not sleep with nerd boy. 

At the time, it doesn't seem all that important, right?  But in retrospect it is!  I could have just ended up with nerdboy, turning into nerd man.  Stayed in the midwest, never got to experience the big city life.  Been settled down with the kids and everything by now.  What fun is that?  I sure wouldn't have experienced the craziness I've experienced to date.

And you know what would have been the absolute worst thing - I would still think sex was HORRIBLE!  Yes, that would be the #1 worst thing. Thank you God for steering me in the right direction!

With "Erotic Services Gone" on CL - they've gotten creative!

So, as I posted before, my favorite website - the ol' List of Craig had to remove the Erotic Services board.  But as I predicted, they wouldn't be gone for long!  I found this link (wait, I'm no sealer - one of my "fans" did and posted it on her page!) and I had to steal it (ok, maybe I'm a bit of a thief.  But collegehumor.com David Siegel scoured Craig's List and found the "Sketchy Craig's List Ads Posted after They Got Red of the Erotic Services Section."  And while, you know I'd love to take credit for finding these - I don't get paid for writing this and I don't have this kind of time, so I'll just repost this and comment on it, it's apparently what I do best!

ASIAN STUDIO APARTMENT

Ohh, a "petite" studio available for "Men, women, or adventurous couples"  With a double jointed lease, and backdoor access, but no "weird stuff."  Although, maybe I'm weird...  but the train comment is a little off.  Ohh, wait...  maybe not.  Humm.  That one just doesn't work.  This one is pretty good.  Nice use of descriptive terms and double meanings - but she could have been a bit more descriptive and a little more creative, don't you think? 

GEO PRIZM

Not bad.  Although, I gotta say I'm not 100% sure this is an erotic ad.  You know there are people out there that this might be true - they might just be renting out these cars (they are weird people out there) Grantes, maybe I'm just a bit too trusting of people and think there is good in everyone.  But I like this one as well, especially the last line "Hot wax treatment available upon request" I wonder what's the up charge on that one?  Or does it come with the deal?  You know, do they have to charge based on the ad because if you are renting out a 1994 Geo Prizm that doesn't have the same pull as say a 1994 Audi or even a 1994 Chevy - right?  Maybe they should have aimed higher.  Granted, maybe their girls aren't of the highest quality - they do say they are "fully refurbished" but even at fully refurbished a Geo Prizm isn't all that great - so lets be honest guys, you are getting what you pay for, and I wouldn't expect much.  As far as purring all night, it might be more of a purrr, putt putt, sputter sputter, purr, sputter, bitch, bitch.  You might be better off with your wife.  At least she just rolls over and goes to bed. 

"PROFESSIONAL" ACCOUNTANT

First off let me say that you had SUCH an opportunity and you blew it (maybe literally) with that picture dude...  You could have grabbed a much better clip art with the books and pencil much better "artfully" arranged to get your point across, if you catch my drift?  If not, maybe you really shouldn't be posting this... Bonus points for your emphasis on key words, ROCK, and MULTIPLE.  Especially key on your "Big Black" physique and likely attached equipment (just a guess).  Although, negative points for including a term that not even I have heard of - Sarbanes - Oxley provisions?  I'm a pretty bright woman, and if I have to google something to get it, you are barking up the wrong tree - lets be honest - the Craig's List clientele isn't the smartest.  Work on it. 

AMBULANCE CHASER/CUMDUMPSTER

Ok, dude/dudettes.  You have to decide.  You going to play it sneaky or are you going to go straight out - and stick with it.  Putting "CUMpensation" in the title, but also trying to make it a legal ad really isn't doing it.  Try again! 

REALLY SNEAKY COLLECTIBLE AD

This one is going to the extreme and obviously doesn't want to get caught!  And I really hope he/she knows what he/she is looking for.  I can only assume it's a man trying to find some woman.  But really, what is he looking for.  Geez, while this one is sneaking - it could get any response!  Anything.  Even some kid looking for this baseball.  Hell, wait is there even a Whitey Ford?  Maybe I should check that.  Phew, thanks Wiki, he does exist!  So Mr. Whitey Baseball - what do you really want.  You are a little too generic.  But good effort - I applaud, and I'm very interested in what you got as responses - men, women, small children, people actually looking for the ball to buy it, or people looking to do dirty things with the ball (there are strange people out there - you never know!)

BABY FETISH!

Ahh, LOVE these.  I've seen enough shows on this baby fetish that it cracks my shit up.  Men and women in big diapers drinking baby bottles - awesome.  Fetishes are strange but I find them fastening in a strange weird way and this one is so bizarre that I just can't get enough (yeah, never go there, but I like to know why people do! And of course make fun of them relentlessly behind their back or watch them make fools of them on tv).  So far, gotta say this is an excellent ad.  Straight to the point, but not too obvious.  Especially like the celebrity endorsement (even if it's probably false and highly slanderous - who cares - this is Craig's List and it's AWESOME!) 

TV for sale.

Save the best for last.  This shit is GOOD.  take an ordinary object, make it sexy.  Perfect.  Perfect use of descriptive for a television and making it dirty - just the way I like it.  A+ . 

How to get a girl drunk... easily and quickly - advice for men.

Again, fun title... and not my own words.  Let me tell you, I LOVE the internet!  It really cracks my shit up and I cannot get over what you can find out there.  There is a website out there called Datingish.com.  Apparently it's a site where you can post your own blog postings and mix it with many other peoples.  Well, this dude named Brooklynbro posted an article this week with the title, "5 Ways to Sneakily Get Your Girl Wasted"  Of course, people are up in arms about the post - freaked out that some guy actually posted just a directional guide.  Lets review. 

Tip #1: Don’t Let Her Eat 
Mr. Brooklynguy first points out that any girl that would go out with him (or a guy reading his post) is a jerk and any girl going out with him isn't too bright - this is an obvious disclaimer of sorts, and should be noted by even the most critical of critics.  I obviously picture one of the very put together and classy girls of the Jersey Shore going out with this guy.  He advises that you should tell your date that you'll have food for her at your place, put only give her some "Tostitos and a few scoops of hummus."  He points out that we all know that you should eat while drinking and any dumb ass girl should know that as well (reference my earlier comment about the Jersey shore bitches!)

Tip #2: Put Your Vodka in the Freezer

He says buy the cheap Vodka, you know the shit that comes in big ass plastic bottle and cheap (don't ask me how much is in the bottle or how much it costs - I've told you before I'm not really a big drinker and I don't buy that shit!)  Now. Mr. Brooklynguy suggests (as even I know - a mere drinking rookie) to put the vodka in the freezer because it goes down easier, but he gives the advice that the cheap shit that he buys for "company" goes down easier and quicker and you can make those stronger drinks that get her drunker faster - his idea of a gold star. 

Tip #3: Use Grapefruit Juice as a Mixer

This one was a new one for me.  But Mr. Brooklynguy tells me that there is a chemical in it that strongly  masks alcohol odors.  He tells us that's why a Greyhound (or a vodka and grapefruit juice) is an alocholic's drink of choice.  Which is a good think to know.  I will now know if I hear of someone ordering this drink I might do a little bit of running away and fast.  But as far as getting a woman drunk, hey go for it.  And maybe if someone wants to get drunk fast (that is a goal sometimes) grapefruit juice might work - again if you liked it.  It's not really my taste either - granted neither is alochol (god, I'm really boring, aren't I!)  But back to the men... it's good if she can't taste the booze, make it strong, and she'll be feeling loose in no time.  But, as any "good" man would know (and in good I mean a man working to get his woman drunk) - he can't get the girl sloppy drunk, but at a level just enough that she'll give it up, but won't be passed out - you can get jailed for that...

Tip #4: Ply Her with Bubbly

Ahh, Champagne and Prosecco (my weakness, I love me some bubbles!) Mr. Brooklynguy also loves him some bubbles.  He points out that these bubbles and the alochol go straight to the woman's head - which is a double bonus for him and the men he's "advising."  He also points out that there is a negative effect... she gets sleepy and tired fast... so you have to do your duty and act fast.  But he's half drunk too - so... it's not not going to be quality anyway.  But he's a man - lets me serious, he's not really worried about getting her off - he just wants to get his rocks off and that doesn't take that long!

Tip #5: Make Her do a Handstand
Well, a couple of months ago, Mr. Brooklynguy was playing Truth or Dare with some friends, including a particularly attractive young lady and she had been bragging about her amateur gymnastics career from her younger days... on her turn she took a dare, and was dared to do a handstand for 30 seconds.  Fast forward 30 seconds and she was highly intoxicated until 3:30 in the morning.... Not my story, and I have no real life experience to counter this story.  Although, I personally would advise against playing truth or dare in mixed company while drinking - especially with a man who would write such a list.... but I'm also no Jersey Shore type of bitch...

Date Night.... well, for for the "coupled" up.

It's Saturday night.  You know, the universal "date night" for all those people who have significant others, or those who are on their way to significant other-hood.  But for us singles (or at least for me), it's another night snuggling on the couch with the dogs (in fact I have a 100 lb mastiff's head on my lap right now snoring).  Pathetic you must be thinking.  Wait, you must be a mind reader!  You should apply to Cleo, I hear she's looking for another psychic for her Psychic for her friends network. 

Every other night of the week it's acceptable to be home alone, watching tv (even doing that damn homework or work that needs to be done), but on Saturday night there is that exception!  Every young (or even not so young) person is supposed to be out partying it up, right? 

All this makes Saturday night just a wee bit difficult for the single girl who doesn't really like to be a bar fly and be out trolling the bar crowd for men with her other single friends.  Especially when many of her other friends aren't so single anymore.  And as we get older and maybe just a little bit more mature, the thought of going out, getting drunk, and then coming home only to feel like crap loses it's appeal (or maybe that's just me.) 

Besides, who wants to go out on on a Saturday and see all those coupled up people looking all happy?  Doesn't it just make you all pissy?  But there is a positive side.  It's great for people watching and making up stories about their relationships.  You know that couple over there is on their first date - she can't stand him because he drives a "compensation car" and it's obvious that he must have a small penis. But I'm sure she'll blow him at the end of the night anyway because he took her out to an expensive dinner.  Oh wait - you don't make up stories like that?  Humm, wait - I don't either... that was just an idea ... or something.

And wait, you know on Sunday, the whole issue isn't even done!  I get up early on Sunday and go to the dog park with the puppies.  At the dog park there is a phenomena that I call the "freshly fucked".  These "freshly fucked" couples are those that obviously went out the night before and slept together and now are taking their fun walk with his/her puppy to the dog park.  Ahh, how sweet. 

So what's a girl to do?  Does it matter?  For me - I don't care!  I obviously don't care about any societal norms!  I'm here online bitching to you guys (I've been in a mood today!) All you can do is laugh about anything, well... and blog about it!

In case of Emergency, Please Remove Your Bra.

And before you applaud the title of this post and tell me what kind of amazing genius I am for thinking of such a witty title... I must tell you that not even I can make this shit up!  Apparently, Dr. Elena Bodnar developed a bra that can double as an emergency respirator - and not just one - a cup for you and a cup for your friend!   

Believe it or not, but Dr. Bodnar is not a fly by night scientists developing another silly "as seen on tv" device - this woman actually began her medical career studying the effects of the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear plant disaster and she found if people has cheap, readily available gas masks during the after effects of Chernobyl they may have avoided much of the radiation sickness. 

OK, but you are thinking, such a bra/emergency device must be expensive right?  Even an average Victoria's Secret bra these days is averaging $50!  But, believe it or not you can buy an Emergency Bra online for only $29.99.  Just go to http://ebbra.bigcartel.com/. 

But bad news.  For those small women (A cups and below) and big boobed women (D cups and bigger) - you are SOL.  The Emergency Bra only comes in sizes 32B, 34B, 36B, 38B, 40B, 42B, 34C, 36C, 38C, and 40C.  And even worse, it only comes in a vibrant red - no other colors.  So you better damn hope you are always hanging out with a friend in those sizes and she's outfitted with the Emergency bra!

New Facebook Fan Page!

Hey, as a push more towards an anonymous blog (I've mentioned this before - in fact it's one of my most read blogs!) - I've set up a facebook "fan" page for this blog.  For the next couple of postings I will link on both my facebook page (for those of you who know me) and also on my new "fan" page. 

But hey, feel free to become a fan or "like" the blog's facebook page if you want to get updates on facebook - it also linked to twitter if you want to get updates there.  You know how it is - we all want to be connected to every social media source we can!

Until next time!

The Boob Shelf.

I've mentioned it before (and big boobs....) I've got a bigger chest.  I've also mentioned it's positive and negatives.  But today I'm going to talk about a true negative about the big boobs. 

Girls with big boobs have to deal with a phenomena that we refer to as "the shelf."  Our boobs are so large that we cannot even see past the boobs to our feet below by looking straight now - so if our toe nail polish is looking bad - don't blame me - blame the boobs! 

But what's the absolute worst about this "boob shelf is that us girls with large boobs end up catching all kinds of things by this out growth of our body.  Now, if we are wearing a low cut shirt (and remember, "low cut" could just be a slight V-neck for every one else) our cleavage is like a funnel for all kinds of errant food, dirt and all kinds of other things.  At the end of the day when I change for bed and take off my bra it's always interesting.  I can find all kinds of things lodged down in my cleavage - small scraps of food, hair, dirt, even small children that have jumped in for playtime.  You'll never know what's down there.  One of of these days, I hope for a million dollars or at least a lottery ticket worth a couple of mil!  Now, If you I wear more of a higher cut shirt - say a turtleneck or a crew neck - there is a high likelihood of massive food spillage.  For instance, at this very minute I looked down and I have a lovely pink spot or three or five from some yummy watermelon I had for dinner (yes, this was the impetus for this blog posting).  I will also note, that I only had the watermelon.  Granted, I'm also a freaking klutz when it comes eating and such - but damn - this boob shelf catches everything!

So next time you see a girl with a little bit of a mess either around her boob area - just excuse it.  Feel bad for her.  It's not her fault... She has to live with that damn shelf.

Sexist things we Expect of Men that are unfair....

I like these silly articles I find online, and I found the motherload the other day.  And it's fun to share these with all of you and my fun little opinions on each of them.  So....

Apparently men aren't the great creatures we think they are!  Don't get me wrong, I love me some men (you should know that by now!)  But we hold these men up on this pedestal, and maybe thats a little unfair.  According to the article on Alternet.com (yeah, I'd never heard of it either - but I'd never hear of 90% of the websites out there) - 5 Stupid, Unfair and Sexist Things Expected of Men it's not just men that are hurt by the sexism stereotypes out there!  So here, we go!

1. Fight, fight, fight!  We expect men to fight.  You know with fists and shit.  We want them to defend their and OUR honor.  Apparently one guy in the scientific study named Adam says, "You would rather get a concussion than be called less than a man." So is this fair for us to expect the man to fight?  to defend our honor?  According to me... yes.  I don't want to fight.  I don't want to fight to defend myself.  Granted, I'm not gonna win in any fight - unless it's with an overweight midget - then I might win.  Overall, I'm going to want a man to fight for me and about me.  But I'm going to be totally pissed about it - because fighting is foolish.  I probably will be pissed about it and walk away from it, but be mad he fought.  Hey, I didn't say I was fair, just that I was going to state my opinion!

2. Be a good husband/partner/lover -- but don't care too much what women think.  The article says this one falls into the category of "not just insanely rigid but logically contradictory" -- a damned if you do, damned if you don't.  (I can't make this shit up!).  Apparently the man is supposed to (all at once) be able to take care of the children (all 8 of them if you are Jon Gosslin - he did a great job with that one), partner (super supportive of all your femine endeavors), and lover (you know bring you to multiple orgasms every time without fail).  But at the same time, he cannot care about how much women think.  I.e. he should know exactly what you want at all times of every day.  Umm, really?  We can expect that?  Damn...  I wish I knew that before!  I apparently have been expecting too little from my men!  If I can expect that, than I'm obviously aiming WAY too low for a man.

3. Be hot to trot. Always. With anybody.  Guys are supposed to want sex and be ready for it all the time (they aren't?)  We expect any man worth his penis to have sexual desire off the charts.  I'm thinking, you know they'll take any ready and willing girl (I think of the term - Yes, I'll "bag" her).  Did you know that all men don't feel this way (yeah, I was shocked too!)  Men actually have preferences!  They aren't always turned on (no shit!) and they don't want to have sex with everything that moves.  (humm, maybe I do have unfair expectations of these poor men)

4. Stiff upper lip.  You know, men have no emotion - right?  All they can feel is sexual desire for all women, and the desire to fight - right?  (that's all we've learned so far!)  But other than that - men are stone.  No emotions, right.  We all know that.  But is that fair?  Humm.  I would say .... maybe!  I like my man to be stoic - right?  But he's gotta have to have some feeling - like in his big toe or something.  He better cry at the wedding (if I can get him that far), and at the birth of a child.  But if he cries at Hallmark commericals I might have to kick him out on his ass.  (I'll give him an exception if he cries at those ASPCA commercials - those are sad, and I have a soft spot for animals).

5. Fear of being perceived as gay.  For straight men, being perceived as gay is a big blow to their masculinity.   Men worry about every god damn aspect of the gay culture and everything about being gay and being associated with all of that.  Hey dude(s) get over it.  Gay men have a whole lot of shit going for them.  Most of them have some awesome fashion sense (if they don't go overboard!), many don't worry too much these stupid masculine stereotypes.  So dudes, don't worry about it.  If you are comfortable with yourself, don't worry about being perceived as gay - give it up, just don't GIVE it up to a man.

A Sugar Daddy is sounding awfully good.

So... I live in the land of high cost of living.  Everything here costs a ton of money.  Nothing is cheap, even the beggers ask for dollar bills instead of change (when did that shit happen!) Just living around here costs more money than you'd expect.  Yeah, we make more than the average American - but our bills are probably twice or three times as much.  Even going to the grocery store costs a ton more.  I'm surprised they don't charge us a "breathing tax."  Shit, I can't believe I just put that in print, someone in Congress is going to put that into law next election cycle!

Anyway, I've been thinking...   maybe I should do with all those ideals and dreams I've been holding so dear all along.  You know what I mean - actually looking for a man to fulfill the American dream - the white picket fence (I already have mine - granted it's a 3 foot wire mesh, but it counts in my head), the 2.5 kids (do the dogs count?) and the husband (ahh, the missing piece!) to round it all out.  Maybe I should trade in that idea (especially since I have almost all of it already covered) for the new fangled idea of a sugar daddy.  You know the thing - a man, usually a little bit older (there are a lot of guys out there, I could find someone under 10 years older than me - in the 30-40 age range), who has a lot of money, not a whole lot of time, and is looking to shower a woman with gifts in exchange for physical intimacy.  I would have to say most of the time the guy is married (or otherwise engaged with another woman), but I don't believe this is the case always out in DC - some guys are just too damn busy to have a "full time" woman in their life.  I'll aim for this type. 

"My" sugar daddy would want nothing from me - except the occasional romp in the hay.  In return he'd provide for me the stuff I'd love to be able to afford, but just cannot justify.  You know the stuff - shoes (but the really nice ones I could never justify buying - like Jimmy Choo's or Manolo's - shoes that I would like to put up on a shelf and stare at).  He wouldn't be pushy and wouldn't ask too much of me (this is my fantasy ok!) 

Now, believe it or not... it's pretty easy to find such a man in the DC area.  If I so chose to take on such a man (because obviously - it would be MY choice)... Not his, since he's the one investing so much money in the situation!  One could always troll the upper class bars, dressing in my high class TJ Maxx dresses (humm, that might not work).  How about just asking around?  Oh wait, Craig's List!  I have 7 choices from just the last 5 days of guys advertising to take on a girl for such an "arrangement"  I could also make an ad asking for such an arrangement.  I would be scared to even put up a fake one!

The Oh Shit Moment... The reason we don't put information online

So a couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog questioning how much you information you should include in your online profile...  Well, today I see this article on the yahoo front page about a girl who posted a birthday invite, but failed to adjust her privacy settings. 

Poor, English girl Ms. Rebecca Javeleau was turning 15 and put her birthday invite on facebook, but made the invite viewable to anyone.  Apparently, 21,000 people RSVP'ed yes to attending her party - including some "fake" celebrities - including Justin Bieber (apparently she was upset, even if the Bieb was attending!).  While facebook took down the event page for her party, fan pages were even put up - including one titled, "HER PARTY WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY" which already had 1,200 likes.  (Don't tell me she isn't the least bit excited about that).  But apparently her Mom is now extremely pissed off, and has cut off her computer privileges, the party will not take place, and the police have been called in case there are party crashers.     

OK, first off.  Don't tell me that young Ms. Rebecca didn't know what she was doing.  Any 14 year old knows more about facebook than the average american knows about computers in general.  I'm sure she specifically made that birthday invite public because she wanted to have more people come - she's a young girl - she wanted to have a par-tay!  Now, for 21,000 people to come, that just went a bit way way too excessive.  She was thinking that if she made the invite public those hotties in the next town over might come, or that older guy might show up with beer.  WOW.  God, we are stupid. 

So what's the moral of the story.  Better safe than sorry.  Any shit that you put on online can get spread in a heartbeat.  You put some kind of private information up there and all of a sudden, there is a facebook fan page for it.  Lets see, lets take Mona (fake name), and she lives in Anywhereville - she likes to party, especially at the 4 Courts Irish Bar.  Hey Mona, guess what... anyone can start stalking you.  And there are people out there that can and will.  People are crazy out there.  Be careful. 




 

People Suck.

I used to love the bumper sticker that said, "Mean People Suck."  You know the one - it was awesome - I would have to say it was an 80's/90's thing.  I also have to admit "back then" I was a little bit more naive.  I thought those "mean people" were a small minority.  You know - just the assholes that really did suck.  And maybe the world was a bit nicer place and I did live in a land (the midwest) where it was a little bit nicer.  But damn.  It's not so much now that mean people suck - just that all people suck. 

Usually I reserve this blog for fun dating stories.  But really, who wants to date a bunch of sucky assholes?  I gotta tell you that overall, people suck.  That's men, women, and children.  And I'm not just saying that because I like to watch crime tv (you know the shows - all 20 of the Law & Orders and all their spin offs).  Hell, I think the news is worse than the crime shows these days. 

People ask me why I don't really follow the news all that closely any more?  Do you really need to ask?  Because I'd rather stay in my nice little hole and stay only mildly depressed about my future.  I know enough to do my job and live my life - I don't want to know all about all the additional bs.  Just last week, some asshole SHOT a dog after it got into a fight with another dog - didn't shoot both dogs, just the one with a bad reputation based on it's breed (you guessed it a pitbull).  Not only that, the same weekend, a couple of kids were shot in the same general area.  And that's just the stuff I happen to hear. 

As far as dating, you got the guys that cheat, the guys that steal, how about the dudes that just are assholes.  And that's just the men.  Oh, women are NO picnic either - I have many friends that tell me stories about the women in their lives.  These bitches, take their money, don't do shit, and then are cheating on the side as well. 

It doesn't make dating easy.  How are you supposed to navigate this minefield?  Is it all about just testing the waters and hoping for the best?  Or do we just hide out in the house and become the crazy dog lady (yikes, when does that cross over point happen - someone BETTER tell me because I'm coming crazily close!)

Ways to Enhance your Fertility - does it work in reverse?

So today I came across a nice (maybe a little bit hippy) article on yahoo titled, 8 Natural Ways to Enhance Your Fertility.  Yeah, these ideas are great for someone who is married and wants to have a baby right away.  But how about the rest of us, who aren't really ready to have a baby right now and are more into preventing pregnancy - does it work in reverse (and before all you people out here go thinking I'm a baby hater - stop - I want babies, but I don't want babies right now.  The last thing I want is to be a single mother by choice - that's just silly and very ill advised).

So... I wonder... do these "natural" ways of enhancing my fertility work in reverse?  If I follow these rules in reverse will I stay unpregnant - lets explore....

1. Practice, Practice, Practice.  Apparently according to the article "weekly" sexual intimacy (their language, not mine - I'd be much more descriptive, regulates the woman's cycle and delays the decline of estrogen, enhancing fertility and also helps increased bone density, healthier cardiovascular system, lower "bad" cholesterol, higher "good" cholesterol and a milder menopause (if you are worried about that at this time) - they have studies and experts that will all verify these facts, and if you are at all interested in that - knock your self out at looking at the article. 
BUT, listen... bad news for us who want to prevent pregnancy.  More sex = higher risk of pregnancy.  But if you didn't know that already, then you are a freaking dumbass.  As far as the other "benefits" those aren't bad benefits for the woman's body - not just for baby making and rearing, but for just woman's health - so by all means - sex it up. 

2. Weigh In.  Again the article says being "fatter" than having a body-mass-index (BMI) greater than 25 greatly decreases your changes of getting pregnant.  So, hey... aim for getting fat :)  Or fatter.  Chubby chic works great - curvy is awesome.  So, hey girl... if you don't want to get pregnant... aim for that BMI greater than 25 - screw being healthy - prevent that pregnancy by being pleasantly plump!

3. Butt out.  If you want to get pregnant - don't smoke.  Apparently it can trigger early menopause and disrupt ovulation.  Hey, sounds great if you don't want to get pregnant!  So light up!  Keep smoking - stay without child.  Works for me (maybe I should take up smoking!)

4.  Hit the hay (and sadly we aren't talking about having crazy sex with some Midwestern cowboy in the barn in the hay!!).  Apparently the best way to get pregnant is to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep every night in order to maintain a "normal" level of leptin a hormone which affects both hunger and weight regulation.  Otherwise, stay up late - have your run in the hay with that cowboy, go to bed late and wake up early for those early morning (boring meetings), and stay awake in the afternoon with those caffeine shots!

5.  Clean house  Did you know about Polybrominated diphenyl ethers (PBDEs) - they are flame retardants in some tech toys, plastics and fabrics, and women with high levels of PBDE in their blood took twice as long to conceive.  So clean house to keep these at bay.  Easy solution to stay "unpregnant."  Keep a dirty house!


6. Ace your exams  Yeah, don't get STD's and practice safe sex to in order to make pregnancy easier to achieve later on.  Humm, that one is easy.  Free sex and love.  Don't worry about that condom - but use that birth control.  You should be golden!

7. Don’t rule out ice cream:  Apparently some fancy study from some fancy school says that full-fat dairy foods like cheese, ice cream and whole milk will help you get pregnant.  Humm.  So when you are bulking up to avoid pregnancy - avoid the milk products.  Bitchass, some of these are my favorites.  Just make sure to smoke while you are eating them, maybe that will counteract the effects.  Or drink wine with your cheese, i know alochol is bad for baby rearing - that probably will work!

8. B smart: Take your vitamins if you want to be with child, duh.  We all knew that.  The B-vitamins are supposedly especially good.   If you don't want that pregnancy weight and little babies kicking around in your tummy... don't take them.  Go for vitamin deficiency. 

Most of this list just seems to be general health type of things, and of course you can't neglect your general health just to not get pregnant.  Of course - with this list I wonder how the hell there is so much teen pregnancy!!!  Damn, it's like a list of what teens are!

The Best Friend: Girls who play the role.

When you aren't the prettiest, the thinnest or the overall most attractive you are often what they call the "friend."  You know the type.  The girl that all the guys go to for advice and talk to, but rarely has the actual boyfriend.  She's the girl who may be on the chubby side, but has a quick wit and knows how to crack a joke.  Hell there was a whole show written around it this summer season (which I'm sure most of you missed!) called Plain Jane on the CW.  It came on after reruns of America's Next Top Model (I know, I have all of you on the EDGE of your seats...) but it's all about the girl next door, who is a little (or a lot) homely who has a crush on the unattainable guy- poof, they make her over and she's beautiful and she's tries for the man of her dreams.  I was actually surprised, they didn't always chose the girls who were actually gorgeous under drab clothes and bad hair, there were some girls that under a little polish were only a solid 6/7 - but hey the guys they were going after were any prizes either. 

So often us "average" girls get caught in this "Friend Zone" with guys.  Not that I have anything wrong with friends - are you kidding?  I would much rather have friends that are guys.  Girls are just bitches and as friends they can just be even more bitchy.  I cannot even tell you the issues I've had with "girl" friends (FYI, I hate that term, always makes me think of the gay connotation)... And let me tell you, if I had the choice, I'd chose all my friends to be men, granted, I do have an issue with keeping my hands off men sometimes (but only when both of us are single!) so that could get ugly. 

OK, what exactly was I talking about here.  I'm apparently all over the place today, and for that I apologize.  I should think these blogs through and actually have some kind of writing process - but it's so much better for you to get a stream of consciousness and actually get my thought process - that way you get my strange aside thoughts and not the "proper" grammar speak that would happen if I actually wrote correctly and then proofread.  The only thing I do for you is run a spell check so you all will understand me!  And trust me, you would not be able to read if I didn't.

Anyway, not all of the man-friends (as we shall refer to them for the remainder of this) are those that the girl in question lusts after.  In fact, I would say most often man-friends are just that - FRIENDS.  Just like any other friend, a man-friend is just another person in the social circle, a person to have fun with, to talk to.  But you know what gets damn frustrating is when we hear about the bitchy ass women who treat you like shit.  And there are a lot of women out there that do.  Women overall are bad creatures.  Often women just hate other woman just because they are one of our own.  Now imagine what it's time when one of these evil creatures hurts our own family (friend) member.  Yeah, it's not good.  Now, imagine if that friend is someone we "lust after"  we are liable to go all exorcist.  Now that shit is crazy. 

But you know who would make the best girlfriend around?  The one who knows you best - that friend who is always there for you.,...

Wow. Just wow.

Someone searched this: 

i want 2 have sex but me pennis is not going straight in d vigina cos its tight

and somehow ended up at my blog.  That's it, I have nothing else to say. 

Sex Dreams.

We've all had them.  Those dreams (and I'm not talking about daydreams where we can control the action) but dreams at night where those fantasies play out in our head.  You know those dreams, those sex dreams where suddenly you are playing out some sexual fantasy in your head.  As great as these dreams are, I really hate them!

My dreams are extremely vivid.  The kind where I wake up and can't distinguish dreamworld from reality.  I've even been known to have to call people and double check to see if my dream was real - yeah, I'm a little screwed up (but we already knew that).  So, you'd think - those sex dreams must be like my own personal porn right? and be awesome, right?  Nope.

These dreams always involve someone in my real life, oh no - not some celebrity I'd love to fuck - but someone in my real life.  Usually, thank god, it's been someone I have been attracted to and been daydreaming about.  But sometimes it's not (that's a bit awkward).  So, I wake up from this very vivid dream, of someone in my real life, and now I feel like we've had some very intimate moment (sometimes really dirty - my mind isn't all candles, fireplaces, and bubble baths you know!) and suddenly I'm embarrassed like I've mind raped them!  Now I have to face them nice time I see them thinking that I did really mind rape them.  Oops.

Lastly, and the single most frustrating thing of all about these dreams.  And probably the one reason that I hate them the most is that I never get off in these dreams.  No, I never orgasm.  NEVER.  Never, ever.  I have to tell you, the man always does (apparently I roll that way in my dreams too - I'm a giver!) but I always wake up before I'm done.  So I wake up feeling sexually frustrated and horny as all get out.  Yes, that pisses me off more than anything.  Especially right now when I'm in a phase of "being good"  (Please reference my post about Mr. Right Now)  I know a lot of girls that have had the big O in their sleep during these dreams - oh no not me.  My controlling mind won't let me.  Yeah, no fun.... 

So, enjoy your sex dreams everyone.  I will enjoy mine, until they end - then I will lay there frustrated.  Yeah, and feel like I just mind raped some dude I like.  Oops.

The worst personals ad picture.

I have one bit of advice for all of you boys and girls out there putting up a personals ad.  Please, get out a pencil and a piece of paper, take notes... Ready?

Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT post a picture of you and person of the opposite sex

I don't care who that person is - it can be your sister, your best friend, your long lost brother second cousin brother's friend.  If you are looking to try and meet someone - having a picture with a person of the opposite sex is just a bad idea. 

And hey you people with that picture - don't get offended when people don't respond to your emails, IM's etc. Or question you about your "girlfriend" or "boyfriend"  That picture just screams that you are attached, or were attached and that you can't get over him or her. 

Get a new picture, have someone take a new one.  Please don't cut him or her out of an old picture - that's just as obvious.  If you are ready to move on, you can take the time to take a new picture.  Thank you.

Online Personals Snap Judgements

The world of internet/online dating is just a series of snap judgements followed by first impressions.  I have to tell you, I'm a bitch in the world of snap judgement making and I let no one get away.  While, I might not be any prize someones and I probably wouldn't pass my OWN snap judgement test, I'm still damn hard on others when I first judge their profile.  Some of these categories I provide snap judgements are as follows:

Height:  I'm short, we'll just say much shorter than the average woman, but not yet qualified to be a "little person!" But you know, I damn well judge men on their height, he better be taller than me in my tallest heels (and then a little bit) and that's not asking too much.  And I like wearing tall heals.  If he's not that's 1 strike offense.. 

Body Type: Ohh, here is one that I shouldn't do, but I'm a bitch so I do anyway.  I'm not a skinny girl.  I'm not huge either.  But you know I damn well judge a man based on what he writes in body type.  Especially because you know we all lie a little bit in this type of category, and if he writes anything that anyway indicates that he's a lazy, fat son of a bitch that's a 2-3 strike offense.

Smokes: Yup, I draw the line at smoking.  I hate it.  I just hate it.  Smoking is a 3 strike offense.  Smoking while drinking, 1-2 strike depending on severity. and "trying to quit" still 3 strikes!

Drinking: Believe it or not, I'm not a big drinker.  The last time I drank was over 2 months ago, and I'm still living to regret that night - oops!  Now, I will judge you based on your drinking habits.  Social drinker - good for you.  Binge drinker, bad for you.  Drinker all the time, even worse for you.  Binge or Frequent drinker - that's a 2 strike offense we are just not gonna work and I'm just gonna ignore you. 

Job; I think I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, (Yes, me!) but I've become a fucking elitist.  Yes, I judge you by your job.  Blue coller, yeah, I'll judge you.  I'm not saying it's just - I'm just saying I do.  Which is pretty bitchy since I'm the first white collar person in my family.  That's not saying I'm against the working men and women in the world... wait, I probably am.  God, I am a bitch.  But I do judge based on that so based on your job - 1 strike.

Income: Again, I'm a bitch, but hey.  This is my partner I'm looking for right?  At least I'm willing to admit that I make these snap judgements - I don't see you writing it down, do I?  Income significantly more than me, I jump for joy.  Income about the same that's ok. Income lower - one strike, Income a lot lower two strikes, no income, three strikes - I ain't your suga mama!

Kids: I want kids, I don't want them right now.  So.  if the man wants kids that's awesome.  But if the man already has kids, two strikes, I don't really want a ready made family (although as I get older, I'm probably going to have to revise this policy - damn it for getting older and the available man pool shrinking!!!)

Pets: We all know my obsession with dogs (it might be classified as unhealthy in some countries.  But if a man doesn't like dogs at all - it's an automatic three strikes - yeah, not gonna work

Sexting Acronyms....

Well, just so we are all up to date.  Because as you know, we all aren't "kids" anymore!  And if you just happen to date a much younger man or woman and they do sext you - you will need to know the up to date sexting acronyms!  Granted, while you don't have to be obsessive about the sexting - you obviously will have to partake in some of it!!!  Some of these I had NO idea even existed.


- 8 =Oral sex

- 1337 =Elite
- 143 =I love you
- 182 =I hate you
- 459 =I love you
- 1174 =Nude club
- 420 =Marijuana
- ADR =Address
- ASL =Age/Sex/Location
- Banana =Penis
- CD9 or Code 9 =Parents are around
- DUM =Do You Masturbate?
- DUSL =Do You Scream Loud?
- FB =F*** Buddy
- FMLTWIA =F*** Me Like The Whore I Am (wow, this one is a doosey!)
- FOL =Fond of Leather
- GNOC =Get Naked On Cam
- GYPO =Get Your Pants Off
- IAYM =I Am Your Master
- IF/IB =In the Front or In the Back
- IIT =Is It Tight?
- ILF/MD =I Love Female/Male Dominance
- IMEZRU =I Am Easy, Are You?
- IWSN =I Want Sex Now
- J/O =Jerking Off
- KFY or K4Y =Kiss For You
- Kitty =Vagina
- KPC =Keeping Parents Clueless
- MorF =Male or Female
- LMIRL =Let's Meet In Real Life
- MOOS =Member Of The Opposite Sex
- WYCM =Will You Call Me?
- MOS =Mom Over Shoulder
- MPFB =My Personal F*** Buddy
- NALOPKT =Not A Lot Of People Know That
- NIFOC =Nude In Front Of The Computer
- NMU =Not Much, You?
- P911 =Parent Alert
- PAL =Parents Are Listening
- PAW =Parents Are Watching
- PIR =Parent In Room
- POS =Parent Over Shoulder or Piece Of Sh**
- PRON =Porn
- Q2C =Quick To Cum
- RU/18 =Are You Over 18?
- RUH =Are You Horny?
- S2R =Send To Receive
- SorG =Straight or Gay
- TDTM =Talk Dirty To Me

And as an addendum... escarcasm.com came out with their own list, and I like these better ;)

1. MPICIMFP - my penis is caught in my flip phone


2. 397# - I weigh 397 pounds

3. CMPNSOR - check out my profile on the National Sex Offenders Registry

4. 3N - I have a third nipple

5. Tubesteak-  tubesteak

6. IICDTINLH - if I could do that I’d never leave the house

7. EP18M - eligible for parole in 18 months

8. AFHT - awaiting final hormone treatments

9. PD/G/TC - parents drugged/gagged/tied up in closet

10. 666 - I am satan’s spawn

11. NTAW/M - I’ve never touched a woman/man

12. TCP3 - I’ve been on To Catch a Predator three times

13. HSGC - high school guidance counselor

14. AMAMCF - ask me about my cheese fetish

15. SC - still chafing

16. GERE - I have a thing for gerbils

17. NEED8 - If it’s not at least 8″, don’t bother texting me back

18. EAT-U -- I am a cannibal

19. PIB-STV - phone in butt – set to vibrate

20. HPIMPNSIM - I have a popsicle in my pants. No, seriously — it’s melting

21. HWHGFSL - Hit wrong hole; girlfriend still limping

22. BALL911 - Call 911, sliced balls badly while shaving

23. DANZA - I just had sex with Tony Danza

24. BJ2NITE - I find the study of early American history utterly fascinating, don’t you?

25. HWH? - Herpes? What herpes?

Use which ever list you prefer!